Enjoy the Silence
by Antonia-x
Summary: AU; post S26E16. Sam/Dylan/Zoe - with others. Multiple chapter.
1. Chapter 1

****They had a marriage that could've lasted - however it never, but over a year from when they could've last called themselves a couple can an unplanned pregnancy help them pull their marriage back on track.****

**Okay, giving it a shot, purely because I feel Dylan would be hilarious with a child - yet at the same time be totally great.**

**Thanks to Megan who actually sat and listened to my rambles about where this was going.**

**AU; set anytime post Next of Kin part 2 S26E16**

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><p>All I ever wanted, All I ever needed<p>

Is here in my arms

Words are very unnecessary

They can only do harm

- **Depeche Mode**

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><p>Waking up in her estranged husband's bed was not part of the plan when she agreed to a drink the night before; she was more than certain that there were more than just Dylan with her in the pub. Which begged the question: precisely how did she end up going home with him? <p>

She shuffled further from Dylan's side, as she stretched and made to untangle herself from the sheets and get out of bed, and head for the shower that she had not used in quite sometime but still found her feet to unconsciously carry her there. It was under the warmth of the spraying water that her thoughts drifted to the situation that she was currently in; that being how she came to be standing under her estranged husband's shower, hearing the dog bark which would soon wake Dylan. She hoped because she wasn't entirely certain if Dervla liked her or not, and she wasn't in the right state of mind to test that particular theory. 

She vaguely heard the radio click on and begin to play as she stepped out the shower, wrapping a towel around herself, as she padded back down the hallway towards the bedroom she had left twenty or so minutes earlier. 

"Morning." She was frozen at the door of the bedroom, her wet hair freezing her back, as she looked into the unreadable face of her husband. She grabbed her own nightgown from the chair it had always been left on, for as long as she could remember, but chose not to think about why it was still there.

"Oh." Somehow she managed to open her month and form a word. A word that was simply repeated back to her, with a slight question about it. God, she really hated alcohol, really she did. She was not entirely sure why she was so stunned that he was there, after all it was in fact where he lived.

Their marriage never truly ended; it sort of evaporated, as she flew out of the country and into Afghanistan. That was roughly about a year ago, and as she sat on the edge of the bed they once shared looking at her husband, she realised that in this moment it was as if it had never even happened. When she left she felt they had to get away from each other, take a break, give each other some space and try to save their marriage.

"Are we going to talk about this?" She pulled at a thread on the quilt absentmindedly as she spoke, before indicating both Dylan and herself.

He shifted closer her and dropped the volume of his voice. "Are we? Do we really have to?"

"I'd rather not actually." Keeping her eyes focused on the quilt and not her husband she mustered up a response.

He moved and spoke without turning as he reached the doorway: "Okay, great, breakfast?"

"Um, yeah, okay." Pausing slightly as if to process what he was asking her before she spoke, she tried to put the domesticity of the situation to the back of her mind before she allowed herself to read too much into. Far too much; much more than he would have ever intended. 

Slightly stunned, she got up and followed him through to the kitchen, watching from the door way as he let Dervla outside, before turning round to face her as if questioning whether or not she was going to step in further into the kitchen.

"Why did you pick Holby?" His question was so out of the blue it shocked her; in fact it shouldn't have because she'd been expecting it weeks ago.

"I didn't pick Holby." It was abrupt, that she knew but she was finding it difficult to be anything else, at this particular moment; besides it was true.

"Please don't tell me you're going to start all this fate stuff." He turned his back to her and flicked the switch on the kettle, sighing as he did so, waiting on her response.

"No, I'm going to start all this coincidence stuff. I was told where to go, Dylan."

"Oh." He spoke softly, so softly that she couldn't help but feel he had rather wanted her to say that she had followed him, but then he continued speaking with an air of such nonchalance despite saying a singular word: "Right." One word which made her feel that she would live to regret the previous night. 

"What's on your mind?" She blinked furiously, trying to establish when he had gained the ability to read her so well that he could tell when something was on her mind - that, however, was a feat of Holmesian Deduction. Initially struggling to form words she soon found the moment she opened her mouth to speak, what was on her mind formed itself into fluent, coherent sentences. 

"Do you know how much it hurt me when you dismissed me as a technicality? As if you could just sign me out of your life without a second thought - which you could actually - but it didn't make it hurt any less." She felt tears and a lumping forming in her throat and had to look away from him, leaving him standing staring at her in a dumbfounded sort of way; looking unsure about whether or not it was in fact safe to speak. But she continued before he could get any words out: "You know, I get things addressed to 'Mrs Keogh' and they make me want to cry and throw things just as much as they make me feel happiness that I've not felt since packed your stuff and left, or I left, or something." 

Truth be told, she had absolutely no idea who left who, she announced she was going to Afghanistan in a weeks time and two days later, his stuff was gone and so was he. She tried to think nothing of it, at first, but then all Afghanistan gave her was constant time to realise she just wanted to know where he had gone. 

"Maybe it was because an Army medic was never going to make the perfect GP's wife, but, my dear husband did you honestly think that you were going to make the perfect GP. It was never exciting enough for you; you like the mystery and the moment you got something even slightly more than a flu you had to refer it on, and do you know frankly Dylan, I am surprised you lasted so long!" Any desire to cry at how hurt she felt subsided as the anger of the situation overtook her and she began to reveal how she felt. He had sat down across from her, pushing coffee across the table to her, waiting on her trying to explain what was going through her head. 

"I'm not actually sure what you treat as the mistake, Dylan, me or getting married at all. Neither was a mistake to me. Just so you know. I mean I don't even regret it and logically I should - but I don't. I just wanted a normal life, with a loving husband, a couple of children, happiness, you know? But you were the man that I fell in love with. I should've known it wouldn't last because really I was never a traditional kind of girl…" She broke of suddenly when he moved around the table, closer to her, taking her wrist and not actually acknowledging he was doing anything different thus allowing her continuing speaking. 

They'd never done this before, despite the marriage, just be so abundantly honest with one another - well she'd never been so honest with him; he probably never would be so honest with her, but she wasn't even sure that she minded. 

Closing her eyes briefly before continuing: "But I never dreamt that my marriage would be over before I was even twenty seven, and I thought I'd have a child and or at the very least the belief that I'd still be able to. Everything about this situation just makes me feel like I've failed in everything." He cut her off then, which she was grateful for because she wasn't entirely sure what she'd even think up to say next. 

"It was always about the children wasn't it?" He asked despite knowing the answer, he knew much she craved her own child. In a way he had been looking forward to that joy as well; he'd just never been so vocal about it, he'd agreed none the less.

"It was always about the lack of children, the hopeful three minutes every few months just to get another negative result, feeling so awful about myself because I was failing you; I couldn't even give you a child. I didn't want to look at you for days let alone speak to you, because it must've been me, because you're perfect - at least to me." 

When sobs punctured her final four words, he swept her into his arms wrapping them protectively around her as she cried into his shoulder, it wasn't a position which was uncommon to them, he'd held her after the result of every negative pregnancy test in much the same way.

It was in moments like these he recalled her as the girl from the broken home, who desperately just want to make her own secure and watch it thrive. She was an intelligent woman, nobody could fault that, but even her intelligence couldn't tell her that her complete desire for a family would be her downfall; it would be the lack of that which would finally break her.

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><p><strong>an;**

**well, we'll see where it goes.. **

**until next time, Anny. X.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ah, Cbear it's a pleasure to finally be able to thank you for your reviews, so I thank you, glad you enjoy!**

**Also thank you to Meggi, Megan, Anxious Owl, Callie, MissGracieKathy, & Gemma. **

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><p>"We could be a separated couple, who are friends?" He spoke as he pulled into the hospital car park, Sam in the passenger seat, he didn't once turn to face her - though from the corner of his eye, he seen her pale complexion, the look of complete devastation in her eyes - a look that remained for days each time a test come back negative.<p>

"We are friends, well as much as anyone is your friend." She mumbled the words; trying to prevent her lip quivering, sighing deeply as she rubbed her hand over her face.

"I meant about why we're together, this morning, before work." He spoke meaningfully, authoritively without taking his eyes from the road;

"I know." She brushed at a stray tear as she thought back to earlier that morning, to last night. She was certain he had seen, but chose to say nothing.

As he parked the car and unbuckled his seat belt; she sat next to him, eyes closed, head tilted upwards breathing heavily as she fought against another round of tears which were threatening to overcome her. She felt him reach across the handbrake to take her hand and squeeze it comfortingly, before he got out the car. He was opening the passengers side door before she even opened her eyes. Unclipping her seatbelt she got out the car, closing the door and being pulled into Dylan's arms for the second time that morning.

As she stood in the hospital car park, wondering what on earth was allowing Dylan to show this much affection, she felt fresh tears run down her cheeks and opted to push herself away from his embrace and made some attempt at regaining composure.

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><p>Dylan walked a lot faster than her, especially in the morning, so it wasn't surprising that Dylan reached the hospital and consequently the staff room much quicker than he did. So if she trailed behind him just a little more then no one would even think that they had arrived together. So as she walked through the doors of the ED, her glance into the staffroom showed that Dylan was preparing to leave again. Pushing her hands into the pockets of her coat, she walked towards the door, passing him in the door way - holding back tears as he walked by her without any indication that she was even standing there. It wasn't unusual but it was just too much, especially today.<p>

"Feeling okay Sam?" She blinked when she realised Tess was standing right in front of her, before nodding her head slowly.

"Yeah, yeah, why?" Her voice was whispered, hoarse as she tried to prove she was alright to Tess, who seemed less than convinced.

"You're just looking a bit pale." She touched her arms lightly when she spoke, smiling softly, caringly.

"Oh." she wasn't sure if Tess even heard because she still stood watching her as if she might just drop down at any moment, which granted she felt she maybe could, plastering a small smile on her face she continued: "No, I'm fine." With that Tess was gone, leaving her standing alone on the verge of completely breaking down.

Finally alone she made her way across the room, stopping at the sink, letting silent tears slip down her cheeks - knowing now was better than waiting on the first thing to even slightly wrong and breaking down later. She jumped as the door opened, and wiped roughly at her eyes, trying to remove any damage the tears may have done.

"Hey, didn't mean to startle you." It was Zoe who spoke before she turned round to see who had entered the room. She let herself lean against the worktop, as Zoe stepped closer to her. "Are you okay?" She stepped to her side as she made to get into her locker, concern written all over her face.

Looking away, rubbing at her eyes before looking back and replying: "Why do people keep asking me that?"

"Have you been crying?" The question was direct, but then again, so was Zoe. Flustered she rubbed her cheeks trying, once again, to remove the traces of her tears.

Speaking, her voice weak, she did the only thing she felt she could - lie: "No."

"Right…" It was possible that Zoe looked even less convinced than Tess, but at least she continued speaking: "Do you want to talk about it?"

She actually laughed when she asked that and inwardly she felt that maybe it was to stop herself from breaking down and telling Zoe everything. "I really don't, no." She responded with a shake of her head.

"Will you be alright?" The older medic was standing up and preparing to leave the room, when she asked, and all she had the energy to do was nod.

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><p>"Morning." Dylan looked up glancing at Zoe, normally she was much cheerier than this. She must want something. Dropping her voice further before she spoke again: "Sam's been crying…" She trailed off looking at him expectantly, and he wasn't entirely sure what exactly she wanted him to do about it.<p>

Then he made his first mistake: "I know." She blinked at him a few times, and then he covered his eyes with his hand realising his mistake; because he shouldn't have known that, they had even seen each other that morning.

He couldn't work out what Zoe was thinking, as he watched her choose her next question very carefully: "Have you had some sort of argument?"

"No." Because they hadn't. It wasn't a lie, and she never even replied just walked away, retreating back to the staffroom to a blonde figure he recognised as Sam.

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><p>Zoe slipped quietly back into the staffroom, after passing a concerned Tess who had been watching Sam from the window. The blonde doctor had pulled her knees up to her chest, resting her head on them, as a round of fresh tears made their way down her face, leaving a faint grey line as she washed more of her make up off of her face. Slowly, she sat down next to her and put a hand on her shoulder.<p>

"Listen are you going to be okay today? I know he can be blunt, but…" She started sympathetically but was quickly cut off, as Sam finally removed her head from her knees to look at her.

"I'm aware. I'll be fine." Her voice was harsh, not that she meant it to be it was just these people had no idea abut her life, her marriage and they were suddenly here wanting to consol her.

"Of course you are." Zoe spoke as if everything made sense, prompting her to finally looking up and meet her eyes.

"Sorry." She rubbed at her eyes and cheeks, sighing as she explained why she was apologising: "I shouldn't have snapped."

The dark haired doctor moved her hair from her face, and settled herself down into the sofa, and rubbed her young colleagues arm affectionately, before she lucked up the courage to speak: "Nick said you got yourself in a state, when we were trapped…" She stopped speaking when the younger woman turned to face her, making her realise that she was treading on dangerous territory, and resumed rubbing at her upper arm - unsure of what she was hoping to achieve.

"I was." It was a whisper. "I was so frightened. I just don't know what I'd do if anything happened to him." She stopped speaking and looked away from Zoe, who just seemed stunned.

"I asked him if you were his daughter." There she'd said it, she failed to mention the rest of that conversation - her reasoning for getting to that decision - but she was stunned when the younger woman laughed.

"I'm not." Her amusement was still evident in her tone when she spoke.

"Obviously." She smile standing up and offering Sam her hand as she did so, squeezing it gently, before reaching to wipe the only remaining trail of mascara from her cheek. "Go on, get yourself ready again."

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><p><strong>The plan is to get another chapter up within the week, but I'll see how that goes.. <strong>

**however, until next time, **

**Anny.**

**P.S. I can't get the spaces to work right, it's very annoying.**


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter was a lot more difficult than I had planned. **

**However, I'm amazed by the reaction to this; so, thanks to Meggi, Callie, Cbear, MissGracieKathy, MadHatter & Bookmouse. I hope you enjoy this chapter. **

**Oh, I should mention, anything in italics from now on will be flashbacks.**

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><p>It had been six weeks; well a few days less than six weeks since the day she'd woken up with Dylan again. It had felt like such a natural thing to do; that waking alone, in her own little flat seemed like the new experience, she felt the sting of tears forming in her eyes and she willed herself not to cry because really she didn't think she could face another morning with Zoe trying, albeit genuinely, be sympathetic and supportive. Personally, she felt that after spending half the previous evening sobbing alone - in her cold flat - for no apparent reason, she couldn't possibly have enough tears to cry anymore.<p>

She stood outside the ED entrance for a few minutes when she reached the doors, trying to prepare herself for facing Dylan - she should've known that he would treat that night as a drunken mistake and then spend in time in her presence acting as if it didn't happen, despite the fact that he was sober. She was the drunken one, that being said, she was also vaguely aware that she probably was the one to initiate it.

"_Come home with me…" She leant in closer to him, the alcohol clouding her thoughts, her head fell against his shoulder and she ran her available hand along his left cheek, as he dropped her wrist. _

"_You're going to regret this Sam…" She shook her head at his suggestion, unaware or unthinking of his sober state. _

"_No. I won't." She tilted her head upwards and brushed her lips across his, before pulling away to gauge his response.  
><em>

She opened her eyes quickly, trying to rid herself of the memories, agreeing silently with her drunken self and accepting that she still didn't regret that night. She should, but she didn't, obviously Dylan did. Dylan, who she would have to face fairly soon. Then there was Zoe; Zoe who was only trying to look out for her, but she needed her to back off because she'd seen the way that Dylan looked at her and she wasn't ready to deal with seeing Dylan with someone else just yet.

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><p>She scrubbed her hand over her face as she walked into the ED clutching her coffee, not understanding why she was so tired, by about nine the previous night she had stopped the irrational tears and stumbled into bed.<p>

"Morning." She yawned as she directed her greeting to Lenny, who smirked in response.

"Late night?" Despite his barely restrained amusement evident as he spoke, he managed to plaster a look of concern across his face.

"No, that's the really ridiculous thing." She rubbed her hand across her forehead, trying to prevent the banging in her head, closing her eyes when she suddenly felt light headed.

Stumbling slightly as she made to grab a chair to steady herself, but Lenny grabbed her arm, keeping her on her feet: "You okay?" He glanced down at the top of her head in concern as he felt her sway again.

"Yeah, I'm just exhausted. Don't worry about me." She opened her eyes feeling considerably more stable, and pulled her arm from his grip, as she made to walk to the staffroom.

"Sam…" He called after her as she walked away.

Reluctantly she turned around looked for an answer: "Yeah?"

"He can't blame you forever." He smiled and she tried to smile back, but her heart just wasn't in it.

"He can try." It was a whisper that no one else heard.

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><p>Lenny leant against the reception desk, watching as Sam struggled across the crowded ED, looking even paler than earlier that morning. "Zoe, can you not have a word with Dylan?" He turned to the consultant to his left, who was filling in paperwork.<p>

She glanced up, tapping her pen against her lips as she did so: "About what?"

"Look at the state of her…" He gestured Sam, as she wandered by the reception desk, for the second time.

"What? You think he'd listen to anyone?" She raised her eyebrow in question and shrugged as she returned to her notes. "Has she been crying again?" She looked round, causing Lenny to lean down to make eye contact with her, shaking his head, as he did so. Though his eyes did light up at the mention of new information.

"She was sick yesterday." Tess, at Zoe's opposite side, turned to become involved in the conversation.

"When?" Zoe glanced up in alarm as she heard Tess speak.

Confusion gracing her features, Tess replied: "Early on."

Feeling left out of the loop, Lenny re-involved himself with the conversation: "So, do we know what's wrong?"

"Not exactly. I think I might go have a little word with her actually…" Pen thrown at the desk in front of her, Zoe moved away and retraced Sam's steps, hoping to find the doctor.

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><p>Dizziness overcoming her, she supported herself against the cool wall outside the staff toilets, resting there until Zoe interrupted her quiet moment. "Sam?" She felt Zoe take her arm gently: "You okay?"<p>

She felt herself trying to speak as a sudden feeling of nausea struck her and she turned to walk into the toilets, feeling Zoe at her heels.

She stumbled against the cubicle door and slipped down on to the cool floor; closing her eyes trying to fight dizziness, until she realised that she was going to be sick. She moved closer to the toilet, feeling Zoe's hand on her back as she was sick. They remained there for a few moments; Zoe moving a hand comfortingly over her back, like a mother would a child, and her stomach heaving as she retched hoping that throwing up would make her feel a bit better. Eventually, she sat back her on heels as Zoe handed her a tissue. She drank in the concern written all over the older woman's face as she flushed the toilet, and fell back against the cool cubicle side.

As Zoe moved to sit next to her, she gently let her head fall against the older woman's shoulder as Zoe brushed escaped strands of her blonde hair from her face, taking the time to touch her forehead and feel her raised temperature. Glancing at the younger medic and took in her unusually pale complexion which showed her obvious exhaustion, watching as tears began to spill down her cheeks.

"You okay?" She let Zoe take her hand, as she spoke.

"Fine." She shrugged out of Zoe's grasp and made to stand up.

The consultant eyed the blonde woman wearily as she stood up and left the cubicle, trying to put the pieces together: "You've been sick." It was a statement and not a question; but truthfully, she actually did feel slightly better.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." She stood at the sink, splashing her face with water, until Zoe appeared behind her, taking her arms gently, shaking her head, and guided her from the room: "Come on, let's go have a lie down."

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><p>Zoe watched the sleeping doctor from the staffroom door and pondered whether or not to wake her; she looked so innocent and childlike with the blue blanket pulled up to her chin. She fingered the small box in her hand thoughtfully, closing the door softly, before she made her away across the room.<p>

She sat on the floor next to the sofa which Sam lay curled up on, and gently shook the young doctors shoulder: "Hey, hey, Sam…"

"Yeah?" Her eyes fluttered open, and she eyed the consultant with confusion, as she tried to gauge her surroundings.

"Can you do something for me?" Zoe's voice was quiet and all the while she spoke, she had one eye trained on the door. The younger woman shifted herself into sitting position and nodded her head just once.

"Take this, yeah?" Zoe lifted the small box into her view, and the younger medic shook her head violently, her blue eyes looking up at Zoe in complete alarm. "Come on, I'll even hold your hand while you wait…" Zoe tried reason with her the way she would any frightened patient with no luck.

"I can't Zoe…" She wanted to explain really she did, she just couldn't find a way to put it into words, she couldn't find herself staring at another negative test - even if this time it was possibly what she'd want - but she could already feel the pain come rushing back into her heart, so she trailed off hoping that Zoe accepted her decision. In the end she murmured her reasoning quietly, so quietly she wasn't even sure Zoe heard: "I can't have children; we couldn't have children, we tried and we couldn't."

She couldn't be certain whether it was the fact that she felt so ill, or the memories that one tiny little stick could evoke, that made her want to throw up. Regardless, she found herself breathing heavily and her body temperature rising. She was broken from her thoughts by Zoe's voice: "Feeling alright?"

She could only nod, before realising that maybe she just had to put her own mind at rest: "Give me that…" She extended her hand out, to take the box from Zoe as she made to stand up.

"Thank you." Zoe smiled sympathetically, and squeezed her hand encouragingly.

She had reached for the door handle by the time that she realised that Zoe was no long at her heels. And she turned quickly to ask her to stay with her: "You are coming with me, aren't you?"

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><p>Five minutes later they were sitting with a sink between them, staring at the positive test in Sam's hand; Sam looking troubled and Zoe concerned. Zoe sighed, as she watched Sam slowly got off the sink cabinet and locked herself in a cubicle. She emerged wiping tears a few minutes later: "You okay?" Zoe reached out to take her arm.<p>

"I don't know…" She leant over the sink, looking at her pale reflection in the mirror, as she splashed water over her face, for the second time that day. She wasn't sure; everything about this situation was all so backwards.

"When you said before that you couldn't have children, did you ever go for tests?" She turned to Zoe in confusion, before shaking her head.

"No… it was enough just to get the negative results. It nearly ruined our marriage every time." Noting the sadness in Zoe's face, she looked up at in confusion, but Zoe simply shook her head.

"Come on, you need to have a lie down, I need to go make sure we've not been missed." Zoe jumped down from the sink, and walked towards the door. "Obviously, it wasn't you who couldn't have the children." It was a fleeting, last minute remark but as true as it was; Zoe didn't understand what she was saying because she was implying that Dylan wasn't the father of her child. Which, truly, wasn't the case - because he was the only person she'd have ever considered having a child with - he was the one she was having a baby with, she just couldn't admit it.

"Zoe, you won't say anything will you?" She stopped Zoe in her tracks just as the left the toilets.

Despite the confusion gracing her features, she accepted that maybe just for the time being that she like to have kept it a secret: "No…"

"Thank you." Her smile was genuine; though she wasn't sure if it was of happiness or gratitude.

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><p><strong>Still not 100% about this chapter; but hopefully the others will work out the way I've planned, <strong>

**so until next time, **

**Anny. X.**


	4. Chapter 4

**So, this is up a bit earlier than I planned, purely because I've gotten a lot more done than I thought I would. **

**However, in future, I think I'll be updating once a week - or maybe a little less than a week, it'll just depend on the time I have.**

**Also, thanks to everyone who is reviewing and reading this. Glad you are enjoying it and are sticking with it despite it being something a bit different. **

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><p>"Sam. Sam. Samantha…" Groggily she became aware of someone saying her name and as she fought to open her eyes, she seen Dylan - actually looking sort of worried - she blinked sleepily when he reached across to touch her cheek. "Zoe said you weren't feeling very well?" She shook her head and immediately regretted it when she was struck by another pang of nausea. Sitting up and putting her head in her hands, breathing deeply, trying to prevent herself being sick again. Her body however had different ideas and she soon found herself leaning over the sink, retching; Dylan brushing her hair back from her face, rubbing her back, and generally looking awkward and flustered.<p>

A few steadying breaths later she stepped back, glancing up at Dylan as the door opened, suddenly gripping Dylan's arm, when she felt like she might faint. He looked up in alarm, and tried to steady her with an arm on her waist: "Are you okay?"

"Food poisoning, Dylan, I'll look after her." Breathing a sigh a relief at Zoe's intervention, she attempted to smile at Dylan, who quickly left the room.

"What happened there?" Zoe approached her, as Dylan left the room, beckoning her to the couch.

Sitting down, and letting her head rest against the back of the chair: "Dizzy. It's been on and off all day."

"I don't know how long you're going to get away with this." Turning her head to look up at Zoe she shook her head, realising the truth in what she was saying.

"I know." Her voice was quiet.

"Are you alright now?" The only response Zoe received was her nodding her head, before she started speaking again: "They're medical trained, they are going to work it out, maybe you should tell them?" Zoe was watching her intently now, as though trying to see if there was a particular person she was trying to hide the baby from.

She knew she was frightened and she thought that Zoe knew she was frightened too, but she didn't want to share her news yet, didn't want to have to tell Dylan: "It's too early to mention it."

"Just be careful, you can pick up anything in here." Zoe had smiled understandingly, and placed a hand on her arm as she got up to leave the staff room.

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><p>She took the first file Tess waved in front of her desperate to do something while she was in the department, she seemed to have both Dylan and Zoe dancing around her trying to take things off her hands, walking towards cubicle four she came face to face with a three year old girl and a possible broken arm.<p>

She was forced to listen patiently to both mother and daughter as she was given full tales of tumbles from climbing frames to Mr Teddy's tea party.

Simply to save her sanity she felt herself speaking over both of them: "She never hit her head?" The mother simply shook her head so she turned her attentions to the child. "Well, I'm Sam, what's your name?"

"Katie." The child's face lit up as she spoke and she waved the stuffed cat she was clutching in her face, in some attempt to involve it in the conversation.

"Have you hurt your arm? Oh, who's this then?" She slipped her stethoscope from around her neck, as she sat down the edge of the bed, taking the arm in question.

Katie nodded softly before exclaiming: "Rolo."

She felt the beginning of a headache forming as she quietly excused herself and left the cubicle, closing her eyes as she leant against the desk in the centre of the room, before phoning to book her in for an x-ray.

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><p>She was just finishing up with Katie when Dylan approached her again. She brushed by him, trying to avoid the conversation that he was trying to provoke. He grabbed her arm and refused to let her go: "What's wrong Sam?"<p>

"Nothing. Food poisoning, I think. I'm fine." She attempted to shrug out of his grip.

He stared at her, talking slowly, as if she was a child, who could not understand a particularly difficult question: "You're not, though, are you?"

"Yes." She hissed a response at him, his shocked face made her feel slightly guilty but she just didn't want to deal with the situation they'd gotten themselves into just yet, and that was why she snapped: "Dylan, leave me alone!" She covered her face with her hands, when he dropped her arm, and walked away - a look of hurt flashing in his eyes.

"Sam, sweetheart, can you take this?" Dixie's voice called out bringing her out of the trance as she watched Dylan walk away from her. She was about agree when Dixie began to speak again: "Alright? You look a bit dazed." She shook her head slightly, before nodding and flashing the paramedic a small smile. But she had already waved a hand to Jeff who was now talking to Lenny. "Have you two had a fight?" She tried to shake her head but she couldn't. Instead she just glanced the way Dylan had walked, and assumed that he'd headed back to CDU.

She watched as Lenny wheeled away the patient who was supposed to serve as her distraction, and vaguely heard the conversation between Dixie and Zoe.

"Not really with it today, is she?"

"She's got stuff on her mind." Zoe's tone sounded concerned, but she couldn't tear her eyes from the last spot Dylan had been on before she stormed off.

"You can add the husband to that, it looked like a bit of a domestic when we were bring him in." Dixie's voice broke into her thoughts, and she eventually decided that she would just have to go and make some attempt at apologising.

She walked through the doors, out into reception and up the stairs, hoping she'd find her husband. She was aware of Noel trying to speak to her as she walked past, but she knew if she stopped she'd never pluck up courage to go and find him again.

Eventually, she noticed him hunched in the corner at a desk, writing notes, in the semi dark room. Taking a deep breath she pushed open the doors and walked towards him. She stood in front of him silently, biting her lip as she did so, waiting on him looking up, before she spoke. After a few moments he did so, but he barely acknowledged her, when she didn't move away he muttered something that sounded vaguely like a 'yes.'

"I'm sorry…" She began, before stopping to realise that he had almost immediately returned to the notes he was reading, she pondered whether to just leave but decided she couldn't leave it like that: "…I shouldn't have shouted, I didn't mean to. I just don't like people fussing." She stopped and turned to walk away, having realised he had not made any indication he had even heard what she said.

"I know." He spoke as she turned her back, though his voice was quiet, she could sense the worry in it, more so as he continued: "You are alright, though, aren't you?" She turned around and nodded briefly, before continuing to walk away.

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><p>She was walking with Jeff with her latest patient, seventeen year old Chris Watson, who apparently managed to cut his forehead on some broken glass - how this came about she was unsure and she had yet to ask, when she had to stop to determine what peculiar feeling was threatening to overcome her.<p>

"Okay princess?" She watched the patient look up at Jeff in confusion, before his eyes fell on her and he turned back round.

She nodded her head slowly, after a steadying breath, yet remained still and speak quickly to Scarlett: "Scarlett, could you clean that cut for me please, I'll be back in a minute." The young nurse shot her a bright smile and nodded her head. "Thanks." She turned on her heel, and stumbled straight into Dylan who raised to both arms to steady her.

They stood facing each other, his hands still on her arms, and she become vaguely aware of Jeff watching them closely, as he walked by. "Okay?" His voice was quiet, and as they stood an arm's length from each other she assumed it was so only she could hear him.

"Yeah." She took note from his behaviour, and spoke a similar quiet yet firm tome.

"Do you want me to take this one?" He glanced between her and her patient as he spoke and she simply shook her head. "Sure you're okay?" He whispered as he placed his hand tenderly on her forehead, seemingly uncaring of public setting, as if looking for sign of a raised temperature.

"So, I'm not dying then, Dr. Keogh?" They shared a small smile at a joke she had started before they were even married, before he shook his mutely and pushed her back towards her patient.

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><p>"I'm just asking you to sit down so that I can see how deep the cut is…" She sighed in frustration as her patient made to stand up again, taking a few deep breaths she attempted to keep her temper in check. She pulled the curtain open as she went to collect a few bandages and antiseptic, trying to one eye on her patient as she walked to the other end of the cubicles. She spotted Dylan looking up at her patient, and she inwardly groaned assuming that he had attempted to make some other bid for freedom.<p>

She returned to hear the tail end of a conversation, occurring between her patient, Dylan and, oddly, Lenny.

"…and what's she got to do with you anyway?" She couldn't even remember his name, it could've been Mark or Paul or Chris, something common like that anyway; but it was definitely him speaking.

"She's his wife." Lenny's Scottish accent chipped through her thoughts, and she wondered why this information was now being shared with the patients. "I know, believe me, we were all as surprised as you are." She stopped walking at that, because did people really think that, granted she knew Dylan didn't seem like the marrying type and maybe she didn't either. Yet, she felt by now, they'd at least have accepted it.

She pulled at the curtain announcing her return, causing both doctors to jump away in shock, she ignored the entire overheard conversation as she busied herself with cleaning the cut on his forehead.

"You married him?" She frowned as her patient questioned her on her martial status, before pressing the pad with antiseptic on it to his head.

She responded with a firm: "Yes." As if it was an end to the matter. He hissed in pain as the antiseptic touched his open cut.

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><p>She stood leaning against are locker with her eyes closed, when she became aware of someone else's presence in the staff room, opening her eyes she seen Zoe standing there. "Hi."<p>

"Tough day?" The older medic smiled at her in understanding as she asked the ridiculous question with the obvious answer.

"Something like that." She murmured her response, thinking back to earlier on when she had snapped at Dylan, something she'd never done without him provoking it before. "Gave Dylan a bit of a hard time." She grimaced as Zoe nodded.

"I heard. He'll forgive you." Zoe pulled her bag from her locker, as she turned one final time, she dished out her final piece of medical advice for the day: "Just go home and go to bed Sam."

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><p><strong>When next time I'm not sure, <strong>

**but until next time, **

**Anny. X. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks once again, to Megan, Callie, ficmouse, MissGracieKathy and Katie Hannah - I am glad you are enjoying it, and I hope you feel that this chapter moves the process on a bit. :P **

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><p>Zoe stood against the desk in the middle of the cubicle area, staring in the direction of where Dylan appeared to busying himself with paperwork; feeling he was avoiding Sam, or they were avoiding each other. Their run in before the chemical explosion had been pretty awful - and she could tell that Dylan regretted the things that he said about their marriage but in typical Dylan fashion he seemed to be avoiding the issue, by the way Sam appeared to have forgotten Dylan's words she was sure this was pretty much how they had dealt with every problem in their marriage. "Are you two definitely over?"<p>

Her question appeared to pull him out of his trance. "Who?" He sounded confused when he replied. She glanced behind her a few times, making sure Sam was definitely out of ear shot when she replied, determined not to upset matters any further, though she couldn't work out if he really wasn't aware of she was talking about or if he deliberately avoiding the question: "You and Sam."

"Right. Yes." He didn't look at her, just picked up his stethoscope and slung it around his shoulders and made to walk away.

She turned when she realised that he was walking away, trying to avoid the conversation - she felt they had to have "Are you two both okay with that?"Disgruntled he muttered out his reply: "Yes."

"Don't you think that you could be less abrupt with her?" She could tell that she was trying his patience, but she was concerned by the stress Sam was putting herself under - the ED was bad enough, without run ins with Dylan - concerned about what that stress could do to her pregnancy.

"Why?" Everything about his response screamed Dylan.

"You're impossible. Because she doesn't need it frankly." Yes, she probably could have thought up something slightly better than that but it was far too early in the morning, and frankly if Dylan guessed about the pregnancy, perhaps maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing.

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><p>She had been avoiding having to see Zoe too often for the past four weeks, because she was always there trying to force her to eat and take a break, and she couldn't deal with anyone getting suspicious; not yet. Now, however, she was avoiding Zoe for an entirely different reason. Where Zoe was Dylan, for some reason or other, was never too far away, and worst of all - he seemed happy around Zoe; where as she had made him miserable - she wasn't entirely sure when he had decided he was miserable, but what mattered was he had.<p>

Which was in fact why she found herself in the almost darkened staff room, looking through the window, watching them; their heads were bent together in conversation. It wasn't the first time she'd seen them together, and each time it hurt even more than the last, because it just meant she was getting further and further away. She wished she wasn't so hormonal, because now she standing in the middle of the empty staffroom, in floods of tears, as Linda walked in.

"Sam?" Upon getting no response from the tearful doctor, she simply stepped closer to her and squeezed her shoulder: "Come here…" She trailed off as she pulled the upset doctor into her arms; rubbing her back affectionately as she continued to sob.

"Sorry." She pulled away from Linda when she realised how emotional she seemed.

"Hey, it's alright." Linda pulled at her arm as she made to leave the staff room, keeping her there, before guiding them both over to the sofa and pushing her down into it: Let's just have a cup of tea." She smiled sympathetically at the young doctor, who was wiping at her cheeks and blinking her eyes rapidly - obviously attempting to compose herself - as she began running the tap to fill the kettle.

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><p>Zoe had been standing swamped in paperwork, looking around wondering where half the department seemed to have disappeared to when the blondest of the nurses approached her, looking like she was about to discuss anything but work. "Thought you weren't interested?"<p>

"What?" She looked up in confusion, and wondered if the nurse would expand slightly.

She returned to the chart in front of her, when Linda chose to use one word to expand on her previous statement: "Dylan."

"And what exactly makes you think I'm interested?" Zoe spoke with an air of indifference and the only indication that she was even alarmed by the topic of conversation was her raised eyebrow.

"Sam." For a usually chatty woman by nature, Linda's fondness for one word answers did not go unnoticed by Zoe, who glanced around the room, before returning to the chart in front of her as Linda walked away as suddenly as she'd appeared.

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><p>Everything about today had been so much worse than usual; the sickness, the tears, the swinging emotions. Which was why she found herself sitting on the cool tile floor of a toilet cubicle willing herself to stop feeling so sick, the root of this particular bout of sickness lay with the gulp of tea she'd managed to force down her throat when Zoe had insisted she took a break.<p>

She was still sitting there when she heard the door swing open, and who it was stopped at the sinks, she was just about to stand when her stomach swirled dangerously and she found herself hunched back over the toilet bowl, vomiting once again.

"Hello…" She heard a gentle tapping at the cubicle door and, with her distinct accent, Linda's voice sound out, she sighed wearily realising that she wouldn't be able to hide this from her, she made no effort to reply and Linda continued: "…are you okay?" She mentally prepared herself for the confrontation the moment she opened the door, as she wiped her mouth and flushed the toilet, scrubbing her hands under her eyes hoping to make herself look a bit more alert.

"Have you been sick?" Linda turned when Sam emerged from the toilet cubicle, behind where she was fixing her make-up. "What's wrong?" She put her lip gloss in her make-up bag, and turned around looking at Sam quizzically.

"It's nothing, I'm fine." She attempted to shrug off Linda's concern as she made her way to the sink.

Her head was spinning, when she reached the sink, somewhere distantly she heard Linda speaking while placing a hand on her arm - something she assumed that was meant in comfort: "Sweetheart, is this about Zoe and Dylan?"

"No." She'd spoken too quickly, much to quickly but the shock of finding of someone actually saying it out loud to her, wasn't what she'd been expecting. "No, I mean, we're over. He can do what he wants." She stopped talking and as she looked in the mirror she caught sight of the look of pity which crossed Linda's face. She decided, suddenly, that this was her cue to leave before she could be asked anymore awkward questions. "I need to go." With that she left Linda standing alone. Purely because she felt that she had to get out of there; the last thing she needed today was to breakdown in front of Linda, for a second time. Linda would be the worst person, she never had any idea when it was important to keep her mouth shut or not. She wasn't particularly keen on showing anyone her emotions, giving them the knowledge of what upsets her, Dylan had that and that one person was enough.

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><p>She was relieved when she watched the doors swing open, and Dixie walked in Jeff at her heels, as he pushed a wheelchair - containing what was quite hopefully her next patient, if only to serve as a distraction. "Terry Pritchard, forty-three, BP 120 over 80, pulse 85, GCS of 14 throughout. Involved in an RTC."<p>

She stepped forward quickly, approaching Dixie before speaking: "Yeah, I've got it Dixie."

"Okay, my darling, thanks." The paramedic offered her a small smile before she left the department, Jeff closely following behind her.

This the moment of that day where everything just went wrong. They seemed to think he'd been involved in a drink-driving incident; the police were swamping the department and that was keeping him on edge. The cuts on his head superficial and fairly easy to clean up, with the head CT coming back clear and although she was almost convinced that he was free from concussion but she liked to be on the safe side.

Her mind was wandering to the conversation she could see happening by the desk in the middle of the room; Dylan and Zoe, whispering. About what she wasn't sure, but it was enough to distract her from her patient long enough for him to get up and approach her.

A shove was all it took and she went flying sideways into the bed in the next cubicle, catching her stomach on the steel of the bed frame; gasping as her hand shot protectively to her stomach. She expected the pain to be much greater, but it wasn't, just the pain you would feel after any fall. Her legs were shaking as she tried to steady herself; then Zoe was at her side.

"Alright?" Zoe's words sounded distant, as she held her arms helping her sit on the edge of the bed. She nodded slightly as Zoe continued to watch her worriedly. "Are you in pain?"

"No. Nothing more than I would expect." She got up ready to walk away, when Zoe grabbed her wrist stopping her, looking at her with a mixture of both worry and complete confusion.

"Do you want me to do a scan, just to be on the safe side?" She looked at Zoe in alarm and realised that, that really couldn't happen.

"No." If it was possible Zoe looked even more confused.

"Staffroom." It didn't sound like a question and reluctantly she followed Zoe there.

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><p>Once the door was secure closed behind them, Zoe turned to her: "What's going on?"<p>

"Nothing." She looked away from Zoe biting her lip, trying to ignore how much she didn't want to be in this situation.

"It's odd." It was a quick statement she used purely to get a reaction because she felt she had to recapture Sam's attention, and she didn't understand how the younger woman was feeling at all.

"What is?" She turned to look at her, desperately hoping that she wouldn't have to explain herself.

"Not wanting that scan, everything is still okay isn't it?" Zoe questioned her softly, and from her tone, she could tell that Zoe feared the worst. Instinctively she wrapped both her arms around her stomach and allowed herself to breathe a sigh of relief at the lack of pain she was experiencing.

"Yeah, yeah…" Her voice was quiet and her arms remained wrapped around her stomach.

Zoe glanced at her with a slight look of disbelief, before glancing out the window and catching sight of Dylan looking at the door, as if pondering whether or not he should enter the staff room: "Are you sure?" Zoe returned her attention to the other woman in the room in time for her answer.

"Yeah." She wanted to hate her; hate her for getting Dylan, just when she needed him the most but the kindness in her voice prevented her from doing so. She had never felt so alone, tears came unbidden to her eyes as she felt Zoe wrap her arms around her.

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><p><strong>Until next time, x.<strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Just a quick thanks to everyone who had review the previous chapter; and I am very glad that you are still enjoying it. **

**This isn't the most exciting of chapters; but I've now found my regular update day - so every Tuesday from now on. **

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><p>Her fall had been almost four weeks ago and although at the time it had terrified her, she had accepted that no harm had been done. However, now, she couldn't work out what was causing the discomfort she was feeling today and, if she was being honest, it was terrifying her. While she was certain she couldn't call it pain, she knew that something just wasn't right.<p>

Mid-shift, the feeling of discomfort shifted pain, in this case a shooting pain to the right side of her stomach, she considered briefly turning to Zoe; but when she watched her giggling at something Dylan had said, she changed her mind almost instantly. She had outwardly winced, and immediately caught Charlie's attention.

She was sure if the pain hadn't been so frightening she would've cried; she felt Charlie rest a hand on her back, and wheel a chair nearer her, so she could sit down. "Do you want me to get a doctor?" She shook her head quickly.

Taking a few deep breaths before she attempted to stand up - hoping the pain would be a one-off, she offered him one word of explanation, in the hope that he would leave her alone "Cramp." Charlie looked at her uncertainly, as she stood up and picked the file which had been in her hand up from the desk again, before walking away from the concerned gaze of the kind nurse.

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><p>The day seemed to go without any further incident, she had managed to avoid both Charlie and Zoe - which was no easy task - although she had spotted them talking briefly, nothing unusual - though it did fill her with a sense of unease.<p>

She had just closed her locker door, when Linda walked in to the staff room, and the chatty nurse had immediately enveloped her in conversation; she wasn't even sure what it was about because waves of sharp pain began washing over her, once again. She tried to pick up on what Linda was asking her - if only to serve as a distraction. "Going out?" She looked up at the nurse in confusion, her expansion on her question was to indicate the way Sam was dressed. She wasn't sure what she was going to say, because the little cotton or wool dresses and the leggings were purely an attempt at hiding an indication of a bump that would soon be forming. But as she opened her mouth to attempt to explain, she was forced to bite her lip, to fight back a squeal of pain or fear.

Her hand instinctively touched her stomach as she rushed towards the door, the pain suddenly becoming worse as she attempted to move. She channelled all her energy into walking away from the staff room; away from Linda. Her closest, safest refuge was the ladies toilets, just down the corridor.

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><p>Salty tears began rapidly falling down her cheeks, the moment she locked herself in the cubicle, as the pain increased; she expected there to be blood, truthfully, but the pain was still enough to frighten her.<p>

"Sam..?" In her panic she hadn't realised that Linda had followed her, until her voice broke her fear filled thoughts. Linda tapped at the door slightly before speaking again: "Are you alright?" Sobs were no longer suppressed as her entire body shook while she pulled her leggings back up and pushed the lock open, therefore letting Linda in.

"I'm pregnant." It was the first time she'd ever said it, Linda was the first person, except Zoe, to know and she wasn't even sure how much long she'd be able to say it for.

Linda nodded quickly in understanding, putting both of her arms out to sit on her shoulders forcing her to look at her: "What's wrong? Are you bleeding?" Linda's questions made her head spin and she was relieved that Linda was holding on to her or she was certain she would have fallen to the floor.

"No." She whispered in reply as she shook her head, still crying silently unable to stop the tears.

"But you're in pain?" For all her faults, when Linda actually got down to doing her job, she was good at it. She paused for a moment to let her nod her head in response, before trying to find a solution: "Do you want me to get Dylan?" She shook her head, which was a completely contradictory to what her heart had wanted her to say.

"No." She managed to choke the word out between distressed sobs, she wished she could have Dylan there holding her hand, telling her everything would be okay. But she couldn't, he seemed to have Zoe now.

She was brought back to reality with the sound of Linda's voice, and gentle pushing at her to get her to step forwards. "Alright, come on, we'll get you into a cubicle, and then we'll work it out. Does anyone know?" They before stopped at the toilet door, waiting on an answer - an answer she wasn't sure if she wanted to give.

"Zoe." Her voice was quiet when she spoke, hoping that maybe Zoe was busy, just so she never had to face her.

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><p>The corridor was practically bare of staff, and the cubicle at the end almost hidden entirely from view, as Linda guided her there. The blonde nurse was the picture of serenity, and most unlike herself, as she helped her sit up onto the edge of the bed. "Okay?" She nodded briefly, before letting her hand fall back onto her stomach. "I'm going to get Zoe, will you be okay on your own?" Again, her only response was to nod her head.<p>

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><p>Zoe was treating a drunk with a laceration to his upper left arm, when she heard the curtain opening behind her, she put the final stitch in his arm, before she considered turning to see who had interrupted them. "Zoe, cubicle seven when you've got a minute?" The brunette doctor, turned to face Linda, confusion across her face.<p>

"Sorry?" Her confusion only increased when Linda stepped closer to her, and she was forced to suddenly understand either the seriousness or the secretive nature of the situation.

"Sam." She felt her own eyes widen in the shock, and understanding, of what Linda was saying to her. She nodded, before quickly grabbing her stethoscope from the bed in front of her, and returning to her patient. She raised one hand at Linda as the nurse turned away heading back towards cubicle seven, hoping that she realise she was indicating she'd be five more minutes.

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><p>"Okay darling, how're you?" She stuck her head back around the curtain before she entered; taking in Sam's pale, worried appearance. When the doctor made no effort to reply to her, she stepped further into the cubicle, sitting at the side of the bed, as she took her hand. "Zoe's going to be five minutes and then we'll see what's wrong, okay?" The blonde doctor nodded her head slightly.<p>

"How long have you been getting the pain?" She took the thermometer from the edge of the bed, and the stethoscope from around her neck, and put them on the bed before joining Sam.

"It started few hours ago, it wasn't bad at first, then…" Her voice was quiet, when she replied, the fear that was coursing through her body evident.

"I know, it's okay. Zoe won't be long." She cut the doctor off sensing the distress in her voice, as tears, once again, filled her eyes.

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><p>Zoe pulled open the blue curtain around the cubicle where Sam lay and stepped inside taking the in the fragile state Sam was in as she lay motionless, both hands sat delicately on her stomach. She moved to her side as she shifted the scanner to the side of the trolley Sam lay on. The tearful doctor merely attempted but failed to give any indication that she had noticed Zoe's arrival, and instead wiped at stray tears which fell down her cheeks. Linda moved closer to her other side, and took her hand, as Zoe switched the machine on. "How many weeks are you?"<p>

"Ten." She murmured the number, and despite the fact she had been hoping to hide the real date her child was conceived as far from the department as possible, she knew the moment she had uttered the carefully constructed lie it would not even last another few minutes. But still the well rehearsed lie was what has slipped from her lips.

Zoe waited until she pulled her cotton dress up, exposing her still flat abdomen and turned to face Linda as she felt the coolness of the gel and the wand gently roll against her stomach. Zoe spoke quietly: "I think you're more likely twelve weeks, Sam."

"Right." She knew it was going to happen the moment Zoe entered the cubicle; it never made much difference, and in hindsight there probably wasn't much point in trying to lie about it just to hide the fact from Dylan that she was having his baby.

"Does that make a difference?" Zoe glanced across the cubicle at Linda as she spoke, as if hoping Linda would be able to indicate Sam's reaction.

"No." Her voice was quiet, when she replied, not purely because she would never be able to lie to Dylan now, but because Zoe wasn't telling her anything and that was beginning to frighten her more than the pain. "Zoe, what's wrong?" She felt Linda squeeze her hand tightly and the nurse reached down to cup her cheek gently as though she was preparing her for bad news.

"Nothing. Everything seems okay." The compassion in Zoe's voice, affected her more than she'd ever admit.

She turned her slightly, in order to try to see the ultrasound monitor. Linda let her hand fall from her face, as she did so, and a little part of her was relieved when she didn't take her hand away as well. She looked at Zoe as she spoke: "Can I see?"

Zoe nodded and pulled the monitor round so she could see it properly, taking a moment to point to her child the screen showed. "There you go. One little baby…"

"Two arms, two legs..." She heard Linda's strong, distinct accent take over, and she pushed the screen away from her as the reality of bringing up a child on her own hit her. She sat upright on the bed, as Zoe moved quickly to sit next to her, taking her hand.

Linda handed her a paper towel to wipe the gel from her stomach, which she accepted gratefully and rearranged her clothes. Her head was spinning as she tried to process the events since the end of her shift; she pressed the back of her hand to her mouth as Zoe looked at her concern showing on her face. "Sam?" She looked up at the mention of her name. "Just try and take a nice deep breath…" Somehow, instinct took over and she was able to do as she asked. "…good girl. Can you get water Linda?" Zoe's words were swimming around her mind as she caught herself up in thoughts of trying to bring up a baby on her own.

She looked at Zoe, as Linda left, swinging the curtain closed behind herself. "I feel sick." Her hand returned to her mouth, as Zoe coaxed her through further deep breaths.

"Thought you might. It's the shock." The brunette smiled sympathetically, as she moved from the bed to lift a few card bowls, and a handful of paper towels before she returned to Sam's side. "Alright?"

She took in the contents in Zoe's hands, she offered her a weak smile. "I'm alright. Do you know what the pain was?" She looked back to the brunette curiously.

"No, there was nothing on the scan Sam. I think I might need to call Obs and Gynae, get them to be sure." The brunette took her younger colleagues hand, squeezing it, as she tried to reassure her. "You okay to wait, I'll stay with you?" The blonde doctor nodded her head softly.

"Water." Linda made her entrance known, as she stepped back into the cubicle. "Sam, can I phone someone for you? The baby's father?" She almost laughed at the suggestion, a steadying breath later, however, she shook her head silently.

All three woman lapsed into silence for a moment before Zoe stood up. The brunette turned to the other two before she spoke "I'm going to phone Obs and Gynae." Leaving the older blonde to comfort the distressed younger.

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><p><strong>I promise it'll be a bit more eventful next week.. until then.<strong>

** Anny. X **


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank-you to everyone who review and enjoyed the last chapter. **

**And particularly, to Meggi and Callie, who have listened to my rants about this chapter for about a fortnight now; but here it is as best as I could get it. **

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><p>She'd manage to make it through the two weeks following her horrifying scare, without further incident; yet, completely unaware of how Linda had managed to keep her secret to herself. Consequently though, she now had both Zoe and Linda on her back about resting, difficult patients and eating correctly. It's not that she wasn't grateful, but she was determined to do things her way and that did meaning managing her own eating habits. She had snapped at them both, since she'd started her shift and was certain it was because of the little sleep she'd gotten the previous night, and the fact that after weeks of nothing, she was back to feeling nauseous from the moment she'd woken up.<p>

She sighed, as she felt her coffee being taken from her hands - on this particular morning by Zoe. "Break time over, sorry…" She glanced up, suspecting that the confusion she was feeling was now etched across her face. She waited until Zoe elaborated "RTC, at the moment they are estimating about five or so casualties. Okay?" She blinked before she nodded, grapping her stethoscope from the table in front of her and following Zoe. Who stopped them both in their tracks at the door: "Sure you're up to this?" She had nodded, but that simply act caused her stomach to whirl dangerously, and she quickly retreated to the sink. Zoe closed the door behind her, and was by her side within seconds, rubbing her back soothingly as she retched again and again. "Alright?" Zoe had asked the question, as she had turned away from the sink, having established that although she felt awful; she wasn't going to be sick.

"Yeah. I just thought it was over." The older woman had smiled at her sympathetically, as she beckoned her towards the sofa. She took in the expression on her face, and answered the unasked question: "I'll be fine. I'll stop the minute I'm not, promise." The older woman had squeezed her hand in reassurance.

"Come on then…" The words were spoken merely seconds before both woman were out the door heading towards to the front the department.

They both stopped as they reached reception, noticing that their colleague appeared to have congregated there, her head was spinning and she moved closer to the reception desk, hoping to give herself something to lean against she bowed her head, trying to stop the waves of nausea and light-headedness which had chosen this moment to combine their efforts against her. "You don't look too clever." She glanced up at the remark made by her estranged husband, from where she was standing leaning heavily against the desk with the back of her hand pressed against her mouth, trying to resist the urge to be physically sick - as they waited on the first arrival of the casualties. She didn't even consider responding to him, instead she rushed off the in the direction of the toilets.

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><p>She leant forwards to wash her face, sighing inwardly when she realised that the lack of make-up would just highlighted how pale she really was, she wasn't entirely sure what was making her feel so sick today; over the past couple of weeks she had been forced to think about the reality of bringing up a child and while the subject had sent her mind into a complete spin, she had accepted it and even attempted to plan.<p>

She returned as the paramedics began wheeling patients through the double doors, well aware that she looked pale; she watched as Zoe, Tess Nick and Charlie left with the most critical looking cases, and she was, unusually, unaware of Dylan's presence behind her until he spoke, startling her: "You've been sick." It didn't appear to be a question and she turned to look at him properly, as he continued to speak. "Are you even fit to be here?" She only nod in response, unsure if she should be grateful that he was concerned - though she felt that could've been more for the patients benefit than hers - or furious that he was suggesting she wasn't up to doing her job.

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><p>She could feel exhaustion creeping up on her, after about an hour of rushing around, it seemed Zoe could see this too, because she was soon at her side, whispering questions, suggesting that she take a break. She was reluctant to leave them short staffed - with Lenny juggling cubicles with Scarlett, and Tom and Lloyd at the scene, she did briefly consider joining Lenny because she was certain that the oil from the scene was what was making her spin and her feel particularly nauseous. The unwelcome and unexpected return of her morning sickness that morning she believed was only making the situation worse.<p>

However, moments later, the police had brought news that the tanker had been the first car in the pile up, several others crashing into the back, and as it tipped, others swerved to avoid it, resulting in them careering into the side of it. This chain of events had consequently, lead to the spill of what the tanker had been transporting; what it was exactly they were unsure of, though it looked like oil, well had that been what paramedics had trodden through Resus.

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><p>"ABCs; U and Es; LFTs; IV access; fluids." Despite the fact that there was variation in the voice uttering each request, she was certain it was all she had heard since she'd entered Resus, an hour before hand. Although, she knew that she was relieved when they were able to start admitting people to wards; of the six casualties they had treated, three were now safely in Keller - awaiting minor surgery and orthopaedic assessments for fractures and possible breaks. One had suffered nothing another than whiplash and probable concussion, the other a broken leg and they were safe in cubicles. The most critical casualty had always been the tanker driver and somehow she had found herself working with Zoe as they attempted to stabilise him, she couldn't help but feel this was because the older woman was determined to keep tabs on her.<p>

The panic in Resus had died down after an hour and a half, with most patients now stable, the worst of being a tanker driver - under her care. Waves of light headedness had begun passing over her as she heard Tess' voice "What is the stuff Jeff and Dixie trailed in here?" She heard nothing else and assumed that no one had provided an answer as she gripped the frame of the trolley to steady herself.

"Where's the driver of the tanker?" Charlie's voice, sounded across Resus, before Zoe indicated the patient to her right. "Okay, do we have next of kin?"

She knew her head was spinning, and even Zoe standing next to her sounded distant when she spoke: "Outside." She was vaguely aware of Tess walking and opening the door, and briefing conversing with who she could only assume was her patient's wife.

"Toxic?" Tess repeated the word, loudly yet, carefully to the woman, who could only nod in reply. As Tess' head turned to Charlie, he looked across the room to Nick, and Zoe looked suddenly at Linda. Silence swept the room, as everyone's thoughts drifted to what was going to happen next.

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><p>"Out. Sam, out!" Zoe spoke suddenly, when she turned to face her, and in all honestly, this was not how she wanted her pregnancy to be revealed.<p>

It was in her nature to not back down, so she did attempt to protest Zoe's decision. "You need me in here." It was a question what she expected to be shot down in flames, instantly, and she wasn't wrong.

"Is it worth the risk?" Zoe spoke through clenched teeth, while trying to grab her arm, in order to force her from the room.

"Will it make any difference now?" She knew that it was the fear she was feeling that was encouraging her protests to stay, rather than go outside and be forced to think of what harm could've come to her child.

"Think of your little baby, was last week not terrifying enough?" Linda involved herself in the conversation and as Zoe was walking to the door with her, she turned around to catch the briefest look of confusion, realisation and then hurt cross Dylan's face before he returned to his patient.

Zoe pushed open the door, forcing her out of Resus before shouting on Lenny: "I need you to check Sam over for me?" They were speaking as if she wasn't there, and really all she wanted to do was go straight back into Resus and apologise to Dylan; the look on his face haunting as Lenny and Zoe continued to talk.

Lenny nodded, before continuing to speak: "What's going on in there?"

"Toxic waste." Zoe's answer was simple, but she paused noting Lenny's look of confusion towards her, and she indicated her by pointing her thumb: "She's pregnant." Lenny nodded, again, though his confusion remained.

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><p>Lenny pulled her arm, when she never moved - eyes rooted to the glass window in the door, where she could still see Dylan. She felt herself being pulled towards a cubicle, and managed to mutter out words: "I'm fine. There's no need for this fuss." Lenny simply held her arm, as she sat up on to the bed, she assumed he felt like he was helping. Lenny watched her for a few moments, as if he was unsure about what to do.<p>

"Let me just make sure then." She nodded despite herself, she really just wanted to explain to Dylan and with toxic waste covering Resus, she didn't know when or how long it would take for them to be allowed out. "No pain?" She shook her head. "Nausea?" Again, she shook her head - realising that for the first time all day she was not fighting the urge to throw up. "How many weeks are you?"

"Fourteen." She hadn't realised how dry her mouth was until she tried to speak, her voice was hoarse, causing Lenny to look at her more intently.

"Sure you're okay?" She nodded, hoping that would be an end to the matter. When she felt Lenny sit down next to her, and wrap one arm around her, pulling her against his side, she realised that she was shaking - why she didn't know. She remained still and they sat there in silence, even when he brought his other arm around her and gently began rubbing her arm - it seemed as a method to relax her.

She pulled away after about five minutes, causing Lenny to look at her in alarm and moving quickly from the bed to stand in front of her, she felt strange - her skin warm to touch and her head seemed to spin. She heard Lenny saying her name, but despite knowing he was standing right in front of her holding both her arms in fear of her fainting, his voice sounded far away.

"I think I'm going to be sick." She moved her hand from her head to her mouth as Lenny handed her a grey card bowl, pulled the curtain closed around them and returned to her side, rubbing her back gently.

"Better?" He questioned her worriedly when her bout of sickness appeared to have subsided, as he took the bowl from her hands putting on the cabinet beside the bed. She nodded weakly, accepting his proffered tissue, with a small grateful smile. He moved from the bed, sticking his head around the blue curtain, seemingly trying to locate someone, before he began to speak "Scarlett, could you get Sam some water please, love?" She couldn't see the young nurses response but she could imagine her cheerful smile and enthusiastic stance.

The curtain opened a few moments later, and Scarlett stepped into the cubicle, handing her the plastic cup with a small sympathetic smile, she murmured a word of thanks, as the nurse made her way out of the cubicle, closing the curtain behind her.

"Have a lie down, I'll get Zoe to check on you in a bit, when she's allowed out…" Lenny's Scottish accent was less pronounced as he spoke quietly, she nodded slowly before resting her head gently against his shoulder. She felt her eyes closing, sleepily, as Lenny took her water from her and he pulled the blankets up from the mattress, giving her a moment to kick her shoes off and pull her legs up on to the bed and curl them under her, before he tucked the blue blanket around her. She felt herself drift into sleep, mere moments after she heard the curtain opening and then closing again.

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><p><strong>Hope you enjoyed, now that we're getting another tiny little step forwards with what Dylan knows, <strong>

**and until next Tuesday. **

**Anny. x.**


	8. Chapter 8

**To all those who have reviewed; Meggi, Callie, Baibe, MissGracieKathy, ficmouse, Megan W & MissRach989, thank you and I'm glad you enjoyed.**

**Now this chapter actually is starting to get somewhere in terms with the current plot circling my mind. **

**Oh, words in italics are flashbacks - and they make a brief return in this chapter.**

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><p>The curtain swished open noisily before being closed behind someone, causing her to wake from her slumber, she expected it to be Lenny or maybe Zoe - she didn't expect to be face to face with Dylan, who calmly sat on the edge of the bed and began to speak: "So, not food poisoning then?" He gave her enough time to shake her head briefly before he continued: "Is everything alright? Lenny said you'd been sick."<p>

"Fine." She whispered the word, guilt spreading through her body as she remembered the look of hurt which had crossed Dylan's face when he'd learned of her pregnancy. She closed her eyes trying to block out the memory.

She struggled to get herself into an upright position, and Dylan offered her a hand of assistance, so that they sat on opposite ends of the bed both at a loss at what to say. Eventually, Dylan opened his mouth but he promptly closed it again but within a few seconds he attempted words again: "So, you're having a baby?" She nodded her head, fighting the lump which was rapidly forming in her throat. "When?"

She hated that his question warranted an answer, one because she couldn't be certain he wouldn't work put two and two together and make four and secondly because she felt tears would accompany anything she tried to say: "September." She survived her short answer and decided to steer the conversation away from her, their, unborn child: "You and Zoe are getting on well?"

It was Dylan's turn to nod in response, barely looking at her as he did so. She remembered him telling an entire department full of people that they spent their marriage miserable, and it shouldn't really surprise her that he'd moved on - after all they'd been separated for long enough and perhaps it said more about her than it did him, in her failure to do so. "I'm glad you aren't miserable anymore." Maybe it was harsher than she intended but she was in a way - maybe she did just have to let him go.

He, seemingly, ignored her comment and asked a question of his own: "Do you want me to phone someone for you…" He trailed off, as he thought of how to word his question. "…this one's…" he paused to indicate her stomach. "… the father?" He closed his eyes and looked away briefly.

She shook her head, sadly, when he opened his eyes, before speaking: "No…" She paused briefly, when the curtain was pulled open to reveal Zoe who promptly closed it again, and the sound of her heels could be heard walking away. She dropped her gaze to her hands which were rested in her lap, and felt Dylan squeeze her hand before she continued: "No, I think he's moved on, it's just us now." She smiled weakly and he seemed to be at a loss about what to say. She remained silent as she felt his hand touch her stomach, too many emotions flooding through her body as he did so; this had been all she wanted, but it was far too late now, she could see that. They remained there for several minutes before he took his hand away, resting it on his knee, and she was sure that she had visibly shivered at the loss of contact.

It seemed like days had went by since either of them had spoken, in reality it couldn't have been more than ten or so minutes and it was nothing unusual they could speak a thousand words to each other without saying a single thing.

"Will you be okay?" His tone concerned, when he finally decided to speak. She, once again, could only nod. Her hand flew to her head as she was struck by a sharp pain to the left side, causing Dylan to look at her in alarm, a few steadying breaths later, she removed her hand. "Okay?" He blinked a few times and appeared to trying to get to the root of the problem.

He put his own hand on her forehead as she replied: "I don't know."

"You're boiling. Back in a minute." He shifted off the bed, and left the cubicle, giving her a moment to let her head fall back against the pillow.

Even with her eyes closed, she was aware of Dylan and Zoe in conversation, she cracked open her eyes slightly, and through the small space where Dylan hadn't closed the curtain fully, she could see them. His hand was reaching for something; but Zoe's stopped him, her other hand falling tenderly on his arm before she spoke: "I know, but you can't okay, Dylan, you can't. It's completely unethical."

"But…" He stopped, and she opened her eyes fully, moving herself to see them better, confused as to why Dylan could not come up with a valid argument. "She's my wife, Zoe, and she's on her own -"

As she glanced behind him she noticed that Lloyd, Scarlett and Linda all appeared to have stopped in their tracks to watch this exchange just as Zoe cut him off: "That is exactly why you can't!" He opened and closed his mouth few times, as they both stared at each other waiting on the other to back down.

Another sudden pain in her head stopped her looking at them, just as the curtain opened again and Lenny walked in speaking as he did as so: "They're out there arguing about who gets to treat you so -" He stopped talking as he looked at her properly for the first time, and crossed the cubicle in a quick stride, grabbing another card bowl as he did so, before continuing to speak: "Alright?" she shook her head and he pushed the bowl in front of her just as she was sick.

She let her head fall back onto the comfort of the pillow, as Lenny looked on in concern, she felt the coolness of his hand as it touched her forehead and she closed her eyes unable to keep them open any longer. "Sam?" Vaguely she heard her name, but she was enjoying drifting off to sleep so she made no attempt to open her eyes. Then Lenny's voice broke into her sleepy thoughts, in a more panicked tone: "No, Sam darling, keep your eyes open…" He trailed off, shaking her shoulder, forcing her to open her eyes. She tried to follow his gaze out of the cubicle but she couldn't see what he was looking at. "Zoe I need you in here!" She had no time to wonder why Lenny needed Zoe as she heard her heels hurrying closer.

"Okay, can you try to sit up?… Definitely a temperature… Can you get me a thermometer?… Was she sick again?" She was still struggling to sit up when Zoe continued with her list of requests, she became aware of Lenny leaving the cubicle and returning a few moments later with the thermometer and Linda, it would seen, she heard the nurse's strong accent: "What do you need?"

"Can you get bloods done, Linda? I want everything checked, tell the lab I want the results as soon as possible." She wasn't aware of the blonde nurse responding but she did feel Linda, moving her arm to take blood, too weak to do anything else she left them to poke and prod at her.

She felt Zoe shake her slight getting her to turn to face her "Sam, have you noticed a rash?" She shook her head mutely, fear beginning to course through her veins as she tried to take in the events of the past twenty or so minutes. Zoe seemed to accepted her answer, though she bit her lip briefly before turning back to her: "Do you mind if I check?" Once again, she shook her head, reaching up to wipe her eyes as she felt tears threatening to fall, as she felt Zoe rolling up the bottom of her top and trousers of her scrubs.

Once, they had all apparently satisfied themselves, she felt Zoe sit down on the side of her bed, taking one of her hands. Which prompted her to open her eyes and look at the consultant, who began to speak: "Not feeling too well, are you?" She shook her head weakly, wondering why she was asking as she felt that it was perfectly obvious. "I'm going to get you Dylan, to sit with you until we get results back, do you need anything?" She shook her head and attempted to smile as Zoe left her alone.

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><p>"How're you feeling?" She was staring at the side of the cubicle when Dylan slipped himself in, so when he spoke she was brought crashing down to reality.<p>

"Am I losing the baby?" She asked Dylan, because she hadn't been able to find the words to ask Zoe, she lay staring at him waiting on an answer, feeling her eyes tear up when he failed to give her one. He reached across the bed and brushed at the tear which had fallen down her cheek, before taking her hand in his.

"Zoe thinks it's some sort of infection… we'll know more later, Sam, just try to stay calm." She squeezed his hand, and pulled it up to her own cheek, letting her head roll to the side forcing him to moved further up the bed, to let her remain there, with both hands wrapped around his one, obviously providing her with some sort of comfort he didn't understand, in silence.

She recalled the time they were last even close to this position, bitterly, realising that mentioning it now, would provoke all sorts of thoughts, and those would lead to Dylan trying to do the right thing; and however much she wanted him back, she wasn't prepared to let him be miserable again, just to make her happy. She settled for her memories.

_She felt a tear roll down her cheek before it made contact with his chest, as she lay with her head on his chest his arms around her thin frame, and he was shocked from his silence of staring at the wall to return his attention to the sleepy Sam in his arms, he spoke quietly: "There wasn't anything else you could've done." As she took in his words all she could do was nod softly against his chest and then felt him tighten his grip around her as he pulled the quilt further around them. _

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><p>"And how are we in here?" Zoe pulled back the curtain as she entered the cubicle, she barely flinched at their position, talking calmly, reading from the paper in front of her as she did so: "Bloods are inconclusive Sam, so we're going to focus on bringing your temperature down; while they run some other tests. Dylan could you give me a minute?" She looked up at the mention of her name, biting her lip slightly, as Dylan moved his hand away from her and made to stand up. She considered reaching her hand out to him and telling him he was allowed to stay; but that was much too like he should be involved.<p>

"Do you want me to phone the baby's dad?" Zoe whispered the question to her, as though afraid Dylan might hear.

She shook her head in reply, but then expanded on her answer: "No. It's just me and this one now." She didn't miss the sympathetic look which Zoe had shot her way before, the older woman seemed to realise what she'd done and quickly looked back down at the chart which hung from the bed frame and picked it up in order to busy herself with reading from it.

"Okay? Feeling sick?" Zoe returned her attention from Sam's chart to the woman herself, when she glanced up to see her looking particularly dazed. She lifted the bowl which sat on the table at the foot of the bed, handing it to Sam, as she moved up the bed to sit next to her - pulling her now loose long hair from her face as the younger medic was sick. "There we go…" She took the bowl from her hands, and in return handed her a plastic cup of water and a tissue. Before she resumed in her earlier actions, lifted the thermometer placing it in her ear and noting the reading: "Your temperature is coming down, that's a good sign." She smiled at her as she left the cubicle again, thus allowing Dylan to return.

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><p>She wasn't sure how long she had waited with Dylan until Zoe had returned and once again sent Dylan away while she had delivered further results - the diagnosis: Parvovirus B19, had frightened her - only because of her pregnancy - fearful of the harm that it may cause her child. Zoe had been quick to reassure that the risk was small, and they would monitor her baby to remain on the safe side until they were sure that no harm had come to them.<p>

Shortly after this, the older medic had helped her manoeuvre herself into a more comfortable position, taken her temperature a final time and encouraged her to try and get some sleep. She hadn't quite realised just how tired she was until that moment, her worrying obviously destroying any remaining energy she had and she was certain that she'd been asleep before Zoe had even left the cubicle.

She felt a surprising warmth when she had woken to find Dylan by her bedside, his hand was holding hers, she turned her head silently to look at him unable to take her hand away from his. Then she noticed he was looking at his watch. "Meant to be somewhere?"

He physically jumped at her words, realising she was awake: "I was meant to be meeting Zoe for a drink."

"Go." Her voice was timid, half wondering whether she really was strong enough to let him go, he looked at her sceptically, before she reinforced her point: "Seriously, go, I'll be fine." Using the hand which he held in his she pushed at him, in order to motivate him into standing up.

"You sure?" He turned as he reached the curtain, pausing with this hand on it, watching her worriedly but she merely nodded before closing her eyes again. She wasn't even sure how she had managed to contain the tears until he left the cubicle, but she sobbed herself back into an unease sleep hugging a pillow to her chest.

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><p><strong>So, I do hope you enjoyed and I'll be back in a week. <strong>

**p.s. it probably should be noted that I relied on trusty google for any symptoms, so there may be small mistakes in there..**

**Anny x **


	9. Chapter 9

**There is a lot of lovely people to thank this week, however, if you reviewed the last chapter I mean you.. You are all concerned about the same thing though, and I'm awkward so this chapter will not make anything any clearer - I apologise, in advance. **

**Also, the ending made me write it - but it's going to come back up, so yeah… **

**Enjoy. **

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><p>She pushed open the door leading to reception, she hated taking time off work, but Zoe had insisted - probably because she shouldn't be there with the possibility of infecting people - though Zoe had stated that she had to recover. This had meant that she'd spent a week at home, flicking through endless catalogues trying to plan a nursery, and memories had taken her back years previous when she and Dylan had first considered them to be in a stable enough place in their lives to have a child she had never contemplated that she would have been completing this task alone - when she did finally fall pregnant. It was during one of the long days spent staring at prams she realised that her little rented flat, that she loved dearly, would be considered an unsuitable place to raise a baby when it came to pulling a pram up the stairs to her second floor home.<p>

While it had been the practicalities of raising her child that had sent her mind to the complexities of her relationship with the baby's father, she knew that she had no idea how she planned on resolving that issue. Fully aware that eventually she would be forced to tell Dylan the truth; or perhaps Dylan would eventually understand her September comment and at least consider the fact that he was possibly her unborn baby's father.

Her hand rested against her stomach, which she had noticed was becoming a much more instinctive action these days. She had often caught herself doing so, while she was off work, as though waiting on the first kick or sign of movement which she knew she would find as joyful as she would reassuring. She had reached reception when Noel had noticed that she was in the building, and he waved warming to her and she'd offered a small smile in return as she made her way to the staff room.

She closed her eyes before she entered the room, as though preparing herself, but as she pushed open the door she confronted immediately with Scarlett wrapping her arms around her and offering words of congratulations. The gesture of care was all too much, and she allowed her emotions to get the better of her as she felt her eyes fill up with tears. The young nurse had immediately released her, a look of worry coupled with guilt crossing across her face before she seemed to find the words to speak: "Oh, I'm sorry, did I hurt you?" Breathing deeply, she shook her head, before wiping at her eyes.

"No, no." She squeezed the nurse's hand, hoping to reassure her that while the sudden tears had everything to do with her actions, the act itself had caused her no harm.

As Scarlett hurriedly left the room in the moments that followed and before she had been able to look around the room properly, she felt a hand land on her shoulder gently - causing her to jump in alarm - and she spun her hand round to find Lenny looking mildly apologetic, before he began to speak, "Okay?"

She nodded briefly, before turning herself to see the Scottish doctor properly before offering him a more vocal answer: "Yeah."

"Listen, Dylan…" She raised her head slightly at the mention of her husbands name, before Lenny continued with his sentence, looking awkward: "…and Zoe." She nodded her head slightly, fully aware of where this conversation was going and while she appreciated the concern that he felt, when he deemed to appropriate to broach this particular subject with her, she had no intention of sticking with the topic of conversation for any length of time.

"I know. It's fine. Really." She brushed past him and headed for the kettle "Tea?" he nodded mutely, as he watched her busy herself with the kettle.

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><p>Zoe was rushing through the ED doors, still throwing her phone and car keys into her handbag as she did so, hoping that her slight lateness would not be noticed by anyone. Unfortunately, for her, Linda was in a the middle of questioning Noel about the list of patients waiting when she arrived. She had almost sighed in complete frustration as she'd seen the blonde nurse's head turn and survey her with barely contained amusement as she had began to speak "You're running a bit late." The blonde nurse raised her eyebrows before smiling knowingly and calling after her "What's his…" She stopped suddenly when Sam walked through the doors into the reception area, as though it all suddenly made sense in her head, and Zoe's eyes widened in alarm. The blonde doctor, however, never even flinched and continued towards the reception desk. She winced, before finishing her sentence quietly so only Noel could hear, "…name?"<p>

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><p>The shrill ringing of the phone caught Charlie's attention as he walked into cubicles; he sighed as he picked up the receiver - knowing almost instantly that before long a major incident would be declared, not ideal given that to the best of his knowledge they were still two consultants down. He hadn't seen Mr Jordan emerge from his office all morning, Lenny and Tom were nearby clearly in deep discussion and he was fairly certain that he didn't want to know what about. His head snapped, as he heard the doors from reception open, hoping that it would one or possibly both of the missing consultants - hopes which were somewhat dashed when he caught sight over Sam's blonde hair swinging as she walked towards cubicle five. "Great, thanks." After hearing the words that the ambulance control officer had to offer him, he simply hung the phone back on the hook and made his way towards Nick's office to inform him of the developments of the day.<p>

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><p>The announcement of the traffic accident had come at least an hour before, and since then everyone had been rushing round in a panic, as the patients just seemed to come pouring in. In fact Zoe was certain that there was no way that they had enough paramedics to bring them in at the speed they were arriving. However, her more pressing issue had been her concern about the location of accident, on a road which she had driven down only that morning. Somewhere in the depths of her mind she had concluded that Linda would be the best person to confide her fears in. "Linda." Zoe glanced at the oblivious blonde doctor who stood just feet away, when she beckoned Linda to follow her, stopping just outside the empty cubicle three.<p>

"What's wrong?" The blonde nurse was rattling her pen on her teeth, when she stopped to look at Zoe as though attempting to read her body language for any clues as to why she suddenly found it pertinent to begin what looked like it would be a serious conversation, in the mid-shift in the clearly busy ED.

"Dylan. That's the way he'd have driven here. At first, I thought it was me he was ignoring but…" Despite Linda asking her the question, it was also Linda who cut her off mid-explanation.

"What are you going to tell her?" Zoe blinked as Linda gestured somewhere over her shoulder and she assumed she meant Sam, before she attempt to speak - yet the nurse cut her off: "I don't mean about you and him, she's having somebody else's baby, she's moved on. I meant about the fact that her husband could be lying dead." Linda stopped and everything about her body language represented the seriousness of the situation.

Linda's words had startled her, not because she hadn't considered that an option but more because she had not expected someone else to state it so bluntly. However, she did understand where Linda's concern about sharing this news with the pregnant and slightly emotional, if recent weeks were anything to go by, Sam and despite whatever had happened that she was not privy to, it was evident that husband and wife still shared a strong bond.

"Well I'm not sure yet. Do I need to mention it?" For once the usual unflappable consultant, stood trying to work out what to do about the horrifying situation they could be facing.

"Maybe not, yet…" Linda began, but was immediately called away by Tess, she tried to offer a smile before she ran towards Resus, taking the time to call back over her shoulder as she did so: "But I'd do it before she finds out a much more difficult way."

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><p>She had entered Resus with the intention of pulling Sam to one side and actively discussing her concerns with her; however, the moment she'd opened the door she's heard the painful high pitched beep which had forced all thoughts of Dylan from her mind as she rushed to Sam's side for completely different reasons. She's been surprised at the short length of time it had taken them to resusicate the patient, giving his age and the injuries he had presented with. She noted that Sam had backed away from the patient the moment she had been certain that he could now be regarded as stable, and made her decision in that particular instant and decided that she probably had to reveal the truth now before it was too late.<p>

"Sam?" The blonde turned back to her, and seemed to sense the seriousness of the situation and walked back to her, she looked at her quizzically expecting her to continue. "You know Dylan uses that road?" She watched the blonde seem to struggle with her emotions for a moment; taking deep breaths, attempting to run her hand through her tied up hair, she resolved to put her hand to her mouth before nodding her head. "I can't get a hold of him, I just thought maybe... you might want to be prepared." She stopped talking and turned away from Dylan's stressed looking wife.

The blonde made no sign that she had even heard what Zoe had said, before she quickly left Resus, Zoe could see from the window of the door that the blonde was leaning heavily against the reception desk, causing Noel to stop and watch her with concern.

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><p>"Sam, sweetheart, have you got a minute?" She nodded slowly, and followed Dixie into the staff room, sitting down on the couch before letting her hand fall against her stomach - evidently the act was now becoming part of how she presented herself, and she wondered vaguely if was something inside her desperate to indicate to anyone that she was protecting her child.<p>

She looked up at the paramedic trying to determine what the look on her face was indicating: "Is something wrong?"

"I don't want you to panic, but I think you might need the warning, Jeff…" The blonde paramedic began, but then broke off, as right on cue Jeff walked into the staff room and began busying himself with pouring a glass of water.

She sat there blinking up at the paramedics, wondering why she was sitting there, in the end it was after Jeff crossed the room handing her the glass before she got an answer: "Zoe told you she couldn't get a hold of Dylan?" She nodded her head weakly, before Jeff continued: "His car, well it looks like his car…" He trailed off, looking up to his own wife for support and guidance on how to broach the issue.

"Is he dead?" The word caught in her throat, and she almost dropped the glass in her hand, until Dixie wrapped a hand around it and also hers squeezing it slightly. "Is that why he's not here?"

"We don't know anything, the firemen were going that way when we left…" Dixie stopped talking when she stood up handed Jeff the glass and left the room.

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><p>She found Zoe in CDU, checking on a patient admitted long before the multiple car pile up, still waiting on a transfer to Keller. As Zoe put the chart back on the bed, and walked to towards the small desk, she pushed open the door and stopped beside her.<p>

"Tell me you know it isn't him?" She spoke abruptly, trying to get the words out before she was overcome with the tears she knew were threatening to fall.

"I can't." When Zoe couldn't even look at her, she knew in her heart of hearts that she'd lost Dylan; one way or the other.

"You have to." She started, and stopped almost as quickly as she began when she felt Zoe place a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Because in my heart I know it's him. It's like the fire all over again. I knew the moment I got here the night of the fire that I'd lost him, I just didn't realise how." She let a few tears spill down her cheeks as she spoke, letting Zoe pull her into a hug, as she mumbled against her blouse, trying desperately to explain herself.

"Sorry?" The older medic's confused tone reached her and she forced herself to look up at her again.

Taking a deep breath, as she rested her head back down onto Zoe's shoulder, as the older woman began to run her fingers through the strands of hair which seemed to have escaped the band she had tied it in that morning. "You and him; I know about you and him, okay. I know Zoe. So, tell me it's not him." Zoe chose to remain silent, wrapping her arms tighter around her, as they both remained there, lost in their - probably not dissimilar - thoughts.

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><p>Some how she found her way back to the staff room, her vision clouded by unshed tears as she rested heavily against the wall next to the door, reluctant to enter the busy room. Linda left the room through the other door, and Lenny who had been with her quickly followed, through the door that were she was standing against. "Sam? You need to sit down, come on?" She heard Lenny's voice, before she felt herself being guided into the staff room, she knew she hadn't been much use to anyone since Zoe had revealed her concerns; in fact she'd been distracted every time the door opened, half hoping, half praying that it would be Dylan, in any condition as long as it meant he was alive.<p>

She let her head fall against his shoulder as they both sat down with one of her hands resting against his chest, and he wrapped an arm around her and the unshed tears began to slip steadily down her cheeks and she moved to rest her head against his chest, a move not missed by him because he slipped his other arm around her back and began to move the palm of his hand in a circular motion, obviously trying to provide her with some much needed comfort.

She had relaxed into the peaceful silence, even when the tears had long since stopped - taking some sort of comfort from the fact that someone was there holding her as she struggled through the difficult possibilities of how this day could end. Simply because she wasn't certain about how she would feel, if the last time she'd seen Dylan she had pushed him into the arms of another woman, almost with her blessing, and never told him that the child she was carrying was his too. Her mind was spinning with the situation, and in that moment, as she looked up at the concern written all over his face, she considered that tilting her head upwards slightly to allow her lips to capture his was a sensible course of action. Even when felt his hand slide to the back of her neck, when she moved her hand to his arm, leaving the other still rested delicately on his chest, she seemed to feel, for the briefest of moments, some comfort from the situation.

She pushed him away almost as soon as she had melted into him, feeling the unfamiliarity of his lips, huddling herself against the back of the sofa - letting her eyes find her hands now in her lap unable to look at him purely due to not knowing what to say and she could feel his eyes on her. She burst into tears, surprising them both, and let him take her hand in order to provide some understanding, or comfort, as her thin body convulsed with choked sobs.

"Sorry…" He started, uncertainly, but she shook her head stopping him, briefly: "…Sam, we shouldn't have." She shook her head, again, letting Lenny take one of her hands in his grateful for the comfort the simple act was providing.

He stopped trying to explain when the blonde woman began muttering softly under her breath "He can't be dead. He can't…" He took in her distressed state and opted to pull her back into his arms, encasing her delicately as he moved his hand across her back in what he hoped was a consoling fashion. He let his chin rest stop her head, when she seemed incapable of forming the sentence any further as she began to sob into the top of his scrubs.

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><p><strong>I do hope that you enjoyed, and don't want to hurt me too much for various reasons.. <strong>

**But same time next week, and until then, Anny x **


	10. Chapter 10

**Once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed! I apologise for being so horrible to Sam.. but I'm not quite finished with her yet, so I also apologise for the ending of this chapter. **

**However, I hope you enjoy. **

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><p>She stayed perfectly still hoping that, despite the presence of Lenny's arms around her - essentially holding her prisoner until he deemed her emotionally stable enough to move, she would be able to open her eyes and the entire morning would have been a bad dream - everything about it. She knew that if anything happened to Dylan, she would never forgive herself for not so much lying but perhaps being economically with the truth nor would she forgive herself for what had just happened.<p>

While she couldn't quite bring herself to leave the warmth of Lenny's embrace, she sincerely hoped that he would understand why she was reluctant to move from the gentle, comfortable position where he had rocked her back and forth ever so slightly in a logical attempt to soothe her fears.

It was when they had entered a complete silence that she allowed herself to attempt to justify her earlier actions - ever since Zoe had forced her thoughts to Dylan and since Jeff and Dixie had frightened her further she had been unable to feel anything other than loss. She had desperately wanted to feel, when she had turned her attentions to Lenny - she didn't care what she felt, she was willing to accept any other emotion. Initially, she had felt the comfort, but when she realised just how unfamiliar everything about Lenny was and just how much he was not her husband, it was guilt that had seeped into her body and it was that guilt which had made her push him away. She reflected that she didn't think the guilt would ever go away if she never saw Dylan alive again and while she didn't believe she would ever be able to justify her actions - even to herself; she was coming to terms with why she had acted the way she had, now holding the belief that she had been completely aware of what she was doing and perhaps if she felt the guilt that would inevitably come then she would know that she was still able to feel.

Lenny's voice broke into her silent refuge a few moments later: "Are you okay?" She nodded, just once, her head still resting against his chest as she did so.

"It's him, isn't it?" She glanced up at the Scottish doctor, trying to establish what she was feeling towards him with the knowledge that he had remained with her despite what had happened between them and how awfully she'd reacted to the entire incident.

"You don't know that…" He trailed off, when he noted that she looked like she wanted to say something.

Keeping his gaze focussed on her, he waited until she felt ready to speak, not expecting what she was going to say: "I'm having his baby."

"Sam?" His tone questioning as he waited for her to expand, which she didn't. "Why have you let him think he wasn't the father?" He pushed her away from his thus forcing her to sit upright so he could look at her properly. He could see the fear that had appeared on her face from the moment that she had opened her mouth to reveal the, much speculated, identity of her child's father as she chewed at her lower lip nervously, as though trying to find the best away to explain her actions.

"Because…" She began and then stopped, hearing the doors at reception crash open again, and she rushed out of the staff room, hopeful, only to be confronted by further heartbreak as yet another unfamiliar patient was pushed by her.

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><p>He was still trying to take in Sam's words when he spotted Zoe, which brought with it a whole set of other issues, hastily he scanned the room, in search of a particularly chatty blonde nurse. He found her talking in a hushed whisper with Tom outside Resus. After much debate, he decided he had no time for formalities and quickly, pulled at Linda's arm, as she whispered into her hair: "Small problem…"<p>

"Excuse me?" She turned to look at quizzically, so quickly, that he wasn't certain she was talking about his words or his actions, or both.

"Not here. Staff room, five minutes." With that he departed almost as quickly as he had arrived, leaving her to make her excuses to Tom and hurry after him.

"What? What's so important?" She rushed the words out the moment that she closed the door tightly behind herself, rested her back against it, staring at Lenny as her paced back and forth in front of the sink.

"I was talking to Sam earlier…" He felt himself beginning to speak, unsure of how he was going to word this, and why he had chosen Linda to help him decide what to do with the news.

Her strong accent sounded loudly, as she cut him off: "You looked like you were doing a lot more than talking to her!" She closed her eyes the moment she had said the words, having not originally being planning on revealing that she had witnessed that particular encounter - not until she had much more information on the subject.

He jumped back in alarm, rubbing a hand over his face, as he recalled his earlier intimate encounter with Sam: "You seen that? God, Linda, who have you told?" He closed his eyes tightly as he remembered the look of complete guilt on her face as she pulled away from him.

"No one. Are you the father of her baby, is that why it's all such a secret?" With her arms folded across her chest, the nurse began to speak again, throwing out more unfounded allegations as she did so.

"No. That…" He found himself having to stop her, purely because he'd yet to tell her what he had actually needed her for and also because he could do without people finding out. He paused briefly as he thought about what so say: "…that hasn't happened before. Anyway…" He didn't have the time to debate the ins and outs of what happened between Sam and himself with Linda, so calmly and subtly he tried to steer them back on track.

She cut him off, and approached the issue of why they were in the staff room having a hushed conversation: "Oh, yeah, you had something to say?"

Still unsure about whether or not he should be revealing Sam's secret; he wasn't even sure he would get the words out, but he managed to force out one word, he hoped that would explain the situation: "Dylan."

She blinked in confusion at his one word explanation, before she said "Sorry?"

"He's the father of the baby." He regretted it the moment he said it, as he watched take a few deep breaths, as she tried to process the information before she crossed the room and sat down on the sofa, putting her head into her hands.

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><p>She had been walking aimlessly around the department, determined to find a patient she could attend to, but whenever she got close to someone Tess or Charlie had immediately assigned a nurse to the case and waved her away.<p>

She had wanted to refrain from sounding like she was sulking but when Tess approached her just twenty minutes later that was actually what it sounded like. "Let me help." She bit her lips nervously, as she watched the senior nurse smile, and reach out to touch her arm.

"We're fine, why don't you take a break?" She pulled her arm away, unable to take the sympathy and the pitying look Tess wore across her face as she spoke to her. While she was considering what to do next, she heard the older woman speak again: "Let's just go and have a little seat." She couldn't place why Tess speaking so cautiously, until she realised that the only reason she was still steady on her feet was because she was gripping Tess' arms so tightly her knuckles were white. She blinked, trying to remember feeling unsteady enough to reach out like that.

She felt herself being guided away, back into the staff room - as Lenny and Linda exited it, she sunk into the sofa instinctively taking a cushion and hugging it to herself. She was vaguely aware of Tess' presence but she was unaware of what the nurse was doing until she placed a plate with a slice of toast in front of her. Before she sat down at her side, brushing the strands of hair which had fallen into her face from her eyes. "Do you think you could eat that?" She vaguely heard Tess' words but was completely aware that she was already feeling nauseous by the horrific turn of events since she left her house that morning and highly suspected that eating would not help matters.

It was when she let her eyes flutter shut - not because she was particularly tired, but purely to try and block out the morning she had had - she realised that the older woman had not moved her hand from her cheek yet and was still sitting expectantly waiting on some form of response. She shook her head meekly hoping that she was providing an adequate answer. Tess was still watching her doubtfully when she opened her eyes and hugged the cushion she was cradling closer to her chest.

"Why do you try and have a little sleep?" When Tess said the words she knew that on any other day she would without a doubt refuse such an offer, but today she simply wanted to not have to think about how injured Dylan could possibly be, that was if he was even still alive. She bit her bottom lip as she nodded her head, letting Tess move and crouch down to her level as she swung her legs up onto the sofa and rested her head against the arm of the sofa. The older woman one once again, brushed her hair from her eyes and murmured something about being around if she needed her, before she was transported a much more peaceful place.

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><p>He noticed she was sitting alone, well more curled up on the sofa in the staff room, when he walked by. When he'd inquired about the blonde doctor about an hour before, Tess had informed him that she managed to get her to agree to attempt sleep some time previously and had been happy to report that the doctor was, for the time being, asleep in the staff room. His eyes flickered around the department searching for a better person than himself to send in and reassure him that the young doctor was alright. When he realised that everyone seemed tied up, he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, as though preparing himself to find her in a distressed state.<p>

He never meant the door to make so much of a noise as he opened it - yet the blonde woman never moved from her position - he couldn't understand the connection he felt to her, it was as if she reminded him of someone; someone who, as yet, he was unable to place. When he sat down next to her, he extended an arm to rub her back soothingly, he considered it a positive sign when she didn't flinch. He gently returned her attempt to smile, he took in her papery white complexion, sad eyes and shaking frame and recalled her looking almost similar to this during the terrifying incident when he believed that he'd never see Zoe again; obviously, she had believed that she had lost her husband, in those moments as well.

She sat upright suddenly, bowing her head slightly, her body still shivering as she took unsteady, shaky breaths and he felt powerless; he may not have been able to work out how to help her, but unlike last time, he was determined to do something. He crossed the room for a moment to pour a glass of water, before returning to her and letting her fall back into the same position before handing her the glass. She sat there, her hand clutching the glass as though her life depended on, though she was lost in a world of her own staring into space.

"Talk to me Sam?" He tried tentatively, as he sat down next to her, again, when he seen that the medic was making no effort to leave her own little world, let alone speak, he began to speak again: "I know you're frightened and worried, but we just need to know you're going to be okay?" He stopped speaking when he seen her nod her head slightly, her hands still trembling as she tried to put the glass to her lips. He raised his own hand to support the glass more as she sipped at the water, grateful she hadn't attempted to prevent his actions when she let her own hands fall from the glass leaving it firmly in his hands.

"I feel sick." Her voice was shaky and timid when she spoke, she closed her eyes and allowed herself to curl up as he shifted to make himself more comfortable, sensing he was here for the long haul.

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><p>She'd been watching the staff room, on and off all afternoon - she had seen Nick enter and had noted that he had spent a while in there; she closed her briefly and wondered when they'd know if Dylan was involved and if they hadn't brought him in yet was that because he was dead or because he was uninjured. While her mind was focusing on the internal debate, she did not miss Sam suddenly standing up - her face looking pale and stunned even through the glass - and beginning to pace the room. She noted on her way to cubicle three, now the x-rays were back, that Nick was standing himself determined to get her to sit down.<p>

She passed the job onto Lenny with only the words "cubicle three" for explanation, before striding towards the staff room purposefully and opening the door stepping inside; as she did so, Nick, himself, got up and leave - squeezing Sam's shoulder was the only indication that he gave to either of them that he was planning on leaving.

"Can I sit down?" She walked towards the worried looking younger woman, who seemed incapable of words and she had nodded in reply. As she took her seat next to her, she could see her watching from the corner of her eye, and sensed that she could be in for a long wait before she got any kind of conversation from her.

She watched as the blonde curled herself up, taking a pillow from behind her to hug tightly, as she did so. It was then in relative silence, which was only broken by the blonde's occasional sniffles, that Sam uttered the first words she had heard from her since she particularly ran away from CDU and essentially her - much earlier in the day, "Were you with him last night?" She hadn't expected the question to be so direct, and she considered lying - half wondering if it would spare the younger woman's feelings - instead she found herself nodding. In usual circumstances she felt she'd be confused by Sam's lack of remark, but she did appreciate that these weren't normal circumstances. However, she was pulled from her considerations by a very small voice, she would never believed Sam could've had: "Was it going on when I was in Afghanistan?" She blinked, once then twice and then again.

As she sat trying to process the question, she realised that her reluctance to answer, could be portrayed as avoiding the question. "No." She shook her head and watched as Sam's only reaction was to hug the pillow closer to her, suddenly looking much younger than her twenty-six years. She closed her eyes, mind roaming to the fact that she had no idea when the couple had separated, and as she opened her eyes again and allowed them to flicker over the distressed medic she considered the possibility that the couple hadn't even been in the same country when their separation had occurred. Deciding that this was a conversation for another day, she allowed herself to lean back into the sofa and remain with Dylan's wife- his estranged wife, in silence as they waited on news.

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><p>When Dixie knocked the staff room door, Jeff by her side, she'd seen Sam tense and pull herself into an upright position. Her eyes were red and puffy and her face looked raw from the combination of tears which had poured down her cheeks and the frantic rubbing of her cheeks she'd been doing, it had seemed in a vain attempt to prevent the same tears from being noticed. Though when she went to the door, she followed her, and watched as the younger woman tried to escape the department.<p>

As she surveyed the department she noted that everyone looked exhausted, herself, no exception though her thoughts were interrupted by the sight of Jeff trying to grab hold of a frantic looking Sam to keep in the one place until he spoke her. "Princess, princess, come here." Eventually, she relented and she could see that Jeff was talking quietly. Despite being unable to hear his words, she noted all the same the way the fight seemed to flow from Sam's body, as her legs seemed to give away and Jeff pulled her against him. She watched as the blonde doctor, remained there, letting herself be comforted as her body shook with tears, and grief, and Jeff continued to murmur words into her ear. She felt her own eyes fill with tears when she caught sight of Dixie looking on, sadly, before she moved to rub Sam's back gently.

"Zoe…" Hastily, she wiped a hand over her face, though upon realising it was Linda who was trying to gain her attention, she waved to her indicating Sam and Jeff, who had yet to move.

"Is he…?" The nurse trailed off, seemingly unsure how to word her question.

"I don't know. Did you want something?" She returned her attention to Linda, who now appeared a little less sure of herself.

"Erm, yeah, I think I need to tell you something." She indicated the empty staff room as she stopped talking, before walking there leaving Zoe to follow her.

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><p><strong>It just seemed like quite a good place to leave it.. <strong>

**so yeah, same time and place next Tuesday. **

**Anny x**


	11. Chapter 11

**This has actually gotten a lot more attention than I had ever anticipated, so huge thanks to everyone who has being reviewing and alerting - you've made this horrible essay writing time just a little bit brighter. **

**So I've actually managed to do something most of you have been waiting for in this chapter...**

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><p>She followed Linda from the desk and towards the staff room, wondering what could possibly have been so important. Once the blonde had closed the staff room door, leaning against it so no one else could get in, she became aware of Lenny presence in the room - which just left her feeling even more confused.<p>

"Um…" The Scouse woman seemed unable to get the words out, which was out of character, but eventually she began "Lenny was talking to Sam…" She broke off again, as though she was attempting to tell her something really horrific. "I don't know how to say this actually, I really don't know how to do it kindly. Zoe…" She frowned as she looked from Lenny to Linda, unsure about be causing them so much distress to say aloud.

"Dylan's the father of Sam's baby." She blinked a few times, and turned quickly to face Lenny - who apparently had decided that honesty was in fact the best policy either that or he had just really want to get the truth into the open, so he could escape from the awkward situation.

As she took in the words she contemplated that she probably should be more shocked by Lenny's announcement. However, there was something about the situation that seemed like it was always going to happen and she then stood quickly and with intentions of convincing Sam and Dylan to sit down and talk about the situation she left a bewildered Lenny and Linda in the staff room as she closed the door behind herself.

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><p>She'd found it almost impossible to move from the comfort of Jeff's arms, even when her tears had subsided and she found herself, staring in silence at the doors which would take her back to reception - with the comfort of Jeff's touch as she waited. The information which Jeff had managed to relay to her indicated that Dylan would more than likely be one of the next few people through the main doors to the hospital.<p>

When the doors were pushed open again, revealing paramedics and patient - she was able to find the strength to pull herself from Jeff's grip and she'd pushed the door leading out to reception, though she had paused momentarily and considered turning and rushing straight back into the comfort of Jeff's arms. It had taken a few calming breaths and Dixie coming to lay her hand on her shoulder, before she'd been able to push the door open and the moment she had seen him she had rushed across reception. It had taken a while but eventually she'd been able to determine that the blood which had covered Dylan's clothes was not his own, and even though she knew how uncomfortable that she was probably making him feel, she'd felt relief flood through her entire body as cried softly against his chest, before she found the courage to speak from somewhere, "I thought you were dead. I was so sure I'd lost you."

Her voice was quiet, though her words were rushed and frantic, and she wasn't even aware that she'd spoken until he replied: "Now, you know how I felt - every time the phone rang." Perhaps he hadn't intended his voice to be so harsh; but she stepped back as though slapped and turned around blinking back furious tears as she saw Zoe approaching them from the corner of her eye.

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><p>It took all the courage she had to walk up to Dylan, the man she'd been worried about all day - though she felt it should be noted that Sam had been just as terrified, if not more so, and after that little announcement from Lenny she understood why. He tried to smile at her, and she noticed Sam walking away while Lenny was rushing to catch up with her, however, even she was approaching him and she felt time was slowing doing, she suddenly became aware of how busy the E.D. was. She briefly thought that the conversation should wait for another time, but then after all that Sam had been through this day alone, and with the added complications of her own relationship with Dylan she did feel that she owed his fragile wife this at least.<p>

"You're okay then?" He nodded once, and really she shouldn't have expected anything less, but she carried on speaking - hoping to get what she had to say over and done with so she could walk away from the situation: "I think you and Sam need to sit down and talk." She looked up at him as confusion crossed his face. "Just find her, Dylan, and ask her about the baby." She kept both eyes firmly on him as she spoke hoping that she may see a flicker of something that would allow her to believe he would act on request. Despite his obvious confusion, and clear discomfort about the situation, he nodded.

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><p>She walked away as quickly as she could, unaware that Lenny was on her heels, until he closed the staff room door, not her, and stood in front of her waiting on her reaction. A lone tear rolled down her cheek as she let herself fall into the sofa where she'd spent the majority of her shift, and he moved to wipe it away and settle down next to her. It seemed as though all the barriers she forced up around herself came crashing down as she dissolved into tears, looking much younger than her years and instantly appearing a lot more vulnerable than she'd like anyone to believe. She began to speak softly, tuning to look at him as she did so: "About before…" She began quietly, as if hoping he'd understand, and took him nodding his head as a sign to continue, "It was me. I shouldn't have, I don't know why I did, I was just - I'm sorry." She broke off but he took her hand and shook his head softly.<p>

"It's fine. I know, I should've stopped you." He replied almost as quietly, and he considered telling her that Linda had seen them for a moment - but then decided that she probably couldn't have dealt with that particular bombshell at the moment. So he quickly changed topics: "You never told me?"

"Sorry?" She look up at him the confusion she felt etched across her face.

"Why you're letting Dylan think this isn't his baby." He rested a hand on her back, hopeful that it would provide her with the support she needed to be honest about why she had been deceiving Dylan for the past week.

"Because he's happy now. I never made him happy." He was certain he watched her heart break, the devastation present on her face as she spoke. It took all the strength he had not to wrap her up in his arms, at this moment, but he wasn't a hundred percent sure just how keen she'd be on the idea.

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><p>Even the way he entered the room was harsher than he had intended; he watched as Lenny physically jumped from his seat next to Sam and left the room hurriedly. His wife, however, never flinched and even from the distance he could see the stream of uncharacteristic tears making their way down her face, slowly. "Zoe said we have to talk." He closed his eyes briefly and pushed the door closed behind him as he moved to her side.<p>

They sat staring ahead, despite being seated next to each other, it could have been assumed they didn't even know that the other was there. "About what?" Her voice was small, as she tried to process the fact that it was Zoe, who had finally made Dylan understand that sometimes you have to talk things through. She rubbed a hand across her face, preparing herself for a conversation that she felt could spell the end of her marriage - officially anyway, her marriage long since ended.

Eventually, purely due to this lack of response, she found herself turning to face him - for one of the first times in her life she found herself unable to read him. Resisting the urge to reach out and touch his cheek, she willed him to reply, if only so she knew what Zoe had deemed so important for them to discuss.

"Baby." She blinked in confusion, when he eventually found his voice, uttering a mere word. She couldn't think of anything to say in response as she remained looking at him, she was fairly certain that her confusion was evident. "The baby. Your baby, she said I'd to ask you about the baby." His expansion, done nothing to ease her confusion.

"What about it?" She felt sick, as she recalled emotionally revealing the truth to Lenny in the heat of the moment, when she really had been terrified about her husbands safety. She couldn't be certain he hadn't told Zoe - then she couldn't be certain that he had either.

"You tell me." He snapped, his voice was cold and bitter, and it was the reason for the feelings of guilt that were flooding through her body. He had found out a week ago, and she had very almost told him then, but that drink with Zoe - that was what had changed everything. The fact that he seemed to be able to move on, and if she dropped this bombshell on him, she'd be the one clinging on to him, trapping him. Perhaps he would believe that she had done it on purpose, so he couldn't leave her. "Sam?" She snapped from her thoughts, hearing his worried tone saying her name, realising how long she'd been lost in them.

"I'm fifteen weeks." She closed her eyes the minute she said it, not even aware if she had paused between words, unable to look at him in fear of rejection. She felt his hand on her back, and she vaguely wondered what he was doing then curiosity got the better of her and she opened her eyes to greeted with Dylan staring at her intently, confusion, or possibly disbelief, etched all over his face. She swallowed before she attempted to speak, unsure what was prompting her to reveal her biggest secret for the second time that day "That night, me and you." She paused hoping that he would give some indication that he knew what she was talking about, the relief when he nodded slightly yet his facial expression indicated how stunned he felt by her words, was what spurred her on with her revelation; she couldn't take the cryptic clues and half explanations any more and simply revealed the truth: "We're having a baby, Dylan." He continued to stare at her, making no sign that he had even heard her words.

She wasn't even sure devastation was the correct word for the emotion that flooded through her at that particular moment, that had been her worst nightmare - that he would reject the idea. The irony of the reality that they were now is, would have been laughable if she were not so upset. For years, they had tried to have a child, to start a family, and now after one evening - for comfort she'd told him - they were finally getting that. Images of the night were flashing through her mind and she wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and cry, until the rejection didn't hurt anymore.

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><p>She had taken her refuge in the Peace Garden, purely because she could smoke there, she was aware of someone walking up next to her but she never moved to identify who the person was. It was the distinct accent that gave it away: "What did you say to him?"<p>

"That they had to talk; that he had to ask her about the baby…" She trailed off, wondering not for the first time, how she had managed to get herself involved in something so complicated. She looked up at Linda, and watched her nod slowly as if she agreed with her course of action.

"And you're alright with that?" The blonde sat down next to her, taking the cigarette she offered as she did so.

"Yeah, yeah…" She paused to take a draw from the cigarette and nodded her head once, swiftly, before continuing "He needs to know though doesn't he?" The blonde could only nod. "Why hasn't she told him?" She turned to directly face Linda as she spoke.

"You." She'd never heard the nurse speak so quietly before, in fact, if she hadn't seen her lips move she'd probably not even have been sure Linda had even spoken.

She shook her at the absurdity of the situation, muttering under her breathe: "Fabulous." She sighed, her mind drifting to the conversation, she hoped was occurring in the staff room - maybe just for the sake of the sanity of the rest of department.

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><p>He hadn't spoken since she'd revealed the truth, he hadn't even looked at her, he was just standing staring at the dripping tap - which was starting to really get on her nerves. "Say something please Dylan?" Despite the fact that her voice was quiet, she still wasn't certain in slightest where she had found it from. She had been feeling sicker and sicker with every moment that ticked by, his lack of response now, caused the tears she had managed to halt to fall again.<p>

She heard the door slam behind him, as he stormed out of the room, obviously angry about her handling of the situation. She allowed herself to sink further into the sofa, as the first time since she'd learned of Dylan's presence at the car crash she paid attention to her unborn child. She moved her hands over her stomach, which definitely used to be a little flatter than it was now and rested them there. As her mind drifted back to the horrors of the previous week, but then that one moment where Dylan had rested his hand on her stomach and everything had felt perfect and just so natural.

She had risen from her seat and pulled open the door to staff room, a sense of wooziness descending over her as she felt a pain tug at her heart that she had never felt before, and suddenly found that she had the overwhelming need to escape from the hospital and get herself into the cold air. However, all too soon, a sensation she couldn't quite describe had overcome her and she'd stumbled into the ladies toilets unable to determine whether she want to throw up or pass out. She'd noticed Linda standing reapplying her make-up - with the obvious intention of going out at the end of her shift - but chose to ignore her, as she moved to lean over the sink beside her, turning on the cold tap and letting the water run.

Linda glanced over at the younger woman and quickly put her mascara back in her bag and moved to stand behind her fearing that she'd keel over if her pale complexion was anything to go by. Feeling that it was the safest of a bad set of options, she gently moved Sam hoping that she'd understand that everything would be much better if they were on the floor. It didn't take as long as she thought it would've but within a few minutes she had Sam sitting with her back against the sink unit, "Alright?" Sam pursed her lips slightly and shook her head softly, though she appeared cease that motion when she realised that it was a mistake, and she ended up muttering softly, "I don't feel very well…" Linda looked up at her in time to see her interest in her surrounds gradually diminishing moving her arms just in time to support the young woman as her eyes closed and she slumped to the side, cautiously she placed her onto the floor, hoping that help would not be far away. She stood quickly and headed towards the door, grateful that when she pushed it open she caught Lenny and Tom mid-conversation: "Lenny, it's Sam…" She disappeared as quickly as she'd appeared and returned to Sam.

She heard the door being pushed open in a rush only seconds later, as both doctors entered, throwing questions at her: "What happened Linda? Did she hit her head?" She shook her head frantically and stepped out of the way as she heard Tom beginning to try to speak to Sam. She took that moment to go and find Big Mac to get a trolley.

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><p>Having been assured by Lenny that Sam was now okay, and that her light headedness was probably due to not having eaten all day, she quietly excused herself to pulled open the curtain and allowed her eyes to search the room in an attempt to locate Dylan, despite Sam's protests. Her actions however seemed to catch Tom's eye and he turned to look at her questioningly. "Have you seen Dylan?" Tom shook his head in response to her question, and the nurse sighed miserably and returned to Sam.<p>

The blonde woman had turned on the bed, where they had essentially trapped her until they were satisfied, before she spoke, more to Lenny: "I just fainted and I feel fine now, can I not just go home?"

He turned to look at Linda before he answered her question seeming reluctant to allow her to escape medical attention, "Will you be alright on your own?"

She had stared pointedly at the curtain upon hearing his question and had all but whispered her response, "Of course." She paused for the briefest of moments before continuing, defeat and rejection evident in her voice as she brushed at a stray tear, "I'm going to need to be now aren't I?"

"If you let me drop you off, make sure you at least get in the front door?" She seemed to accept defeat and nodded her head softly, before forcing herself into an upright position and quickly heading back towards the staff room to prepare herself for going home.

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><p>"Did you know?" He had thrown the question at her the moment he stepped outside, into the sanctuary of the Peace Garden, which had as it turns became a place where Zoe could often be found, smoking usually. "How long was she actually going to keep the lie going? Until the baby was born? Until they started school? Was she even, ever going to tell me?" He paused momentarily for breath, but his persistent questions and ramblings about the situation, gave her no time to respond. "Why does she even think she had the right to hide that from me? I mean I have every right…" The brunette blinked in confusion, as somewhere between disposing of her previous cigarette and lighting the one now in her hand realised that the ranting man had wandered off mid-sentence, presumably - well more hopefully - he was planning on attempting another conversation with his wife about the situation. She sighed, pulling the fleece she'd grabbed on her way out of the department tighter around herself, as she settling down into the bench just as the cold night air was beginning to sting.<p>

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><p><strong>So Dylan now knows, but he's fairly confused about how he feels, bless him.. <strong>

**however, he might have worked that out by next Tuesday so I shall see you then, **

**Anny x **


	12. Chapter 12

**So, once again, thanks to all those who have read and reviewed last week's chapter, alerted and/or favourited the story. **

**I feel a few of you may be pleasantly surprised by the content of this week's chapter. So I hope that you enjoy! **

**P.S. Note to Callie: Please don't read this while crossing the road. **

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><p>She'd been ignoring the loud banging on her door for well over ten minutes; she'd been sitting in the darkness letting all tears and emotions from the day pour from her, wishing she had just kept her secret, since the moment Lenny had left her with the promise that she'd have dinner - which she had yet to make. Eventually, she moved, purely because she felt her neighbours would soon be joining her visitor outside her door to complain about the noise. She hastily put the small card she'd been holding onto down on the coffee table and grabbed the throw that lay across her sofa, wrapping it around herself, as she walked towards the door, fully aware that she really wasn't feeling up to visitors.<p>

She was pulling the door open when she realised how awful she must look; how red and puffy her eyes must look, and she made some attempt at rubbing them, for all the good it would do, before she looked at who was so determined to see her. Dylan. She turned on her heel, sharply, and retreated back down the hall to her seat in living room assuming that he'd follow.

She had put her mug to her lips in order to have something to do and had winced at the taste of her cold tea; as he walked into the room, sitting down opposite her, the table becoming a barrier between them. "Tell me you didn't think it was a mistake?" She wasn't entirely sure why she asked, because she truly wasn't certain that she'd want to hear the answer. She put her mug down onto the coffee table with much more force than originally planned, and startled herself as much as she had Dylan. She looked up meeting her husband's gaze, "Go on then?" She forced the words out between teeth clenched in anger and the overwhelming urge to cry. She took the fact that he appeared to have taken up a vow of silence as an affirmative answer and raised from her seat swiftly, brushing at the now rapidly falling tears, as she made her way into the kitchen to put the kettle on to boil.

She's been standing in the kitchen, facing the wall, determined to compose herself before she had to return to her sitting room and face him again, with the knowledge that he appeared to have made his decision where she stood - somewhere in the depths of her heart she had always believed that once Dylan knew the child she was expecting was his own flesh and blood he'd at least have some degree of concern and interest in the child. "I can't." She'd been completing lost in her own thoughts when Dylan had strolled into her kitchen and somehow found it within himself to have the decency to at least answer her question.

Even when she heard the words she had been expecting she still found them hard to bear - she gripped the work surface, as she heard the kettle click off indicating that it had in fact boiled, unable to deal with anything as simplistic as making tea when she felt so low and rejected. Admittedly, she had been the one to do all the running, on the night in question, in fact she recalled Dylan had halted proceedings on more than one occasion before she had been able to convince him that she was of sound mind - after which he'd been a more than willing participant. Both alcohol and the horrendous two days she had experienced had clouded her mind and had quite clearly impaired the logical part of her brain which really should've been screaming at her, when she threw herself at her own husband, outside a dimly lit pub not a stones throw from the hospital.

When she realised that he was in fact still standing behind her, she considered that she might have to say something, though she wasn't certain that she would be able to articulate the words that he would be expecting to hear. She opened the cupboard door and pulled two mugs from it before she began to speak, "Do you know how low I felt that night?" She rubbed a hand across her eyes when she became that she was still crying slowly, "I'd had about three hours sleep, I'd had an awful day Dylan." She turned slowly to face him, unable to find the strength to wipe at the tears once again, "I wasn't miserable. You had never made me feel miserable until that day." She placed a hand over her eyes as her body shook with sobs before she turned around again, bringing one hand to rest on the worktop and support her against it. "Then Jon died and I just felt so awful and useless…" She trailed off realising that she was approaching territory where she might have to explain that it was in fact the death of the fireman which had led to her becoming desperate to seek comfort in her husband's arms. "I just wanted to feel something that wasn't that." Even as she said the words her mind was overcome with the memories of Dylan pulling away from her kiss outside the pub; Dylan pushing her away when they'd reached his houseboat; then lying with her head on his chest crying silently about the one patient that she'd wanted to save but couldn't.

She wasn't even certain why she felt so angry at her husband when she finally turned to face him; his face the picture of calm, much like it always was. She was well aware that she must look awful with her hair hastily shoved up out of her face, and her cheeks must've been a blotchy red from the tears had she had shed over the course of the night. "You could've stopped it. You never. So you can't even attempt to solely blame me for this situation." She had noted the look of confusion and hurt which had crossed as face as she continued to ramble words at him, fully aware her tone was harsh. She was fuelled on by the hurt of his rejection when she'd all but spat out her final sentence: "I'm not even asking you to be involved!" She had paused then, waiting on a reaction, realising the enormity of what she had said and the possibility that she would find out in the next few minutes whether or not she would be able to bring up the baby she was carrying with the ability to let them see their father.

She moved quickly, to position herself against the fridge purely because she need to something to lean on; her head was spinning, she felt horribly sick and she was well aware that Dylan had no comment since she'd came so close to asking whether he wanted to be a part of his child's life. She stood there with her eyes closed, taking deep, calming breaths trying to prevent the urge to throw up when she finally heard Dylan speak: "Do you want me to be?" She had covered her mouth with the back of her hand and opened her eyes quickly as she tried to understand her feelings towards the particular question. She didn't know what he had wanted her to say and in fact she hadn't actually considered anything to do with Dylan's involvement before she had all but screamed it at him less than ten minutes ago. Yet when she finally found the words she wanted to say, her voice was small, and she was beginning to feel overwhelmed with nausea: "I'm scared."

He never responded, verbally, however he stepped closer to her to gently pulled her against his chest and as she felt the tears beginning to fall down her face once again, she took comfort from the fact that someone was holding her. She was aware that she felt much less self-conscious with her face buried in Dylan's chest, she wasn't even aware that she was afraid until she'd said it aloud. "What if I can't do it? What if I'm really awful?"

She had felt his arms tighten around her as she wept into his shirt, probably soaking the material, she pulled away nervously unsure of how he'd react now that she seemed less emotional. "Do you want me to be involved?" She hadn't expected to suddenly be handed the casting vote on whether or not Dylan would be actively involved in both her child and her own life, for the next however many years. Her head had begun to spin at a frightening speed and she'd rushed of in the direction of the bathroom before she could answer the question.

It was when she was sitting in front of the toilet her bout of sickness seemingly subsided that she realised Dylan had joined her on the bathroom floor. "Have you been sick like this the entire time?" She nodded her head weakly fearful of setting off another wave of nausea. While her sickness had seemed to take pity on her and subside for a few weeks it had returned with a vengeance the previous week and she had since been unable to shake it. She was surprised at the directness of Dylan's topic of conversation, when he suddenly spoke again repeating his earlier question, "Do you want me to be involved?"

She'd closed her eyes trying to think of the best way to word her response, "I want to be able to tell this baby that you are their father," She'd paused when he'd looked at her in confusion, her reply obviously not making her decision any clearer, and taking a steadying breath she found herself able to say the words, "Maybe you need to talk to Zoe about this…" She'd stopped speaking to focussed her gaze onto the floor.

"I think Zoe has said all she has to say on the subject." She had been startled by his quick response and had looked up at him hoping that he would expand on his previous statement, though he did begin to speak again he offered her no expansion on what his conversation with Zoe had entailed, "Why didn't you tell me weeks ago Sam?" She had shook her head sadly, yet her usually non-communicative husband continued to speak, "You've just been stressing yourself out trying to keep it a secret, why have you been doing that to yourself?" An element of despair had crept into his voice and she wasn't sure if it was due to her actions or the sudden realisation that's he'd a father in a little under six months.

Yet, the possibility that he could be concerned was enough to bring tears to her eyes as she fought with the words she wanted to say, "You've been happy with Zoe and it wasn't fair to ruin what you two had just because I had been so irresponsible."

He seemed to look up at her words, it was when he questioned her statement in obvious confusion she had begun to wonder whether she had done the wrong thing all those weeks ago, "Irresponsible?" She had nodded slightly at his question, but never spoke, therefore allowing him to continue, "I'm sure there were two of us there, Sam."

She'd blinked in confusion and tried to assess what Dylan was implying, having honestly believed that her estranged husband would have blamed her for the complexity of the situation that they were embroiled in: "I thought you'd blame me…" She trailed off when he shook his, somewhat sadly, as though he was disappointed that she had felt she was unable to confide in him, "That you'd think I'd planned it," He had opened and closed his mouth a few times at that statement and had begun to resemble a goldfish when she had quietly pre-empted his question and provided an answer, "To make you stay with me." Truthfully, her thoughts had only drifted to that particular conclusion in the last few weeks, but it had in fact heightened her decision not to share her news with Dylan.

"Why would I do that?" He had glanced at her in confusion, not for the first time that night, and quietly spoke, as he pulled her towards him and she fell against his chest, twisting the material of his shirt around her fingers in an effort to distract herself.

"I don't know," She began softly, "I don't think I can cope on my own Dylan." By the end of her sentence she was whispering into his chest, head buried against the material as she admitted how unsure she was of the situation she had found herself in.

He seemed at a loss for words, so simply stood up from the cool linoleum floor and motioned for her to do the same. "Let's go and get that cup of tea, eh?" She had only nodded in response, and then allowed herself to be guided down her own hallway and into the living room before being practically pushed onto the sofa. She'd curled up instantly, and watched as Dylan had walked back into her kitchen to re-boil the kettle.

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><p>He padded back through the living room and put the mug down onto the coffee table in front of her, and she made the first attempts at moving. When he returned with the second mug, however, she motioned for him to sit next to her and fixed her eyes to the floor before beginning to speak softly, "I think, I was always going to tell you eventually." She bit her lip, not taking her gaze from the floor as she spoke, unable to bear looking at his reaction. "I almost did last week." She rubbed her nose self-consciously as she stopped speaking briefly. "I was frightened." She closed her eyes as she let her head fall back against the sofa, unsure of what else she could say to him, hoping that he might respond.<p>

"Frightened?" he had repeated the word back at her softly, and raised his hand to brush fallen hair from her eyes, before letting his hand rest against the side of her face. "Of what, Sam?"

"Something going wrong; having to go through it all on my own; how you would've reacted; not being able to cope…" She didn't think she'd find the words so easy but as soon as she had started speaking the comfort she'd always felt with Dylan had very much overcome her and she'd found that the words just slipped from her lips. She only trailed off, when she realised that her words seemed to be overwhelming him somewhat. She had felt him pull her into his arms and she hadn't wanted to break the comfort which it was providing by speaking ruining the moment so she settled for sitting there in a peaceful silence, letting her second cup of tea go cold.

It was a little under twenty minutes later, when Dylan had pulled away from her to reach over to lift something from the coffee table, which had obviously caught his attention. She turned to see what it was that was in Dylan's hands and realised with a start what it was her husband had in his hands. She looked at the scan picture, something that she was well aware that she hadn't been able to stop doing in recent days; it was three weeks old, taken when Zoe had declared it vital she get an urgent scan. She remembered clinging on to the older woman's hand desperately, feeling for the first time that the child everyone in the room was so concerned about was her responsibility. She could recall that Zoe had murmured reassuring and comforting words to her through the whole thing and had been the one to insist that she got a picture of her baby - though when she had asked for two she noted the confusion in Zoe's face before she shot her approving look, having obviously thought that she was considering telling her baby's father of their child's existence.

For the first time she had been unable to read the expression on his face, but she moved slightly so she could see him before she began to speak, "I got you one." She pulled her bag into her lap, as she sat facing him, and began rummaging through the various papers and receipts in her purse until she found what she was looking for. She pulled the small card from where it had been stored for safe keeping in her purse, and handed it to him, and he quickly swapped it with the image in his hand. "I'm not sure when I was going to give you that really…" She paused and vaguely wondered if she should reveal who she was with at the time. "…It was a few weeks ago now. Zoe was with me…" She broke off once again, to note his reaction, which so far had not moved from the image in his hands. "I thought I was having a miscarriage." That was the simple statement which regained his attention. She picked up the scan photograph, that had caught his eye from the table, letting her eyes fall over it - reading her name: Samantha E. Keogh, before letting her eyes fall it to the information it stated informing her that she was 26 years old and that she 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant when the scan was taken. He seemed to stumbling over words so she left him to it until he had composed himself enough to speak again.

"Zoe?" He glanced up at her words and realised for the first time that he may feel a little hard done by, now he had the knowledge that Zoe knew his child had existed weeks before he had.

She bit her lips nervously, and began softly, unsure what to say, "Hm, I didn't," She stopped realising that she wasn't saying the words she had intended on, and she let him take her hand before she continued. "I asked her not to tell anyone…" He nodded softly, as if in understanding.

"Wha-what happened?" She listened as the words seemed to catch in his throat and he squeezed her hand tighter in his own as he pulled her closer to him.

"I'm not sure, nothing untoward though…" She'd trailed off when she'd seen his doubtful look and seemed determined to convince him that his child was still safe - despite all her fears on that particular occasion. "Look," She began softly, reaching her hand up to touch his face, sighing as she did so as the memories seemed as incredibly painful for her, "I was just in so much pain, I really thought that they weren't going to be able to do anything, I was so frightened." Her eyes had been closing sleepily and her voice becoming quieter as she fought sleep, throughout her last sentence and he knew by the time that she'd reached the end of her sentence and repositioned herself so her head was resting gently against his chest that she was in fact fast asleep. He pulled the throw from the arm of the sofa where'd she'd thrown it when she had headed to the kitchen a little under an hour ago and covered her gently with it as he threaded his fingers through hair, deciding to let her sleep before he disturbed her by attempt to move from below her.

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><p><strong>So that's that until next week; I hope you did enjoy it - even if it didn't explain to much - but I feel Dylan managed to redeem himself a little in this chapter! <strong>

**Anny x **


	13. Chapter 13

**Once again, thanks to everyone who has been reviewing; **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you seem to have the others. **

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><p>It'd been fifteen days since she'd woken up, from her uncomfortable position on her sofa, suddenly aware of the unfamiliarity of not being alone. It had taken her a few moments, but once she'd been awake properly she realised it was Dylan's company she was in - who she also appeared to have woken - pulling herself into sitting position she noticed that it was a little after four in the morning. Apparently, so had Dylan, because he moved quickly to his feet and hastily informed her to go to bed before making it clear he was planning to leave. She'd padded down the hall after him, he'd turned to face her at the door and she'd rubbed her eyes sleepily before he had brushed his lips across her forehead. She'd glanced up at him unsure of how to react, but Dylan hadn't acknowledged the act and simply began to walk down the hallway heading for the stairs; while she'd locked the door behind him and trailed herself to bed.<p>

She knew this morning when she woke in the small hours she was feeling decidedly more nauseous than usual that she was going to be in for a long shift. But apparently her pale complexion had caused her husband some distress when she entered the staff room that morning; he queried twice whether or not she would be better off at home, and she'd once successfully managed to reassure him that the nausea had subsided. However, a little over twenty minutes later, when he'd asked again however, Tom had sat down next to her with a coffee in his hand and the strong smell had caused her to flee the room and to the ladies when she'd felt her stomach threaten to swirl dangerously.

Upon her return however, Tom had been terribly apologetic and hastily moved his mug away from her as she sat back down; Tess had offered small pearls of wisdom and a selection of foods which were said to preventative of spending the morning throwing up. Zoe had passed her a small plain cracker, obviously determined to see her eat something in fear of her keeling over through lack of food later in the shift. She took it with a grateful smile, determined not send Dylan's stress levels to steeper heights and find herself confined to the house before she was even half way through her pregnancy. She snapped the cracker in two and nibbled at it cautiously, fearful of the consequences that eating could bring. When she had managed to eat half of the bland cracker, Dylan had looked at her approvingly, and their colleagues had began to head out towards the department.

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><p>The blonde nurse had watched as Sam had seemingly dutifully followed Dylan from the staff room, and the estranged couple had held a conversation of hushed whispers at the doors leading to reception before he had walked through them and disappeared from sight. The woman, in question, however had headed back towards them, clicking her pen repeatedly seemingly lost in thought. Waiting until the woman he stepped considerably further away from her before she chose to speak "I don't understand them…" She began, before trailing off to indicate her with a bob of her head, she hadn't been talking to anyone in particular but there were at least five members of staff room around her. She'd watched as Lenny had hastily made his departure from the conversation, and had squeezed Sam's hand lightly as he brushed by her and the girl had offered a small smile in return.<p>

Lloyd and Scarlett stood in front of her, both seeming equally disinterested in whatever it was they were reading, however, both turned to look at whoever Linda was talking about. The girl had merely shrugged, before lifting her folder and heading in the same direction as Lenny. She was almost ready to question, why everyone seemed so fearful about getting into the topic of the Keogh's marriage and that of their child when Lloyd did respond: "There's, what, fifteen years in it?"

She shrugged faintly, unsure of the gap between husband and wife - but had concluded that there was a more ten years but a fair bit less than twenty in it, before she replied "Roughly, yeah."

She sighed wearily, as she heard the conversation faintly, and despite, the fact that both she and Dylan were relatively private people - well him a great deal more than her - she sometimes wished that they'd just ask instead of playing guessing games behind her back. The age gap between them was something that they'd never tried to hide purely because it was fairly obvious. Though she'd already understood from a conversation with Zoe - in which the older woman had admitted to questioning whether she was in fact Dylan's daughter - having been witness to their first post-Afghanistan encounter. She approached the desk, slamming the file as she did so before turning to the nurse, who had both looked up: "Twelve. You don't whisper as quietly as you think you do." She turned on her heel and swiftly heading for reception, deciding that she need a moment of fresh air to get her head together before she attempted to get any further with her shift.

She vaguely heard Charlie's voice, as the doors swung closed behind her, "Right, that's you told. Any chance of you actually doing some work now?" She smiled despite herself, unable to count the number of times she'd heard Charlie utter words of a similar fashion to gossiping staff members.

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><p>She'd been standing outside for a little over fifteen minutes determined to clear her mind of the horrible experiences of the past where the age gap between her and Dylan had been brought up. While their age difference had never mattered to either of them, they had known that there were many who found the entire thing a little less easy to deal with. She had conceded that it was entirely possible that it was those who doubted their relationship that had influenced her overwhelming sudden desire to have a child, as though to prove that they were committed to one other enough to make that decision. She knew that Dylan had been sceptical of her motives when she'd first steered them on to the topic of having a child. In fact she knew that he'd believed she was trying to gauge his reaction for her to drop the bombshell on him that she was already pregnant; he'd been so convinced of the fact he'd all but forced her into a pregnancy test mid-shift. The irony of the entire situation was that, that negative test was the only one she'd been grateful to see. After that particular incident she'd had to admit that she wasn't quite ready to make a step as huge as that yet and the decision had been put on hold for a little under a year, by then however she'd found herself Mrs. Keogh. The first, well second she supposed, negative test had been a horrendous affair; she could remember the experience vividly, she had cried for almost three hours in the kitchen, while Dylan had desperately tried to reassure her that it wouldn't happen straight away, and poor Dervla had sat at her feet completely perplexed to what was going on around her.<p>

She'd been lost in her own thoughts, when she was suddenly startled by someone placing a hand on her shoulder, she jumped slightly and turned to identify who had been trying to get her attention. She came face to face with Charlie, who upon seeing her seemed to look at her in concern before speaking softly, "They didn't mean anything by it." She had been momentarily stumped by his words unable to comprehend their meaning as he continued to watch her inquisitively. "They certainly didn't mean to upset you."

She'd blinked in confusion at his words, and as she did, she felt a tear roll down her cheek and she was aware of Charlie's concern. "Oh," She began quietly, "No, they didn't. I was just," She bite her lip pondering how to explain what she was remembering "…thinking. It's silly." She brushed at her eyes before offering the nurse a small smile.

"Okay?" She'd nodded quickly, and made to make her way back into the department, when she'd suddenly stopped and her hand had snapped to her stomach. She inhaled and her eyes closed sharply as she processed the enormity of the event. Charlie was by her side in an instant, one hand rested on her back and the other on her arm.

She had turned to look at him, her blue eyes wide, before she could establish what to say, "Kick." She'd smiled a little, despite how timid her voice was and he'd returned the gesture before letting her go.

"Yeah," He'd began softly, before he looked at her more intently, "and that's probably that little baby reminding their mummy she has to eat a little more before she starts work properly." She'd eyed Charlie in mock outrage when he walked in front of her reaching back to put his hand around her shoulder, forcing her to fall into step with him. "Alright?" She'd nodded softly, her fingers fluttering softly to her stomach again. "Come on, I'll make you some toast and jam." She'd looked up at the nurse hopefully when she'd heard his words and allowed him to gently lead her towards the building.

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><p>She fallen gratefully into the sofa when Charlie had led her towards the staff room. She'd eyed him curiously as he'd busied himself around the toaster before eventually placing the plate down in front of her: "Think you can manage that?" She had looked at the plate of food, albeit merely a slice of toasted bread, doubtfully at first, unsure how her body would react it to. Though upon feeling Charlie's stare on her, she managed to nod and stretched her hand out to pick up the slice of bread. She's put it cautiously to her mouth and Charlie had looked at her approvingly before moving back over to the kitchen counter to carry the two cups of tea towards the sofa. He settled himself next to her before he began to engage her in conversation again: "Feeling better?"<p>

She'd nodded slowly her response before she began to articulate a verbal reply, "Thanks." He'd smiled at her then, and she'd reluctantly realised that the support she'd received since the chemical spill the previous week was only likely to intensify as her pregnancy progressed and she'd have to deal with the people constantly trying to provide her with food and parenting advice.

Charlie had shrugged off her comment and turned to her while sipping at his still boiling tea, "Was that the first kick?" She'd nodded slowly, beginning to feel a sense despondency that Dylan had missed the particularly event and suddenly she felt her eyes filling with unnecessary tears. Tears which she'd tilted her head backwards and managed to blink back, as she considered seeking out her husband and sharing the information with him, however, she'd always instantly crushed that thought as she felt that Dylan would not act how she would wish to him to and she wasn't certain how she'd deal with that. She knew Dylan found it difficult to deal with his emotions and she knew that he was having difficulties processing the fact that he was supposed to feel something for a person whom he'd never even met yet.

She'd sat silently for a few more seconds before she glanced up at Charlie, "Yes." She'd smiled despite herself, and ducked her head slightly recalling the joy which she'd felt in the moment which lasted barely a second.

The nurse had watched her reaction with interest before he began to speak again, "Do you want me to go and get you Dylan?" She'd shook her softly in response.

Charlie had finished the last of his tea, and she'd taken a final sip of her own before she looked back up at him, "No, I'll tell him later." She smiled at the nurse as he nodded and she made to stand up moments later picking up the used mugs and plate and placing them into the sink.

Charlie had followed her to the sink and stopped behind her before speaking, "Leave them just now." She'd turned her head quickly, to look at him, but the sudden movement had caused her to close her eyes quickly and reach out to grab the work surface in order to steady herself. "Alright?" She hated to acknowledge how far away his voice sounded, when she opened her eyes and was able to give a small nod she noted the concern on his face. "Are you alright to work?" He eyed her cautiously as he spoke, as though he was aware that she'd confirm that she was in fact fit to work whether or not that may be the case.

She turned to face him before she began to speak, "Yeah, I am, I just need a minute." He'd smiled in understand and placed a hand on her shoulder before walking towards the door and waiting for her. A few steady breaths seemed to calm both her spinning head and her nerves before she looked up at Charlie who stepped closer to her, as he began to speak, tentatively as he broached the subject: "I think should maybe take a few more breaks than you do…" She nodded, and he wasn't certain if it was in consent or not.

They had both moved towards the door and were just about to leave the staff room when their entire surrounds were plunged into darkness, and she felt Charlie reach out to take her hand, as she moved around the table she could now barely see. They'd soon found themselves in the hysteria of the department soon enough and were confronted by concerned, confused and, in some cases, screaming patients. Charlie had immediately sought out Tess and the pair now seemed to debating in whispered tones, she assumed about the most ideal course of action given the circumstances.

The senior nurses had finally split apart and Charlie's voice had immediately captured the attention of the department, "Okay so we need to get the walking wounded up to AAU." He paused briefly, and looked around the room, his eyes finally falling on Linda, before continuing "Linda can you phone up and let them know?" The blonde nurse appeared to nod her consent and she'd headed for the office to use a phone not disconnected by the sudden lack of power. At Linda's disappearance Charlie turned himself to Noel and continued to sent out plan and issue instructions: "Those who've not been seen to, either need to go to their GPs or St James'." Charlie sighed wearily, as the back-up generators provided them with enough light to begin the process of dealing with the evacuation procedure.

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><p>It had taken them longer than planned but they had managed to rid their department of all patients, and had relocated to the staff room, when she felt a second twinge in her stomach. She'd flinched noticeably and Tom who was closet to her had turned around in alarm and reached out to take her arm, she'd blinked up at him in confusion but before she could even open her mouth to explain her sudden movement Charlie spoken quickly: "It's fine, she's fine Tom." She'd watched the confusion flush across the doctors face and she looked up to quickly, nodding her head to confirm Charlie's statement, before she began to speak softly, "She just kicked." She smiled to herself, as she stopped talking before she became aware of the curious way that Lenny and Linda were looking at her. "What?" She glanced at them in question.<p>

"A girl?" It was Linda who had broken the silence and she'd looked at her in confusion, uncertain about what she appeared to be asking her. "You said she." Again, she felt confused, and she'd felt herself screw her eyes shut and consider why she had said what she did.

She'd opened her eyes to find Lenny, Linda and Tom, eyeing her curiously, and she'd turned her head to Charlie for support feeling the tears beginning to build in her eyes, as she heard the door open and then close again - despite not paying attention to the new arrivals she had noted that there were two of them. "I don't know…" She's mumbled the words softly, before trailing off unsure how the people around might take the news. She felt someone else move closer to her, putting a hand on her back as they did so and she looked up noticing Charlie. She let herself leaning against his arm as he began to speak, "Dylan?" She wasn't aware of her husband response, though she realised that he was one half of the new arrivals in the staff room, but when Charlie began to speak again, she realised he must have at least acknowledged Charlie speaking to him. "I think Sam needs some air." Again, her husband appeared to make no vocal reply yet he was soon standing in front of her and she soon found herself feeling ridiculously grateful to Charlie for giving her the reason to escape the staff room. She'd followed Dylan from the room and he'd began to walk slower in order to fall into step with her. When they had stepped through the doors to the entrance of the hospital and they were both stood leaning against the hospital wall in relative silence, she turned to look at him: "Dylan?" She'd questioned his attention to her shortly and she received confirmation that he was in fact listening to her when he turned to look at her directly, "The baby kicked." She watched him cautiously unsure how he was going to react to the situation.

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><p>The staff room had descended into quiet discussion about Sam, Dylan, their relationship and their baby within minutes of them disappearing from view. Lenny had been the first to express concern, speaking softly mainly to Charlie, "Is she alright to be out there with him?"<p>

The nurse had glanced up to look at the Scottish doctor - fearful that he may have been privy to information he was not, no longer able to pretend he hadn't been witness to the way in which he and Sam had been trading confidences ever since the girl had been diagnosed with Fifth Disease. "Why wouldn't she be?" Even as he uttered the question he noted with relief that Linda, another of Sam's unlikely confidantes, seemed as bemused as he did about Lenny's words.

"She just seems a bit upset." Lenny spoke quietly, before pausing to allow him to nod though he remained confused while he waited on Lenny to expand, "He doesn't cope with upset, does he?"

Zoe had found her voice somewhere through the conversation, "I think they've got more to say to each other than they managed two weeks ago." When she noted the confusion of the staff around her, she expanded slightly, "They might've worked out that they wanted Dylan to be a part of the baby's life. I don't think that either of them would have been willing to admit how much they'd quite like to still be a part of each other's life."

Linda had been the first to acknowledge what she had said, "Are they not together?"

She shook her head at Linda's words and she had been forced to expand yet again: "I know who he really cared about for the few weeks he was with me. That night…" She trailed off gesturing to Lenny hoping he'd understand. "…with the chemical spill, his mind was still so completely on that ward with her and a baby that he never even thought was his. I doubt there will be anyone but Sam." She stopped talking suddenly aware that all eyes were on her and she had busied herself with the kettle while the remainder of the room's occupants attempted to find something else to discuss.

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><p>She'd always known that Dylan found words difficult, however, she did feel an incredible warmth when he had raised one hand to gently rest on her cheek, before it found it's way to her stomach and he let it rest there. She turned to look at him probably and was momentarily stunned when his free hand cupped her cheek gently and his lips found hers. In just a few seconds she reflected that this was an action which Dylan had obviously found easier to as a way to express his feelings rather than finding the correct words. She found herself relaxing into his kiss, letting her arms snake around his neck, as her hands settled at the bottom of his short fair hair. When he'd pulled away from her, she'd been forced to look away from him, unable to face seeing in regret in his eyes. Yet he'd turned her head and tilted her chin upwards before recapturing her lips and moving his hands to thread his fingers through hers at their side.<p>

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading, as always reviews do make me smile.. <strong>

**Now, that was my last pre-written chapter... but I still plan on having an update for next Tuesday.**

**Anny x **


	14. Chapter 14

**Well, you have chapter 14; I nearly thought you might not get it today, but somehow it happened.. **

**Thanks to all who reviewed, because this week and the last have been pretty mantic - as will next week, and the little reviews have cheered me up. **

**Special thanks to Callie, Meggi and ficmouse for reviews which made me laugh and appreciated Charlie with me and for genuinely encouraging me to get this chapter written on time even if they didn't realise it. **

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><p>When he'd kissed her outside the hospital three weeks previous, she hadn't expected him to even acknowledge his actions half an hour later let alone find herself in the position she was in now; as she stood in the kitchen of Dylan's boat, Dervla at her feet, as they both waited in silence on Dylan to finish getting ready so she could get into the shower. The events which had happened over the past week had occured at such a speed that she had to keep pinching herself to ensure it wasn't a dream. Initially, she had shied away from any thoughts of a reunion, certain that they would just be doing it for the child and she wasn't sure that she could cope with a relationship based around that - particularly when it was in fact what she wanted. However, her initial uncertainty about the speed of the events which had followed she found had quickly diminished with the idea that Dylan may still care, though as the days progressed she did find herself querying whether he wanted her within his sight at all times to ensure that she was doing everything correctly by his unborn child.<p>

The constant barrage of questions that she was having to deal with at home and at work, mainly about trivial matters such as her eating habits, finding time to actually sit down and eat at work and sleeping at a reasonable hour were beginning to grate somewhat. However, every time she found her anger at him bubbling to the surface it was quickly replaced by a sense of contentment, with the knowledge that Dylan was taking an interest and genuinely did seem to be caring - which, in turn, would cause her a chastise herself for ever doubting his loyalty and evoke a sense of guilt that she'd pushed him away for so long.

She pulled her dressing gown tighter around herself, as Dylan walked into the kitchen, noticing her act immediately, "Are you cold?" She'd shook her head, hoping to indicate both a negative answer and her confusion. He walked towards her, placing the palm of his hand against her forehead and she'd shrugged him off before making a hasty exit from the kitchen for a shower, to get away from another morning of interrogation.

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><p>She'd closed her eyes in annoyance briefly when she'd returned to the kitchen around forty minutes later, now prepared for the day, to find a mug of tea and a selection of possible breakfast foods waiting for her, and from the kitchen window she could see Dylan watching Dervla run up and down the tow path as she basked in her morning exercise routine now that'd she'd be confined to the boat of the majority of the day. She sighed and wearily sat down trying to determine what she'd rather eat, not actually feeling hungry or having the particularly craving for any of the food that Dylan had deemed appropriate for breakfast. She picked at the buttered toast from the plate, and forced herself to take a bite - more for Dylan's benefit than hers - relieved that following its previous return any sign of morning sickness seemed to have passed sufficiently enough for her not to be overly concerned about eating any more.<p>

The door crashed open pulling her from her thoughts, as Dervla bounded back through the boat, Dylan following behind. He stuck his head into the kitchen and she'd caught him looking approvingly at the fact that she was eating before he disappeared again. She'd put the remaining toast back down on the plate on principle and quickly got up and made her way to the living room, where Dervla had already taken up her place on the sofa for the day, to make it clear that she was now ready to depart for work.

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><p>While the drive to work had occurred in complete silence, it was not unusual and didn't concern her in the slightest, nor did Dylan marching on ahead as she stopped to talk with Dixie on her way into the hospital. When'd she'd reached the staff room she suddenly become aware of how docile she had become - to her husband's every thought and feeling - when she noted Linda, Lenny and Tom talking animatedly amongst themselves. Her husband, however, seemed completely disinterested had placed his hand on her arm as he brushed by her on his way out the door. She had stopped there and was chewing on her lower lip nervously when she'd heard Lenny's voice, pulling her into conversation: "Alright Sam?" She'd nodded her head softly, but quickly realised that she'd become overwhelmed with a sense of desolation at her withdrawal from those who she probably couldn't have gotten through the earlier weeks of her pregnancy without since she'd relented on Dylan's offer to moving back onto the boat with himself and Dervla. She was still so wary of the decision that she'd yet to stop paying the rent for her flat - purely from the fear of something going awfully wrong and finding herself desperately wanting to move back into her own space.<p>

She'd noticed Lenny beckoning her towards the table, and she'd moved the few steps in silence, watching as Linda, placed her toast back on the plate in front of her and reached out to rub her arm affectionately when she'd gotten closer. Lenny had reached both arms out to her almost immediately and she'd stepped closer feeling the instant warm and protection from the gesture. He remained seated and she'd pressed her forehead into his shoulder, and covered her mouth with her hand, fearful that she'd be unable to stop the tears which were prickly horribly at the back of her eyes. A calming sense of silence had descended across the room, and she could feeling someone - who she assumed was Linda - calmly rubbing her back soothingly - and Tom busying himself by the sink. Through tear filled eyes she'd finally looked up at Lenny and managed to murmur out the words she'd been thinking for over a week: "It's too soon. It all happened too fast." She felt herself being pulled against Lenny's chest as he rested his chin atop her head, moments before Tom handed her a glass of water which she accepted with a smile of thanks, "I don't even know where I stand." She wasn't certain if she was telling Lenny, Linda or Tom, or if she was simply thinking aloud, but she knew it was the first time she'd realised she had absolutely no idea where she stood, now that she and Dylan had tangled themselves in this mess.

Her head was still firmly buried in Lenny's shoulder, when she continued to speak, "I wish I'd never told him." It was when the words had left her mouth however that she felt Linda's had cease moving across her back. She hadn't realised that she was crying until someone was taking the glass from her hand and as she felt her own hand shaking against whoever had taken the glass from her.

Lenny's arms tightened around her as Tom seemed to move around the table and take Linda's seat, as the blonde nurse left the room. "You don't mean that." She nodded her head at Tom's words and pulled away from Lenny and looked at each of them in turn, unable to find the words to explain how she was feeling at that moment.

"I do." She forced the words out, and considered burying her head back into Lenny's shoulder, when both he and Tom looked at with a look of confusion etched across their faces. "He's always there." She continued by way of explanation, "Telling me what to do, trying to say his way is better," She moved her hands and allowed them to cover her face when she felt herself beginning to break. "He's not the one that feels like crying all the time and I can't sleep because this baby seems to be nocturnal." She ended with frustration evident in her tone, biting back a sob. She felt herself being pulled in the opposite direction and into Tom's arms, and she cried into his shoulder as he murmured comforting words into her hair. When she looked up again, it was apparent that he and Lenny were having a conversation without words before the Scottish doctor left the room, purposefully, and she reburied herself into Tom's arms.

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><p>She was aware of the staff room swinging open again, but she was feeling an endless sense of comfort from her position in Tom's arms, and was reluctant to move, even when she felt him loosening his grip on her. She was prepared to stay there for much longer when she felt Tom push her fallen hair from her face and she turned her head upwards to look up at him. He flashed her a reassuring smile, before moving from his position and standing upright - as though he was preparing to leave. She closed her eyes willing herself not to cry at the sudden loss of contact, she'd been appreciating. Despite living in the same space as Dylan, it hadn't made him anymore comfortable with just holding her when she was feeling emotional, or just a bit overwhelmed by the speed at which her life seemed to be continuously spinning.<p>

"Lenny said," She hadn't even realised that it had been Dylan who had entered the room until she'd heard his voice and turned to face him, scrubbing the sleeves over her face in a vain attempt to rid her cheeks of the remnants of her earlier tears. She was intrigued by what Lenny had in fact said, but she'd sensed - knowing her husband as she did - that he had trailed off to a complete halt and was not planning on continuing with his earlier sentence. "You aren't well are you?" She'd blinked in confusion by his sudden change of subject and before she had actually known what was going on she'd found herself being forced into seated position on the sofa and informed to stay where she was.

She'd established what was going quickly enough, however, when Dylan had wandered back into the room thermometer, in hand. The tears which were prickling at the back of her eyes began to fall the moment he moved the thermometer in order to put it into her ear and he'd stopped abruptly, sitting down beside her. "What's going on?" He'd spoken without taking his gaze from the sink which he'd been determinedly staring at since he down, seemingly unable to look at her.

She let her gaze drop to the floor self-consciously as she tried to find the words to explain to her husband, who was so capable at hiding his own emotions he almost appeared robotic, that she had absolutely no idea why she'd spent the first twenty minutes of her shift crying into Tom's shoulder in the staff room. "I'm not ill," She began nervously, "I just…" She stopped and tried to pluck up the courage to raise her gaze to look at him, but she soon realised that she wasn't quite ready to see his reaction to the words which were about to leave her mouth. "Some days I just feel like this, Dylan." She considered standing up and leaving the room when he never replied, it was when she was thinking this, that she realised his lack of response was something she used to meet with a snapped comment in complete frustration that he didn't deem their conversation important enough to reply.

In that moment she felt more anger at herself, for changing, than she did at Dylan from not understanding how she was feeling. She physically jumped when she felt Dylan's hand in her arm, pulling her from her thoughts. "Why?" She'd blinked at his question, and turned to met with his gaze watching her worriedly.

She wasn't certain how she was going to explain; how she was going to tell that she didn't think she was coping and more importantly how she just needed to know where she stood. She'd been far too nervous to broach the subject of Zoe, she knew that the older woman had been treating her no differently but she felt like she was in the middle, stopping them from meeting. "I don't know," She started softly, with words which seemed to only confuse Dylan further. "It's just all been such a shock." She stopped and was quietly pleased when she seen him nod his head, as though in agreement or possibly understanding. "After everything, it was the last thing I expected." She paused momentarily, wondering whether it was worth Dylan's horror to reveal her next few words. Somewhere in depths of her mind she knew she'd never lied to him and now probably wasn't the best time to start. "I didn't know what to do," She looked away from him as she began to say the words.

Though before she could get any further, she heard Dylan's voice querying her statement: "What do you mean by that?" He'd begun, his voice raised and it held an element of disappointment. "Did you think about…"

The moment he'd began to speak again, she'd realised where his question was going and she'd been horrified that he could've thought, that after everything they'd been through together, she could have ever considered not having their child. "No!" She'd almost instantly shouted across him, though when the word had left her lips she thought for the first time about what her initial thoughts had been, and she repeated the word again softly, as though to convince herself that she'd never considered not keeping the little baby growing inside her. However, inwardly, she was painfully aware that it had been her first thought upon seeing the child for the first time. "Yes." Her voice was a whisper that she was rather hoping he wouldn't have heard though from the look of complete disappoint now plastered across his face, she was aware that he'd heard her tiny one-worded confession. "I knew I didn't want that the moment I thought it," She explained in defence, "I just realised how difficult it would be. Then I seen her…"

"You keep doing that," Dylan had stated quickly, cutting her off mid-sentence and she'd looked up at him unsure of what she was meant to be doing. "Saying her." He offered in way of explanation. She was aware that he'd missed her first being caught out in the same situation three weeks previously, and with sudden confusion, she pondered just how often she referred to her unborn child as being female.

"Do I?" She'd whispered as she moved herself closer to him, letting her head fall down onto his shoulder and hoping that he wouldn't flinch away from the contact. She was partly pleasantly surprised and partly relieved when he never and she was able to curl her legs up onto the sofa and snuggle into his shoulder.

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><p>They remained in silence in the same position for twenty minutes before they some sort of unspoken mutual decision that they should in fact head back out towards the department and hope that no freakish horror, which Holby was prone to, had hit. They'd just walked out the door, when Jeff walked by wheeling a chair in front of him, beginning to speak as he noticed them, "Are you two busy?" She shook her and was unsure how Dylan had responded but Jeff however continued. "This is Lily Evans, seventy-eight, had a little bit of a dizzy turn in the supermarket. Pulse 8858 ; BP 176/105; GCS of 13 when we arrived, since risen to 15 and remained throughout and she'd rather like to get home to Jasper, that's the cat."

She'd followed behind as Dylan left heading leading Jeff and Lily towards cubicles, she'd gotten half way there when she realised that Dixie had been trying to gain her attention, she swung around quickly and accepted the handbag and shopping bag from the female paramedic before she returned to reception in order to book Lily in. When she'd located the cubicle where Dylan appeared to have settled Lily, Jeff was already leaving and he squeezed her arm, on his return to the ambulance, muttering something about not working herself too hard as he passed.

True to form her husband appeared to successfully ordered everything which could have been possibly needed, and she felt somewhat redundant as she stood by the side of the bed, pretending not to notice the fact that her husband was eyeing her cautiously over the top of the chart he was clutching. She shuffled from foot to foot as she pondered leaving the cubicle, before Lily had reached out to take her hand, to gain her attention and as she turned to face the elderly woman, "Who are you dear?"

"Doctor Nicholls," She'd opened her mouth at first before she realised that the movement was completely unnecessary because Dylan had seemingly answered for her and she was then forced into reflecting on her actions of the day to determine which seemed to have given Dylan the indication that for the first time in almost five years that he was allowed to answer questions for her.

She had recalled been somewhat perplexed when he'd done it the first time, and in that moment she'd failed to make any comment about his actions. Though as the weeks had progressed and the closer which they'd become that had allowed her to muster the courage to tackle him on the subject. She'd realised almost instantly, that he'd been unaware he'd been doing it and she suspected that it was something which he must do in order to ensure that he was always in charge of the situation around him. It was with the thought that he was returning to his ways of finding this acceptable, that she glanced back towards Lily and responded for herself. "Sam." The older woman has smiled in acceptance of her reply and let go of her hand before turning back to face Dylan.

"So when is it I can go home then?" She had a cheery edge to her voice that Sam felt must have been with her, her entire life, and she had to smile at the independent way in which the woman appeared to live her life.

She'd looked to Dylan herself when she failed to hear him responding, however, as she caught his eye he tilted his head towards the curtain and she'd quickly picked up on the fact that her husband suspected there was something wrong with the kindly woman.

"Excuse us," She said softly as she swung the curtain around them, in response to which Lily had waved them off with a smile.

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><p>She slipped quietly back into the cubicle with a sense of sadness of the way Dylan's observations had turned everything on it's head and replaced Lily's chart back onto the foot of her bed, when she pulled at the curtain in preparation for leaving and finding Scarlett or Lloyd and ensure that Lily was getting fifteen minute obs. However, just as she was about to depart, Lily's voice had forced to close the curtain again, and turn around to face her, "Your little baby is going to be well looked after with a doctor for mum and dad." The woman had spoken as if she'd said nothing out of the ordinary and had been calmly inspecting her cuticles throughout her entire sentence.<p>

"Sorry?" She'd glanced at the woman in complete confusion, desperately trying to recall when it had been mentioned and it fleeting entered her mind that the paramedics were telling patients on their arrival in the department.

"Oh, dear," Lily had begun softly, reaching to take her hand, as she looked at her sadly, "Haven't you told anyone yet?" She queried with a much lower voice, as though determined to be overheard.

She shook her head slowly, confusing herself and she tried to work out how to probably respond to the question: "No, they know." She stopped and moved closer to Lily before continuing, "How did you know?"

At her question Lily had smiled knowingly, "You touch your stomach an awful lot, and the way he looks at you." She paused, and glanced down to Sam's free hand pointedly and Sam quickly removed her hand from across her stomach with a small laugh and shake of her head. "He does, you know, followed you right around this place." She'd shook her head to her words, dismissing them immediately, certain that if he'd been doing such a thing she'd have noticed. "Don't you notice?" She shook her head as she sat down on the stool by Lily's bedside and suddenly found herself lost for words. However, it seemed Lily had that all under control as well, as she threw more questions in her direction. "So tell me, when is this little one arriving?"

"September." She found herself grateful that she was able to answer the question, because she was beginning to feel rather unobservant around this woman.

At her words Lily had smiled, "Lovely. Your first?" She turned to the woman smiling, as she consciously placed her hand across her stomach, when she felt the baby move slightly, before nodding her head softly. She remained silent as Lily continued to talk animatedly of her three sons and two daughters, wondering if everything would be completely different if she'd fallen pregnant years previously and whether the baby would've been enough to see Dylan and herself through the most difficult times their marriage faced, long before her own actions had ensured that it was over.

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><p>Zoe glanced up from her paperwork and looked at the man stood in front of her from over the top of her glasses in confusion before shaking her head both in bemusement and in a negative answer. "She's getting too attached." He had already used that reasoning and she'd failed to see what he was talking about the first time either. She had reasoned that perhaps she and Dylan had differing views on what was getting too attached to a patient; but Lily Evans was likely to spend the next view hours in their care and she was certain that she would benefit from consistent company and if that was what Sam was providing her with then she wasn't prepared to overrule the younger doctor. She shook her head a final time, before returning to her admin and she'd heard the man stalk off in a sulk, she assumed, and she discreetly raised her gaze to confirm her suspicions.<p>

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><p>Dylan may have warned her of his suspicions, yet she hadn't expected it all to happen so quickly when she was admitted to CDU. As she hit the button to the right of Lily's bed, she felt herself being suddenly pushed out of the way as the crash team descended around her.<p>

She was forced back into the fore by Lenny not a minute later; and found herself willing Lily to start breathing on her own again, realising for the first time why Dylan had warned her not to get attached to patients all those years ago.

Though it had also been Lenny who had shaken his head sadly, and she'd found her hands being moved from where they had rested atop Lily's chest and being pulled into Linda's arms, as she nodded her head in agreement. She wasn't aware of exactly was happening around her but she was sure of what should have been. Therefore, she knew that, sadly Lenny would've pronounced Lily dead and she wasn't sure how much longer she could stand in the little cubicle. She had tried to push herself from Linda's arms but the nurse hadn't let her go alone and she'd walked with her until they were both free from the confines of CDU. She slipped down the wall, letting herself hug her knees to her chest, as Linda sat down next to her wrapping both arms around her and pulling her into her side. "Can I get you Dylan?"

She'd managed to manoeuvre herself in order to see Linda then and shook her head in reply, "No." She began, "I just need a minute." She smiled at the nurse in what she hoped was a reassuring manner.

"Then we'll go and have lunch." She'd looked at Linda questioningly, but in the end she simply nodded her head and decided that it was high time she let everyone back in again.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading,<strong>

**You'll see how Sam and Dylan are getting on more next week; provided I get the time to write it - in fact take this as a small warning that it may be a day late next week - then after that I'll be back on track. **

**Annyx **


	15. Chapter 15

**Firstly, apologies for being so late to update - I had feared, though I would've rather that it hadn't, would happen. Thank you for your patience. It's been a completely manic week but I'll be back on track by next week and I'll be much less neglectful to those who review. Though, Abbie, Eilish and Rachel - your reviews did make me smile through the manic week and I'm very glad that you seemed so accepting of Sam's feelings. What you will feel about me after this I do not know, though.**

**So to Callie, Meggi and ficmouse - for their continued little thoughts and feelings about the goings on. And Callie, again because sometimes - with what is going on in this chapter and certainly the next - you do just need a little 'this doesn't have to end badly in real life' push and this chapter certainly needed one of those. **

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><p>She sat on the work surface in the staffroom, her little bump barely visible beneath her scrubs but it was still there and probably only to her but it helped her. She was certain that the sight of every so slightly expanding abdomen was the only reason she was able to go back to the boat after every shift; the little baby growing there giving her the hope that she'd be able to get through this difficult situation with Dylan and that they'd both be able to provide their baby, boy or girl, with everything that it would ever need. It was as these thoughts were circling her mind, she realised just how difficult that she'd been finding it to stop referring to her child as female. An act that she'd been determined to tackle since Dylan had brought it to her attention a fortnight ago.<p>

She realised, as the kettle boiled, that Zoe had been watching her curiously since she'd arrived minus her husband. She realised that her rush from the boat that morning, had not been one of her better ideas - given that she'd just have to explain herself to Dylan upon his arrival for work. She recollected her overwhelming desire to leave the boat before Dylan had awoken that morning, after wakening to a wave of nausea which she had soon came to realise was down to nerves of the questions which Dylan was likely to fire in her direction the moment he woke.

She'd crept from the room, getting ready in silence and had slipped out the door, without waking Dervla, and began the head clearing walk to work. It was somewhere along that walk she'd come to realise just how much she was struggling to cope with the unbearable amount of pressure which she felt Dylan had been putting on her. She scrubbed a hand over her face wearily, and turned around, in order to busy herself with making coffee before Zoe could find her voice and query Dylan's absence.

She moved from her position on the sideboard and slipped down to stand leant against, smiling good morning to Tom as he brushed passed her to reach for the kettle, she cradled her mug of coffee in her hands while she waited on her shift officially starting - she wasn't the only one, judging by the crowded room. Zoe was sipping tea on the sofa, Lenny and Linda appeared to be caught up in a crossword - which, quite frankly, was baffling. Wrapped up in her thoughts about the crossword situation, she missed Dylan's entrance, and therefore was distracted enough to let him take her mug from her hands. Blinking furiously at where her coffee once sat, she glanced towards the sofa where Dylan appeared to be taking it: "No." She glared at him, as he indicated that she follow him from the room. Reluctantly she moved from her place in the kitchen area, and as she stepped to follow him she felt the gaze of both Tom and Zoe upon her as she closed the door firmly behind her.

Fully prepared for the lecture that she was sure she was about to receive, she opened her mouth to speak first unsure how she was even going to begin to explain her early morning disappearance without hurting her husband's feelings. However, she was spared from having to deal with that situation when Dylan handed her mug back to her before, glancing at her doubt and speaking, as though to a toddler, "Should you even be drinking that?" He'd kept his gazed fixed on her the entire time, and she realised that the unusual act had left her feeling self-conscious and small, feelings which she reflected had not been too far from her mind ever since she'd moved back onto the boat.

"I need it or I might kill someone." She'd responded in a slightly joking tone, before she realised the truth in her own words, as she reflected that the lack of caffeine, and Dylan being the reason for it, was simply infuriating her further and leading her to assume that if she was to kill anyone that morning Dylan would be her first choice.

"Samantha…" His voice was drawn, and it held a hint of warning yet she couldn't bring herself to stand and listen to the lecture that she was sure would occur.

Taking preventative actions, she spun round away from his view when she spoke, "leave me alone!" she blinked back furious tears as she placed her hand on the door handle and made to leave the conversation.

"I booked a scan," he started purposefully and she withdrew her hand quickly, yet she was still reluctant to turn back round to face him, unsure if she'd be able to restrain the tears that desperately wanted to fall.

"Why?" Her voice was all but a whisper and as she realised how much she'd like to have the opportunity to see the little baby growing instead her again, she hated that it had been Dylan's decision.

"To see the baby." At his words she swiftly re-entered the staff room, wiping at her eyes roughly before the threatening tears could fall.

It was as she poured her now cold coffee down the sink, she became aware that Tom's position when she'd left was now occupied by Lenny as he reached out to squeeze her hand in an attempt at comfort. She'd glanced up at him, and immediately recognised the all too familiar sting at the back of her eyes as she took in the sympathetic look plastered across his face. Instinctively, she allowed herself to be pulled against Lenny's chest and buried securely in his arms as she nibbled at her lower lip nervously while silent tears streamed down her face at the prospect of the scan booked for later that afternoon. She was aware of the general hustle and bustle of the staff room around her and was increasingly grateful that her colleagues appeared to not be acknowledging her sudden moment of weakness and vulnerability.

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><p>She'd found her husband, pacing the corridor outside the Maternity ward, five minutes before their scheduled appointment, she pushed by him and strode down the corridor purposefully, before turning to make the reasons for being there clear, "I want to see the baby, I'm not here because you told me to be." She'd watched him turn on his to follow her with her eyes as she walked by, before he moved to join her at the bottom of the corridor.<p>

"Okay." She wasn't sure she'd ever heard Dylan ever accept anything she'd said so reasonably before that moment and she simply nodded before letting herself fall into the chair.

They'd been sitting in complete silence both staring at the white wall in front of them, when a nurse appeared at the door way and said her name quietly, "Samantha Keogh." The use of her married name made her flinch, unaware of how Dylan would feel about the subject - however, the man himself made no obvious signs of discomfort about the situation and simply rose to follow her.

As they were lead into the small room, she was immediately directed towards to the bed, and it was in that instant, fear washed over her and she was unable to shake the idea that due to her earlier illness this scan would confirm that while it had no lasting affects on her, herself, her child would not have been so lucky. The fear which had seemingly appeared from nowhere was making her nauseous and her head was beginning to spin as she lay down.

She felt Dylan's fingers flicker against her hand, as he sat down by her side, and she reflected that she had no idea how this was meant to feel. She realised that the only time that she'd been to an appointment like this not alone, she'd had Zoe by her side, squeezing her hand tightly and reassuring her that everything would be okay. She'd been startled to realise that Zoe's actions had been more emotion filled than Dylan's, who was still sitting by her side, but rather looked like he could be another consultant in the room than a father about to see his first child.

She was aware of the cool gel coming into contact with her skin, and Dylan's hand taking hers when the sonographer turned the screen to face them letting them see what was going on. However, the woman had quickly turned the screen and speech had startled her, "I'm going to go and get a consultant, for a second opinion, now, Mrs. Keogh." She'd nodded in acceptance at once, before she realised that the need of a consultant could bring no good news. For once, she was grateful to realise that Dylan had sensed her fear and he was gently squeezing her hand, no doubt trying to provide comfort.

She turned slightly in order to see him, and he pulled his stool closer to the bed and leant down slightly, letting her curl herself against his chest, as he threaded his fingers through her hair. They broke apart suddenly when the door was swung open again, and they came face to face, with kindly looking female consultant, no more than her early forties, who looked at them sadly before signalling for her to turn round so she could conduct her own scan.

As she felt the coldness of the gel being replaced against her stomach, she was quietly relieved to find Dylan's hand still in hers. She could feel the threat of tears beginning when the consultant began to speak quietly. "There is an indication of feutal anaemia, that you need to be aware of," she began softly, yet upon looking directly at her, the woman spoke again, in what she assumed was attempting to be a more reassuring tone. "Of course, we'll do some tests, but I think we'll run through some options first - then we can arrange tests and a follow-up scan."

The moment the words had left the other woman's mouth, she felt all coherent thoughts and her medical training leave her mind. She lay unmoving, as she heard Dylan rise from his seat to join the woman on the opposite side of the room, and let the silent tears slip down her face rolling to slide under her chin to land uncomfortably on her neck. She was so completely certain that the pain she could feel heavily in chest was psychological and she felt reluctant to voice it; despite knowing that any words from her would be likely to draw Dylan back to her side and despite the events of the morning that was rather where she'd like him to be.

She recalled the instant in which she'd known something was wrong, when the sonographer had zoomed in on the image of her tiny baby and rapid spun the screen from both her and Dylan's view. The woman had dashed off for a second opinion mere seconds later and she had wanted nothing more than to be able to detach herself from the situation and take in every word which was being said. However upon hearing the actual words she'd found herself unable to do so, and had almost felt herself shut down to anything which may have been asked in her direction as she struggled to process what she had been told. She raised her hand to wipe at her fallen tears, and winched at how painfully heavy her arm felt, as though everything which was now her mind had materialised across her body as pain, hurting her as if an injury despite any physical cause being nonexistent.

She knew her head was spinning from the information she'd suddenly had to take in; yet, she realised with a start, when the woman in front of her spoke in a more final tone, that she'd not heard any of her previous words and she was rather hoping that Dylan had managed to retain all the information they would need, in order to help their sick baby, "Of course," The woman began before pausing and looking directly at her, "you are rather far along." The woman had simply stated before pausing as though giving her time to understand her words, yet she was aware that she'd barely reacted. "There is still time, if that is how you would like to proceed." It had been the woman's second statement which had grabbed her and thrown her back to reality, as with an element of understanding she raised her head to look at her, hoping that the horror she was feeling was evident across her face because she was certain that she'd be unable to form words. She looked to Dylan for support, and noted that his eyes appeared to be staring without seeing at the woman stood in front of them. She reached out to take his hand, hoping that he'd realise that she desperately wanted to the contact for her own reassurance. It was as he flinched away from her touch that she realised with a painful certainty that he believed that she was to blame for their poorly child's current condition.

Even as she felt devastation flood through her at the thought of Dylan holding her accountable for such unforeseen circumstances, she could help but feel he was justified in his beliefs. She moved her hand to let to rest gently against her stomach, as she reflected on the many times where her unborn child had not been her first priority. She had never accepted allowing herself to feel or seem vulnerable, nor had she ever been comfortable with altering her usual state of affairs to accommodate anything new in her life. She realised with horror that this had included her child and therefore her husband had every right to blame her for the potential harm she'd allowed be inflicted upon their child.

She couldn't be certain if she was being punished for forcing work in front of keeping herself safe from potentially harmful infections; or if it was punishment for those few moments of doubt in which she'd very seriously considered that it may be best for all involved if she didn't continue with her pregnancy. Either way she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and heartbreak at her selfish actions, however she was pulled from her self-pitying thoughts when she heard Dylan attempt to respond at the woman, even though it felt like hours had passed since she'd put forward the final option. "I don't think that we need to discuss the matter any further," He began, and she'd looked up at him, feeling confusion yet silently praying that he wasn't about to get up and leave the room, leaving her to deal with a situation she wasn't certain she could handle. "We all know what will be happening." His words were clear to her and they made both her mind spin and her feel horrifically sick. She'd looked up at him, hoping that she'd misinterpreted his meaning, but when she glanced at his detached, emotionless expression, she realised that she could no longer remain in the room.

At that she had forced herself from her seated position, on the bed, and headed for the door her head spinning from the implication of Dylan's words. Conscious that she'd been unable to cease the rapidly falling tears which were steadily making their way down her face, she was also painfully aware that she knew nowhere but the ED and that she had nowhere to run. Her feet had almost instantly carried her back to the department where she spent the majority of her days, and as she pushed open the door leading to the bustling department, she found herself hoping that being two doctors down and having been so for the last hour if not longer her colleagues would be far too busy to notice her arrival.

Unfortunately this did not seem to be the case, and she heard the rapidly clicking heels on linoleum which had indicated that Zoe was fast approaching, and she found her own eyes darting around the room determined to locate an escape route despite knowing the task was in vain. She reached up to wipe the fallen tears from her face, in an effort she knew was pointless aware that they'd be rapidly replaced by the still falling tears. Zoe had reached out to her almost instantly upon seeing her properly, and she'd been quick to shrug her off, forcing her hands into the pockets of her scrubs and allowing them to discreetly curl around her tiny hidden bump, before she walked away from the older woman. It was then, that the nausea she'd been feeling since she'd been told what harm had been inflicted on her child had turned into the urge to be physically sick.

She'd reached the staff room and she was gratefully that it was empty and she dropped her hand onto the handle and was about to type the code into the keypad, when she felt someone pull her swiftly into their arms. She let her head fall onto their shoulder for the briefest of moments before she heard her name and looked up in response.

"Where's Dylan?" Zoe had called to her, as she pushed Tom away, unable to let herself be comforted over a situation where the blame lay entirely at her feet. It was hearing Dylan's name which brought the horror flooding back, and she remembered with so much sadness of the last words she'd heard her husband say and felt the devastation settle in her chest all over again.

She couldn't bring herself to look at Zoe as she responded sadly, "He doesn't want her now she isn't perfect." She slammed the door behind herself as she felt the tears which had been steadily pouring down her face turn into wracking sobs as the enormity of the situation hit her painfully. She let herself slide down the door, landing in a heap on the floor before pulling her knees up to her chest and letting her head fall onto them as she felt her whole body begin to shake as the sobs which she'd suppressing were able to escape their confines, now that she was alone.

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><p>The older female doctor stood rooted to the spot unable to take her eyes from the blonde woman, who had fallen to floor, crying so hard that Zoe was sure that, if it had not, the young woman certainly felt as though her entire world had been tipped on it's head as she refused the support she'd been offered in abundance. She pushed her hand up against the other door to the room, but as quickly as she had she withdrew it conscious that Sam seemed to want to be alone, at this particular moment.<p>

Zoe felt someone's gaze upon her as she watched Sam through the window, when she turned she came face to face with a rather despondent looking Tom. "What happened?" She shook her head at his question, completely uncertain of what had occurred, or rather what had been revealed to Dylan and Sam about their baby's state of health. "Will I go and find Lenny?" She struggled to recall a time where she'd seen or heard Tom appear so lacking of confidence and nervous. She couldn't deny that following Sam's sudden outburst the male doctor had been lacking his usual natural charm, and she looked up at him. "Just, he might be able to get through to her." She realised when he expanded that the confusion she was feeling about the situation she'd just witnessed must have been written across her face. She nodded her head, certain that the situation couldn't possibly get any worse than it already was.

As she watched Tom walk away she thought back to Sam's words and she realised that she had no idea where the woman's husband would be. Though she found herself unable to concentrate on locating possible places for Dylan to hide as it was with an overwhelming wave of nausea she thought to Sam's words referring to her baby as being imperfect; her mind was spinning with all the possible scenarios she could've faced. Zoe couldn't be certain why she felt so disappointed that Dylan seemed to have rejected the baby now that a potential risk had been noticed. She, herself, had found that hearing Sam imply that her child was no longer in perfect health as a far better outcome than where her mind had instantly travelled when she'd first seen the girl's tears upon her return to the department and feared the couple had learnt that their baby had died.

She turned to only person she felt could resolve the situation, as she tried to take in Sam's words, glancing around to see the girl who was still sobbing alone on the staff room floor, she began to speak to get his attention, "Nick." The Clinical Lead turned around and shook his head at her words before crossing the room to stand at the door with her she leant herself heavily against his should and spoke sadly, "Do something." He pulled an arm around her shoulder and rested his chin on her head, before she huddled against his chest only looking up at the sound of the newly returned Tom with Lenny as he desperately tried to explain the situation they now seemed to be facing.

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><p><strong>Again, totally not sure how you are going to feel towards me now; but it was a recent development really. <strong>

**Thank you for reading; and reviews will still make me smile, even when I'm not having a manic week. **

**Anny x **


	16. Chapter 16

**Okay, so that's us back on track. Make me feel better, believe me. **

**I feel it's definitely now the longest thing I've ever written, when it ends it will be that I know. **

**So thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, and to Abbie who assured me I was reading things correctly and threw a bit of scientific thought my way, ficmouse and Meggi for their continued support through this one and just being able to managing to keep their thoughts positive even when throw lots of bad stuff in the way. Also, to Callie for still being there at 2am when things are being re-drafted/written, and for being enough of a prompt to get this chapter up; and for understanding Tom. So this one is almost certainly for you. **

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><p>The Scottish doctor walked towards the staffroom door, where two of the senior doctors appeared to have taken up residence, confusion set in his face as he tried to get his head around what Tom had managed to inform him of, on his way from CDU to the main department. From his very brief snatched conversations he'd managed to have with Sam since she'd quite literally broken down in his arms at the pressure being placed on her, she'd given no indication that she was concerned there was anything wrong with her child. Yet, only that morning he'd picked by on her fear when she had eventually revealed that Dylan had booked a scan for later that day and when he reflected on it now, he wasn't sure where her fear had stemmed from. "What's going on?" He turned addressing the two older doctors when he'd reached the staff room. He was dismayed however, to see Zoe shake her head softly, as she chewed at her lower lip in obvious deep concentration. "Tom said she's got herself in a state," he began and was quickly pulled from speech when Zoe had indicated that he look through the window of the staff room door. He took in the sight of the distressed woman who appeared to huddled herself as tightly as she could managed in an obvious attempt at self comfort. "Where's Dylan?" He turned from the sight of an upset Sam to Zoe from the briefest of seconds waiting for a response.<p>

"I'm not sure," she began slowly, "she wandered back here, in a complete daze." She turned her head to Tom from the briefest of moments and he seemed to nod in confirmation. "He might still be talking to the Consultant. She just seemed so lost, like she wasn't even sure why she was here." The female doctor once again paused, to gaze at through the staff room window sympathetically. "She just seems to be in a state of shock." She finished quickly and seemed to physically distance herself from the situation by stepping back from him.

However, he observed that Tom had looked doubtful after Zoe's words and he quickly signalled for him to join him by the desk in the centre of the room; as they'd reached there, they'd been immediately joined by a both concerned and interested looking Linda, who'd quizzed them accordingly. He waited until Tom had seemed ready to speak, while Linda had remained by their side as though aware that she was awaiting information. "She, Sam," he started. "Implied that Dylan didn't want to have anything to do with the baby," he paused it seemed in order to be able to process the words himself but it had give both his companions the time to react in suitable shocked ways.

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><p>Sighing Zoe raised her hands to rub her face, as she returned her attention to the very broken looking Sam, who yet to move from her position in front of the door and her head was still firmly buried in her hands. Nick had removed her hands from her face and kept one of them tight in his own, as his own eyes found Sam, and when she looked up at him, she could only see the same sad look that had been evident in Tom's before he'd headed off with the intention of finding Lenny, in an act which she believed had only been done in an effort to make himself feel slightly more useful.<p>

She moved her head from where she was watching the animated conversation taking place between Tom, Lenny and Linda with interest, when she'd heard Nick directly a question towards her. "What's going on with him?" At his words she'd realised that Nick was referring to the unusually timid Dr Kent, she'd noted herself that he'd been usually withdrawn since Sam had indicated that their may be a complication in her pregnancy. She had wondered briefly whether he'd seen real life consequences of a pregnancy complicated by Fifth Disease; while she'd never seen the outcome, she'd known that it could end fatally and that knowledge was enough for her.

Eventually, she was able to stop her own confusing thoughts from swirling around her head and raised her gaze to meet his before speaking. "I think he's feeling a little useless," she began, gesturing towards a saddened looking Tom and eliciting a small nod from Nick.

She hadn't realised that she'd yet to fill the Clinical Lead in on the events which had preceded her need to ask for his assistance, until he'd spoken. "What happened Zoe?"

She exhaled slowly, throwing her head backwards and resting it against his upper arm. "The scan showed something," she said, diplomatically, unsure how she was going to explain the situation in which they were currently embroiled with the very limited information that she, herself, had acquired. "She just went to pieces Nick." She continued much more confidently, having at least been certain of that detail, having watch it happened from the moment Sam had stepped back into the department.

"See if you can track down Dylan," he had began, pausing only momentarily to allow her to nod in her agreement. "See if we can't get to the bottom of this mess." He's finished, before indicating that he had other plans for himself. "I'm going to try reasoning with her." She'd nodded a final time before heading out of the department.

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><p>He pushed the door open, and the slight creak that it made alerted the sobbing woman to someone else's presence in the room. She raised her head slightly, and his heart almost broke when he seen her completely lost, heartbroken expression, before she reburied her head in her arms and he found himself striding towards her before dropped to the floor to sit next to her. "What's happened, eh?" He began softly, hoping that he'd managed to coerce her into talking eventually. However, despite his initially insistence that he'd talk to Sam, he couldn't help but feel uncomfortable and as unhelpful as Dr Kent had looked when the girl in front of him burst into a fresh storm of tears before she'd even attempted words.<p>

"Foetal Anaemia," she had all but whispered to him, when he'd gotten closer to her, and he wasn't certain that he'd managed to prevent her from recognising the immediate horror which had filled him, from his facial expressions at her words. "They want to do tests." She'd stated simply and he'd felt the tears build up in his own eyes as he realised the enormity of the situation she appeared to be struggling with alone. He was almost certain that he'd never wanted to see Dylan arrive back in his department more and it was with a pang of sadness he realised his wish may not be granted, even by Zoe.

She'd rocked herself backwards and forwards as her Clinical Lead, had wiped the tears from her face before beginning to speak. "You don't really know what's going on yet Sam," he'd began, "so stop doing this to yourself. I promise you, that it doesn't have to end badly." She looked up to meet his gaze then, and despite how much she'd tried purely because she did have an unwavering trust in his medical knowledge and clinical judgement, she was unable to seek any sort of comfort from his words. Instead, she'd quietly huddled herself back into her corner underneath the window.

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><p>He'd pushed at the half open door when he realised that the Clinical Lead seemed to be getting no where with the distressed woman, sticking his head round it without attracting the attention of either of the room's occupants. "Can I come in, Sam?" He spoke softly, and it was the Clinical Lead that who had looked up at his words. "Sam," he tried again, and at that she'd looked up her face full of grief as she nodded her head and as he stepped into the room, the Clinical Lead and risen to his feet and clapped his hand onto his shoulder before he sunk to his own knees to pull Sam into his arms.<p>

The moment he head at made contact with his shoulder, he found himself speaking desperate to reassure her, " Zoe's gone to get Dylan," he started. "You'll be able to talk this all through." He'd felt her slight shake of her head but chose to ignore it as he continued, aware of the presence of the Clinical Lead and both Linda and a concerned looking Tom just outside the door. "I'm sure it's all a mix up," he wasn't sure what his words were doing but he was pleased when her tears appeared to have ceased. "Dylan didn't mean what you think he did." He concluded upon noticing Zoe returning to the department with an irate looking Dylan at her heels, showing his obvious displeasure at being forced from whatever it was he'd been doing. "I'm going to go and let you and Dylan have a chat now, okay?" He prompted her upon getting no reply, "Sam?" He was almost saddened to see her shake her head, seemingly determined to push all the support that she needed away.

She'd shaken her head but when she felt Lenny leave her, she realised at once that he'd not heeded her request of keeping her husband outside. She looked up at from below her wet eyelashes and took in his complete calm and unaffected appearance, before she all but spat the only words she'd wanted to say to him, from the moment she'd heard him say those fatal words, "I'll never, ever trust you again!" She paused only to violently brush her fallen tears from her eyes, "I'm never going to forgive you!" There was a certain of certainty in her voice. She glanced up realising the small audience in the door way as she watched Dylan retreat to the opposite side of the room.

"I can't even think that!" She knew that somewhere along the lines she'd stopped caring about the shocked faces of her colleagues, as she began furiously. "Because I already love her, she's already real to me!" She stared at him, daring him to respond.

She let herself sit huddled up on the floor, with tears which had ceased the moment her husband had stepped away from her, curled carefully into Lenny's arms as he rested his chin atop her head in silence following her outburst. From somewhere she found the courage to walk towards him, but she stopped at the first sofa unable to bring herself to be any closer. It was in the silence that followed she whispered out the words that she knew Dylan was thinking. "And I know, it's all my fault!" It was with a sense of all encompassing grief that she collapsed onto the sofa, shrugging off everyone's touch; until she felt familiar, safe arms wrap themselves around her and a strong Liverpudlian accent whispered that she knew. She raised her hands to her face as the tears which only anger had ceased began to spill down her cheeks.

She'd let the older woman rock her back and forth reassuring her that nothing that had happened was in any way her fault. She knew that despite Linda's words, and while all her clinical judgement was ensuring that she should in fact be listening to what she was being told, she couldn't block out the voice which was informing her that it was all her fault. If she'd not been so afraid of telling Dylan that she was pregnant, she'd have not needed to keep her baby a secret and if that was the case then the potential of her coming into contact with a patient whose condition would have compromised her own baby's safety would have been reduced. Yet, try as she might she was unable to recall ever coming into a contact with any child who had been showing signs of possibly suffering from the condition themselves.

She'd been aware of an uncomfortable Dylan being practically forced into the seat beside Linda by Zoe, who had then left the room as quickly as she had entered it. She hadn't spoken a word, and she had desperately tried to stem her rapidly pouring tears when she became aware just how many members of staff seemed to be caught up in dealing with her irrational behaviour. She'd heard Linda mutter something about leaving and she'd looked up in time to see Lenny lead her from the room, closing the door firmly behind them when she realised that she wasn't certain how much time had passed, but she was aware that she'd been passed from Linda's to Dylan's arms as if she were an upset toddler.

She let herself regain her composure against the comfort of being held tightly against Dylan's chest, before she plucked up the courage to begin this particular difficult conversation with him. She'd know the instant the words had left Dylan's mouth that she would have brought her baby into the world without his help or blessing, but it was that fact she was having difficulty articulating now. After several considerations had been flying around her mind, she surprised them both by speaking suddenly. "It's just that you are meant to…" She'd trailed off when she realised that Dylan had been staring at her expectantly and she realised that she wasn't completely sure of what she was actually wanting to say to him. Slowly, she moved her hands in order to link their fingers together, before she began to voice her thoughts coherently, "this is our baby, and I love them no matter what," she paused again, unable to trail her gaze from their interlocked fingers. However, when she began to speak again, she became aware that she knew exactly what she'd been trying to make him understand. "You're meant to love them unconditionally." She moved her head to face him directly, hoping that he'd understand she needed him to act as she'd hoped.

"You don't want her anymore," she began, again, hearing all the sadness that she felt in her own voice, as she averted her gaze from Dylan, unable to see any form of confirmation in his eyes. However, as the words had left her mouth, she felt Dylan grab her hand forcing her to look back at him. It was the look of complete confusion which had descended across his face and prompted her to attempt to explain where she'd gotten her accusations from. "You said -"

He hadn't let her get the rest of her words out before he'd shaken his head violent and reached out to stroke her cheek, affectionately. He had looked deep into her eyes, at that moment, making her believe his words. "That's not what I want," he began, "not what I meant." He continued to look her and she managed to offer him the tiniest of sad smiles. "They need to run some tests; the amniotic fluid, for one," he'd smiled at her sympathetically when she'd visibly shuddered at that process before continuing. "Another scan," he stopped talking suddenly and she felt herself being pulled back into Dylan's arms. She was grateful, because she was certain that the amount of information she'd soon be provided with would overwhelm her. However, as the silent tears streamed down her face she realised that it wasn't the actually diagnosis which had upset her, but it'd been that way in which she'd learnt, despite her secrecy over the events, the weekly scans which she'd been subjected to ever since Zoe had made her original diagnosis had shown nothing, it was the shock of finding out when she'd just been able to convince herself that there was a chance that her child had not been affected by the illness which had floored her for a week, which was destroying her now.

It was at Dylan's words she realised that they still had so much to get through before anyone would be able to confirm anything to her. She could feel herself trembling against Dylan's chest, as she closed her eyes and rested her head against his chest. He'd rubbed her back consolingly for a few minutes before he'd informed her that she should take a nap and that he'd be back an half an hour or so, without saying where he was going.

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><p>She'd seen him smile sympathetically as Dylan left the room, and it pained her slightly to realise that after all these years, people still seemed to feel instantly sorry for her when they learned of her union with Dylan, but it was when Tom appeared at the staff room door, and began to speak she realised that it was not the case. "How are you?" He began, moving into the room so he could sit down next to her on the sofa. He'd taken her shaking hand at her silence and raised his free hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks.<p>

She'd felt oddly comforted with her hand in someone else's and she turned to study him carefully, she picked the saddened look from his eyes as she did so. "Hydrops," she said quietly, unsure if he would even have heard her, "because I was ill." She stopped speaking and felt the tears beginning to build up in her eyes yet again. He'd nodded softly at her words and squeezed her hand tighter. "They need to do more tests and scans and whatever else," she managed to continue, feeling that being able to get the words out was helping to clear her mind.

He raised both of his hands to her face after her words and stared at her compassionately before speaking. "You don't know then," he began, "nothing has been confirmed, yet?" She'd shaken her head, and the familiar wave of nausea had passed over her as she thought of the testing of amniotic fluid which had still to be carried and the process which it involved, rather hoping that Dylan would be there to hold her hand without her having to beg him to be. "Sorry, I never meant to make you think of it, Sam." She shook her head softly, and tried to smile encouraging.

"I think," she began softly, "I'll develop a very irrational fear of needles that day." He'd smiled sympathetically the moment that she'd finished speaking and moved himself in order to rub her back comfortingly. She felt herself relaxing against him and being incredibly grateful for his presence. "Have you seen babies with it?" She watched as her companion shook his head, almost sadly, as if he was disappointed that he couldn't have given her a more reassuring answer. "Do you know anyone who has?" She persisted feeling unable to settle until she had gained some form of confirmation that it didn't have to end horrifically for her little baby.

"Sam," he began raising his hands slightly, and letting her fall against his chest, before he continued speaking. "Stop doing this to yourself, please?" He'd rested his arms tighter around her back when he heard the soft sniffles indicating that the downpour of tears had resumed once again. "You know," he spoke softly, uncertainly unsure whether or not his words would just give her false hope, yet it had been clear that she'd take in very little of what she'd been told by the consultant and that from Dylan's own relaying of that information she'd only managed to retain any information with a negative element. "Sam, fifty percent of cases like…" He paused as Sam raised her head to look at him, "your baby, they recover, fifty percent of all hydrops cases end in spontaneous recovery." He felt her shaking against his chest, as she began to sob once again. "You have to wait and see what they say." He finished forcefully, hoping that she'd understand the importance of follow up tests and scans which were obviously terrifying her, yet he felt that he hadn't quashed her fear any when he felt her fingers twisted around the fabric of his scrubs while he desperately threaded his fingers through her hair as he tried to pacify her. He glanced sideways noticing Dylan stood in the doorway, as he did so.

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><p><strong>So thank you for reading, I'm not certain when I'll give them a little more happiness but I'll do my best..<strong>

**I'll definitely have chapter 17 up for you by next Tuesday.**

**Anny x **


	17. Chapter 17

**So, chapter 17 - this is getting on a bit, not sure where I'm finding the words to write from, really I don't - me and this chapter really aren't on speaking terms anymore. **

**Thank you to my lovely reviewers and also those who have been alerting; lovely to know that people are still enjoy - and some new people too. **

**This chapter is definite dedicated to the lovely Callie for all the after midnight freak outs over it, and still being up at ridiculous o'clock; and Meggi for being herself. **

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><p>The agony of the previous fortnight had been hard to bear alone, with Dylan working long hours and when he'd gotten home he'd boxed himself in the room he had always regarded as a study and seemed to have fully immersed himself in books and journals and it seemed that even Dylan's beloved Dervla had been feeling neglected. She'd closed her eyes as she leant back against the desk in CDU, enjoying the peace which she'd never admit to needing, as she reflected on all that had occurred, besides having to coax a pining dog from the study door and to her bed, in some vain hope that if she was noisy enough about it her husband may emerge from the room himself and she'd be able to see him.<p>

She'd considered that the most difficult part of the leave, which Nick Jordan had forced upon her until her results had been given to her, was how incredibly difficult which she found her own company. She couldn't understand why she was having difficulties with a situation which she had always found welcoming and reassuring. Ever since she'd moved to start University she had been used to enjoying her own company and in the end she found in the peace. It had been one of her prime concerns when she'd initially moved onto the boat with Dylan, four years previous, but she had soon realised that he and his beloved dog seemed to enjoy the quiet too - yet she wondered why a man who was so intent on detaching himself from the outside world, had seemly needed the dog that he refused to go a day without speaking too. When she'd moved back onto the boat just six weeks previously she'd realised that neither of them, those who had been the only she'd truly missed in her life, had not changed.

She could see Dervla's reluctance to be near her from the moment she'd rejoined life in the boathouse, and she was certain that she was being suitably punished for abandoning her and her beloved owner. She had this feeling however that the dog was finally living up to Dylan's observations of her intelligence and had completely understood that she was to have a baby. In the most recent of days when Dylan had shut himself away in the study, she and Dervla had curled themselves up on the sofa waiting on the letters and phone calls she was due to receive in reference to the tests, and the dog had rested one paw across her stomach as if knowing that she had someone else to protect.

She wanted to cry every time she thought about sitting alone in the waiting room waiting on her name being called. She'd never felt more alone than she did in those moments willing Dylan to be able to get away from the ED, for as long as it took for her to go through the slightly painful progress of the removal of amniotic fluid for testing, if only so he could hold her hand. It was only pride which had forced her to refuse the kindly consultant's offer of waiting for Dylan who she had assumed had been caught up in a highly busy department. Hearing the words of reassurance leave the woman's lips had caused tears to well in her eyes and she'd been forced to go ahead with the uncomfortable procedure, alone, to spare herself the indignity of crying over the lack of Dylan's presence by her side.

She'd shared her terror over the subsequent blood test with Tom; she'd felt incredibly weak that she'd felt the need to talk her problems through with someone rather than dealing them with as she always would, by herself. She'd been stunned when the consultant had left her before the second procedure and returned with a timid looking Lenny, and she'd clung to his hand as tears of discomfort rolled down her cheeks. He'd lied to the consultant and she'd be so incredibly grateful to him when he told the consultant that Dylan had been called into an emergency case and had sent him knowing that she would've needed a friend by her side.

Her mind was spinning when she seen Dylan walk back into the ward, in her heart she knew what she had to do, she could no longer bear the silence, his detached acceptance that their baby didn't have Foetal Hydrops, that the tests and the scans had cleared her. His dismissive one-worded response to this news had been what had made her mind up for her; the fact that he hadn't even asked what that would mean and how they had planned on dealing with the anaemia which had already been confirmed.

She waited until her husband had almost reached her side before she had even attempted words, then without even knowing how everything that she had ever wanted to say had tumbled from her lips. "I can't take it anymore Dylan. This, amongst other things, was why we separated. We drive each other mad, that's why we were barely speaking when I went to Afghanistan." Her head was hurting, her eyes were burning with unshed tears as she realised the enormity of what she was doing, standing at the opposite end of CDU screaming at him, had not been how she'd wanted to end things, in fact she didn't want to end things at all. Yet their relationship, though at times heated and fragile, was strong and they depended on one another but it didn't appear able to withstand both of their strong personalities. "We can't do this again Dylan, it's too difficult, we hurt ourselves then each other that is how we've always been." She paused only briefly to prepare herself for making the first step, a step which she knew Dylan wouldn't take, especially now: "Let's just end this here, so we are still able to speak to one another. For our sanity, for this baby's sake." As soon as the words left her mouth, she was unable to stop the river of tears which now coursed steadily down her cheeks. She bowed her head desperate to hide the tears she was crying as she realised exactly why she'd continued to pay rent on her flat and had refused to give up that independence straight away.

She had thrown herself into his arms, when he stepped closer to her, desperate to cling onto him - in some way - because despite everything; the feelings they had for each other were as strong as they had ever been. She was completely confused, as she felt his arms around her while she sobbed into his shoulder, she hadn't heard of many marriages ending this way. He ran his fingers through her hair in a comforting way, murmuring words of comfort in her ear. "It's so difficult to love you." She didn't even think that she had meant to say it aloud.

She certainly hadn't expected him to reply, yet he did, quietly. "You're not so easy yourself."

She'd buried her head against his shoulder as he soaked her hair softly, as she tried desperately to speak. "We can't go like this," she began, "I'm not going to stop you seeing the baby," she continued, determined to get her own words out before she could be accused of anything. "I just want to live in my own flat, I don't want to end up hating you, because I love you far too much for that." She clung to him, moving her arms to meet around his shoulders before she pushed away from him hurriedly wiping her eyes and cheeks as she did so.

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><p>Zoe stepped away from the trolley in front of her removing her gloves with a snap as she did so, before raising her hand in order to push hair which had fallen over her face from her eyes before she turned to the team of medical professionals stood waiting on her to give another order, she glanced a finally time back towards the teenage girl who she still to be in refusal to tell her the truth about how she came to have collapsed. However, her instinct was telling that an eating disorder was not out of the question entirely, despite her not exhibiting all of the more common signs. She knew that Linda had agreed almost immediately before she'd even been able to express her opinions.<p>

She'd considered that while CDU with the never overly sympathetic Dylan would be the best place for the poor girl, but it would have to do until she was able to get someone from the psychiatric teams down to assess both her and the situation she appeared to be in. She allowed her own mind to flit to the thought that she'd assumed that Dylan's impending fatherhood may soften his hardened outer shell; similar to how Sam had been behaving not that she'd ever admit this change to the woman herself. Yet, she considered that this was also possible that Sam's emotions were just playing havoc with her usual feelings towards patients. Thinking of how she'd seen the girl go to pieces a fortnight previous, she worried that the two weeks leave Nick had forced upon her would not have been enough to help her deal with the frightening circumstances going on in her personal life, before she returned to the overexcitement which working in the ED day in day out until she began her maternity leave would cause.

Suddenly aware that she'd been losing herself in thoughts and not focusing on the patient in her care, she began to speak. "I want to admit her to CDU," Zoe turned quickly to look at Linda, who nodded softly, before heading towards the phone.

Lenny found his voice just before Linda left the cubicle "You might not want to phone just now."

"Excuse me?" The nurse turned to look back at him confusion written all over he face.

"Sam and Dylan are screaming at each other; she's at one end of the room and he's at the other…" Zoe held up her hand stopping him mid-explanation, she shook her head softly.

"I'll go up with the patient and sort it out." She sighed deeply, despite her feelings for the way that Sam and Dylan seemed to be taking their relationship - she knew that, even those brief weeks she'd spent with him, his heart had and always would belong to the young blonde doctor who had captured it however many years previous.

Leaving Resus at a speed, she'd realised that she had no idea what she could do or say to prevent the row between husband and wife escalating any further when she'd passed Noel dealing with already large queue in reception. She walked up the stairs, heading to where she'd been informed the domestic had been occurring, however, she was momentarily stopped in her tracks when an upset looking Sam had slipped from the ward herself, and hurried down the stairs, still wiping away the tears which she'd obviously been crying. She'd sighed wearily, watching as the girl had brushed off a passing Tom's concern and the doctor had continued to the reception desk, looking a little saddened by his female colleague's reaction to whatever he had said. She reflected that the only time she'd ever found Tom looking anything but his usually cheerful self was when he'd felt unable to help someone.

She shook her head at the over thinking of her colleague's actions which she'd been that morning and sighed deeply, as she pushed open the door to CDU and found Dylan hunched over the desk seemingly lost in a set of notes, for some non-existent patient. She walked towards the desk, hoping that he wasn't going to be as upset as his female counterpart; and she wondered how the girl was now and where she'd gotten to. She rather hoped that despite her initial refusal of comfort that Dr Kent had tried again with the girl.

"Dylan," she began tentatively, hoping that her colleague would at least offer her the respect of responding to her words, whether he was willing to open up or not.

When he raised his head, she was immediately shocked into silence by the saddened look present across his face, before he'd even said a word. He looked up at her before quickly averting his gaze and back to the notes in front of him, seemingly in thought. "Over." She'd heard the mumble of a word and his lips seemed to move but she'd been unable to hear clearly what he had told her.

"Sorry?" She had moved to sit on the desk, hoping that the closeness of her contact would help him to open up about whatever he and Sam had been rowing about.

He watched seemed to watch her move, but before she could cover his hand with hers he'd moved his own and stared at her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. "It's over," he began before shaking his head miserably. "She couldn't do it anymore," he paused again, seemingly to read her reaction and wasn't sure how she was meant to reaction to the situation. "She said that she wanted to live on her own." He finished and quickly returned to the file in front of him.

She looked at the ceiling, picking a pen from the desk, in an effort to distract herself from the situation which she seemed to have found herself in. "She probably just needs some space," she said slowly, attempting justify the actions of someone whose actions she'd never been able to understand even when she wasn't emotional and scared. "She got an awful shock the other week, you both did." She stated, hoping to not only soothe Dylan but also bring what they'd been through to the front of his mind.

The man sat in front of her sighed exasperatedly as he began to speak. "She isn't listening to what I've been saying," he said incredulously, shaking his head as he did so. "I've been trying to work out how best to treat them." He finished quickly, his tone showing his obvious disbelief that Sam had not understood his actions.

"Does she know that?" She had found herself querying timidly, hoping that he wouldn't shut down completely now she'd gotten this far.

He had opened and closed his mouth a few times, before sighing at her in a despairing way which had made her both want to strangle him and wonder how Sam had in fact not done so before now. "What else would she think I've been doing," he seemed to ponder the words aloud, not really looking at her as he spoke. "I've sitting with my head in journals for over a week." He explained, declaring the words as though what he'd been looking up had never been unclear.

She'd removed her glasses from her face and covered her eyes before shaking her head. "Did you tell her what you were doing?" As she asked the question, she'd looked up him and had taken from the look etched across his face that he could understand why that act would have been necessary.

"No." He said the words carefully, with a dismissive tone.

She'd wondered whether he'd ever thought it necessary to explain his actions or himself to anyone, as she spoke, finally questioning him on the subject. "Then how was she supposed to know?"

"She's been married to me for long enough, I always look up everything." He'd stated slowly with a sigh, and he seemed to lose him in thought more a moment before he began to speak again. "Even after," he stopped talking almost immediately and she got a sense that he felt he was about to disclose too much information to her.

"After what Dylan?" She'd spoke softly, certain her confusion was evident on her face.

"Nothing," he'd all but shouted at her, then suddenly dropping his voice before continuing. "Leave it." He finished determinedly, leaving her certain that she was no longer allowed to as questions, but feeling that the moment she had the legitimate opportunity to she would have to have a look through Sam's medical records.

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><p>Sam stood motionless as she watched Tom hovering by the doors, twirling his stethoscope around his neck, obviously waiting for an incoming case. She watched as Dixie had cradled the little boy in her arms while Jeff seemed to leading two hysterical looking parents towards the relatives room, as Tom lead Dixie towards Paeds Resus. She wasn't sure why she had begun to walk and she certainly wasn't why she'd followed Tom to Resus, but when her attention had once again been grabbed by the poorly looking child she was by his side in an instant. She watched in silence as Tom pointed out the obvious rash covering the child's stomach, and seemed to silently be asked for some sort of confirmation, she'd nodded her head softly before snapping on a pair of gloves indicating that she was intending on helping.<p>

She'd eyed Tom with both confusion and anger when he pushed her from the child's side and shook his head sadly. She'd watched Dixie nod her head slowly, and suddenly became aware that she had no idea as to whether the events around her were going on in silence or if she just couldn't hear the sounds that were actually going on around her. Her confirmation came just as Dixie was leading her from the room, when she glanced back watch as the tiny little boy's heart slowed and she couldn't hear the ear piercing beeping which sound have been emanating from the machine.

Dixie had her in the staff room in a matter of minutes, and suddenly she was unable to prevent the tears which had been threatening since she'd left Dylan in CDU almost four hours previously. She was almost relieved when she found herself wrapped in the kindly paramedic's arms for the briefest of moments before she had to dash away on another call.

Dixie's presence was quickly replaced with Tom's and she'd spoke suddenly - not certain that he would even hear her words, "I feel so useless," she began, "I can't even help." She slammed the mug she'd picked up back down on the work surface in despair and she felt Tom by her side stroking the inside of her wrist, as she fought to regain control of her emotions.

Tom leant down towards her and spoke softly, almost in her ear. "You're not," he paused briefly to look up at her. "I just couldn't have you in there Sam," he started, unsure whether his words would make her feel better or worse about her inability to help. "It was too risky, for you not him." He smiled at her fondly, as she nodded her head in acknowledgement.

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><p>She was standing facing Tom, flicking aimlessly through the boy, who she'd come to know as Harry, medical file, when she heard him beginning to speak "Are you sure you're okay to be doing this?" She drew her eyes away from the notes in front of her to look up at him.<p>

The argument with Dylan, the decision they'd made, still playing heavily on her mind when she opened her mouth to speak - unable to stop the abrupt way she spoke "Why? Because I'm pregnant?" She stared at him, her eyes fixed pointedly on his face waiting on him to attempt to defend himself. Though when he did open his mouth to speak, she found herself determined to speak first: "Sorry." He shook his head softly taking the file from her hands and closing it.

"I didn't mean it like that Sam… I just…" He trailed off, obviously unsure how she would take whatever he was going to say next, she glanced up at him "…you're a bit upset." She nodded, as though confirming the point he made. He took her hand gently "Let's take a break, yeah?" Again, she nodded, this time not trusting herself to speak without tears forming as she realised she'd never be able to explain how much his concern for her had meant.

She let herself be guided into the staffroom and by the clicking of heels on the floor behind her she was aware that Zoe was following them. They'd reached the sink before she'd spun round, staring at Zoe for her interference, before she spoke. "I ruined it all again," she started timidly. "I always ruin it." She bit her lip nervously, before finding herself swept into Zoe's arms as she sobbed into her shoulder. "I'm sorry," she pulled away to look at Zoe, "I'm sorry, I ruined it for you too." She forced herself from the older woman's arms shaking her head, as the woman smiled at her.

Zoe had reached out and grabbed her hand pulling her back towards, and feeling so incredibly vulnerable as she felt herself needing to be wrapped back into her arms. "You never," she heard Zoe began, as she continued to running her hand across her back in a circular motion, talking softly into her hair. "You never ruined it for me and Dylan; he was never mine to lose." The other woman had stated keeping her arms firmly around her, an action she was grateful for.

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><p><strong>Well thank you for reading; <strong>

**so if we can all cross our fingers and maybe I can get the next chapter written before still o'clock next Monday night/Tuesday morning.**

**Annyx**


	18. Chapter 18

**I'm sorry this is a little later than planned, but I've not been feeling 100% this week and decided that I'd much rather sleep on Monday and the words just didn't seem to want to be found. **

**As always, thanks to everyone who has reviewed, it makes me smile knowing that people are still enjoying this.. And hey, maybe it'll prompt me to get the next chapter up on time (no, but seriously, I have no plans to have next update any later than next Tuesday). **

**However, for Callie, Meggi and ficmouse for being themselves and for the insane early hours of the morning conversations and plotting, even if we mutually make each other feel sad, somewhere along the lines of tonight I said I'd get this up before morning.**

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><p>Zoe had left the room in a rush when she'd said her piece, and she had found herself propelled into Tom's arms, suddenly finding herself being rocked back and forth as Tom's arms wrapped around her, holding her in a way she'd wanted to remain for a very long time. "Sorry," she started timidly, looking up at Tom. "For before," she clarified and she watched him carefully as he tried to shrug off her apology, an apology which she knew that she owed him and that he deserved. "I shouldn't have snapped at you. You didn't deserve that," she paused and watched as he nodded in acceptance of her words before she let her head fall against his chest, as her mind travelled back to the situation with little Harry.<p>

She felt her hair tickling her head when Tom began speaking into the top of her head, "You were upset," he'd started. "You're allowed to be upset. You're whole life seems to have been turned upside down," he sighed and she could only nod against his chest unsure what she could even say in response to his words.

"Shouldn't you be getting back?" She questioned as calmly as possibly, determined that he should not see how upset she was over the possibility of being left alone, or indeed how she knew that this particular case was affecting her. He'd nodded in response and she continued prompting him. "Go. They need to know everything and they'll want to transfer him in a minute." She smiled at him sympathetically, aware of how difficult the situation he was walking back into would be, even if Charlie had already informed the parents - she knew that if she was them she'd like to speak to the doctor. He took a hold of her right hand as he stepped away from her, returning her smile, and only let go when he was unable to both hold on to her and walk any further.

She'd considered the possibility that it could've taken longer for Tom to be convinced that she was in a calmer state and she would be fine to left alone, given the outburst she'd aimed in Zoe's direction earlier. Her mind was still reeling from her separation, yet again, from Dylan and the enormity of the upheaval that this would have on her life. She reflected that somewhere in the back of her mind she must have always known that they were never built to last because if she'd had faith in her own relationship she'd have been able to pluck by the courage to end the lease on her flat and begin to plan her future with the boat as her home. If she was being entirely honest with herself she realised that she nor Dylan had ever actively brought up how they were planning on fitting two people, a baby and all the necessary amounts of extra furniture they require, and a dog into a single roomed houseboat. In fact the situation would require nothing more than moving in no more than a year and half because she was almost certain that Dylan's room would accommodate no more than a cot. She sighed wearily and tried to allow her thoughts to see her current situation in a more positive light, however, she was certain that she'd feel both cold and lonely when she curled up in her bed alone later that night.

Instinctively she had moved to follow him from the staff room, but in order to prevent herself from being forced back into the staff room and made to remain there until the situation had been dealt with, she stopped quickly in her tracks. She hated that her pregnancy suddenly made everyone so conscious of her presence and she wasn't sure if she was internally touched or furious for the active interest in her life and her patients that every member of staff seemed to believe they were entitled to now. She'd watched him make it to the door of Paeds Resus before she'd made any active attempt to follow him and she'd reached the door that she was not allowed to cross; Tom's unsettling diagnosis being proven half an hour beforehand, she should know she'd been the one to open the results.

She was also aware that Charlie had taken on the responsibility of relaying the horrific news to baby Harry's parents when she'd sudden decided to take her anguish of situation out on a perfectly sympathetic and supportive Tom and he had forced her from the department, probably with the initial intention of handing her a cup of tea and being able to return to his patient however her own emotional meltdown in Zoe's arms seemed to have altered his decision.

She couldn't deny that she felt horrifically ill as she watched the parents of little Harry understand Tom's words which a sense of complete devastation and she wondered briefly how she'd ever be able to cope in the same situation. She was almost certain that she'd be unable to both ever forgive herself for her child getting ill or ever forgive the doctor who had had to pass the news on to her for destroying her world. She was truly anxious to meet her little baby and perhaps she should have been aware, as a doctor, that even when her baby was born she should assume that all would be perfect. As she raised her hands to rest them against the glass, she was aware of the department becoming suddenly all too clammy, and she was struggling to resist the urge to simultaneously burst into tears and throw up when the little boy stirred in his sleep, waking up to offer his parents a happy smile and a contented giggle.

She was stood against the desk in the middle of the cubicle area, trying to fight the urge to be physically sick, when she decided that she need fresh air. When she reached the door, she stopped using the wall to support herself, as she was overwhelmed with emotions as the image of the giggling child circled her brain. She felt someone grab her arm on the way out, she turned to see Tom standing, concern swimming in his eyes and she let herself be led outside.

They sat in the peace garden in a silence which was only broken every few moments by her distressed sobs, he was trying awkwardly to provide her with some comfort. Tom took his cue to leave, when Zoe approached them, worry written all over her face, and sat down next to her, seemingly asking a question with just a look, because she began speak "There's a little boy in there, who was so happy and he'll probably never be the same again and I'm nearly seven months pregnant, my marriage is over and…" Zoe nodded in understanding, as she took her hand squeezing it tightly.

Zoe glanced at the blonde for a moment, before deciding that she couldn't put her through having to explain "Dylan told me." She wasn't overly surprised when her words just seemed to cause the younger medic further distress and she moved slightly, so she could envelope her a hug, rubbing her back consolingly "It's okay, it's okay, just cry." She remained silent, as she moved a hand up and down the younger woman's back, until she appeared to be unable to cry anymore.

"It wasn't always so difficult." Zoe nodded, not understanding what she was talking about. But she continued: "I really fell for him and I shouldn't have -" She trailed off, as though she had said too much, her eyes wide as she looked at Zoe.

Zoe tried to pick up were the younger woman had stopped, reading between the lines "You were young?" She waited until the blonde nodded before she continued, pressing for more information "Too young?" The blonde shook her head and looked up as if she had something to say.

"I didn't think so, I knew I loved him," she stopped, and Zoe sensing she needed a minute, refrained from saying anything. "Everyone else thought I was though." Zoe nodded, having no idea who was being referred to but it did seem to make things a bit clearer, perhaps now Sam really only did have Dylan.

"We happened before we even realised what was happening, it just changed, there was always something there but he was so detached and I was too naïve to understand that we wouldn't be perfect," She paused briefly, and Zoe had to acknowledge that this half sentence was the most she'd ever learn about either Keogh, she followed Sam's gaze to the water feature and she hadn't even realised the younger medic was speaking again until she was mid sentence. "Emma was angry at me, she never even came to my wedding. I just wanted her to come to the wedding and she wouldn't she said I was being childish, that I'd realise he wasn't worth losing her over." Zoe looked up at her then, understanding the first thing since this conversation began, she held out her hand hoping Sam wound take it.

"Who's Emma?" She hoped as she said the words that Sam hadn't already told her who Emma was.

Her heart went out to her young colleague as she watched her seemingly try to prepare herself to explain what had been going on in her life before she'd arrived at Holby. "She was my sister." She'd stated so simply that Zoe wasn't certain how she was meant to react or how she was in fact meant to understand such a statement.

She looked up at the girl sat next to her, before she spoke again. "Was?"

Sam had shaken her head slowly, as she looked away from her as if hoping that the conversation would be easier if she couldn't see the sympathy that would no doubt appear on Zoe's face, like so many before her. "I've not seen her since I got married," she started. "She told me that it was Dylan or her."

She listened to the younger woman speaking and reached across to take her hand. "What about your parents?"

Sam shook her head sadly, and she squeezed her hand tightly, hoping that her touch would provide her with some sort of comfort. "They were dead by then," she sighed deeply at the younger woman's words and realised with a start that she'd never once heard Sam mention any family and reflected that she should've considered that she might have been alone, with the exception of Dylan.

"When?" She'd asked quietly, fairly certain that she didn't really want to know how long Sam had seemingly been on her own in the world.

"When I was eight," Sam had began quietly. Pausing only momentarily to glance up at her and the n almost as quickly looking away again, seemingly lost in thought. "Then Emma was all I had," her companion clarified. "And she really looked after me. I can sort of see where she was coming from," Sam continued, determinedly and she could only look up at her but couldn't bring herself to find the words to tell her disagreed with what she was saying. "No, after everything she'd done for me, and then I just walked away." The younger doctor stated, succinctly, without bothering to raising her eyes from the ground. "I think I even understand." Sam had continued. "But I really loved," she looked around when she heard the other woman trail off before changing her words slightly and looking up at her sadly. "Love Dylan." She paused again, and as Zoe looked up to see the utterly lost look in her eyes, her heart went out to the younger woman. She sighed as she felt Sam's head fall against her shoulder, and she repositioned herself so she could wrap her arms around her young colleague. "Dylan is still worth losing her over." The simple remark had not what Zoe had been expecting, the fact that Sam appeared to have a chaotic life she decided made perfect sense, it was why she tried to see everything with such a black and white vision, as though she was desperately trying to get a grasp of something normal. Granted, however, she wasn't certain how Dylan fitted that logic - but she was willing to give that up to genuine love.

"How did you meet him?" She had never found the right time to ask either of them the question before.

Sam spoke suddenly and sharply "No." She hadn't been expecting the blonde to refuse to answer - if she was being honest, she'd have expected some sort of vague answer.

"You said, you shouldn't have fallen for him," she tried again, somewhat wearily hoping she wasn't going to lose the trust she seemed to achieved with Sam. When the faintest of ideas hit her, she decided that she would just ask and deal with the consequences later. "He was your mentor, you were his student?" She raised an eyebrow, as she watched the look of panic cross Sam's face, and maybe she just didn't expect it from Dylan - maybe Nick - but Dylan, she wasn't so sure.

"You make it sound worse than it is." She was surprised that the younger doctor had managed to find her voice to defend the situation.

"How old were you?" She pulled out a packet of cigarettes from her pocket, lighting one and deciding that the situation definitely warranted one.

"Twenty two," Sam had begun confidently, before pausing to look away as she continued in a voice no more than a whisper, "almost."

"Could've been worse." She watched as Sam nodded slowly.

"It was me, not him," she'd heard the girl begin yet stopping when she waved her hand after hearing the determination in Sam's voice to defend him.

"It was a long time ago, you don't have to defend him to me, I've done a lot of stupid things in my time." She took the cigarette from her lips, exhaling slowly, as she began to speak trying to provide Sam with some sort of reassurance that their relationship wasn't a problem.

"It was though, and after," She stopped and Zoe glanced up before returning to her cigarette, sensing that now she'd started Sam wanted to continue, whenever she seemed ready to attempt words again. "He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that it wouldn't happen again." She paused again, this time to wipe at a tear which alone had escaped from the pool of unshed ones in her eyes. "Then it did and I knew I was falling in love with him. But he's so detached, he could just blank me when he needed to, that's what hurt so much. He let me think I meant nothing for so long and didn't care because I didn't want to let him go, not yet anyway." Zoe closed her eyes, as she processed the enormity of what Sam had just revealed, opening them again, to Sam's blue eyes staring at her curiously. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing. It always seemed odd, Dylan being married," she began, laughing slightly at how bemusing she had found the concept of Dylan actually getting close enough to another person in order to marry them. "Especially to you, you're just so young." She continued, before she realised that her words may not have salvaged the situation any.

"That's what everyone said," the moment the girl had whispered the words she immediately realised her mistake and grimaced slightly. "They were always acting like what was going on was wrong." She took Sam's hand in her own and squeezed it gently, smiling in sympathy. "I don't understand how it could've been wrong," the younger woman had started, seemingly genuinely confused about why anyone could have had there doubts about her relationship with Dylan. "I was twenty one years old, I wasn't a child." She moved to stand in front of the girl, now that she seemed to be in a less emotional state of mind, and quietly indicated that she was going to head back inside, a suggestion which was met with a small smile and a tiny nod of the head.

Zoe had just stepped back into the car park and turned to look at her younger colleague who seemed to be watching her intently. "You'll be okay?"

"I'll be a minute," the blonde woman had reassured almost at once, leaving her to return to the department and hope that they hadn't been missed.

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><p>Zoe stepped across the department upon seeing the Clinical Lead conversing quietly with Charlie in a corner. She walked to his side, and tilted her upwards when she felt that the conversation being held had ended. "Nick," She waited for a reaction, and had smiled at Charlie as he walked away placing his hand on her arm as he did so. "A word." She expanded.<p>

Seemingly sensing the importance of her need from conversation, he walked quickly, leaving her trail along behind him. "Problem?" He queried as they reached the office door.

"Sam and Dylan," she stated, the moment that the door had been closed behind them. "She's called it off." She glanced at his knowing look and felt she was probably only confirming his suspicions.

"Ok," he spoke quietly before continuing with more concern in his tone. "So we need to keep an eye?"

"Something like that," she agreed calmly, before she turned to leave the room.

"Thanks Zoe," he called after her retreating figure and she turned to share a smile with him.

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><p>When she had finally made her way back into the department, she had done her level best to avoid as many colleagues as possible, however when Sam was standing watching once again little Harry and his parents, who were in conversation with Tom and woman - who she could only assume was a paediatric consultant - she felt someone come to stand by her side. "Hi," she turned to her left at the sound of Linda's Liverpudlian accent and tried to smile at her in response. "You get used to it," Linda had continued when she hadn't responded. "After a while, the paeds cases, when they aren't well." She explained.<p>

Sam looked up at her companion before she tried to formulate how she was planning on wording what she really wanted to know. "Is this," she began becoming overcome by the rapid threatening tears and stopped suddenly, finding herself unable to manage words. She felt herself pulled into the arms of a colleague for the umpteenth time this shift and she let her head rest against Linda's cheek before she considering speaking again. "I don't do this," she began with a slight laugh, wiping at the fallen tears. "I can just get on with things, but now it's like there is something at every turn telling me that something can still go wrong," she stopped talking suddenly, when she felt Linda's grip tightening around her. "I just want to feel like this is safe and after everything this baby will be ok," she continued and stopped when she couldn't decide whether she was willing to disclose this particular part of her and Dylan's history.

She almost jumped in surprise when Linda had patted her shoulder understandingly and murmured words of understanding into her hair before moving so she could see her clearly again. "I know how hard it is," the blonde nurse had begun, turning to face her, sadly in response to her words. "I never thought I'd be able to have a baby either." Linda had continued, causing her to look up in confusion at the choice of words. She was certain that her eyes showed all the alarm she felt, and she could already feeling the guilt she'd be due to experience when Dylan learned that she'd revealed - however unintentionally - that particular difficult part of their married life with the loudest mouth in Holby. "Actually finding out I was pregnant was such a shock," Linda had continued, ignoring her look of alarm and Sam found herself nodding in understanding upon recognising the feeling. She'd been so sure, that afternoon in the toilets that the test would have indicated she wasn't pregnant and in a way she'd been quietly relieved that it'd been positive, despite everything else, because she was certain that she would've been reduced to a sobbing mess in Zoe's arms if she'd had to see the negative result.

"I lost the baby," Linda stated simply, and Sam found her tears prickling at the back of her own eyes for the trauma her colleague had had to experience. "In the end. I thought it was all going so -" the shrill beeping noise cut Linda off mid-sentence and as they both looked through the glass pane, they could see the frantic attempt both Tom and the other doctor along with a team of nurse seemed to be making on little Harry's life.

She felt like she might throw up, yet at the same time she could feel numbness setting in as she found herself being wrapped more tightly in Linda's arms. "Let's go somewhere else," She'd heard the words spoken into her hair and found herself instinctively shaking her head, feeling unable to leave without knowing little Harry's fate. She was still doctor, and she'd been the one to open his results she knew herself how poorly he was. She knew his chances of surviving the night were slim, but she'd rather hoped he could have at least made it out of the department to a much more peaceful environment. Her own chest tightened when all movement ceased within the small room, and she watched as all those in the vicinity seemed to nod in the direction of the female doctor and she'd spoken words Sam couldn't hear but she'd known what they were. She raised her hand to brush at her own tears and cuddled herself tightly into Linda's chest, suddenly feeling grateful for the nurse's presence by her side, before she felt herself being guided away.

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><p><strong>Again, I am sorry about the lateness of this, but Linda didn't want to speak - and she really had to get us to this point. <strong>

**However, thank you for reading. **

**Anny x **


	19. Chapter 19

**So, Tuesday..** **thanks to those who have reviewed and the story alerts of this week too. However special mention to Callie & ficmouse for insane plotlines and ridiculous conversation at ridiculous times in the morning, and a small mention just despite writing this in the middle of a fairly odd conversation it managed to avoid going going that particular path, thankfully. And of course to Meggi for being her lovely self,**

**Apparently this got a bit intense about 2am..**

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><p>She knew that Linda had all but handed her and a mug of lukewarm tea into Dylan's arms in CDU and Zoe had calmly ushered them from the department, after what she could only assume was a spectacular breakdown in the staff room. She could vividly remember the Liverpudlian nurse scooping her into her arms as she'd sobbed when her trembling hands had knocked a mug to floor smashing it into countless little pieces of china. She'd been unable then, and even now, to explain why that the simple act of a mug smashing had reduced her to the state which she'd found herself in. Zoe had sympathetically offered her the reasoning that the stressful and eventful day she'd experienced had rather a lot to do with her incomprehensible upset.<p>

Her tears were the reason for them finding themselves sat on the stairs to Dylan's boat; neither speaking and neither moving, as she tried to find the words to express how she was actually feeling. She'd been stunned that Dylan had asked her anything which would have warranted this much of a highly emotional and personal answer; she wondered briefly whether or not her husband would even have been to deal with the words when she'd chosen them.

She considered momentarily that she has never felt that Dylan had ever let her down but in this moment, she felt that she'd let him down, for being unable to cope with the pressure that living with him entailed. The acknowledgment in her own mind had been difficult enough for her to bear and she'd silently debated and concluded that she would much rather keep that particular realisation to herself and she'd simply shaken her head in response to Dylan's query and began to pick herself up from the ground silently hoping that her companion would follow suit and that she'd be allowed to begin to repack without much discuss in a desperate hope that it may curtail the likelihood of another wave of already barely restrained tears washing down her cheeks.

She almost sighed in relief when Dylan got to his feet before her and was able to offer her a hand to her own feet, now that she was aware the very slight added weight that pregnancy had so far inflicted upon her and that she wasn't just quite as capable of judging the effort she now had to use just to raise herself from her seated position on the steps. The recent development of such had left her feeling rather conflicted, the sudden restrictions on her life had irritated her somewhat but her reflection had always left her feeling rather secure when she could see the proof that her baby was growing healthily.

The emotions circling her mind caught up with her the minute they stepped over the doorway and she tried determinedly not to breakdown, but she stopped in the hallway dropping her bag to her feet when she felt Dylan wrap his arms around her stomach, pulling her against him, so her back rested against his chest. She reflected, that despite the fact that she and Dylan had shared the hallway often since her move back to the boat, this was the closest to the same situation she'd found herself in when she'd closed the door behind herself on the night their child had been conceived. She barely recognised her actions that night as her own but she clearly identified them as the play for her husband's attention of which they had been intended. She had often wondered whether or not she would have acted as recklessly had it not been Dylan who had offered her a helping hand home; it had always been with a sense of sadness that she found herself having to acknowledge that she was unaware if it was love for the man she'd married or a desperate attempt to have the comfort of someone else's arms around her that had led her to Dylan's bed that night.

She recollected the horrible moment when he'd simply stepped backwards and out of her reach in order to prevent her desperate feelings being acted upon. She knew that she had all but pleaded with him over the circumstances and he'd been reluctant to allow her intentions to advance any further; a reluctance which he had voiced in his usual blunt way and very unexpectedly had reduced her to tears in the hall way as she desperately fought with the lock in attempt to remove herself from the horrific situation. He'd pulled her from the door and as she basked in the contentment of his hands being back on her arms, she recalled reached her hand out to caress his cheek and gently turning his face towards hers once again, and had been quietly relived when he'd responded to her tender kiss.

She felt herself attempt to bury her head further into his chest, as they stood motionless and wordless in the hallway, when she closed her eyes recalling how she'd pulled him towards their own bedroom. She'd paused momentarily when she could get no further into the room and had stumbled before she had allowed herself to fall down onto the bed pulling him atop her, and she was fighting with his shirt buttons when he opted to speak again, this time in query to how she was classifying the situation that they now found themselves in, she recalled calmly informing him that she needed the comfort of the familiarity of his hands holding her, of the connection that despite all that had happened between them, and in fact between herself and another man, they both knew they still shared. She'd barely taken her attention from his buttons when she replied, as though it was known fact she was stating, and she barely restrained her smirk when he tugged at the zip of her top before moving to let her shrug out of it and it was Dylan who had tugged her more securely onto the bed, before pressing a kiss to the corner of her mouth and allowing their lips to crash together once more.

She felt herself being shaken, and opened her eyes to find Dylan's concerned gaze looking at her as she tilted her head upwards. She tried to offer him a smile, but she realised she hadn't quite managed when she saw the worry flit through his eyes and she heard him speak quietly against her hair as she was once again pulled against him and tighter into his arms. "Move out tomorrow night." She felt herself nodding against his chest, she moved forwards towards the sitting room, and allowed herself to collapse gratefully onto the sofa still wrapped in Dylan's protective arms.

He barely moved, only doing so to rest one hand against her barely there bump and it allowed her to breathe in his familiar scent, as she choked back the sob that had been threatening to escape her since she'd left CDU. She'd bit at her lower lip and squeezed her eyes tightly shut, but the murmur of consoling words which had left Dylan's lips had proved all too much and she'd dropped her head to the crook of his neck and cried quietly as she felt his strong grip tighten around her.

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><p>She'd gasped and almost jumped in fright when she felt a sudden movement from her child, yet as she'd raised her gaze to meet Dylan's she felt her heart flutter happily at the contented look the movement had caused to be present across his face and she'd not been able to find appropriate words. However, if the kisses he had pressed to her head, nose and then lips, were anything to go by she was certain that the tender acts were an acknowledgement of her usually blunt speaking husband not having words of his own to say either. She moved one hand down to her stomach and allowed their fingers to lock as they rested there, in truth never wanting the moment to be over, but she was painfully aware she was going to have to start a particularly heart breaking conversation with Dylan over where they both stood with each other, following her own impulsive decision just that morning, though given the events of the day seemed like a life time ago.<p>

It had taken her a few moments to allow herself to find the correct words, and she was painfully aware that the conversation would more likely travel to one which should have happened many months before, one which she'd been actively avoiding because she simply couldn't find the words Dylan would ask to hear and excuse her behaviour when they'd been separated by many miles. "It's not because I've stopped loving you," she said simply, shocking herself by thinking aloud, however the moment the words were hanging in the air between them she realised just how true they were and made to continue. "It's because I still do. And I want to still be able to in a few years," she explained softly, unable to read the look in his eyes as he listened to her words. "I don't want to have this baby being stuck in the middle of warring parents." She concluded, feeling an overwhelming need to remain silent - despite how uncomfortable she knew it would make her if Dylan never reacted to her words.

She felt her eyes closing sleepily against his shoulder, when he seemed to find the words. "Did you ever love him?" Her eyes had snapped open at the enormity and bluntness of his words and she suddenly felt very light headed, as she tried to speak and found herself shaking her head frantically. She knew her response was pitiful and as she looked up at her husband she could see all the doubt he was feeling, and knew then that she'd have to find the words to explain why are her night with her colleague had happened as it had. She knew in her heart the night that she'd spent in a bed which wasn't her own, had not happened because she'd found herself attracted to the man who had been her friend before this one night had changed everything between them, though she could not deny that he was attractive.

While she'd known that eventually they would have to return to the conversation that may have happened only once before, but it had happened over the phone when they'd been miles apart and she'd always known that she'd have to have this conversation face to face with. The thought of having to explain how it had happened that she'd fallen into bed with another man alone had been mortifying, but now she was having to go through with the conversation, she wasn't certain exactly how she felt. "I don't love him," she began timidly, averting her gaze from her husband to the floor. "I never loved Ian." She concluded in a rush, unable to trail her gaze from where it had locked on the carpet when Dylan's question had forced her to recount her less than innocent night with her closest colleague.

"But you still slept with him," he countered quietly, and she could only nod in reply feeling the same guilt that had overwhelmed her the moment the intimacy between herself and Ian had been over, in that moment. She was certain that it was tears of guilt which had washed down her face then, as much as it was now.

"I wanted you to hold me," she'd begun softly, before realising with horror how her words had made it sound as though she was blaming his lack of being in Afghanistan for the destruction and betrayal of the wedding vows she had made so sincerely. "I wished you were there to hold me," she attempted again, still reluctant to look at the man who she had betrayed while she explain how the betrayal itself had been conceived. "There'd been a bombing at a school and there were all these children," she began, only pausing to allow herself the steadying breath that she had desperately needed before she could continue. "And Dylan, there was nothing I or anyone else could do," she was grateful for the silent support that being held tighter had offered particularly when she knew that he must have known she was about to admit to having sex with another man in order to lessen the feeling of guilt and pain that the scene had provoked.

"I phoned," she began and when she did finally look up towards him she recognised the confusion in his eyes. "I know I never phoned often but that night I needed to hear your voice." She shook her head weakly, trying to convey that she didn't believe he had to be sporting the look of guilt that he currently was. "You weren't in, you might have been working or walking Dervla." He nodded in acknowledgment and she continued. "Anyway it didn't matter, I was so excited about hearing your voice that I was too scared to try again and be disappointed again." She concluded. "I decided to go back to my room," she began once again, realising that was slowly approaching dangerous territory and that she'd have to go there now she'd started. "Ian knocked the door when I was crying and he kept knocking the door so I had to get up and go to him." It was only now as she said the words she realised that had she remained crying alone in bed that the horrible chapter in her marriage need not have happened. "I followed him because he was holding me and I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted someone to take it all away." She seemed to justify, without really meaning to justify such a betrayal. "And he did. He took it all away for a few minutes."

She felt her eyes once again drop to the ground as she recollected the moment where she'd realised quite what had happened, and had been unable to recall how or when she'd gotten to Ian's bed. She realised then that the only clear memory following her leaving her own room and being violently sick in the toilets at two in the morning, had been Ian rolling from atop her to lie beside her and the sudden realisation that in a haze of grief it had all been over and she was completely unaware what she was going to tell her husband. She'd spent almost three hours letting tears roll down her cheeks and throwing up, as though she believed that it would rid her from guilt that she was feeling, before she'd made the tearful phone call to half sleeping Dylan and began to sob her apologies down the phone before she'd even confessed just what she had done to betray him.

"Stop it." She almost jumped in alarm when she heard Dylan's words, and the harsh tone in which he'd spoken had pained her so much she'd allowed tears to spill from behind her closed eyelids. "Sam," he began again. "Stop it. Stop torturing yourself." She looked up at the mention of her name and she'd seen concern swimming in Dylan's eyes, however it was only when she become fully focussed on her surroundings and not her memories she became aware of just how nauseous she felt. She'd stood shakily, much to the confusion of Dylan, when she knew that the urge to be sick was going to overpower her; yet her husband had followed her regardless and had been there to rub the small of her back when she'd stopped to rest her head against the hallway wall when she felt her stomach swirl horribly.

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><p>She was sat with her head resting against the coolness of the tiled bathroom wall when Dylan returned, glass of water in his hands and Dervla by his ankles. He'd placed the glass down momentarily and help her into standing position before picking it back up and walking both herself and their dog back in the direction of his sitting room. He'd settled her back down against his chest and she'd spent a minute or two sipping at the water, before she'd placed the glass on the low table by her side and she felt herself being drawn tightly into his arms and it was in that instant that she was unable to prevent the tears from pouring down her cheeks and she'd cried into his chest for the longest time, and by the time she'd been able to look back up at him she was certain that she could cry no more, despite the conversation she was about to attempt with him.<p>

"Me and this baby were the reason you and Zoe couldn't be happy," she started seemingly much to the confusion of her spouse, and she found herself eager to continue with this particular train of thought before she found actually saying the words far too much to bear. "And I never wanted that to happen Dylan," she continued despite the difficulties she was having in the thoughts of being accepting and able to cope with her estranged husband new entanglement with her own colleague. "I never wanted to be the reason that you stopped being happy," she found that due to her desire to offer her blessing to the union of Dylan and Zoe the words seemed to spill from her lips regardless of how she felt. "That's why I never told you." She acknowledged suddenly, and as she spoke the words aloud she realised that she had finally located what notion had provoked her unconscious desire to hide her pregnancy, and then the parentage of the baby she was carrying from the man who had more right than anyone else to do. "I never wanted you to feel duty-bound; I never wanted you feel tied to me." She concluded solemnly, finding herself looking away from him, fearful of seeing relief in his eyes now he'd been told that he could depart from her life.

Upon the lack of response from her companion she found herself continuing determinedly to reveal any secret that had been kept between, for reason unknown she reflected when she found herself referencing the crash in which she was certain Dylan had died and she was relieved that he acknowledged the memory. "If the crash had have happened, I'd probably still be lying about the baby," she began in reluctance. "I told Lenny, because he was nice to me." She continued feeling a sense of dread now that she started with this particular revelation and only proceeded upon recalling that the man she seemed to be confessing to had been in a very real relationship with her senior colleague at the time of the incident and he could hold no objections. "I kissed him, and then I told him I was having your baby. I don't even know why I do the things I do." She ranted in rushed tones, letting her head fall back against Dylan's chest and herself take a deep breath, while she waited a response that she doubted was coming.

"Sam," she heard the exasperation in his tone when he said her name and calmly prepared herself for all that had just been said to be dismissed by one word - if any acknowledgement at all. "Let's just go to bed, you're exhausted." He'd stated calmly, and despite her words not being acknowledged, she'd been unable to dispute his claims and realised that she had no legitimate reason to insist that they stayed up and spoke about all the problems that they'd previously encountered in their relationship.

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><p>They lay fighting exhaustion from the emotionally tiring day, her hands around his upper arm and head on his chest; when he felt the tears leak slowly down her cheeks meet his chest and he looked up at her to brush the wetness from her cheeks and pressed a simply kiss to forehead as he considered all the talking that his wife who was usually as uncommunicative as himself had seemingly done to both himself and others. Upon thinking of how confused she must've felt he had established that the tears he had been determinedly not to cry in front of her, for fear of upsetting her further, were rapidly building in his eyes and her allowed them silently to escape his eyes.<p>

She had glanced up, concern all across her tired features when he'd choked back a sob, and pulled herself into an more upright position, bringing her arm up to rest her head upon. She brushed at the tears on his face, in an act which seemed to only bring more to her own eyes. He took the arm which was supporting her, causing her to fall back against his chest, before she stretched up to capture his lips with hers and he found himself manoeuvring them both in order find a more comfortable position. The kiss that they'd shared had been with an urgency and passion that he'd been unable to comprehend and he almost been stunned when Sam had simply pressed her lips lightly against his and rested her head back down onto his should as she moved her hand to tangle her fingers through his.

He considered with a hint of sadness when he felt her breathing even out against his neck that she'd never fallen asleep so close to him as she currently was, and he glanced down to where their fingers were still intertwined and sighed sleepily, before letting his free hand pull the duvet around them and dropping his hand to rest against her rapidly forming bump.

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><p><strong>Again, reviews of any kind do make me smile; however, thank you for reading..<strong>

**Annyx**


	20. Chapter 20

**Firstly, I apologise for quite how late this chapter is... it's not really been working the past few weeks at all, and I'm not sure why, however after the plot dramatically changed direction on Tuesday I'm rather hoping that I'll be able to get back into the story line. **

**However, thank you to those who reviewed or favourited/story alerted this week, that was particularly encouraging, when I just wasn't quite sure how I felt about it. **

**Also, a huge thanks to Callie and ficmouse for being rather supportive - while we each upset ourselves and each other with heart breaking plots; and to Meggi for being her lovely self. **

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><p>Noel noted around three in the afternoon that it was exceptionally quiet for a Saturday in a city ED, quiet to the extent that the usually rushed off his feet, by this stage in their shift, porter had been leaning against the reception desk for the best part of an hour while they'd idly flicked through the television channels, without Mr Jordan or Charlie there to reprimand them or to return the screen to it's usual welcome message. Though when they'd found themselves unable to settle on an appropriate programme, the channel flicking had recommenced and the only raised eyebrows had been from an irate Dr Keogh, who'd been making the journey from Resus to his usual post in CDU. Noel considered that the doctor's mood had been worsened not only by the fact that his wife, the mother of his child, had suddenly called time on their short lived reunion some six days previously; but he rather suspected that the altercation he'd witnessed in reception the day previous, which had left Sam close to tears as she left the department hurriedly had some bearing on the doctor's current mood.<p>

It was at some point during thoughts of that particularly incident, he'd found that Big Mac was trying to regain his attention, and when he was pulled back to reality he was stunned to see the chaos which appeared to be occurring on the news channel which he'd left the television set on, as he was pulled in to his memories of the previous day. From what he could see the fighting of what seemed to be of masses of people seemed to stem from the football match that had been taking place that afternoon, where he was as of yet unsure. However, he noticed that Big Mac was as transfixed as himself by the complete destruction which appeared to be taking place on front of their eyes, albeit on the screen. Yet, their interest was only further peaked and then shifted to feelings of alarm when the news reporter had calmly stated that the events were occurring in Holby. Those words alone were enough for it to be known that their quiet Saturday morning was about to be turned into the Saturday afternoon from hell.

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><p>Sam had found herself curled up, by Linda's side on the sofa, watching her husband's almost still form as he waited on the kettle to boil, when she was suddenly pulled from her thoughts of the previous weeks she'd experienced, by the arrival of the cheerful porter. The sing song Welsh accent of the porter who has spent his morning leaning against the reception desk, chatting idly with Noel as they flicked through the TV channels, on what appeared to be a rather quiet Saturday afternoon, travelled through to the staff room before he'd even entered the room. Upon his rather excitably arrival, she's found herself pulling herself into seated position and tried to ignore the mild discomfort in the abdomen, only realising that she'd been less than successful in her task when she'd gasped in pain and Linda had begun to rub at her lower back in an act she perceived as trying to be helpful. Unusually for Linda the entire scene had been discreet and with a small smile she'd been able to halt Linda's movement and settle down, yet she found herself instinctively leaning into Linda as Lenny had sat down at her other side smiling at the blonde nurse as he did so. As she noticed the small tug of Lenny's lips she found herself biting at her own, in an effort to prevent the smile she could feeling trying to form in amusement at Lenny's than subtle feelings for the nurse to her left.<p>

She'd noticed shortly afterwards that Big Mac's rushed arrival in the room had peaked even Dylan's interest and that her husband was standing looking interestedly, much like the rest of the room, towards the porter - who looked both vaguely proud of himself and equally startled. "Riots," his Welsh accent had stated quickly, in a word which had caused the eyebrows of their Clinical Lead to raise as if he was either unsure of his belief in Bag Mac's word or that he required more information. She believed that the porter had assumed the latter as he continued. "At a football match. It's on the news it looks quite serious." He concluded clearly and his words had caused all those present in the staff room to sigh at the thought of the disruption to their otherwise un-ordinarily peaceful shift.

The news had caused the majority of the disgruntled staff to remove themselves from the room and make their way back to the main department in order to prepare the department for what was apparently going to be more casualties than they had been expected that morning. She had picked herself from the sofa cautiously carefully of the small cramping pains she'd been warned off and was just about to leave the room, when she felt Lenny pull her arm and keep her in the room, while the remainder of their colleagues left before turning her so that he was looking straight at her. "Are you in pain?"

She'd refused to meet his gaze when she replied, aware that lying would be futile, she simply, shrugged out of his grasps on her shoulders and spoke softly. "Nothing that I wasn't warned about," she replied simply. "I'll be fine Lenny, stop fussing." She finished softly, managing to give her concerned looking colleague a small smile and sincerely hoped that he would understand from it that she did appreciate the unwavering support he seemed to be giving her.

She watched as he only turned from her briefly before he turned back to her and in that instant she knew that she was not done with the conversation; that she was going to be forced to answer question that she was certain she'd rather not answer. "He does know about yesterday, doesn't he?" Lenny had queried softly and before she had had any time to even form an answer in her mind he'd added pointedly. "Dylan." She could only bring herself to nod softly in acknowledgement of his words and found herself feeling the need to sit back on the sofa, rather than conduct this conversation stood in the middle of the staff room.

"They phoned him," she started wearily, feeling herself beginning to find the difficulty in explain how the previous day had went in spite of her reassure a concerned consultant that she was more than fine to go through with the procedure on her own. "He was busy." She confirmed softly and tried to look away from the pity in Lenny's eyes as he seemed to understand how alone she'd felt without her having to tell him. Despite all of that she couldn't bring herself to feel pitied in anyway and found herself staring at the floor as she spoke. "I didn't mind." She'd countered, and suddenly felt Lenny's hand rest under her chin pulling her face to look at him, as if he had wanted to see if she was lying.

She turned her head harshly, pulling away from the scrutiny of his gaze and hoping that she wasn't able to see just how frightened she'd been the previous day - let alone how frightened she remained. When she'd first learnt that a blood transfusion would have been necessary, she'd been reasonably sure and somewhat pacified by the little likelihood of a repeat experience. Yet that first time, they'd even managed to have Dylan by her side, as she underwent the slightly uncomfortable procedure, the discomfort, she considered, was a very small price to pay for a healthy baby.

Her mind was pulled from her thoughts of her terror when she'd been told that in order to ensure her tiny baby's survival they would have to go through with a blood transfusion; the assurances that anaemia was slight and the confirmation that hydrops was unlikely, had relieved her more than anything previously had, suddenly by her companion speaking. "And now?"

She sighed wearily and turned back to Lenny when she spoke. "I'm alright," she began hoping that she sounded more confidant than she felt. "I just wish he'd asked how it went," she may as well have whispered she'd spoken so quietly, half hoping that he would perhaps not hear her sudden confession.

"Have you spoken to him today?" Lenny had queried quietly as he reached over to take her hand, once again showing her some sort of silent support.

"It's like he's been avoiding me since I moved back into the flat," she found her speaking suddenly, unsure why she'd felt the need to share that particular insecurity with anyone, let alone in her work place of all places. As she seen the pity in Lenny's eyes she felt she had to continue with her explanation, hoping that somehow she'd be able to assure him that she really wasn't feeling quite as vulnerable as she'd previously sounded. "I mean I know I told him that he'd to move on, but I thought he'd at least care for the baby." She concluded sharply, physically shaking her head to rid the images of Dylan curled up with Dervla and Zoe, not her, in spite of her previous reassurance to the man himself that she'd have no issues with a reunion between himself and her senior colleague.

"I told him why I slept with another man," she continued in a complete rush and she was almost certain that she had no idea why she was even admitting her best regret to someone who had no idea that such a betrayal had been made. "I think I even tried to justify it." She whispered, suddenly feeling just as angry at herself as she had fourteen months previously. "It shouldn't be justified, no matter how little I remember and how much I don't even know how I ended up in his bed," she all but spat the words out, realising that when she still thought of the night were she'd thrown all the trust that Dylan put in her aware in a matter of minutes, she could feel every moment of Ian's hands on her bare skin. "It shouldn't be justified." She concluded softly, and shrugged off Lenny's hands from her as he seemed intent on providing her with some sort of comfort.

"Sam," her companion had begun in a tone not unlike Dylan's own when he had recognised the signs of her mentally beating herself up, however she reflected sadly that Dylan had know her well enough because within moments she was sat on the cool floor of the bathroom, having made herself physically sick with thoughts of the betrayal she had committed. "Stop it." She found herself only able to nod, and as she moved closer in order to rest her head against Lenny's shoulder, she found her confidant's attention being drawn to the sight occurring just outside the window between their Clinical Lead and the female Superintendent whose presence within the department was becoming increasingly regular.

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><p>Nick Jordan found himself pulled from watching the seemingly friendly and comforting situation that was occurring in the staff room between Sam and her unusually chosen confidante of Dr Lyons by the very sudden arrival of an less than pleased looking Yvonne Rippon. "Nick," she'd began purposefully and it was upon hearing his name he looked up to see her properly and he then noticed the uniform which took the place of her usual blouse and suit combination. However it seemed the woman herself had not even noticed his double take at her uniform and had continued speaking in a pointed manner, though the rush of her words indicated that she seemed to have made this detour from her intended destination with the idea of it being nothing more than a flying visit. "I'm on my way to a press conference," she began, immediately explaining her outfit. "However, word of warning, we're unsure of the number of casualties however what had originally been thought of as a brawl quick descended into a stabbings and beatings with heavy objects." He heard her explain coherently with dismay at the severity of some of the wounds and injuries that his staff would be required to treat. "You're the nearest receiving hospital so I just popped in to give you the heads up, really." She concluded, yet remained looking at him expectantly.<p>

He found himself sighing wearily and shook his head at a situation which would have been hilarious had it not been quite so serious and quite so impacting on his own department. He recounted the news which the Superintendent had brought with her informing him that he was likely to have injures of varying degrees sustained from blows him fists, bats and he'd been assured knives, when the conflict following a supposedly friendly game of football had truly gotten out of control. While he considered that this news alone was enough to stretch his department he'd yet to take the fact that many, if not most, of those involved in whatever capacity would more than likely to have been drinking heavily since much earlier in the day and therefore he considered that he'd also be dealing with a department overrun with drunken patients and rather likely equally drunken visitors.

He knew that his thoughts had drifted from the senior police woman currently stood in front of him and he'd become so entirely focussed on decided where his staff would be best allocated when the first of the casualties made themselves known, which he did not doubt would be momentarily. Now with thoughts of staff allocation running through his mind he had quickly established that his main concern was that of the vulnerable Dr Nicholls, not that - he considered - she'd thank him for calling her vulnerable, when he found himself undecided on whether she'd be in less danger with unconscious and semi-conscious patients with more severe injuries in the pressured situations that Resus would likely to involve, or indeed if she'd be better suited to minor injures where patients were likely to be conscious and much more likely to be confrontational. He briefly considered that this was a situation that he would seek Charlie's opinion on.

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><p>Dylan was standing stirring the second cup of coffee he had made that day, when Sam walked into the staff room. He knew, whether it was due to years of marriage to the woman herself or if it was based on his medical knowledge, that she was looking fairly worn out and peaky. His belief turned to an almost certainty of that when she seemed to drag herself over to the sofa and curl up with a cushion in her lap in a matter of seconds. He'd probably never admit it aloud, and least of all to Samantha herself, but she had been on his mind all night; she would have been regardless of the phone call he'd received from her consultant earlier that day or not.<p>

"Samantha," he turned back to his coffee making activities as he spoke, however, on receiving no response was forced to turn back round and face his exhausted looking wife, who if he was correct seemed to be in some sort of discomfort judging by the awkward way she was holding her hand to stomach and take steady deep breathes. "Are you alright?" He asked tentatively unsure of the reaction that, that question could provoke in a fierily independent Sam.

"Fine," she stated tersely as she pulled herself further backwards on to the sofa, before closing her eyes sleepily and rested her head on the arm the sofa.

He glanced over at her in concern as she fought to keep at least one open. "Should you be working?" He asked softly, recalling the hours she'd spent curled up on the sofa asleep when she'd went through the same procedure, little under a month before, and tried to word his next statement carefully before he angered her further. "You were a little unsteady after the last time," he stated gently, walking across the room to stand at her side.

As her eyes flicked open at his presence he watched her for any reaction carefully. "Dylan," it had taken her few moments to find her voice, however when she did he heard the warning there, the sign that he was stepping on dangerous territory and that already knew that she would be immediate in attempting to convince him that she was fine.

"Okay, okay." He stated in resignation. "I know, you're fine." He said, raising his hands as he found himself walking backwards back towards the kitchen area towards his still sitting coffee mug. "Can I make the tea?" He questioned softly, and he looked back at Sam and noticed the vaguest hint of a smile on her face as she nodded her head softly in agreement to the offer of tea. "Why didn't you say you needed me?" He said as he busied himself looking in the cupboard for the teabags he'd never used.

"You were busy," she said softly repeating the words of the consultant the previous day.

He turned round quickly, after putting a teabag into the mug and letting the kettle re-boil, before he spoke quietly, hoping that she'd hear his words and above that believe them. "If you needed me, I'd have left."

"Really?" He'd heard her softly spoken reply and found himself unable to answer at the thought he'd some how convinced his young wife that he was heartless enough to leave her to go through any sort of procedure alone, never mind one which was being carried out in order to safe their unborn child's life. He turned himself back around to the kitchen and focussed on busying himself with the kettle rather than Sam's saddened expression at his own lack of response. He wasn't sure if it was knowledge of what he'd lost, though why he still wasn't entirely sure, or something else that had prompted him to hand Sam her mug and quickly leave the room.

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><p>Zoe had suspected that the words said behind the closed staff room door had been intense when she'd noticed a teary-eyed Sam emerge from the room about ten minutes after an irate Dylan, and then promptly thrown herself into several patients, seemingly to take her mind from what looked like an altercation. However she could help but realise that the girl had been absent from the department for some time and a quick glance confirmed that she hadn't taken up refuge in the staff room and with that thought she found herself heading to the only place where Sam was guaranteed peace from Dylan. She pushed the toilet doors open to see her younger colleague stood leaning heavily against the cubicle door, her complexion ashen as she turned slowly to identify who had joined her.<p>

"Sam," she began, hoping to hold the ill looking woman's attention, yet upon receiving no reply from the girl she continued slowly. "Sam?" She queried softly from the doorway before stepping further into the room, and moving to her side. "Are you alright?" She spoke tentatively as the younger doctor turned to look at her and Zoe considered that she was possibly looking as ill as she was feeling when the girls swayed subtly on her feet and had hurriedly grabbed at the partition between cubicles and moved hurriedly to rest against it once again.

"Sorry," she heard Sam murmur and she moved to stand in the cubicle giving the girl her full attention. However, when she reached out to touch her arm Sam's eyes snapped open suddenly and the girl had said her next words in a rush. "I'll be out in a minute."

The older medic had were quickly found herself staring at her fragile looking colleague and felt a sudden overwhelming urge to remain by her side until she was completely certain that all was well with Sam. Everything okay?" She questioned softly, moving to join the woman who had slipped down the side of the cubicle and repositioned herself on the floor hugging her knees to her chest, as her forehead rested atop watched as the girl in front of her raised her head slightly and seemed to take a deep breath before she was able to answer her. "Just felt a bit sick,"

She could sense the need that Sam had to appeared fine to all around her was beginning to fight its way to the front of her mind and spoke quickly before she could dismiss her sudden illness as irrelevant. "I thought that had passed?"

"They said that it could happen," Sam had stated softly before seemingly deciding that she need not give any further information.

"They?" Zoe had found herself questioning the nervous girl, completely unaware of what she had been told about the health of her child when she'd been subjected to numerous appointments and consultations in the two weeks that she was not at work due to Nick thinking that Sam working during that time would have simply been far too stressful for the girl to have even begun to focus on her patients.

"Um, yeah, I had that check up yesterday," she'd heard her colleague begin and found herself nodding in agreement having known that the girl had left the department at lunch time to attend a pre-scheduled appointment with her consultant. Her main source of this information had stemmed from the rather bad tempered Dr Keogh, who had been tied up in an urgent case and had been unable to accompany her and had then spent the remainder of his shift taking his anger out on all those around him. "They gave the baby another blood transfusion," Sam had continued calmly, and she considered the abject horror which she'd felt was not etched across her face as the girl seemed oblivious of it. "Just to be on the safe side." The girl had concluded as though she was simply stating a fact, before moving to the sink to splash her face with cold water.

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><p><strong>Thank you for reading; feel free to review and let me know what you thought.<strong>

**The next chapter will be up as soon as I can get it ready for, possibly (but I'm going to make no promises) on Tuesday.**

**Annyx **


	21. Chapter 21

**So, yes, it's been a while & I can only apologise for that because I really do have no reason - and there was a much larger gap than I ever anticipated ; so if you are still reading this thank you for bearing with me. I'm rather hoping that'll I'll be back to more frequent updates & never to leave such a gap again. The plot has changed itself at least twice since I did last update - which was over two months ago now. **

**So, to the people - via PM - who I quite clearly lied to when I told them of my intentions to update - I do apologise, but whatever I said in response that really was my intention at the time. **

**Thank you to all those who have been reviewing. And to Callie who has seen me through many a strop about this update and ever changing plots; ficmouse & Meggi, for being their lovely selves - this one is certainly for you! **

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><p>She'd left the toilets only moments after Zoe, however she'd found that the older medic had waited on her at the door to accompany her back to the department, they had walked in complete silence and she had no idea how she was going to start a conversation with the woman without it drifting back to complications she had been experiencing throughout her pregnancy. However as she considered the implications of a conversation with Zoe, her mind reached those places and she suddenly had the overwhelming need to escape from the gaze of the older doctor, even just for a few seconds so that she was able to regain control over the emotions which were threatening to expose her true feelings.<p>

She stopped walking suddenly, raising an arm to wipe away currently non-existent tears yet as she did so she heard the gentle voice of Zoe, as her colleague seemed to walk back towards her having realised she was no longer by her side. "Feeling alright?" She blinked a few times unsure of the answer to Zoe's question, before turning to face the older woman and nodded her head softly.

"Why wouldn't I be?" She heard herself begin, unsure where the words had come from. "I'm fine." She concluded before realising that her words seemed a little less convincing than she would have liked upon noting the look of disbelief on Zoe's face.

She found herself quickly walking away from her colleague and continuing on her original path to the staff room, however within seconds she heard the scurry of Zoe's high heeled shoes hitting of the floor as she rushed to her side once again, speaking all the while. "I know you've got this need to appear fine and in control," she had begun, "but Sam, in all fairness, at the moment no one would blame you for needing a break. You're bound to be feeling a little overwhelmed by everything that's been going on." Zoe stopped suddenly, and with the ceasing of her words, turning once again to face her, and while she had no idea quite how she was going to respond to the truth in the statement which had been put to her.

She turned quickly, looking away from Zoe as she considered what she could possibly say however, in spite of what she was feeling she couldn't bring herself to admit that she would like nothing more than to be cuddled up beside Dylan and have a little nap. "I'm fine," she began quietly, and upon seeing the look of complete disbelief on Zoe's face she found herself continuing softly. "I promise if I need a break, if I don't feel great I will take a break." She paused rather hoping that she wasn't going to have to beg Zoe to let her stay at work, but given that she was reluctant to return to her empty flat and be offered no comfort she was aware that she would probably do just that. She noted that it was with reluctance of her own which Zoe had nodded softly in agreement before placing a hand on her back and leading her gently towards the staff room.

The overwhelming sense of claustrophobia occurred the moment Zoe had opened the staff room door, and as the older doctor stepped into the room moving purposefully towards the work top near the kettle in order to pour herself a coffee, Sam found herself shuffling nervously before stepping into the room herself. The dark terrified her and on occasion she found that she could be fearful of small spaces yet she was uncertain why she was now combining the familiar feelings of panic those situations brought with her current location. She was completely certain that she could feel the eyes of every person in the room on her as she stepped across the carpet coming to a halt by Tom's side slipping herself into the small space between him and the lockers. She felt grateful when he obviously recognised the fear in her and failed to vocalise his thoughts even when she shifted a little closer to his side before glancing up at him, feeling Tom wrap an arm around her back and snuggle her into his side for the briefest of moments before he released her and she smiled up at him in thanks.

It was only when she felt the back of Tom's hand come to rest discreetly on her forehead for a moment, as he raised his eyebrows in question towards her, she was suddenly snapped back to reality and realised that she'd completely zoned out. However try as she might she found herself unable to she could not fully focus her attention on whatever that Nick Jordan was trying to explain, rather animatedly she assumed from the way in which his arms were gesturing wildly around the room. "You're okay with that, Sam?" She found herself drawn quickly into the conversation by mention of her name and returned her attention to her Clinical Lead before nodding instinctively in agreement, unsure of even what she was agreeing to. "Ok, so that's it folks, no need to hang around doing nothing." He concluded quickly and she glanced up at Tom in panic rather hoping that when he nodded he was going to be able to explain to her quite what she had agreed to only moments previously. Upon that action she found herself walking quickly across the room leaving the room before anyone else could move Tom hot on her heels.

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><p>She watched as Sam slipped out the door almost as soon as leaving was permitted, before anyone else had and Zoe recognised that Sam had probably realised, much like she had, that most eyes were on her or perhaps she'd recognised that Nick himself was a bit unsure about whether she should have been placed in what was likely to become a rapid busy and chaotic department. However the moment that it was just herself and Nick left in the room, she turned and spoke quietly. "Sam's struggling," she found herself beginning unsure if she should disclose the events of the previous half hour to their boss or even the events of earlier in the shift.<p>

"It must be difficult to deal with alone." Her companion countered immediately, and despite the fact that he was talking to her she could tell that his eyes which were focussed completely on the staff room window and more than likely trying to track down Sam.

"But she doesn't have to, does she?" Zoe found herself countering, feeling a sense of loyalty to Dylan at the thought of him being held responsible for the situation in which saw both him and his wife living in separate homes despite both only wanting the same things. "Do you know about the family," she continued softly, when Nick made no indication of even considering to respond to her remark, in spite of asking she still found herself feeling slightly startled when he nodded his head before looking at her curiously.

"I knew her dad." Nick's response was sudden and harsh, as though he wished to bring the matter to a close and she found herself struggling to form any appropriate words.

"Oh." She murmured softly, finding herself unable to formulate sentences in a coherent fashion, suddenly finding herself understand quite why Nick was so very fond of Sam - even since her first day in the department.

"Through Miriam," her companion stated suddenly and it took her a few moments to even realise what he was talking about. "They were at medical school together." She nodded at his words, still finding herself unsure how a medical school acquaintance of Miriam's came to be someone Nick knew. "She was delighted when Sam decided to go," he continued once again, though the slightly glassy look in his eye seemed to suggest that he was deeply lost in thought about the past. "She'd always absolutely adored Sam, she was the one who assigned Dylan to mentor her - I think she felt it'd do them both some good, really."

"She seemed a little distracted," she said trying to pull Nick back to present day and understand that she was concerned not only about Sam's health but her ability to remain fully focussed on any patients she may treat during this shift. "I think she's having a bad day - she didn't seem to be feeling great earlier." She concluded pointedly and Nick made a non-committal noise before he tilted his head towards the door and swiftly exited the room leaving her stood in the middle of the floor feeling as though she had been the one in the wrong for suggesting that Sam wasn't quite up to working.

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><p>He hadn't been sure how to feel about Zoe's words when she'd earlier vocalised her opinion on Sam's current state of mind, until he'd entered CDU himself and seen for himself the curious way in which she staring at what looked lab results as if she wasn't quite taking in the words which she was reading. He approached her slowly, rather hoping that he wouldn't startle her. "He's fine Sam, clear," he supplied after taking his own glance towards the results she was clutching at his words she glanced up and nodded her head softly.<p>

"Okay." She spoke softly, yet even in spite of her quite obviously hearing his words he couldn't help but feel her mind was still elsewhere. As he glanced around the room he noted that Tom seemed to busying himself with patients nearby despite Nick himself being sure that he must have swapped locations with Lenny in order to do so.

He'd just been about to discharge Sam's patient himself when she had wandered back over in their direction, yet she had stopped in alarm when the general hustle and bustle of the main department could be heard as the door were pushed open, allowing Tess and Linda and two other patients with minor injures and awaiting orthopaedic consults access to the ward, causing the man she'd originally been treating to move himself from the bed and raise an arm to try to regain her attention. At the sudden movement Sam had jumped backwards in shock, and as Nick took in the fearful look which was present in her eyes as her arms wrapped around her stomach, he realised that his initial suspicions about Sam's ability to be able to cope with the serve restlessness, possible temper and impatience of the patients who would be admitted. He found himself dismissing the girl with a simple tilt of his head and he watched as Zoe had joined Tess a few beds away and shared a curious look with Tom before both doctors had returned to busying themselves with their previous tasks.

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><p>She had taken refuge in the staff room, when Nick Jordan had all about forced her out of the department while Tess, Linda and Zoe, dealt with a particularly rowdy bunch of drunks. This was nothing out of the ordinary and nothing she couldn't deal with. But as her hands fell down against her stomach, resting on her small bump, she grudgingly accepted maybe she'd be safer here for now. Yet as she reflected on the moment when the man sitting on the bed in front had lashed out suddenly in her direction, she realised that she'd felt a sense of fear that she was certain at the beginning of the year would not have been present. Regardless of that she knew that her arms had automatically moved - not in defence of herself - to wrap themselves around her stomach. She was certain that it had been that movement which had diverted Mr Jordan's attention from the patient in question and on to herself and as she met his gaze she could see the mix of concern and anxiety in his eyes and she'd quietly agreed to the short time out in the staff room with limited fuss.<p>

She wasn't quite sure she'd actually seen or even heard Tess leave CDU after her, but when she had followed her into the staff room and began bustling around her practically forcing down into the sofa before boiling the kettle and thrusting a mug of warm tea into her hands before she returned to the kitchen area momentarily before joining her on the sofa and handing her one of two hastily prepared sandwiches. "Feeling sick?" She was trailed from her chain of thought by Tess' pointed words, and she looked up at her in time to see her indicate the plate that she was still holding tightly.

She looked from the food on the plate once again, and couldn't quite bring herself to even pick at the food, and then quickly to Tess. "A little," she began nervously, fearful that she'd already said too much. Tess had smiled at her sympathetically, and taken the plate from her hands and placed it on the table in front of her. "Sorry." She murmured, as she let her hands cover her face, in a small apology for the uneaten food. Tess had waved her off quickly, and moved her hand to rub her arm softly. Tess had departed some ten minutes later, insisting that she should finish her tea and try to eat a little of the sandwich, she even suggested that a nap wouldn't be a bad thing, before she even thought about returning to the department to continue with her shift.

She rubbed her eyes sleepily as she woke up in an uncomfortable position on the staff room sofa, still clutching a cushion to her chest and shifted herself into seated position and in spite of her desire to work whilst she was here she wasn't quite sure that she'd be able to keep her eyes open for long enough to treat any patients. Though sitting quietly was just allowing her exhaustion to fight its way into her thoughts. "Can you hear that?" She had been sitting with her eyes firmly closed, trying to forget that she had the rest of her shift to go back to, when Dylan's voice broke into her thoughts, just as she was deciding that she really did hate weekends in the ED on occasion.

Opening her eyes she looked at her husband in confusion, unable to tell what he could possibly be referring to. "What?"

"Nothing. Silence." She raised an eyebrow at his response, as he sunk into the seat next to her.

"Enjoy the silence, because in a few months that's going to be gone." She looked up in alarm, recognising the voice as Charlie's but having no recollection of him being in the room, when she entered it. She glanced up and noticed him drinking coffee by the sink, he poured the remainder of his mug into the sink before leaving - pulling the door closed behind him.

She allowed her head to fall onto the arm of the chair, as she took in Charlie's words, she assumed that Dylan just across from her was doing the same. She let her eyes flutter closed sleepily once again and was sudden startled by the sound of Dylan's voice travelling from the opposite end of the room, directing his question at her. "Do you know how difficult it is to watch you struggle?"

She wasn't quite sure how to feel about his question, and the only way she found that she could deal with his implication was to firmly deny that it was the case. "I do not struggle." She stated with determination, yet she gathered from the way in which Dylan was raising his eyebrows that he would take much more convincing than anyone else she'd have spoken to in the same tone.

"Sam," he'd began in an exasperated tone which she hadn't heard since long before her arrival at Holby. "Let me help you - how can you possibly want to cook dinner after a busy shift, especially in your condition," he had continued and she wasn't quite sure if he'd meant quite what he had implied however he seemed oblivious and carried on with what he believed would be a good plan for the evening. "Come round for dinner tonight?"

"Dylan," she began softly, desperately trying not to reject his offer outright even in spite of the way that she was feeling about such an idea and she'd much rather curl up on her sofa than eat a meal in tension as Dylan poked and prodded her until she provided him with all the information that he felt he needed in order to ensure that she was doing everything the medical books suggested she should be. "I'm really tired, I want to go to my bed straight after dinner, not have to get home first." She finished softly, feeling like she had successful avoided the meal and also been seen to be putting her child first in the situation. She considered that even Dylan couldn't object to her curling up in bed especially given her long day at work - regardless of whether or not she'd spent more of the shift in the staff room rather than out of it.

"You could stay?" He suggested without pausing for thought and she was stunned into silence rather hoping that she'd be able to come up with a suitable excuse because in spite of the obvious issues that would cause, she wasn't quite sure that she'd survive the night in Dylan and Dervla's company.

"Let's not go there Dylan," she replied timidly, half hoping that he hadn't heard her words because she wasn't quite sure how she would be able to explain that she really didn't think that an impromptu meal with her ex-husband would be appropriate. "We can have dinner soon - after the next scan, maybe?" She queried, hoping to pacify him, and rather hoped that he'd take the gesture as one which allowed him to feel that he was still being included in the life of his unborn child.

"Yes, well, maybe," Dylan had murmured in response, and she'd looked away rather feeling that she was going to be rejected and she wasn't a hundred percent sure that she'd be able to deal with that at the current moment. She only turned back to face the department again when she heard her husband sigh and move swiftly to the door slamming it behind him as he left her alone.

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><p>Upon seeing the disgruntled expression on Dylan's face as he left the staff room allowing the door to close with unnecessary force as he did so, he couldn't help but feel concerned about Sam who seemed to remain within the room alone. Tentatively he found himself pushing the door open and as he took in the sight of Sam curled up clutching a cushion seemingly staring into space, doing nothing to prevent rivers of silent tears which were coursing down her cheeks. While he couldn't be certain quite what her tears were in aid of it was almost a certainty that she needed a friend. "Okay Sam?" He's begun softly as he sat down next her, and she turned for the first time, as though just noticing his presence in the room, to look at him.<p>

She shook her head softly and made no attempt to speak, and at the look of complete devastation on her face he found himself compelled to pull her into his arms and try to provide her with some sort of comfort. "Tom," he heard her speak softly and waited while she pushed herself out of his arms and once she was by his side facing him she continued. "Did I make a mistake?" Her question was vague and he felt unable to answer her.

Sam never expanded and he found himself having to break the silence which was steadily becoming uncomfortable. "You understand that I care, don't you? That I'll be always be here if you need someone." He spoke quietly, but as Sam looked up at him he recognised that she did hear his words, whether not she had understood them in the way in which he'd meant them he was unsure.

"I know," he heard her speak softly, before she had quickly clammed up again, and closed her eyes as she allowed her head to fall back on the arm of the sofa.

"Then talk to me Sam," came Tom's rather reluctant response and she shook her head in refusal seeming to not quite have the words to explain what was bothering her.

"What do you want me to say," she glanced up at her companion before beginning to speak, now that she'd found her voice struggling to stop speaking. "That I'm twenty-five weeks pregnant, I've pushed my husband away because he drives me mad and now I don't think that I can do it on my own." She'd barely paused for breath and he found that he was very quickly knelt in front of her, taking one of her hands in his as he looked at her concern he was sure was evident across his face as she pulled herself into sitting position and winced.

"Sam?" He queried softly, hoping she'd realise that it was in reference to whatever issues she was having. He watched as she squealed in a demonstration of pain and she had shaken his hand from hers in around to wrap her arms around her stomach and she stood up quickly swiftly moving to lean against the table; yet again he followed her in time to stood in front of her when the pain caused to scream slightly before she forced her weight against the table the pain now preventing her from standing upright.

"Can you get me Dylan?" Sam eventually managed to choke words out between breathing deeply and blinking back tears and he nodded his head, never once taking his eyes from her. A small incomprehensible mutter let him know of Lenny's presence in the room and a small nod, Lenny's quick retreat and the sound of the door opening but never closing again informed him of Lenny now being the one to inform Dylan; yet the now open door allowed him to view the main department and he caught sight of the one person who he thought may be able to help with the current situation.

"Tess!" The nurse turned quickly from her conversation with Charlie and rushed over, standing at Sam's other side, helping him to support her as they helped her onto a stool behind her.

However when he looked at her she looked vaguely sick; tears were beginning to fall down her cheeks and her voice was choked when she finally spoke "I think I'm bleeding," Tess took her hand in her own and squeezed it gently. "Where's Dylan?" He could recognise the fear in her voice and he did rather hope that Lenny would return with Dylan soon because from what he could tell by the look on Tess' face she was no longer finding the staff room to be the most suitable place for Sam.

"He'll find us, we need to get you into a cubicle, come on." Tess had stated simple and looked up at him in question; a look to which nodding had been his only reaction yet between them they managed to support Sam, even in spite of the fact that she really shouldn't have been walking, as she stood trying to down play the obvious pain she was feeling. "Good girl." Tess had murmured softly when Sam had allowed them to settle her down on the bed, before she'd swiftly wrapped the blankets around herself and curled herself up facing away from them.

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><p><strong>Okay, so there you go. Please do tell me what you thought, <strong>

**Annyx**


	22. Chapter 22

**With much less of a wait than last time; I got some new names up in my inbox following & favouriting this, as well, very exciting, so thank you. **

**And to Baibe who reviewed - I was going to say you're back! but perhaps it's me who has been away, regardless your name made me smile. **

**And as always Meggi, ficmouse & Callie for being so very lovely and they tell me they enjoy it, but I'll stop rambling on now...**

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><p>He stepped out of the cubicle with Tess and even as he pulled the curtains around the bed he could still hear Sam desperately trying to conceal sobs, he glanced towards the cubicle then to Tess as he rubbed a hand over his face as he thought of the sudden way in which Sam was pain stricken and he was unable to reassure her. "Tess?" His words grabbed the lost in thought looking nurses attention and she looked at him and then back through the split in the curtains before seeming to regain her senses.<p>

"Go and get Zoe," Tess has stated simply and left him standing in confusion and concern when all he wanted to do was rush back through the curtain and take Sam's hand and reassure her that even in spite of the pain she was feeling he was sure everything would be alright.

"She'll be alright though won't she?" He asked softly, tilting his head towards the curtain, hearing the sniffling of the still sobbing Sam as he did so. His words had only elicited a raised eyebrow from Tess and he was forced to drop his gaze to the ground when he suddenly felt like he was incapable of not only doing his job but understanding it.

"Just get Zoe and we'll know won't we," the nurse had spoken softly jerking her head momentarily before turning on her heel and reaching out to grab the curtain in order to get back to Sam's side. He paused and found himself feeling reluctant to move in fear of something much worse occurring when he wasn't there. "Tom, go." He almost jumped at the sound of Tess' voice, which had quickly startled him into action.

"Yes," he began. "Right. I won't be a moment," he continued as a quick survey of the department allowed him to locate Zoe by the doors to Resus deep in conversation with Linda. "Look after her." He murmured softly in Tess' direction as she was disappearing behind the curtains and she managed to shoot him a tight smile and a small nod before the curtain concealed her from the department yet again.

As he approached Zoe, she glanced up at him in confusion and he was forced to wonder whether or not his expression was showing the concern for Sam which he was feeling. Stepping away from Linda, she had guided him further into the corner of the department before she spoke. "What's wrong? Tom, is it Sam?" She had began in a rush and he could only bring himself to nod; only half wondering quite why Zoe had made the initial assumption that of all the people, staff and patients, in the department that day it had been Sam her head had automatically jumped to. She had looked at him to question and he walked towards the cubicle again, this time with Zoe hot on his heels as he crossed the department again determined to get back to Sam.

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><p>A process of elimination had determined that Dylan was in CDU and he cursed himself for not making that the first place he looked given Dylan's rather open preference for that area of the department especially on days where many drunks and self-inflicted injuries would be high in number. "Dylan!" He had called rather hoping the doctor would approach him and they could talk by the door rather than in front of patients and other members of staff given the message he was having to pass on. However regardless of the fact that the older doctor had turned at the mention of his name and that Lenny himself had taken his movement as confirmation that he had heard that he was wanted however he seemed to only return his attention to the notes which were currently in front of him and paid Lenny no attention. "Dylan," he began again, once again watching as the consultant raised his head seemingly in question. "It's Sam," he eventually found himself saying and within seconds of Sam's name leaving his lips Dylan had risen from his seat, letting it crash to the ground at the force of his movement but failing to stop to right the piece of furniture as he was suddenly striding purposefully across the room and coming to a halt in front of him.<p>

"What?" The consultant had all but snapped at him in question the moment he was by his side, and for once Lenny found himself lost for words as he seen the look of complete fear in Dylan's eyes and he was forced to consider that it was the only genuine emotion that he'd ever seen Dylan demonstrate.

"I'm not sure, she seemed to collapse," he began, before trailing off nervously, when he realised quite how serious what he was saying was especially to Dylan who seemed to only seen the worst of any complications which seemed to occur in Sam's already highly fragile pregnancy. "She was in the staff room with Tom." He finished quickly, rather hoping that if Dylan was aware that Sam had not been attacked by some patient or other. "She's with Tess now," he added quietly, feeling that the statement should help to pacify Dylan until he was by Sam's side.

"The baby?" Dylan questioned quickly, as he began to walk purposefully from the ward, causing Lenny to have to rush to catch him at the top of the stairs.

"It seems so," he replied, recalling the moment that he'd entered the staff room and seen the unshed tears in Sam's eyes as she clasped her hand around her stomach, while she clutched Tom seeming to take some sort of comfort in his presence. "She seemed to be in pain." He finished grimly, knowing it was something Dylan would know within seconds of looking at Sam and that there was no point in lying about how she really was.

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><p>Dylan found himself rushing down the stairs entering the main department for the first time since he'd disagreed with Sam in the staff room and as the words which he'd said played in his mind, he desperately tried to recall the scene an attempt to see whether or not he could've pre-empted Sam's sudden collapse in any way. However his mind kept drawing a blank, and he focussed his attention on getting to Sam's side because even if he couldn't have prevented her current condition then the least he could do was help her through it. He glanced backwards momentarily and caught sight of Lenny being distracted by the blonde nurse he could often be spotted whispering in corridors and corners with, and realised that he wasn't planning on following him anytime soon; so continued and was pleased to note that a nurse - the young girl - Scarlett, he believed her name was, was on hand to point him in the direction of cubicle three and he entered pulling at the curtain angrily when it wouldn't close, he resolved to let Zoe deal with it. An act which she quickly completed before turning again to face Tess, and he couldn't quite make out the look which seemed to pass between them as he refocused his attention fully on the reason in which he'd actually prised himself away from a fairly interesting case in CDU given the reasons for the majority of patients admittance.<p>

Zoe had smiled at him sympathetically as he took a further step to Sam's side and as he looked at his wife properly for the first time since he'd closed himself in the tiny cubicle her tear stained face broke his heart, she looked so frail as she lay there, while Tess appeared to be checking her temperature. "I'm sorry." She had whispered the words out, looking directly at him, but he wasn't even sure what she was apologising for, he glanced towards Zoe as though asking for an explanation but she just shook her head sadly. He heard his wife's small voice again: "I think I'm bleeding. Dylan, I'm sorry." He shook his head, dismissing her apology, as he watched her squirm seemingly determined not to show how much pain she was in. He sat at the edge of the bed Sam was currently curled up in and reached out to take her hand, he found himself saddened to realise that as he had taken her hand in his, she had frozen in shock at the gesture before she'd held on tightly as if she was afraid that if she didn't he'd let go.

It had take a while, much more than it would with the average patient, but he eventually found his voice and he turned to face Tess, unable to force Sam into answering the question he felt needed to be asked. "Do you know what caused this?" He queried gesturing Sam's stomach as he did so; Tess had shaken her head softly and Sam had clutched his hand tighter at his words, and he shifted his hand in order to allow his fingers to reach her wrist stroking it in a circular motion in a vain attempt to comfort her discreetly.

"Lenny's bring the portable ultrasound round," Tess had began calmly had he had nodded quickly, urging her to continue. "That's why Zoe's here; obstetrics are busy at the moment, but they're sending someone when they are free." She explained simply, but he realised that Tess' words had caused Sam's entire body to tense, and he was forced to return his attention to her face and was dismayed to realise that the tears which had ceased before his arrival had now resumed their steady trail down Sam's pale cheeks.

"She's looking awful pale," he murmured softly, and it was only as both Zoe and Tess turned to look at him that he realised he'd actually said the words aloud, yet regardless of that Sam herself seemed completely unaffected by his words and she remained staring pointedly ahead trying to prevent making eye contact with any other person in the tiny space.

"It's the shock," Zoe had started without bother to turn away from the split in the curtain which she was peering through, obviously waiting on the return of Lenny. He couldn't be certain if he responded at all because in that moment he'd allowed his free hand to reach out and lay gently on Sam's cheek, as he resolved to brush away the tears which he was sure were only making the situation worse, at least in his eyes. "She got quite a fright." He heard Zoe conclude as he looked at Sam properly and she nodded her head softly and he wasn't quite sure what her action was meant to be telling him. Yet as a strangled sob escaped her lips he found himself bundling her into his arms, even in spite of the people in close vicinity, and she rested her head against his shoulder allowing him to feel the vibrations of her sobs.

She pulled away quickly and he held her at arms length taking in the redness of her eyes which was much more visible now the tears had ceased. "I feel sick," Sam had spoken quietly and he raised his hand to rest gently on her forehead.

"You've got a bit of a temperature," he said softly, looking directly at Sam, and she'd nodded simply accepting his statement. "Tess?" He questioned softly, remember that the nurse had been taking Sam's temperature upon his arrival.

"It was a little high earlier," Tess had quickly agreed in the same moment in which Sam had shuffled closer to him and even as she ducked her head to bury it into his chest he could see how much she'd paled. Zoe had silently passed her card bowl and Dylan wrapped an arm around her shoulder holding her close as the rattling of wheels indicated that Lenny had sourced the ultrasound scanner from somewhere and they would soon be able to see what the problem was, if indeed there was any. The noise however had removed Sam from his arms and she lay down on her side, pulling the blankets from under her in order to hug them to her Dylan supposed in an act of comfort.

All he could was take her hand; she lay still on the bed, while Zoe pulled the ultrasound machine to the side of the bed, tears spilling down her pale face disappearing into the white sheets. He wasn't entirely sure what to do to help her, if he could even help her through this moment. He watched silently as Zoe pulled at Sam's top, lifting it up and exposing her stomach "Okay?" The only indication that Sam had even heard Zoe's question was when her hair bobbed slightly, and she rolled onto her back, staring pointedly in the opposite direction from the screen, tears continuing to roll down her cheeks.

"I can't." Sam's tiny voice halted Zoe's movements, and she sat on the edge of the bed taking her hand in hers.

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><p>As he glanced through the staff room window he noted the look of sadness on Tom's face as he seemed to stare straight ahead without really seeing anything at all. He opened the door and moved swiftly to stand by his side as he flicked the switch on the kettle, at least aiming to get a cup of coffee out of his impromptu break. "I can't see her like that," Tom broke the silence which had settled in the room suddenly, and the vagueness of his words actually caused Lenny to have to stop an thinking about what was being said to him.<p>

"Sam?" He queried, yet upon seeing the look of sadness only increase in Tom's eyes he realised that he was on the correct tracks. "She's strong, she'll be fine." He concluded with determination, partly to quash his own fears about the state in which he'd last seen their colleague, in order to bring Tom back to reality because at current he was looking on so with such a sense of despondency that Lenny was certain he'd be unable to productively do any work for the remainder of the shift unless someone he reassure him that all was well with Sam.

"She's always so together and then she wasn't." Tom had murmured without even acknowledging his presence in the room, Lenny considered that he wasn't even sure that his companion had even meant to say the words aloud at all.

"Am I missing something here?" Lenny found himself stating firmly, completely unsure of quite what was causing Tom's sadness in Sam's situation, or whether or not his friend had become much too attached to their pretty much unattainable colleague, given that she was expecting another man's child, and that was before he considered that the other man in question was in fact her husband.

"She's pregnant." Tom began pointedly, yet as Lenny stirred his coffee and looked up at his companion and noted that his eyes still stared straight on, as though he wasn't quite aware that he was even saying the words aloud. "She's married." He continued, as though reading Lenny's mind, while it seemed that he was trying to explain to himself why his feelings, if they had indeed changed towards Sam, could not be acted upon.

"Right," Lenny muttered in confusion, as he finished the last of his coffee, before glancing back towards the door and considering how easy it would be for him to get out of the situation and conversation he currently found himself upon realising that he could probably offer no useful advice.

"It's a mess," Tom had concluded solemnly and Lenny nodded in mere agreement realising that he had no idea how to deal with the situation which he was now certain in he found himself firmly in the middle of, even if he wasn't a hundred percent sure in the conclusions he had drawn from his conversation with Tom.

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><p>Sam had curled herself up on the bed the moment the curtain had swung closed behind Dylan. Despite the fact that Zoe couldn't see the blonde's face, she tell from her body language that the pain she'd been feeling was increasing. She closed her eyes briefly hoping that it would prevent tears from clouding her own sight, as she tried to process how frightened Sam was. When she opened them again, she realised that Tess was sat in front of Sam, whispering she couldn't hear exactly what she was saying but she could sense the panic in the nurse's eyes. It was when Sam's whole body tensed, and she let out a whimper of pain, before biting her lip that Zoe rushed to be at her side. The blonde woman hugged her knees to her chest and was rocking herself back and forward as Zoe tried to still her. Eventually, it seemed the urge to cry over powered her, and the young doctor sat trembling as her entire body shook with tears. Both woman reached out to her, but she seemed reluctant to accept their support, and curled herself as small as she could manage on the bed. Despite the tears, they were both able to see clearly how frequent the waves of pain were washing over Sam.<p>

Zoe stepped back, letting Tess take over, she released a breath she hadn't realised that she'd been holding when she watched Tess finally coax the blonde to sit up. She, herself, went in search of the woman's husband. She went where her feet had taken her, which turned out to be CDU, the ward was oddly empty with the exception of the man she was looking for. She blinked a few times, opening the door quietly and stepping inside to take in his lost looking appearance. "Dylan?" She called his name, softly, not sure what to expect. The sad look in his eyes was apparent from the moment he turned round to look at her. "Okay?" She asked the question before she considered it, realising to late, that it was a ridiculous thing to even ask, because of course he wasn't okay.

She watched him nod weakly, before she crossed the room to reach him. She began to speak before she stopped walking purely because she felt if she got close enough to him, she'd have to see that he didn't want to talk. "I think you have to go and see her." She blinked back a tear or two of her own, as she recalled the Sam she had left. When she opened her eyes, however, he was still there, staring at the paperwork in front of him, as if he hadn't heard her words. She pulled a seat from the left of her and sat down in front of him; taking in the distant look in his eyes she realised that he was in no way taking in anything that he was pretending to be reading. "Dylan," she tried again, rather hoping to appeal to the part of him which adored Sam. "She's frightened Dylan. She just needs you there." She explained, and almost sighed in relief when her words seemed to have an affect on Dylan and he raised his head in order to look at her.

"I can't deal with her like that," he began solemnly. "I've never seen her like that before, she looked frightened." He stated and Zoe found herself having to nod in agreement because there was quite simply no denying his words, because in truth Sam was completely terrified and that was the reason for her needing Dylan by her side. She considered that it was horribly sad in a way that the reason Sam needed him was the reason for which Dylan couldn't be by her side. She stood up swiftly knowing that even if she couldn't get Dylan to Sam's side she quite simply had to return in order to conduct a scan, because if there were any serious concerns for Sam's or the baby's health then they would have to be dealt with imminently.

She almost sighed in relief when she heard the doors to CDU swung open and the closed again noisily when she was half way down the stairs and a discreet look behind her revealed that Dylan seemed to have come to his senses and had followed her from the ward and seemed to be returning to Sam - well she rather hoped that he was because she wasn't sure how she would be able to explain to his wife that he was ignoring her and their child in favour of an interesting patients only upstairs from her.

As she returned to the younger woman's side she found her lying on her side, tears dripping from her cheeks and her body shaking with suppressed sobs as she tapped her thumb against her trembling lips, determined not to accept comfort. She'd been forced to look away several times, to blink back tears and trying to gather her own emotions at the sight of the clearly distraught woman - who was no doubt feeling abandoned. Until the moment in which Dylan pushed through the curtains after her and quickly fell into a chair by Sam's side, which she could only assume used to occupy Tess, until she'd moved to carry out another set of obs on a poorly looking Sam. Zoe had been forced to focus all her attention on Sam, when it seemed that a particularly strong pain had seared through her stomach, and the woman herself, had forced herself into an upright position, and gripped Dylan's hand fearfully. Dylan himself looked faintly sick, and stood up sharply forcing Sam to break contact with him as he paced to the edge of the cubicle and she stood in front of Sam, wrapping her arms around her trembling frame, as the younger woman sobbed hysterically into her blouse. When she pulled away, she had managed to encourage Sam into consenting to the scan, that was obviously terrifying her. "She is okay, isn't she?" Sam had demanded almost the second Zoe had the wand on her stomach, straining to see the screen that for the first few moments Zoe had concealed from her. "We've not faced all this to lose her now, have we?" Sam continued quickly, looking frantically between Tess and Dylan as she spoke.

"Sam," Zoe had found herself having to interfere when she sensed that Sam was only going to distress herself further with the thoughts which seemed to currently be circling her mind.

"Tell me she's okay?" The blonde had tearful pleaded, and Zoe watched as Sam's eyes meet Dylan's and she could read the matching looks of equal amounts of fear and devastation present in both.

"She's okay Sam," Tess began softly, nodding encouragingly. "Sam, listen, there's her heartbeat," she had concluded pointedly, and Zoe had watched as Sam's face broke into a tiny smile before more tears spilled from her eyes and she'd covered her mouth and seemed to sob in happiness.

"She?" Dylan had asked in sudden realisation. "A little girl?" He'd queried reaching across the bed to take Sam's other hand in his and he smiled at the look of complete adoration on her face as she meet his gaze.

Zoe had glanced at him in surprise, it had been a well known fact that Sam had referred to the unborn child as a girl and it had never really crossed her mind that she had not actually known and seemed to be working on intuition alone. "Yes." She'd spoken softly, keeping one eye on Dylan as she did so noting that his expression never changed.

"So why am I in pain?" Sam cut in worriedly from between them and Zoe found her eyes drawn to the screen which showed nothing that she would not expect.

"You'll have to wait on the obstetrician." Zoe answered softly, knowing that she was in no position to give them answers to that particular query.

"Oh, Dylan," Zoe had been tidying up around the ultra sound machine when she heard Sam speak again, as she wiped the gel from her stomach in the same moment Tess had slipped from the cubicle. "Oh, I thought we'd lost her." She'd heard Sam mutter as she was bundled into Dylan's arms, and she too departed from the tiny space leaving Sam and Dylan to have a moment alone before the obstetrician arrived to repeat the process and hopefully provide them with answers.

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><p><strong>Well thank you for reading, &amp; do let me know what you think - good or bad. <strong>

**I'm hoping to be back with you within the week, however I make no promises... It never works when I do that. **

**Anny x**


	23. Chapter 23

**So I update at a more reasonable time again.. And this is where everything seems to make a U-turn and I had to do some plot reshuffling and re-writing.**

**Judging from the wording of the review, I have assumed it was Baibe again, so thank you & if I am wrong I do apologise. **

**Once again, dedicated to Callie, ficmouse and Meggi, because there is really is no other way I'd rather spend 3am than debating plots** **and upsetting yourself over possible outcomes.**

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><p>The consultation had been two weeks previously, yet she still found herself feeling like her heart was threatening to stop every time she found herself in the same cubicle that she'd been in for the frightening moments of her life in which she had truly believed that all she'd hoped was suddenly about to be tragically snatched from her after everything she'd put herself and her tiny unborn baby through to get this far. The tears welled in her eyes each time she walked by it and she could almost see the Tom support her as she fell down into the comfort of the blankets as though it was happening in front of her very own eyes. She couldn't recall a time in which she'd cried more than she had in the moments when she realised that she was experience much more pain and more frightening symptoms than the nausea she'd felt when she'd fled to the ladies toilets and quickly been caught by Zoe who was only concerned in interrogating her and she really hadn't felt like playing along, in spite of her usual feelings towards her interference. Sam considered the past fortnight had been a complete dream; getting past twenty five weeks, had been a surprise in itself given all that she and Dylan had been through in the past in an attempt to even get half as far as they were now. Getting up that morning and approaching the calendar, had felt like an achievement particularly when the date indicated that she'd successfully reached her twenty-seventh week of a both complicated and confusing pregnancy.<p>

However now that she was half way through her shift she couldn't quite work out how she felt any more, Sarah Hiller had been Zoe's patient from the off, but even the snippets of conversation she'd heard shared between Zoe, Lenny and on some occasions Tess had caused her to stop and think about the way in which she may feel when her own very much longed for child arrived. Even in spite of the fact that she knew she already loved her daughter more than she ever thought it possible to love another human being, in this very moment she knew that she couldn't be certain how she'd feel in another thirteen weeks. Despite the fact that thirteen weeks seemed so very far away, she was being constantly told that it would fly in; now, she was rather hoping that it would purely to prevent her having any time left, between picking cots, prams and stocking up on baby clothes, for her mind and feelings to change towards the tiny person currently growing inside her particularly now when the reality of the upheaval her arrival would bring to her life. She'd heard every word that Sarah had said and she could relate to everything she said about her pregnancy and she didn't think she'd be able to bear not loving her child the moment that she met her.

It felt like a constant emotion and one which she had been used to before, but yet again, she found herself on the verge of tears and not knowing quite what would help with other than being wrapped in the comfort of Dylan's arms as he assured her that everything would be just fine. Realistically she knew that she could not ask such a thing of Dylan, even her obstetrician could not offer her that knowledge, and she found herself considering not for the first time that she was to blame for that particular mutual worry between Dylan and herself. If she was being completely honest with herself she knew well that she was missing her husband - not just in the middle of the night when she awoke and her tired brain would not switch off from the fact that she'd come so very close to lose her baby on numerous occasions - but in reality she was missing every little thing which had ever annoyed her about him, every book that he left open on the bed so she'd be forced to at least look it; every time she'd opened a paperback to be confront by post it notes filled with the various plot holes and inaccuracies and the way in which he'd always had to put another sugar in his tea despite telling her he only took one.

She closed her eyes momentarily and allowed herself to rest gently against the table in the staff room willing herself to regain her senses and know that she loved her baby and she would be able to cope, the thought of not coping so extremely had not crossed her mind until that very moment and she was now so very unsure, as she realised quite how much a struggle preparing for a baby could be, whether she was going to find both the time and energy in order to complete all he tasks require. It was with the realisation that she had not, with exception of flicking though a few baby magazines and books, prepared at all for her daughter's arrival that had pushed concept that she wasn't quite ready to be a single mum to forefront of her mind and she wondered whether or not that if she really did love the baby growing inside of her that she'd need to hand her over to people who would really find the time to prepare for her in their lives.

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><p>Sometime later, Lenny was sitting in the staff room, relived about the relative quiet of the shift given the chaos which he was certain had been inflicted on them in recent weeks and the fact that he was actually able to catch a lunch break rather than the few bites of a sandwich as he flitted between patients - much like every other member of staff - which he'd been getting overly familiar with. However while he was sitting there considering the madness that the ED could be thrown head first into on occasion, his mind was pulled towards the door and he watched as Sam wandered in, opening her locker quickly completely unaware of his presence.<p>

He approached her slowly so as not to startle her yet as he opened his mouth to greet her he noticed the leaflets that she had in her hand and found himself speaking without really thinking about what he was about to say or the fact that she was still oblivious to his presence. "Why have you got that?" He questioned with alarm and watched as Sam herself jumped ever so slightly and turned quickly to follow his voice locating him at the opposite end of the table.

"I," Sam had shuttered quickly in shock, hastily shoving the leaflet into her locker. "Well," She began again, this time seeming to wish to defend herself from a gaze which from her expression he could only assume was judgemental. "I was reading them," she said softly, turning from the locker to look at him properly.

"Why?" He asked, unsure that he'd even want to hear the answer.

"I was thinking about it," Sam's voice was all but a whisper, and he instantly felt guilty for making her feel this way. "Is that alright with you?" She concluded sharply, swinging back round and closing her locker door with a resounding clang.

"Why do you think that you need to be reading them anyway?" He asked as he turned to pour the water from the kettle into the mug he'd left beside it when he'd first entered the room.

"I felt I had to be aware of all the options." Came her quickly thought out response. "Isn't that what you tell your patients?" She stated simply and there was no way in which he'd be able to deny her claim and found himself nodding his head.

Lenny watched her cautiously before moving around the table in order to guide her to the sofa, feeling that it would be much easier to have a conversation with her there, he glanced back towards his untouched coffee by the kettle regretfully as he joined her. "You know that you aren't going to be on your own don't you?" He questioned lightly and found himself surprised when he looked at her and seen a look of recognition - he couldn't quite explain - in her eyes. "What?" He asked lightly and she almost smiled at him before looking down at her finger nails.

"That's what Tom said a couple of weeks ago," Sam said softly and in that moment Lenny knew that while he knew that Tom's intentions were good, he was certain that they'd said the same thing meaning two very different things.

He looked at her wondering quite how he would be able to broach the subject with someone as private as Sam. "You and Tom are close aren't you?" He queried and a look of confusion became present across Sam's face as he did. "You're friends," he clarified quickly and was pleased to note that Sam had at least nodded in response.

He looked at the curious look which had now settled on Sam's face, as though daring her to say quite what was on her mind. "What about you and Linda?" She'd said softly and Lenny wasn't completely certain what she was getting at in the slightest.

"What about me and Linda?" He replied and he found himself unable to not smile at the way in which Sam had pulled her legs up underneath herself and turned to face him, staring at him intently as though considering what she was going to say.

"You're always together," came her reply at a few moments pause and he found that she was enjoying this discussion far more than the one, the more important one, which he'd tried to coerce her into having just ten minutes previously.

"We're friends, Sam, stop trying to change the subject." He stated quickly after realising what she was trying to do, and she had the good grace to look caught out at his words.

"Why don't you tell her how you feel?" Sam responded quickly to his words and he looked up at her in alarm, conscious of the fact that she had touched a nerve and now he was forced to wonder quite what about his time spent with Linda made his feelings so very clear - even to someone who was as reluctant to engage in casual gossip as Sam. Lenny had only just recognised that he hadn't replied to her words when he heard the staff room door close sharply again and became aware of the fact that Sam had departed the room when he'd been lost in thought and he was still no closer to convincing her that as her baby's biological mother she was the best qualified to bring her up.

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><p>Lenny had caught the older woman when she was outside seemingly on a cigarette break as she leant back against the outer wall of the hospital. "Have you spoken to Sam recently?" He began the moment he'd reached her seemingly without drawn her attention to his presence because at his words she jumped slightly and turned to look at him confusion written all over her face.<p>

"Sam?" She queried softly, before raising an eyebrow and shaking her head in indication of a negative answer.

"She's having a hard time," he found himself starting in explanation, "I think." He added softly upon realising that despite the conversation he'd actually had with the girl not twenty minute previously he had actually gained very little from it and he was unable to put his finger on what precisely had thrown the sudden realisation that she might actually struggle with motherhood in Sam's direction.

"Well I suppose that's understandable," Zoe had replied without really seeming to think about what she was saying. "It's not been easy," she began, "this pregnancy." She waved her hand in front of her, in an attempt to remove smoke from her immediate eye line it seemed, as she clarified.

He paused for thought and began to wonder if it really had been purely the added complications to her pregnancy which had provoked Sam into think that she wasn't good enough for the tiny child growing inside of her. When he considered it he realised quite how much she'd been through including her own illness, a reunion then subsequent break up with the father of the baby and the horrifying scare which he had witnessed first hand himself a mere two week previous he had to accept that he could not rule that thought out. "I suppose not," he murmured more to himself than as part of an active conversation but he noted the female doctor to his right had nodded sadly, he suspected she was probably focussed on much of the first hand experience she'd had with a distraught Sam.

He took a steady breath and forced himself to turn and face Zoe, unsure whether or not he should even be disclosing the information he'd gained from his conversation with Sam given the serious nature of the conversation and the state which Sam had fled the room in. "She, um," he began, pausing when he wasn't quite if he'd even processed Sam's words enough in order to be able to verbalise them, "she had leaflets, leaflets about adoption and she seems really set on giving up the baby." He stopped speaking and turned away from Zoe hoping that she'd understand that he'd put himself in a position that he wasn't entirely sure how he could help, if he even could.

"Why," Zoe started, as she dropped her cigarette not the ground and began fishing around in her jacket pocket in order to source another. "Why are you telling me this?" She concluded cigarette now in hand and unable to provide a suitable answer that minute he watched as her hand returned to her pocket and this time emerged victorious with a lighter.

He watched as she carefully lit the cigarette before he began to respond to her question unsure even now of his own motives for involving Zoe in the most recent developments. "You can get through to her," he found himself responding, not untruthfully, before continuing upon seeing the look of disbelief cross Zoe's face as she took another draw of her cigarette. "Make her understand that she'll feel differently once the baby is here." He concluded softly and sighed miserably leaning back against the hospital wall without looking at the woman stood beside him.

"And what if she doesn't?" Zoe countered quickly and Lenny found himself forced to realise the potential reality in her words as she turned to face him, as though daring him to suggest that it would not be possible. "What are we going to do to in three months time when we're the ones who have forced her into something that she really can't cope with?" She questioned harshly, and once again, he found himself struggling for appropriate words. "You're the one she trusts," Zoe stated seemingly hopeful that it would be enough to convince Lenny himself that he should be the one to try and talk Sam, particularly if that is really what he though would be for the best. "Talk to her - make sure she is doing this for the right reasons." Zoe concluded solemnly and quickly returned her attentions to the cigarette in her hand and the reason that she was standing in the harsh wind, particularly for a supposed Summer day.

As he took in Zoe's words Lenny found himself, grudgingly, trailing himself back through the main doors and into the department with the intention of tracking down Sam and aiming to get her involved in a conversation that he was certain she'd hate. When he finally spotted her she appeared to be caught up in a whispered conversation with Tom in a corner, Lenny regarded the situation for a moment and consider quite what the conversation may have been about given the nature of his own somewhat confusing discussion with Dr Kent a fortnight previous. Despite being aware of the feelings Tom had, Lenny was sure that he could be certain that Dr Kent had not acted upon them, as of yet, because he was quite sure that Sam would not have been ale to cope with such a revelation at the current time nor would she have looked as comfortable as she currently did in Tom's company. He watched as Linda approached the whispering couple, a look of confusion written across her face as she did so, and when she departed only seconds later Tom had followed her; Lenny took this moment to gain Sam's attention and steered her into the staff room closing the door behind her quickly.

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><p>Sam found herself sitting down on the staff room sofa eyeing Lenny who seemed to busying himself with the kettle with interest, as she considered quite what she was doing here. Her mind had briefly flickered the possibility that something had happened to Dylan, and she'd felt her own breathing hitch, until she had remembered that she had watched Dylan walk by when she'd been the discussing the connection between Lenny and Linda only minutes beforehand and the woman in question he appeared by their side. She thought back to those moments and almost laughed aloud at the fact she'd been caught up in such a conversation having never been one to pry into the lives of others - practically on a non-professional basis.<p>

"Giving up the baby?" Sam looked up in alarm hearing Lenny's voice as he remained still intently at the still boiling kettle not allowing himself to give away any hint of his feelings towards the subject. They discussed the situation barely an hour beforehand and she wasn't entirely sure why he was supposing that if he brought the conversation up again she'd have anything different to say than what she'd already told him.

Standing from her position on the sofa she walked across the room quickly coming to a halt by his side and turned to face in the opposite direction before beginning to speak. "Was that a question?" Sam queried evasively before turning to face him momentarily and shooting him a small smile of thanks when he placed a mug of tea by her side. She picked up the warm mug cautiously and stared down into the boiling contents before speaking again, upon realising that Lenny had made no attempt to even acknowledge her query. "It's my decision," she began firmly. "And I've made up my mind." She concluded sharply in the hope that her tone would inform Lenny that there was no room for argument in the decision she had made.

Her companion turned to face her, as she sipped at her tea refusing to make eye contact with him, looked her up and down as though trying to find any indication that there may have been something wrong with her that had effected her ability to make coherent decisions. "You've made this decision now," Lenny seemed to clarify and she raised her head to look at him before raising her eyebrows daring him to suggest that she'd made the wrong decision. However it was Lenny's next words which forced to pause and consider her decision, "but how do you know how you'll feel when you hold your little girl in your arms?" He questioned cautiously and she returned her focus to her rapidly cooling tea though upon her lack of response Lenny continued to speak. "How do you know you wont fall in love with her the moment you see her?" He concluded and Sam remained silent aware that she was unable to answer the question without agreeing with him, unable to convince herself that not loving her daughter would be an option, she already loved her and she'd never be able to deny that.

"I can't cope," she said simply.

"What?" Lenny seemed confused as he spoke, questioning her previous statement.

"I can't," she repeated softly. "I know I can't." She pressed on, hoping that if she said it enough times that she'd be able to assure Lenny of what she herself already knew. "Everything is going wrong." She concluded as though it settled the matter and she was certain that if she was being honestly with herself then it really did settle the matter. Certain that had she not have gotten ill herself then her baby would not have been so very poorly, that just fourteen days beforehand she would not have sobbing in a cubicle in this very department fearing that she had lost her tiny baby.

"Sam,"

She shook her head at the sound of Lenny saying her name, before speaking herself, determined to be heard out, and even as she spoke the words she couldn't understand why she felt so very compelled to explain herself and the decisions that she'd made regarding a matter private to her. "It's my choice - surely it's still my choice."

"You need to speak to Dylan." Lenny said softly and she looked up to see him finishing his tea and rinsing the mug out.

"No, I don't," it was a simple statement and Sam raised her own mug to her lips sipping at the now lukewarm liquid. "This baby needs a family - a mum and a dad who can look after her the way they are meant to not the way Dylan and I will," she pointed out simply and even in saying the words aloud for the first time she could not doubt that the decision she had made had been the correct one. "All chaotic and constant arguing." She clarified thinking not back to her married life but to her most recent stay with Dylan.

"Will you just listen to me?" Lenny's tone was harsh and Sam wasn't even sure she'd ever heard him quite so annoyed.

"No." She responded sharply. "No." As she repeated her earlier statement her voice sounded much colder even to her own ears and she didn't miss the look of alarm cross Lenny's face as she did so. "I've made up my mind Lenny, I'll be a useless mum." She finished calmly, unable to find any justification in her actions since she'd learnt she was pregnant to the contrary and shook her head immediately silencing whatever retort was on the tip of Lenny's tongue before explain calmly and simply - at least to herself anyway. "I don't know what to do with a baby," she smiled sadly and reflected on the truth and she remained still watching as Lenny reached out cautiously to take her hand.

"I've spoken to Linda, Sam, I know what this baby means to you," As soon as the words had left Lenny's mouth she knew that she'd never be able to deny them, after all it had been her who had shared this information with Linda in the first place. Those words about how much not being able to have a baby, after countless attempts and months of disappointment, had quite possibly been the most honest ones she'd ever spoken. It had hurt more than any physical pain had ever caused her and now when she was considering giving up what she had most wanted in her entire life; she still failed to see how she could bring up her daughter and had come to recognise earlier that day that if she really did love her daughter than she should let her be looked after the way she was supposed to. Unable to find words to say in response to Lenny's last statement she shook her head softly, feeling her eyes fill with tears before blinking them away swiftly and retrieved the leaflets she'd earlier stored in her locker in order to look through them properly.

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><p><strong>So once again, thank you for reading, and do feel free to tell me what you think... <strong>

**Anny x **


	24. Chapter 24

**So longer than I intended before updating again; however I've just dealt with the most awful fortnight and sometimes real-life really does get in the way of writing time... So I apologise. **

**This update is very much for the very lovely Callie, Meggi & ficmouse for being their wonderful selves and for being quite so lovely over the past week or so. **

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><p>Nick Jordan glanced back across his desk at the woman currently sat in front of him, her clasped hands and unreadable expression said all he needed to know about she perceived the seriousness of the situation to be, pausing only momentarily for though he reflected on what she'd just informed him before beginning to speak. "Did I just hear you right?" He questioned, a sense of disbelief falling over him as he did so, sure that there was no possibility that the words he'd just heard Zoe say could be anywhere near to the truth. He watched as Zoe raised her head slightly and met his gaze momentarily the confusion he felt written all over her face, indicating that she was feeling just as lost as he over the sudden turn in events. "Why?" He asked the question in spite of the fact that Zoe was unaware and that alone was the reason for her presence in his office. When she wandered in only twenty minutes beforehand in a bit of a daze he had not being excepting the revelation which she had made; the fact that she was making it clear that after going through so much devastation and heartbreak, though those moments seemed to be have been made invalid by joy of learning all was well just a fortnight previously, Sam had three days ago announced that she no longer wanted to keep the child she was carrying.<p>

He eyed his companion in confusion as it seemed she appeared to be on the brink of speaking and he was certain that he'd never actually seen Zoe so very lost for words. He raised his eyebrows, as an indication that he was waiting on her speaking, and she once again returned her gaze to him, moving forward in her chair to lift the paperweight from his desk and it seemed to serve as a distraction as she spoke. "She seems determined," Zoe stated quietly and he shifted his own gaze so that he was looking directly at her once again.

"Obviously," he replied, still feeling more than little bewildered that Zoe had involved him in this particular situation that she'd managed to get herself wrapped up in.

"Can you try talking to her?" As the words left Zoe's lips, he realised the true reason for her seeking his involvement and her presence in his office. He returned to the document he was typing up before he had been interrupted and saved it quickly sensing that he could be in for a rather long afternoon, however he responded to Zoe's query.

"Not really my place," he said and considering telling Zoe that he was actually very busy and he couldn't help her at the moment. However he could not shake the thought that something awful must have happened in order for Sam to change her mind so very rapidly and that alone worried him.

"Tell me you don't care about her?" Zoe demanded suddenly, startling back into the present and he remembered that she was still sat in front of him, looking at him expectantly as though his initial response was not quite what she'd hoped and she was intending on staring at him until he'd agreed to her way of thinking. He thought about her words and found that he could in no way deny them, he did care about Sam, he'd cared about the young blonde woman since she'd walked into his office nine months previously with a sweet smile and reminded him of all he ever remembered of Helen Nicholls. He'd known the nurse first, meeting her on one of his first rotations and had then met her again three years later - he'd been married to Karen then - when Miriam had introduced them to her old Medical School acquaintance Peter and his wife Helen, and their then six year old daughter Samantha, he was almost certain that Sam had no recollection of their previous meeting, when she entered his office in early October.

"That has no bearing on this," he replied finally causing Zoe to look up at him in confusion but she never said anything allowing him to continue, now aware of what he had to do. "I can't help Sam," he began and he could see the hints of Zoe's curiosity getting the better of her as he spoke. "I know who will be able to." He concluded and reaching for his phone he realised that Zoe seemed to have no intention leaving his office. "Going to make a phonecall Zoe." He stated simply and she seemed to understand his meaning and rose quickly to leave his office. He waited until the door was firmly closed behind her and he had heard the gentle clipping of her heels moving from the immediate area of his office before he bothered to dial the number of the one person he knew, if not Dylan, would be able to reason with the obviously fragile and highly confused Dr Nicholls.

"Miriam," he spoke suddenly, startled by the rather swiftly picking up of the opposite line and he felt the frown settle on his face at her cheery tone as she referred to him as Nicky - he considered that perhaps it was his own confusion at the situation Zoe had involved him in which left him unable to form coherent sentences in order to explain quite why he was phoning. The babble in the background indicated that Miriam's small grandson was with her and that she was still in contact with her family. "Miriam," he began again and on this mention of her name the woman on the opposite end of the phone realised immediately there was a problem and he heard a door close clearly locking Miriam away from the noise.

Taking a deep breath and collecting his thoughts before speaking again, he continued calmly. "It's about Sam," he started and taking the silence in the other end of the phone as a sign to continue he did so. "She's struggling with the pregnancy, there have been problems and obviously that is -" He blinked rapidly in confusion when a confused voice from the other side of the phone questioned what he was telling her and he realised that he could have potentially made quite a mistake. "Didn't she tell you?" He asked quickly and the harsh negative answer in response told him exactly how Miriam felt about being kept in the dark over this particular development.

He was barely listening to anything Miriam had said but when she stopped speaking suddenly he was forced to process what she was saying in order to reply. "You're coming here?" He asked simply. "Right, yes, okay," he muttered softly upon hearing her reply. "Either me or Zoe," he confirmed in reference to her request of being met at reception. "In an hour," he repeated back to her before Miriam wished him goodbye and hung up swiftly before he was able to return the gesture. He placed the phone back down in the cradle and stood immediately in order to try to find Zoe.

Nick had only just stepped out of his office when he heard the familiar foot steps approaching and realised that Zoe had spared him both a trip downstairs and the task of hunting for her without drawing too much attention as to why he was looking for her. "Miriam's coming in." He stated simply the moment Zoe was by his side, the female doctor had simply nodded at his words and he continued in explanation. "She said in an hour, if you could meet her in reception?" He asked hopefully.

"Of course," Came Zoe's short reply. "Will I bring her up to the office?"

"Yes," Nick began. "Yes, that would be best - I have appraisals to be finishing, we're not busy are we?" Zoe shook her head in response and shot Nick a small smile before she turned on her heel and returned in the same direction.

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><p>Miriam stepped through the doors of the unfamiliar building, conversations with Nick and news reports had already confirmed to her that the ED was looking much different to the one she worked in during her brief stint as joint Clinical Lead, she had been busying herself looking around her that she hadn't noticed the arrival of Zoe who was now stood in front of her. "Nick's in his office," came Zoe's first words and Miriam was quick to note her disgruntled expression and she couldn't help but feel the woman stood in front of her was not seeing her latest task of escorting her to Nick's office as vital in her activities of the day. Zoe gave her no time to respond and she hurried off towards the staircase in reception, leaving her to rush to follow her they reached Nick's office within minutes and Zoe only knocked sharply once before opening the door and held it until she was through the door way as well, Nick was already pouring coffee from the cafetiere when she was stood in front of him Zoe by her side.<p>

Miriam took the first cup Nick offered her and sat down on the comfortable sofa behind her, beginning to speak almost instantly, determined to get some straight answers about what had been going on in Sam's life since she had last seen her. "You said there had been complications?" She began pointedly and both Nick and Zoe turned to face her and then looked at each other as though they were, silently, debating who would be the one to tell her the news.

"Sam contracted fifth disease," Zoe began suddenly and Miriam could not deny her words had not frightened her, the potential other outcome came to her mind straight away and she doubted very much that Sam would have been able to cope with that. "The baby showed signs of hydrops - she was a little anaemic in the end." Zoe continued, confirming her fears and before Miriam could ask any questions Zoe had answered her unasked question. "She had two blood transfusions,"

"The last was just over a fortnight ago," Nick continued as he sat back down behind her desk, "that was the worst of it," he continued to explain and Miriam knew that she couldn't be certain quite how awful Nick's next words could be. "She started bleeding and we thought there might have been a real chance they baby would have had to have been delivered then."

"There has been nothing since." Zoe picked up the conversation again, this time in a more cheerful tone, and Miriam found herself nodded despite how uncertain she felt about why she was here now and not the previous fortnight. "Except Sam's new found doubts over whether she'll be able to cope," Zoe continued and Miriam almost choked on her coffee before looking up at the female doctor in confusion.

"Sorry?" Miriam said quietly suddenly, almost asking Zoe for clarification as to whether or not she had heard what she thought she had.

"Didn't Nick say?" Zoe turned at her words to the man she was referencing and upon receiving a soft shake of his head in reply she nodded once, simply, and continued. "She's been talking of adoption." Miriam found that she was not shocked when the look she seen in Zoe's eyes allowed her to believe that Zoe doubted that it was what Sam really wanted as much she did. "Obviously," Zoe continued quickly, "if that is in fact what she wants then that's fine, but if she really does need to be certain."

"And this is why I'm here?" Miriam asked quickly, understanding immediately when Nick had wanted her presence so urgently.

"In a way, yes." Nick replied looking at her as though searching her expression from any sign of objections.

"Well," Miriam began, putting her cup on the low coffee table in front of her, lifting her bag and pulling the strap onto her shoulder as she got to her feet. "I should be going to find them then," she concluded as she reached the door pulling it open and in the moments before she closed it behind herself she spoke one final time. "We'll speak later Nicky."

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><p>"Well I thought that one of you would've told me, at least!" Dylan would have recognised her voice anywhere yet what he was unaware of was why she was here now and quite what she wanted with him. He was certain that she sounded annoyed and he didn't have to turn round and face her to be able to see her disgruntled expression. He could picture her standing in the door way hands on her hips before he even turned round and he instantly felt like he was a seven year old about to told off.<p>

Dylan faced her and crossed the room quickly, not wishing to have any sort of conversation with Miriam in the busy CDU. "Sorry?" He stated as he walked purposefully towards her, pushing her back through the door in front of him. Only continuing when they were alone in the corridor. "Why are you here?" He asked simply and it raised a short smile from the woman standing in front of him in spite of the look of betrayal written across her face.

"Charming as ever Dylan," Miriam countered quickly, before beginning to explain why she was in fact in Holby Hospital. "The baby, Nick was telling the me," she replied shortly, and even Dylan could not miss the hurt in her voice that not only he, but also Sam, had chosen not to tell her about their child.

"Yes," he began curtly. "Well now you know don't you?"

"Problems?" Dylan couldn't be certain but he was sure that the dangerous tone to her question meant that she was already aware of all that had happened and for the time being he was determined to keep the truth from the conversation purely because for the time being he was sure that he would not be able to relive the fear and heartbreak he had felt when Lenny had found him in CDU and taken him to an inconsolable Sam.

"Are you doubting my abilities - because you try to tell me that you're the one who taught me all I know often enough?" Dylan stated swiftly in response, and was just about to congratulate himself on his own genius in changing the subject when he noticed Miriam raise her eyebrows and her hands very quickly returned to her hips.

Miriam's response came seemingly without thought. "With Sam?"

"No." Dylan countered and he turned on his heel sharply his intention of getting back to his patients in CDU clear.

"Don't even try to lie to me about the baby Dylan," Miriam has all but hissed at him and Dylan allowed the door to swing back to it's closed position before he turned to face her.

"Mr Jordan tell you that as well did he?" He spoke bitterly yet Miriam seemed unfazed by his tone.

"And you're separated again?" Miriam continued regardless of any indication Dylan was trying to convey that he no longer wanted to discuss the baby or his relationship with in the middle of a corridor.

"You obviously know so I've no idea why you are even asking," He muttered half under his breath.

"Dylan," Miriam's tone was frosty and she sounded a little like a mother warning a petulant toddler about their behaviour.

"Sam felt it was for the best." Dylan had the good grace to look suitably chastised as he answered rather hoping that it would put an end to conversation.

Dylan sighed audibly in fury when Miriam began to speak again. "What I am saying is you deserve to be happy -" She rolled her eyes in despair and continued - taking no notice of his obvious annoyance. "Both of you."

"Yes, right, well, I have to get again," Came Dylan's gruff reply and he was once again halted in his attempts to return to work by Miriam speaking.

"I'm serious Dylan -" she began, "there is someone here who could make you happy and you just let her slip away," Unable to find suitable words to reply to Miriam's words Dylan remained silent and allowed the implication of them to wash over him as he considered the possibility of the thought now in his mind. "Anyway, I'm going to see Sam - think about what I said Dylan," with that final remark he glanced up from the corner of the door frame he'd been pointedly staring since Miriam had mentioned the possibility of happiness and found that he did indeed want to think over Miriam's words. He heard the sound of footsteps which were familiar to him as Zoe's approaching from the opposite end of the corridor and smiled slightly back towards her before re-entering CDU.

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><p>Sam rested against the central desk in the cubicle area watching as her colleagues all seemed to busily working yet feeling so very oddly out of place and like she was an inconvenience when not one of them had taken her up on her offer of help. She was irrationally close to tears when she felt a gentle hand on her shoulder and she looked up in confusion upon turning round and seeing Miriam stood in front of her - watching her as though she might fall apart any minute. Sam considered this briefly and then her own feelings and realised that Miriam would not be far wrong if her expression reflected her true feelings. "Busy?" Miriam asked softly and Sam shook her head weakly, raising her hand to her face - when the implication of her response made her think of the fact that she had felt so incapable of being a good doctor given that she couldn't have considered herself as being busy for the entire day - as the tears began to fall.<p>

"Good," Miriam said simply, leaning in closer to Sam as she raised her own hand to wipe any fallen tears away. "Let's go get a cup of tea," she continued.

Miriam had reached the thankfully empty staff room before her and immediately put her bag on the sofa and began bustling around the kettle and seemed to be preparing to make the tea. Without a word Sam sunk down into the sofa, pulling her legs up to hug to her chest and began to cry quietly into her knees. "Sam?" Miriam spoke from her position by the work surface and Sam couldn't bring herself to respond, she manage to lift her head yet was still unable to cease the now rapidly falling tears. "Sweetheart," Miriam said as she turned around upon Sam's lack of response and rushed across the small space which was separated them and sat down next to her instantly pulling Sam into her arms. As Sam rested her head on Miriam's shoulder the older woman dropped a kiss to the top of Sam's head as she did so.

The noise of the kettle boiling broke the silence which and settled in the room even when Sam's tears had ceased and Miriam moved herself from the sofa in order to make the promised cup of tea, she returned within a minute and two mugs in her hand, she handed one to Sam before putting her own down at the low lying table in front of her. As Miriam sat back down next to Sam she turned to face her and Sam put her own mug down and roughly rubbed at her eyes and face in order to try to remove the tear stains from her face before anyone other than Miriam could see them. "Everything is such a mess," Sam said softly as she shifted in her seat in order to reach her mug again; she took a small sip of her tea and looked at Miriam seriously biting her lower lip nervously wonder quite how she would be able to explain how she'd managed to get herself into quite such a mess when she had only been working with Dylan again for nine months. Sam rested her free hand against her bump gently and spoke again when Miriam did not reply - though from the older woman's expression Sam could tell she was confused about what she was being informed. "I've made such a mess of everything,"

"No," Miriam replied shortly. "You've not, it might be what you planned Sam but you're still here and Dylan's still here and you will both love that baby regardless of the circumstances." Sam nodded at her words yet again feeling the slow build up of tears in her eyes.

"I don't think I can do this at all," Sam's sudden confession shocked even her and she looked at Miriam her eyes wide as she tried to judge what the older woman was thinking.

Miriam never questioned what Sam meant but she still found she had to explain why she was suggesting such a thing; Sam had been thinking about it, and pretty much that alone, for the three days between first reading the leaflets and the present time. "I've been looking into adoption actually," Sam said as she rose to her feet and turned away from Miriam's gaze before wrapping her arms around herself as an act of comfort. Sam jumped slightly when she felt Miriam rest her hand gently on her arms and try to pull her back around to face her.

"Why?"

Sam looked at Miriam before replying, "I'd be an awful mother," at her words Miriam raised her eyebrows and moved away from her quickly, lifting her bag from the sofa and Sam really thought that she was about to be abandoned by the one woman who she thought could help her.

"Come on," Miriam said suddenly, confusing Sam completely. "We're going to get you home and we're going to talk about this properly," Sam blinked in confusion and quickly shook her head not wanting to discuss her decision after her altercation with Lenny earlier in the week over it she knew that Miriam would be, like Lenny, against the idea and try to talk her out of her plans. Not that she had known where to start in making them. After a few moments she nodded her head softly and moved towards her locker.

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><p>As Zoe Hanna stood resting against the wall to the ED entrance to the hospital she pulled a cigarette from the packet in her hand before lighting it and reflecting on quite what she had just agreed to. She wasn't sure what Dylan's conversation with Miriam was about but she knew that his sudden and somewhat startling question had followed the conversation. Putting the cigarette to her lips and exhaling quickly Zoe's thought turned to the fact that she was stood waiting on Dr Keogh transferring his final patient of the day in order to accompany him for dinner. Zoe was neither sure why Dylan had asked her to dinner nor why she had agreed to the invite in the first place but she was sure that she had no concept of whether or not she was looking forward to the night at all.<p>

Zoe stubbed the cigarette out against the wall and disposed of it quickly in the bin attached to the wall next to her. She was momentarily distracted by the sight of Linda, Lenny and Tom leaving the department in jovial spirits and the nurse called over to her as they did. "Pub?" She questioned. Zoe shook her head softly unsure if she even wanted to reveal her evening plans with quite so many members of her work colleagues.

"Not tonight," She responded and she seen the exchange of looks of confusion between the three stood in front of her before they bid her goodnight and crossed the car park - Zoe could hear the joyful spirits of her colleagues until they disappeared into the pub and out of sight.

"Ready?" Zoe jumped in fright at the sound of the male voice behind her before realising that it was Dylan. She nodded quickly and crossed the car park to follow him to car, feeling oddly grateful that she'd walked to work that morning and she would not be leaving her car in the car park over night to face the questions of her workmates tomorrow morning.

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><p><strong>As ever, thank you for reading, and do feel free to leave a review telling me what you think - whether you liked or you didn't<strong>

**Anny x **


	25. Chapter 25

**Apparently I'm getting back into the swing of weekly updates, so hopefully it'll remain that way. This still has such a ridiculously way to go still - I was a bit afraid that I'd never be getting it finished, perhaps I'm more hopeful now - though, saying that was probably a bad sign. However..**

**As ever this is dedicated to Callie (because who else is still up at 3 in the morning when random characters are telling you random thoughts?), ficmouse (because we enjoy disturbing & distressing each other with random plot lines - often of the heartbreaking genre.) & the lovely Meggi - and at one point I'll reply to an email on time, I promise... **

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><p>Sam emerged from the shower on an average Tuesday morning - despite the complete regularity of the day and the decision that she'd made - she found herself unable to prevent the smile spreading gently crossing her lips as she looked into the full length mirror and caught sight of the roundness of her small bump. After the painfully frightening experiences Sam had been forced to deal with during her pregnancy - much like reaching the twenty-five week mark had been, before the subsequent stress that day had brought - the knowledge that she only had to carry her unborn daughter for another twelve weeks before she could bring her safely into the world was encouraging. Moving swiftly from the mirror Sam sat down on the edge of her bed and retrieved her hairdryer from its position on the floor by her feet. Rubbing a hand across her tired eyes Sam switched the appliance on and set about preparing herself for the working day ahead of her.<p>

Some half hour later Sam found that she was running ahead of her schedule and unlike many other mornings of late she was able to sit down on her sofa with a cup of tea and a slice of toast and butter before she set off for work. As unusual as the experience was Sam found that it was a most pleasant start to the day and as lifted her handbag from its position on the arm of the sofa she left the house. Noticing the clear skies Sam found that she was looking forward to what was looking likely to be a very relaxing walk to work. With a quick double check that she had all she would need for her day with her, Sam locked the door and set off.

Upon entering the department she was met by the smiling face of Zoe, who before Sam could have realistically reached her side had scurried off in the opposite direction, something which had been an regular occurrence over the past week. Sam couldn't be certain but she was fairly certain that she knew the cause of Zoe's actions and although she felt she should make both Dylan and Zoe aware that she knew of their rekindled relationship, the thought of doing so made her feeling frighteningly nauseous and she couldn't bring herself to start the discussion. Sam let the staffroom door fall closed behind her as she sat down and reflected on the moment that Tom had inadvertently spilled the beans on that particular development in Dylan's life assuming that she would already have been aware. Sam had found, unexpectedly, that no tears fell at Tom's words and she was able to simply return to the x-ray she had been examining at the time.

Sam stood from her position and moved towards her locker to retrieve her stethoscope, as she did so she found herself glancing out of the window and immediately she caught sight of Dylan and Zoe talking with their heads bowed together in the corner of the room, she noticed Lenny walk by them as she did so and did not miss his double take as he walked towards the central desk. Sam turned quickly away from the window, taking a deep breath as she did so, suddenly feeling a rush of sadness upon seeing them together. Tears were prickling at the back of Sam eye's as Tom walked in, and his concern was evident almost at once. "Sam?" He questioned and in response shook her head softly, turning away from his gaze quickly.

Blinking any threat of tears away Sam turned around to face Tom and offered him a small smile. "I'm fine." She began and Tom looked sceptical however he said nothing. "I was just thinking," Sam explained. "I can't tell you now, later I promise." Sam concluded softly letting her hand fall onto Tom's chest and smiled up at him again in reassurance that everything was ok. Sam wasn't entirely sure about her newly hatched plan herself yet but she knew that she'd have to sound out Dylan's idea on the subject before she could possibly suggest something so major to him, given that there was no time like the present Sam reasoned that she'd try to get some time alone with her husband this evening - at some point after their shifts.

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><p>Sam had managed to get a moment alone with Dylan on her lunch break, when she'd entered the staffroom, salad sandwich in hand, she immediately put the kettle on and pulled both her mug and Dylan's - which she was surprised to note that he wasn't using - from the cupboard and sat down next to him without comment. Dylan did not bother to react to her presence and even when Sam had made tea for herself and a coffee for him he only managed a tiny tight smile of thanks when she pushed the mug into his hands.<p>

"We need to talk," Sam began and Dylan looked up at her in confusion and then his expression quite suddenly changed to one of complete concern. "There is nothing wrong," Sam stated simple reading his expression.

"Then why?" Dylan had countered quite suddenly, putting his mug down on the low lying coffee table and turning to face Sam.

Sam paused momentarily and she considered the idea of curling into Dylan's chest and hoping that he would just hold her until she felt better, her worst nightmare had always been to cry in front of him - but that had truly been shattered over the years - yet in this precise moment that fear had crept back up on her and once again she was less than successful in being able to prevent tears in front of Dylan. Never before had Sam been so grateful for Dylan than she had when he pulled her into his arms and was able to provide her with some comfort.

A sense of overpowering sadness fell over Sam as she realise that not only was she probably never going to feel this comfort from him again but reflecting on her current predicament she pulled herself from Dylan's arms and sat upright with the realisation that she would need to tell him that she knew about him and Zoe. "Our daughter needs a name," Sam said regardless of how she was really feeling. "I thought I could come round after work?" She questioned lightly turning around to meet Dylan's eye and she was pleased that she was able to see a hint of happiness in his eyes.

"A name?" Dylan said and Sam found herself smiling at his cheerful tone.

"Yes,"

"Right," Dylan spoke hesitantly and Sam was forced to wonder whether or not that her very forward approach to getting a decision on whether she'd be able to see her daughter cared for.

"Do you and Zoe have plans?" Sam questioned in sudden realisation that she may actually be interfering on a night which Dylan and Zoe had planned to spend together.

"You know," Dylan's cheeks coloured slightly and Sam was forced the suppress a small smile.

"Yes," came Sam's short response she paused momentarily before continuing. "Don't explain Dylan, it's fine."

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><p>As planned Sam arrived at the mooring of Dylan's boat - as her day had begun, she was five minutes early and sat nervously in the car, drumming her fingers against the steering wheel. By rights Sam knew she shouldn't be feeling nervous at all however the concept of discussing something as important and vital in their baby's life. Sam had made the decision that afternoon that she would let Dylan choose their daughter's name, if only to allow him to feel involved in the decisions and then hopefully it would help his decision in the question which could not be asked until she was aware that she'd receive a positive answer.<p>

With a final steadying breath Sam opened her car door and began the short walk onto Dylan's boat, at the sound of her heels on the wooden barge Sam heard the barking of Dervla who had obviously not been expecting a house-guest that evening. Dylan was at the open front door waiting on her before Sam had even reached the final step. "Hi." She spoke softly.

"Samantha," Dylan's voice saying her full name sounded odd to ears after not having him call her that for so long.

Sam followed Dylan on to the boat, only pausing to close the front door behind herself once she was safely indoors much to Dervla's obvious displeasure, watching as the dog padded back to the kitchen somewhat dejectedly and was sure that Dervla had even managed to close the door further with a swing of her tail on the way. Sam sat down on the sofa opposite the arm chair which had always been Dylan's seat of choice, and even in spite of the marriage vows between and the fact that she'd been living here not that long ago Sam was painfully aware of the awkward silence that had descended since she'd actually came aboard the boat. "What do you think?" Sam asked only as a way to break the silence.

"Sorry?" Dylan's confusion was evident as he spoke."Calling the baby," Sam replied short, stung, and she tried to disguise the hurt that she was feeling over the clear unimportance Dylan felt about something she found so important.

"Never thought about names," Dylan replied at once, and silence once again lapsed around leaving Sam wondering just when things had gotten so very difficult and distant between them.

"Right," Sam said as though it was an end to the matter. "I just thought that you'd like to be involved," She said suddenly and even she could hear that she was unable to keep the harsh, hurt tone from her voice.

"I do." Dylan's response was expectedly short and sharp.

"Sorry."

"I think you used to have a book, did you not?" Dylan muttered, almost to himself and Sam found that she was not required to reply as he moved from his seated position to the bookshelf behind him. "It'll be here somewhere -" He stopped speaking suddenly and began moving various medical textbooks Sam recognised, some of which were her own or ones in which Dylan had bought her insisting that she would find them helpful - Sam had long since suspected that Dylan had found more use from them than her and in fact she'd often seen him poring over one until the tiny hours of the morning when he'd still been a GP.

"I was thinking about Martha." Sam offered helpfully.

"Hm," Dylan appeared to consider her suggestion, as he eventually emerged from the bookcase victorious, clutching the small book that Sam had never been given the option to open, despite buying it almost four years previously. "We'll see what the book says," Sam watched as Dylan beginning flicking through the pages until he'd located her name of choice. "Martha, mistress." Dylan read aloud and Sam could tell from the look on his face that he was not convinced. "I don't think so Sam,"

After a few moments of pages turning and Sam sitting in silence, Dylan raised his head from the pages and spoke softly, a small smile beginning to appear on his lips as he did. "Sophie, it means wisdom." Sam smiled up at him at his words. "She's our Sophie." Dylan stated simply and reached across the sofa to take her hand and given the way in which Sam's eyes had begun to water she was grateful for the comfort - even more so when he joined her on the sofa and let his hand rest gently on her bump as he assured their daughter in barely audible whispers that she was their perfect little Sophie and he'd always be there from her. Dylan's words where all Sam needed to hear to know that she'd made the correct decision and she now only had to talk to Zoe before they could hopefully, together, approach Dylan with her suggestion.

* * *

><p>After half an hour of inane and awkward small talk Sam had quietly excused herself from Dylan's company under the guise of feeling tired and wanting an early night; an excuse that she couldn't get her own head around given that Dylan was in a relationship with a colleague and here she was lying about the fact that she had agreed to meet Tom for dinner once her meeting with Dylan was over. After all it was just dinner with a friend who cared about how she was feeling. She climbed into her car throwing her bag down on the passenger seat and pulled her phone from her pocket before she bothered to start the engine. Sam waited patiently as the phone began to ring, she had told Tom that she'd call when she was leaving Dylan's and he had agreed that he'd meet her at her flat with some form of take-out. "Hello," Sam spoke loudly recognising that from the hustle and bustle in the background that Tom was still in the pub. He informed here that he was grabbing his coat and stepping outside to hear her properly and once again Sam fell into silence.<p>

"Yes," Sam said clearly responding to Tom's questioning of whether or not she was still there. "I've just left Dylan's," Sam continued by way of explanation of her phone call. She muttered encouraging thoughts to Tom's question of how the night went and he countered that she could tell him all about once they were safely on her couch. She'd laughed at his reply and allowed her mind to travel to what she was actually considering telling Tom this evening. Sam was prised from her silent thoughts by Tom querying what she would like to eat. "Anything," she began at first and as Tom informed her lightheartedly that it was her choice and that perhaps she should consult with her daughter Sam giggled and allowed her free hand to sit gently on her stomach. She reasoned that perhaps Tom did have a point, given the subject matter she was planning on bringing up with him she was already feeling slightly sick and concluded that perhaps it would be safer all round if she had something bland to eat, if, of course, she was actually planning on enjoying her dinner. "Pizza," Sam said after deliberation and she could not help but hear the agreement in Tom's tone as he asked her preference. "Cheese," she replied instantaneously and Tom murmured his approval, informing her that he'd be around half an hour. "See you then," Sam said. "Bye." Sam hung up cheerfully and pushing her phone back into her bag she turned the ignition and pulled away from Dylan's boat and driving the ten minute distance to her own flat.

* * *

><p>Sam thought that she'd been home for around fifteen minutes and had successfully changed into leggings and long t-shirt making herself much more comfortable than her linen trousers and jacket had been when the doorbell rang. She moved from the sink where she was pouring herself a glass of water and padded down her hall way pulling the door open, and coming face to face with Tom's smiling face and the pizza boxes that were in his hands, Sam took them from him and motioned him in. As she wandered back up the hallway towards the kitchen Sam heard Tom close the door behind himself then within seconds he was at her heels following her into the small kitchen, watching as she sourced plates from the cupboard by the bin and turned with a smile to hand him his own slices of pizza back.<p>

"Drink?" Sam queried lightly, as she picked up her own glass of water. "I'd offer you wine," she began with a slight smile. "But that's not been in the flat for months now," she clarified gesturing her small bump with a giggle.

Tom's smiled at her remark and shook his head anyway before speaking. "No, I'm fine, thanks." Sam nodded and moved from the small kitchenette towards the living area and slipped herself down onto the sofa where Tom joined her within moments.

Sam reached down and placed her plate down on her coffee table after her second slice and Ton looked up at her in concern. "Feeling alright?" He asked softly.

"Mm," Sam began shifting in her seat in order to tuck her legs underneath herself. "Yeah." She concluded softly and leant back to allow her head to rest against the back of her sofa almost jumping in fright when Tom's hand reached out to touch her face, moving her hair from her eyes and she smiled sleepily at him. "She'd called Sophie," Sam stated calmly.

Tom raised his eyebrows gently and placed his half eaten slice of pizza back down onto his plate before speaking. "Your baby?" He asked and Sam nodded.

"It means wisdom," Sam continued allowing a smile to grace her lips before answering Tom's next question before he'd even got to ask it. "Dylan looked in a book." She said giggling all the while.

"Of course he did," Tom said softly.

Sam shifted upwards on the sofa and reached back across the table to retrieve the glass of water she'd abandoned when she'd first sat down. Noting that Tom was finished his pizza, she reached out to take the empty plate and placed her own on top of his before standing up and returning to the kitchen with the empty dishes. "Coffee?" Sam called out and when she turned jumped upon seeing Tom standing just behind her.

"Please," Sam smiled and turned around to lift two mugs and sourced her coffee jar and teabags before switching the kettle on. "You seem on edge." Tom stated knowingly and Sam couldn't bring herself to turn around meet his eye knowing he was right.

"Later," she said clearly. "Go sit back down." The soft footsteps indicated that Tom had done as he was told. Sam took a few steadying breaths as the kettle boiled and set about pouring water into mugs. "Milk, sugar?" She called behind her in question.

"Just milk," came the response.

Disposing of the tea bag and lifting her own mug to her lips, Sam cursed herself for not thinking that the water would be boiling, flinching as she did so. She moved from the kitchen to her living room, where she'd been watching as Tom seemed to be familiarising himself with her flat, a mug in each hand as her companion turned around seemingly aware of not being alone in the room anymore. Sam had been lost in the thoughts of her conversation with Dylan since their shift had ended however she was sure she'd managed to at least keep a blank expression on her face.

"I'm not sure if I can bring up this baby knowing that he loves her," Sam began in a rush, ducking her head at the look of both shock and confusion which was evident on her companions face. "Knowing that he loves Zoe, and they can't have what they want." She continued, ignoring anything which Tom's face had been hinting to her.

She was almost grateful for the briefest of moments when her guest seemed to find his voice. "What are you getting at here, Sam?" Tom's query had been innocent, yet from the bewildered look still fixed on his face she knew that he would not approve of her cleverly concocted plan which she was certain would be best for everyone.

"I think," she began, determinedly, desperate to not sound as unconfident as she felt about the arrangement Sam was certain that she'd need to put towards Zoe almost imminently. "Once I have the baby, it would be best if I let Dylan and Zoe bring her up." She concluded with an air of certainty that Sam was sure she didn't feel despite having already assured herself that this was a arrangement which would almost certainly benefit her child. She looked back towards Tom and the unreadable expression on his face, he seemed lost for words and Sam wasn't sure that she had any of her own to offer him either. "I'm going to talk to Zoe about it," she eventually offered and was again met with a shocked silence.

"You really want that?" Tom asked eventually and he padded across the short distance that was in between them, removing her mug from her hands and putting it down with his on the table, both reaching out to her again and taking both of her hand pulling her down onto the sofa beside her. Sam nodded quickly in reply and allowed herself to be pulled into Tom's arms letting her head rest against his chest, feeling reassured by the gentle rising and falling of his chest as they remained curled together on her sofa in complete silence.

"Do you think," Sam began suddenly before pausing and not finishing her question, she felt Tom shift slightly in his seat as he did so and manoeuvred them so that he was facing her, his hands had found hers again and Sam found herself clutching to him as she tried to find the right words to ask the question that she desperately needed the answer to. "Do you think," Sam began again and this time as she looked up at Tom's face she seen all the concern and encouragement that she needed to ask the question. "Do you think I'd be a good mum?"

Tom frowned at Sam's question, at a loss for what to say which make her believe his genuine positive reply. "Of course," Tom began and Sam looked up at him in disbelief. He extended his arm slowly and let his knuckles gaze Sam's cheek gently, Sam reached up and caught his hand with her own before holding it in it's position on her cheek. "I do." Tom answered. "You'll be wonderful," He clarified and Sam looked up with a smile on her face and gently moved her hand towards her lap, keeping Tom's hand tight in her grip.

"I'm frightened," Sam's voice was barely a whisper and caused Tom to look to her in confusion.

"Frightened?" He repeated.

"That I won't be able to cope," she began as way of explanation before expanding. "That she's going to cry all the time and I'm not going to know what she wants," as the words left her mouth Sam realised that after weeks of being unsure what was frightening her so much about having her baby. The fact that she was excited to hold her daughter in arms and feel the complete love that she knew she was supposed to feel did not quash any feelings of fear that she had about becoming a mother.

"And you think that every new mum I speak to, doesn't tell me that at least once?" Tom questioned with such a certainty that it gave Sam a small amount of hope. Hope that she managed to successfully bury again, because she had made her decision and she knew that it was for the best, if only to give Sophie a proper mummy and daddy.

* * *

><p>Tom had long since kicked his own legs up onto the sofa, and pulled Sam more securely into his arms, where she remained her head rested against his chest the steady beating of his heart was not helping her drowsiness. Sam let her eyes flutter shut in exhaustion and as Tom noted this he spoke softly. "I should be going you're obviously exhausted."<p>

Sam shook her head against his chest and Tom tried to see her face, she opened her eyes momentarily and spoke quietly. "No," her words confused him and he accepted her answer, pulling his arms tighter around Sam as he pressed a kiss to her forehead.

Tom smiled softly to himself as Sam's breathing evened out and she seemed to slip into a peaceful sleep. He considered the position that he now found himself in following Sam's sudden confession about her plans, he wasn't even certain that Zoe would take her up on her offer, he'd even seen any signs that the elder woman had any interest in having children. However, now Tom found himself dealing with the realisation that he'd be forced to pick up the pieces if Sam's plans were less than successful. He had no doubt in his mind that Sam would be able to cope the realities of being a mother, it would difficult at first but it was the same for everyone, he was sure. He pressed a kiss against the top of Sam's head and he allowed his thoughts to drift to the idea that if she was so concerned about bringing up her daughter alone, and if it wasn't to be with Dylan, then he could help her as much as she needed and she'd be able to be a mum to Sophie - instead of giving her away and watching her daughter learn to call another woman mum.

* * *

><p><strong>So if you are here, thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a review telling me what you like and, of course, if you didn't, what you didn't...<strong>

**Anny** **x **


	26. Chapter 26

**I think I promised that over the summer I would update more than once a week, however that was not to be it seems until now. But only because I made odd amounts of progress this evening. So yes, I have an update less than a week after the last - does that make that promise a success? **

**As ever, to the lovely Meggi, Callie and ficmouse - the latter two for being awake at silly times when there are distressing ideas to discuss. However, this update goes particularly to Callie as she may actually appreciate the implications that have occurred through madness. **

**And course to Abbie for reviewing and I do remember the conversation - and I loved it on screen too - and to those have been reading & following, that makes me smile. **

* * *

><p>Sam sat down hurriedly in the staff room and in spite of what she had told Tom, she hadn't quite been able to pluck up the courage to put her idea to Zoe. In fact even some six days later Sam wasn't certain that she really did want to make the suggestion, however time was getting on and realistically Sam knew she wasn't giving Zoe a whole lot of time to think about the offer. Sam was still pondering whether or not she would be able to hand over baby Sophie and not look back when she was living so very close. Lost in her thoughts Sam had not realised that Tom had joined her in the staff room, standing a few steps away from where she was curled up on the sofa in the far corner of the room watching her cautiously. "Sam?" He queried lightly. Sam looked up in fright at the sound of her name and Tom was already stood in front of her. "You're crying," he began softly.<p>

"Oh," Sam murmured softly raising her hand to her cheeks to wipe away tears which she wasn't aware she'd been crying. "I didn't realise," she admitted quietly and allowed herself to be drawn into Tom's arms.

"I'm going to speak to Zoe today," Sam confided slowly.

Tom moved quickly from her side, holding her at arm's length and looking at her in concern before seeming to find his voice. "You are really certain about this?" He asked and Sam nodded on instinct before she even had time to process the question.

"Yes," she assured. "I've thought about it Tom, it's for the best. A proper mummy and daddy, that's what I want her to have," Sam concluded and Tom nodded a few times and seemed reluctant to speak.

Sam struggled against Tom's grip and slipped back against his chest feeling somewhat relieved when Tom wrapped his arms back around her. Turning so they were face to face Sam tilted her head upwards to pressed a kiss to Tom's cheek and raised her hand to stroke his other cheek before snuggling herself back into his arms. "Thank-you,"

"What for?" Came Tom's startled reply.

"Everything," Sam shifted her hand and reached out to hold Tom's hand before they lapsed into silence and Sam considered the possibility of still being Sophie's mum. Her feelings confused her and she was inclined to blame her hormones but ever since the night that she'd fallen asleep with him on her sofa, the thought of her being Sophie's mummy, with a daddy for her little girl, had never been far from her mind. She had written it off as silly day dream at the first thought. However the more she seen of Tom the less easy it was for Sam to block that thought from her mind. He was the one who was there for her, holding her close when she needed it, listening to her countless reasons as to why Sophie would be in better hands with Zoe and Dylan than herself. Tom spoke into her hair and Sam couldn't work out what he said, but found that his actual words did not matter and she was relived to just have his arms around her.

* * *

><p>"Sam," The staff room door opened with a squeak and both Sam and Tom jumped apart quickly at the sudden interference. "You said that you had something to ask me?" It was Zoe. Tom stood up quickly, yet he stepped to Sam's side and rested a hand on her shoulder in reassurance, before leaving the room letting the door fall closed behind himself.<p>

"Yes," Sam began, moving from her seated position towards the kitchenette "Tea?" She offered Zoe but the older woman was already by her side switching the kettle on to boil.

"I'll make it, tea?" Zoe offered and Sam merely nodded before retreating to her original position on the sofa, pulling her legs underneath herself again, and lifting a cushion from the opposite side of the sofa and hugging it to her chest as she pondered quite how she was going to go about convincing Zoe that bringing up Sophie with Dylan would be in everyone's best interests. Sam was sure she was right, she knew that she would benefit from knowing that Sophie was in the care of trustworthy people; Dylan clearly doted on his as of yet unborn daughter no matter how much he tried to hide it Sam knew that he loved Sophie. From that very short conversation with Zoe months previously, Sam did know that to have learnt she was unable to carry a child meant that at some point Zoe had considered the possibility of being a mother. The older doctor had looked so heartbroken when they'd discussed it and Sam was sure that she'd love to have a baby and be a mother.

"Do you love Dylan?" Sam asked suddenly, as Zoe was walking towards her carrying two mugs in her hands.

Zoe placed the mugs down onto the table, and Sam smiled in thanks, with a look of confusion on her face. "Sorry?" Zoe queried seeming stunned by Sam's words.

Sam had no idea how she would be able to explain why she was asking the question, but given what she was just about to ask of both Zoe and Dylan she really had to know just how serious the couple were about each other. Pretending that it didn't pain her every day had been horrific even when she'd watched them just talk about a patient, in fact when she'd watched them leave in the same car she'd had been forced to flee to the toilets in fear of crying about it in front of her remaining colleagues. A fairly shocked Miriam had been subjected to a tearful phone call about the development and had almost left at once to be by Sam's side. In the end Sam had cried herself sick before curling under her duvet in the hope that the pain would go away before morning. "Do you think that you could be together forever?"

"I suppose," Zoe's confusion and concern was evident on her face. Zoe reached out gently to take Sam's hand in her own and seemed to pause, as though waiting to see why Sam had wanted to talk to her this lunchtime.

"I've got a suggestion you might like," Sam began, hoping that even in spite of the lack of confidence she felt about broaching the subject she came across as far more sure about what she was asking. "I've been thinking, a lot, and Sophie," She paused upon saying her daughter's name and considered that perhaps Zoe would not be aware of who Sophie was - Sam couldn't be certain whether or not the fact that they had named their baby would have been information which Dylan would have found necessary to share. "Did Dylan tell you we were calling her Sophie?" She asked quietly, a small smile tugged at the corners of Sam's lips and she looked up at Zoe properly for the first time since she'd sat down next to her.

"Yes,"

"Well Sophie - she deserves a mummy and a daddy the way the other children do," Sam concluded and she rather hoped that Zoe had mind reading abilities because even after all her to decisions and plucking up the courage to discuss the matter with Zoe, she wasn't entirely sure if she could trust herself to say the words out loud.

"She has," Zoe responded, clearly bemused.

"No, one's who live in the same house," Sam's point was countered in a harsh tone that even she recognised, and instantly regretted it, she was meant to unaffected by Zoe and Dylan's relationship, she'd told Linda that and managed to half reassure Tom only two nights previously before sobbing in his arms about the jealously she felt upon seeing that they both had someone to love them. Tom had looked deeply uncomfortable before he'd been able to offer any words of comfort. She'd wept until she felt dangerously sick, and after calming herself down, Tom had supervised as she sipped at a glass of water before tucking her into her bed and staying until she fell asleep before spending the night on the sofa telling her the next morning that he was afraid of leaving her on her own. Sam had been mortified by her own reaction the next morning and apologised profusely, each time being met by Tom's reassurance that no apology was necessary.

"I don't think I understand what you're getting at here Sam," Zoe spoke softly, pulling Sam from her thoughts.

"You and Dylan," Sam began and her companion had looked at her in confusion before raising an eyebrow yet Zoe said nothing in reply. Sam considered how best to word her request given the fact that she had already started explain why she had desperately wanted a chance to speak to Zoe. "I want you and Dylan to have Sophie." The words came quickly once she'd found them and the shock of Sam's statement was clear on Zoe's face. Sam wasn't sure that Zoe would even agree now that she'd seen her stunned reaction to the suggestion. "If you want that is?" Sam finished softly, suddenly averting her gaze to the ground as she waited on Zoe's response.

"I," Zoe began, seemingly unsure of what she was even planning on saying. "Um," Zoe faltered and Sam looked up at her in panic, chewing on the lower lip nervously, wondering if it would be possible that Zoe might not accept her suggestion. "Can I get back to you?" Zoe eventually managed in a coherent sentence and Sam nodded her softly in reply before the older woman got up and quickly departed from the staff room.

* * *

><p>Sam had not moved from her position on the sofa since Zoe had left hurriedly fifteen minutes beforehand. She had remained lost in a world of her own and had not even heard Tom entering the staff room or approach her; he was stood looking concerned when Sam looked up. "Lunch?" Tom questioned softly and Sam once again glanced up to be met with a look of complete concern, she nodded her head slowly - feeling that was the answer Tom was looking for.<p>

"I need some fresh air," Sam stated hurriedly and stood quickly before padding across the room without bothering to see if Tom was following her. Tom looked at Sam's treating form in confusion and picked the sandwiches, he had placed on the counter when he first entered the room, back up before following Sam out the door.

"Sam," Tom called out after the blonde doctor and she kept walking forwards. "Sam." He tried again and yet again Sam made no attempt to even acknowledge Tom's presence at her heels. "Sam, slow down," it seemed that Sam had came to understand his words the moment she was out the doors of the hospital, the blonde woman had bent over slightly gasping desperately as though trying to fill her lungs with air. "What's wrong?" Tom continued, forced both of the packaged sandwiches into one hand and resting his now free hand on Sam's back rubbing it gently until she raised herself to a more upright position. Tom pushed her gently towards the Peace Garden and held her arm as she made to sit down. He sat next to her and put a sandwich on Sam's lap indicating that it was hers before opening his own and biting into it and turning to face Sam.

"I think I just made a huge mistake," Sam offered lightly, as she pulled at her own sandwich wrapping before placing the plastic container back down onto her knees, she shook her head lightly and pulled one sandwich from the wrapper.

"Sorry?" Tom asked softly, his confusion apparent, Sam glanced up at him considered what she was going to explain, after all Tom had said in an attempt to stop her from going ahead with her plans, what was currently bothering her so much.

"I asked Zoe about her and Dylan raising Sophie after she was born," she offered lightly, before finally making an attempt to eat the sandwich, taking a small bite Sam looked back towards Tom and could tell that he was struggling with what she seemed to be telling him.

"And you regret it?" Tom questioned lightly and turned slight in order to take Sam's hand. His female companion shook her head in a negative answer yet he continued to speak. "Listen, Sam, Zoe will understand," Tom tried slowly still seemingly oblivious to what problem Sam really had on her mind.

"No it's not that," Sam responded the moment that she'd found her voice and even in spite of Tom's lack of reply she could read his confusion. "I don't think that she's going to agree Tom." Sam finally clarified and upon seeing that Tom was planning on responding to her words Sam spoke again, quickly, before he could do. "And if she doesn't, then I'm never going to know whether or not Sophie is safe and well looked after, am I?" Sam stated suddenly and Tom could not find anything to say.

They ate lunch in complete silence every so often Tom would glance in Sam's direction despite all that she was saying he could see the sadness in her eyes and he could only assume that it was related to the announcement she had just made. Tom was considering that perhaps Sam would come to her senses about giving up Sophie when the reality of what she had asked Zoe to do and the fact that she'd be forced to keep her distance from the child that she'd always wanted sunk in. "What are two hiding from then?" Lenny's voice broke into Tom's thoughts and from the corner of his eye he watched as Sam flinched and turned her head to look up at the new arrival.

"I've decided that I'm not going to keep Sophie once she's born," Sam responded as if it was the most simple decision in the world, and Tom's eyes met Lenny's and he read the same amount of confusion in the Scottish doctor's eyes than he felt himself about the seemingly irrational and little thought out decision which Sam had made.

"No?" Lenny countered and Tom was surprised that he had been able to fins his voice given the information which Sam had just disclosed to him.

"No." Sam confirmed and Tom shook his head lightly and she glanced up at him, biting her lower lip seemingly in thought before turning to Lenny and the look of disbelief on his face did not escape her. "I'm going to give her to Dylan and Zoe," Sam concluded.

"I'm sorry?" Lenny's confusion was evident and Sam reached out to take Tom's hand seeming in a need for comfort. Tom found himself desperately wanting to provide Sam with the reassurance that she so obviously craved but was certain that he was still feeling the same disbelief as Lenny.

"Sophie needs a mummy and daddy - they're perfect," Sam stated defensively and Lenny seemed taken aback by the harshness of her words, however Sam did not look at either of the men who were around her and shuffled closely into Tom's side bringing her head to rest gently against his shoulder.

"Sam," Lenny began and successfully got Sam's attention as she raised her head from Tom's shoulder. "You don't think that you can be the mummy in that situation?" Lenny asked more quietly than he'd be speaking before and Sam appeared confused by the suggestion.

"Of course not," Sam responded suddenly with a hint of complete alarm evident in her tone. "Me and Dylan?" She queried with a smile to her lips, as though she found the situation the most confusing one that she had ever encountered which given the fact that she was married to Dylan, Tom could not appreciate her confusion. "Don't be ridiculous, we'd never make it work." Sam concluded suddenly and Tom did not miss the sadness in her tone.

"Right," Lenny began hurriedly and Sam once again rested her head on Tom's shoulder and he could not help his arms wrapping around softly holding her closer than she had been previously. "Not exactly what I meant Sam," Lenny all but whispered and Sam did not move from her position but she felt the movement of Tom and suddenly found herself pushed back into a seated position.

"I'm going back inside," Tom stated suddenly and rose from his seat before walking away from Sam and Lenny without looking back.

Sam sat in silence and even as Lenny sat next to her she could not bring herself to turn round and face him; she had understood the meaning behind Lenny's words even if she had chosen not to acknowledge it. She knew that her feelings for Tom were becoming somewhat confused in her own head, she'd always known that he had cared, he cared about everyone he came into contact with, but after falling asleep against his chest the previous week she hadn't been able to deal with her rapidly changing feelings towards him. It had startled her that Lenny seemed to be aware of what was going on inside her head, perhaps even before she did. Sam rested her hand gently on her small bump and sighed miserably as she considered that the truth of Lenny's words were to suggest that she and Tom could raise Sophie in the same situation which Dylan and Zoe would.

* * *

><p>Tess sat down suddenly in the chair which was usually Charlie's in her office in complete shock, Zoe followed suit and the nurse glanced at her companion before she could speak again. "She asked what?" Tess said, still seeming shocked and disbelieving of what Zoe had just stated, she was sure she heard her incorrectly.<p>

"If I would raise the baby with Dylan," Zoe confirmed just as simply as she had stated only moments before. Tess shook her head softly, she was sure that it was just a moment of confusion Sam was going through as the end of her pregnancy approached and she was beginning to feel frightened by the position she was going to be in in a few months time.

"You know that you can't agree to that, don't you?" Tess stated suddenly.

"Why couldn't we?" Zoe responded harshly and Tess raised an eyebrow at the doctor as she realised that Zoe was very possibly considering that Sam's suggestion may have been a logical decision. "I mean it's what Sam wants," Zoe continued and Tess rolled her eyes in bewilderment, "Dylan is Sophie's father," Zoe concluded sharply her voice raised.

"But you are not her mother, are you?" Tess had not meant to raise her voice to match the level of Zoe's yet she had and Zoe had almost looked hurt by the question before she stood angrily and Tess was sure that she was about to leave the office. Sighing in relief Tess smiled apologetically to the doctor as she sat down again, shaking her head lightly and seeming to accept that what Sam had asked was not a simple wish.

"But it's what Sam wants," Zoe countered, and at that moment Tess realised that it may also be what Zoe wanted and now that the idea was open to her she would find it difficult to down Sam's offer.

"Zoe," Tess began in a sympathetic tone. "Could you really take someone else's baby?" Tess questioned lightly and Zoe was not able to answer the question. "Could you really take Sam's baby then expect her to watch you and Dylan bring up the baby as if she was nothing to do with her?" Tess finally asked sharply, unable to understand why anyone would think that they would be able to take someone else's baby and not feel some guilt about the mother who no longer had their child to love.

"Sam asked me!" Zoe countered in seeming agitation at Tess' words. Tess rolled her eyes in frustration and shook her head in response to Zoe's point.

"Put yourself in her shoes, could you do that?" Tess questioned suddenly in complete frustration as Zoe seemed reluctant to accept that what Sam wanted her to do today, would possibly not be what the younger woman wanted the moment she gave birth and seen her tiny daughter.

"It's what Sam wants!" Zoe continued indignantly and Tess frowned at her colleague's words.

"I want no part in this," Tess declared suddenly and then quickly rose to leave the room, slamming the door behind her as she did so. Zoe was left alone in the small office as she considered the possibility that she may cause Sam some amount of harm if she really did take Sophie to raise as her own. She wondered if she would ever be able to raise the idea with Dylan and concluded that she must first make the decision of whether or not she'd be able to bring Sophie up before she mentioned it to Dylan. It wasn't as if Zoe did not want a child, she always had, and suddenly she only one word away from getting what she'd always wanted in just eleven weeks time. It was a difficult decision and Zoe wasn't sure that she'd even have the courage to make the suggestion which Sam had, if she'd been her position, without doubts that she'd not be able to cope without the daughter whose arrival she'd been excitedly awaiting since she learned of her existence.

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><p>Sam's door bell rung around quarter past eight, she'd made dinner arrangements with Tom which had completely slipped her mind after the afternoon she'd had. She rushed towards the door and swung it open automatically and was relieved to see Tom's smiling face at the other side of the door. "Hi," Sam offered softly and stepped away from the door, letting Tom into the flat before closing the door behind him.<p>

"Hi," Tom began. "Sam, I'm sorry, I left you earlier." Tom offered softly and Sam took in the words and nodded her head once before shaking her head gently and she realised quickly she must vocalise her understanding.

"It's fine," came Sam's response. "You had to go back to work, I do understand that." Sam spoke quickly and in truth she knew it was true but she wasn't quite ready to admit to anyone but herself that she'd have much preferred to remain in Tom's arms for the rest of her shift.

"I brought dinner," Tom offered waving the pizza box in his hand and Sam smiled at him.

"Did you?" Sam queried lightly.

"Pizza again," Tom spoke unnecessarily. "I wasn't sure how you were feeling," He stated in reference to her ill feeling the week previous when she had only wanted to eat pizza.

"Go sit down," Tom said suddenly and Sam glanced at him in confusion before realising that they were still stood in her hallway. "I now where everything is now, I can sort this," Tom offered and Sam nodded her head softly and shot him a smile of thanks before padding through to her sofa and curling herself up and resting her head gently on the arm rest as she waited on Tom to join her.

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><p>They'd finished the pizza in silence, Sam was sure because Tom had even less want than she did to discuss the events of the day, yet whenever she got a peaceful moment she'd been forced think of the implication of Lenny's words and how they had made Tom flee when he'd obvious extracted the same meaning as she had. "Are you ok?" Tom's voice startled her and Sam looked up at him nodding her head quickly.<p>

"Yes, why?" Sam responded softly as she moved herself from the sofa and picking up the plates from the table began to make her way towards the kitchenette, shouting over her shoulder in Tom's direction as she did so. "I'm going to make tea, would you like a coffee?"

Tom seemed to not speak for a moment and Sam paused by the sink after slipping the plates into the empty basin. She was moving towards the filled kettle to put it on when Tom finally did reply to her question. "I'll have tea, please Sam." She turned to face him at his words and she stifled a giggle - which she didn't even understand - before smiling at Tom who was already on his way to her side.

"Why is that funny?" Tom asked quickly as he reached her side.

"Nothing," Sam began in confusion before throwing herself quickly into her house guest's arms as an overwhelming sense of sadness overcame her. "It's not," Sam tried and was quickly halted by the rapidly forming lump in her throat. Her eyes were prickly uncomfortably with unshed tears as she buried her face into Tom's chest and was relieved to feeling his arms tightening around her back as he held her close. "It's just -" Sam tried again and suddenly the tears she was desperately trying not to cry escaped her eyes and she sobbed against Tom's chest, he moved one hand from Sam's back and rested against the back of her head as he rocked them from side to side. Sam waited until the tears had subsided before she attempted to say anything else. "I think I'm going to miss her," Sam murmured softly against his chest, only raising her head to look at Tom when she realised how vague her statement was. "Sophie," Sam clarified and became aware that the tears were still pouring silently down her cheeks.

Tom raised his hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks as he replied. "You don't have to," Tom said and Sam looked back towards him in confusion, standing in her tip toes in order to rest her head on Tom's shoulder as he continued to make his point. "Zoe will understand." He concluded.

"No, I'll get used to it," Sam began without looking at her companion already knowing how he felt about the subject. "I've already made my decision Tom."

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><p>It had taken over twenty minutes but Tom had eventually managed to coax Sam from her standing position, to their current position with Sam curled against his chest on the sofa. Tom could see the regret in Sam's eyes the moment that she'd first told him that she had asked Zoe about bringing up Sophie. However now he'd seen her tears over the subject, he knew that she'd never be able to let Sophie go once she had met her. Tom could see that her tears were still there and it seemed like they were unlikely to cease anytime soon. "Do you still want tea?" He asked softly and Sam shook her head against his chest.<p>

"No," Sam responded softly only pausing for a moment before she began to speak again. "What Lenny said -" Sam began before seeming to trail off in thought and Tom was reluctant to pull her from her thoughts. However Sam lifted herself away from Tom slightly in order to raise her head to the same level as his, leaning forward slightly she allowed her lips to brush softly against his, before she took his hand gently and felt him respond to her kiss. The reality of the situation she had constructed sunk in quickly the moment she felt Tom's fingers fumble to reach hers and his left hand move to touch her face softly. "Sorry," she said suddenly in alarm as she pulled away from him, repositioning herself on the opposite side of her sofa. "Sorry, sorry," Sam murmured slowly and raised her hands to cover her month.

"Sam," Tom started in obvious confusion as he reached out to take her hand again.

"You need to go," Sam shrugged his hand off and stood abruptly, Tom following suit instantly. "You need to go," she repeated insistently and Tom nodded softly, picking up his coat from where he'd left it over the back of the sofa he quickly walked from the room.

Sam followed him a minute later and as the door closed behind him she rushed towards it quickly locking it, tears came unbidden to her eyes and moved to lean against the hallway wall, her legs crumpling as she slipped down it ending up in a heap on the floor burying her head in her knees as the instant sobs began to hurt as they wracked against her chest. She reflected on the situation and as she was unable to stem her tears she wished desperately that she had not sent Tom away.

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><p>Tom got to the bottom of stairs in Sam's building before he even allowed his thoughts to drift to what had just happened. He slapped the wall to his right, as he tilted his head upwards blinking back tears as he cursed himself for misreading the situation with Sam so awfully. It had been completely obvious, given her tears, that she'd been upset and wasn't thinking quite as clearly as she should be and that it had been wrong to respond to her kiss. He resolved to speak to her when she was less upset and hoped that he hadn't ruined the understanding that he'd formed with her over the past few weeks. Hoping that he would eventually be able to help her understand that perhaps she really did not want to give up little Sophie and that she'd be able to be a good mum to Sophie even if remaining with her mother meant that her daughter would not have a live in father.<p>

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><p><strong>Now if you are here, thank you for reading - I am grateful. Do feel free to leave a review and tell me whether you liked or you didn't and what you did or didn't like... <strong>

**Annyx**


	27. Chapter 27

**Quite where the words are coming from I am not sure; however being able to update again, so soon, does make me incredibly smiley.**

**It does in fact go without saying now, I am sure, that this is dedicated to Callie, ficmouse & Meggi - with a lot of hope that they'll all be feeling a bit better soon.**

**And of course to everyone else who is reading, and to SianRosie for your review yesterday morning - it made me smile. **

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><p>Tess knocked the door of the upper level office sharply and took a deep breath before she pushed it open upon hearing that she was welcome to enter, she took in the face of a confused looking Nick Jordan who was sat behind the desk, she wasn't sure quite how she was going to be able to explain what she'd been trying to deal with for almost eight days now. "We need to have a chat," Tess offered quickly.<p>

"We do?" Nick had replied carefully and the Clinical Lead pointed at the chair in front of the desk, his look of confusion only intensifying as Tess sat down, seemingly with something on her mind. She nodded her head softly and Nick considered her reaction and noted the conflicted look in her eyes before speaking again. "Is this about work?" He asked shortly, already fearing that the senior nurse was about to inform him of yet another personal problem of one of his staff causing havoc on the working of the department.

"No," Tess stated simply and Nick's heart sank upon realising that his first assumption was correct.

"Okay." The Clinical Lead accepted quickly and paused momentarily, "what's going on Tess?" He asked and the nurse seemed as if she was at a bit of a loss over where to start. "Tess?" He probed slightly and the nurse seemed to find her train of thought and nodded slightly in indication that she would explain why she was here.

"It's Sam," she began and Nick felt his heart quicken at the mention of her name fearful of what Tess was about to reveal. "Have you spoken to Zoe recently?" Tess queried and Nick did wonder what Zoe had to do with whatever issue Sam was having. He considered the fact that perhaps the younger doctor was struggling with the relationship that seemed to have began between his two consultants - given that one of the pair was still her husband and was the father of the baby she was carrying he not criticise her if this was the case.

"No," Nick confirmed quickly and as he looked back towards his companion and again encouraged her to continue with what ever she found so vital to interrupt his working day. "Tess?"

"Sam has asked her to raise the baby with Dylan," Tess seemed to say the words without taking a breath and it took Nick much longer than he expected to let the words sink in. He blinked in confusion and Tess seemed as confused as he did about the whole situation, yet even still he could not understand why Sam would have asked such a thing given that it was obvious to everyone that the younger doctor clearly adored her unborn daughter.

"Sorry?" He asked still unable to believe that he could have possibly heard Tess correctly.

"It was what I said," Tess replied simply, seeming aware that her words seemed so unbelievable.

"Ok," Nick managed to force the word from his lips and even though he was still having difficultly understanding what he had just been told but he could tell that Tess had no more to add to the highly confusing conversation they'd just had. "Thanks Tess," he said as the nurse was standing back up.

Tess had reached the door, when she turned and smiled at his words. Before she decided to put an idea to him which she felt may help the situation. "I think that you know someone who will be able to help, don't you?" She said simply and realisation seemed to hit the Clinical Lead and he smiled as it dawned on him before nodding in agreement and smiling goodbye to Tess as he picked up the phone.

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><p>It had only taken her an hour and forty minutes to get to her current position in front of Nick Jordan's desk since they'd ended their phone call. Given the conversation she'd had with Sam when she was last in Holby she wasn't overly stunned by the announcement which Nick had made. Miriam smiled in thanks as the mug of tea was placed down in front of her. She sipped at the boiling liquid and barely flinched quite basically from the years of throwing almost scolding liquid down her throat to rush cack to some sort of emergency or other. "Sam's struggling?" Miriam questioned suddenly and Nick couldn't think of the most logical way to answer her question in the end he nodded slightly and pulled his seat closer to the desk, in order to get closer to Miriam as he spoke. "She's asked Zoe to raise the baby with Dylan," Nick replied honestly. He could not question Miriam's look of complete shock and disbelief given it was almost identical to his own response to the announcement when Tess had made the same statement just under two hours previously.<p>

"I'm sorry," Miriam began her confusion clear in her tone, as Nick thought she had not been expecting what he'd told her. Over the phone Miriam had revealed that Sam had been upset over the development of Dylan and Zoe's relationship, Nick had not been shocked, and had been pondering since then that it may have been the final push which Sam had needed to make the decision that her little girl would be in much better hands with Zoe and Dylan. Miriam had previously said that Sam was a little concerned that she'd struggle as a single mother, Nick assumed this is what her idea to involve Dylan and Zoe had stemmed from. "Tell me Zoe has not agreed?" Miriam demanded suddenly pulling Nick from his thoughts as she did so. Nick glanced towards his companion and shook his head upon realising that he wasn't actually aware of whether or not Zoe had came to decision about Sam's offer.

"I'm not sure," Nick replied when he finally found his voice.

"Well find out Nick," his former mentor demanded of him suddenly and Nick found himself terrified under her gaze as she struggled to deal with the seriousness of what she has just been told. He nodded his head automatically and remained feeling like he was five years old, regardless of the fact that it was his desk they were sat around and not Miriam's. "Sam's going to regret this," Miriam said softly, seemingly to herself. She considered all that she knew about the Keogh's, she'd had witnessed the devastation, first hand, which Sam had felt when a pregnancy test had confirmed that they were still not expecting a little Keogh. The fact that Sam had only been twenty four when Miriam had first had to reassure her that she had plenty of time for babies with Dylan and that she must've be so hard on herself - she'd even informed the girl that she was getting herself so worked about the lack of a baby she was probably making it even more difficult for them to conceive. Miriam had watched the couple bicker too many times over who was at fault their inability to have a child to believe that now Sam had a child to call her own, she could not accept that Sam really did want to give her daughter away.

Resolving to talk to the girl she drained her mug quickly and rose as though to leave the room. "You have to talk to Zoe Nick," she stated upon reaching the door. "I'm going to find Sam," Miriam then offered as an explanation for her sudden departure from his office, Nick merely nodded.

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><p>Sam had left her patient only a few moments ago, unable to reach a suitable conclusion on her symptoms alone, she wondered briefly which one of her colleagues to turn to, then however she caught sight of Tom across the department and her mind had strayed from her patient. She'd been avoiding him as much as was possible over the past week, she'd never been able to get the thought of kissing him out of her mind completely and each time she seen she'd had to berate herself for going there in the first place, it had been unfair of her to pull Tom into the complicated mess her life was in at the moment - much like had been unfair on Lenny, what seemed like years ago now. Sam thought back to the kiss and her feelings which always surrounded it, she'd been upset, but she hadn't kissed Tom because she was upset - she had kissed him because she wanted to. Now however she was finding it difficult to even face him, for the first few days he had tried to make conversation with her but each time she'd felt horrified and flustered as she recalled the scene which she'd made as she all but threw him from her flat. He'd left immediately and Sam could not say that she blamed him. Tom had been a constant support for her and it did not seem like he was feeling forced to be there, by her side, and it was difficult not to day dream about making family life work with Tom, bringing up Sophie with the love and happiness of a family surrounding her - even in her day dreams she did not keep Dylan from Sophie.<p>

Sam allowed her thought to drift back towards her patient momentarily, before she winched slightly at a kick from Sophie, the baby had been restless all night and had allowed Sam very little sleep and when she woke this morning, for the first morning in weeks she had been overwhelmed by sickness. Tess had commented on her pale appearance and after a surprising bout of nausea which had soon resolved itself Sam had admitted to feeling less than a hundred percent this morning. Tom, it seemed, had overheard every word and he'd momentarily reached out as though to her hand but then quickly withdrew his arm and the gesture. Sam herself had fled the staff room, irrationally close to tears, wanting nothing more than throw herself into Tom's arms and have him hold her until she no longer felt so ill. That however was not meant to be, given that she'd yet to talk to him about their surprising kiss the week previous.

Sam had swayed dangerously on the spot, waves of dizziness and nausea rolling over her, and wondered if there was any connection to her lack of sleep the night previously. Upon seeing Dylan appear to the central desk in the middle of the cubicles she made her way towards that realising that he'd be able to offer her a second opinion about her patient. Sam approached the desk cautiously leaning against the side of it suddenly became necessary and she was suddenly very afraid of fainting closing her eyes briefly, she managed to suck in a steadying breath before she attempted to get Dylan's attention. "Dylan," she began briefly and found herself pleasantly surprised when her husband looked toward and very sudden his usual emotionless expression changed to one of concern. "I need your advice," Sam continued slowly and Dylan nodded towards her as though as an indication he was listening to her though his eyes were currently looking her up and down as though trying to source a reason for her pale appearance. "A patient," Sam stated simply and Dylan suddenly appeared less interested in her words. Sam continued regardless. "Female, twenty-nine, one side abdominal pain, no nausea, sickness and no indication of any gynaecological problems." Sam concluded and looked at Dylan with interest as he seemed to be regarding her with a degree of concerned.

"Urgent?" He eventually queried.

"Sorry?" Sam responded quickly, unsure as to why he might be put off a patient's care for something that was obviously bothering him.

"Do you have a few minutes?"

"I suppose," Sam replied and Dylan nodded his approval at her answer. Sam's head spun and she leant the desk once again, hoping to keep herself upright.

"Why have you been crying?" Dylan asked suddenly surprising Sam was with his observational skills, however much that she had cried that morning Sam simply wiped her eyes roughly and she was reluctant to admit that she'd cried in frustration at feeling so very sick yet being unable to throw up and rid herself of the horrible feeling.

"I've not," Sam responded defensively and Dylan looked at her in complete disbelief. Yet Sam was still reluctant to admit to any ill feeling given Dylan penchant for fussing whenever his child was involved.

"Don't lie," Dylan stated harshly and Sam was forced to nod her head - realising immediately that she was admitting to lying about her earlier tears. Sam moved towards Dylan at the other side of the desk, and when she reached his side, Dylan reached out to touch her hand and almost as soon as their hands connect his dropped again and Sam could not help but smile at the situation. "And you look pale," Dylan stated quickly pausing for thought momentarily. "Have you been sick again?" He asked innocently.

Sam sighed in exasperation and quickly responded. "No." Dylan raised his eyebrow at her words as though he knew that she was lying and Sam was quick to correct herself, much, it seemed, to Dylan pleasure. "A little." She began. "I'm fine, don't fuss Dylan," Sam concluded in vain already feeling Dylan's hand come to rest against her forehead checking for any sign of a fever. Without any warning Sam found herself pushed into the nearest seat and suddenly was hovering back over her thermometer in hand as Sophie made her presence know, in an attempt to prevent Dylan's fussing Sam grabbed his hand and placed it on her stomach lightly certain that she'd never be able to forget the look of complete joy which light up Dylan's face on feeling the kick.

"I'm going to phone your consultant Sam," Dylan stated without pausing for thought and Sam rolled her eyes dramatically as he turned away from her momentarily, Dylan had already turned back round phone in hand when she suddenly felt overwhelming sick and it was clearly apparent as Dylan placed the phone on it's hook and knelt down next to her.

"Sam?" He asked gently and she could not find the words to the reply. "What's wrong?" He pressed, once again, raising a hand to her forehead. "Sam?" Dylan reached above them and pulled a few card dishes down from the counter handing one to Sam.

"I don't feel very well," Sam managed to murmur softly before she felt dangerously sick, she raised one hand to cover mouth and Dylan moved to rub her back gently until she was eventually sick. She suddenly felt frighteningly weak and it was as if the simple effort of throwing up had exhausted her, Dylan took the dish from her and disposed of it before helping Sam to her feet and holding her upright.

"Okay," he began quietly as Sam slumped against him, Dylan wrapped an arm around her waist before continuing to speak. "Come on, staff room," he offered as way of direction and Sam could only nod against his chest as they walked. Once he had her safely seated he moved from the sofa, watching as Sam kicked her legs up on to it and allowed herself to lie down, her eyes fluttering closed the moment her head touched the cushion. "I'm phoning your consultant," Dylan stated this time more determined than before.

Sam opened her eyes and noted that Dylan had indeed left the room, she was sure that she'd been told she would not be feeling this way as she reached her thirtieth week of pregnancy - she it was with fear that she noted her symptoms could also indicate the beginnings of labour, and she was certain that she could not bear to have Sophie so early and have to watch her tiny baby struggle for survival. Dylan returned some fifteen minutes later with a thick blue blanket and Tess at his heels, he knelt down on the floor beside the sofa and began busying himself with tucking the blanket tightly around her; Sam appreciated the gesture and allowed her eyes to fall closed again just as Dylan began to speak. "I've spoken to your consultant, you've an appointment for tomorrow, unless you feel worse before then," Dylan stated softly and Sam opened her eyes to look at him, before nodding softly. From her position she could see Tess taking in the situation as though trying to find possible reasons for Sam's state for herself, more than likely at Dylan's request.

"I've got a patient," Sam began yet her tone didn't even convince herself but she noted that Dylan just shook his head at the suggestion.

"I'll deal with your patient," He said with conviction before he rose to his feet just as Tess seemed satisfied that there was nothing drastically wrong with Sam or baby and left the room. Dylan reached down one final time to pull the blanket further towards Sam's chin before he too left the room, speaking softly as he did so. "Try and get some sleep," he said as he pulled the door closed behind and Sam did not doubt that he was about to interrogate poor Tess. However, she could not dwell on it long as her eyes closed sleepily and she was unable to fight the exhaustion any longer.

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><p>Zoe had spent her morning writing reports and she knew that they were overdue yet she could not help being overly concerned when Dylan had revealed that Sam had been taken ill. She had spoken to Tess about and the former midwife had been able to confirm that she felt there was nothing to seriously worry about. However, she was now aware that Dylan had left Sam curled up asleep on the staff room sofa and Zoe was considering going to check on her but she wasn't certain that she should be left alone with Sam, given that the younger woman still wanted an answer as to whether or not she would be handing over a newborn Sophie.<p>

"I've been talking to Tess, Doctor Hanna," came the voice of Nick Jordan from somewhere behind her, and Zoe turned round quickly unsure of what he was even talking about. "I feel there is something that you've been meaning to tell me," He continued and Zoe looked at him alarm, suddenly becoming aware of quite what Tess could have told Nick that would have irritated him this much. She sighed in frustration and returned to the notes she'd been writing before she had been interrupted.

"Really," Zoe began in faked nonchalance as she tried to appear that what Sam had asked was not a major concern. More importantly Zoe was certain that it had nothing to do with Nick anyway, she had not understood why Nick was so very over protective over the younger doctor either which only served to add to her confusion. "Nick, I'm not actually sure that is any of your business," Zoe replied, eventually, sharply and she once again glanced back towards Nick.

"Not denying it, I see," Nick muttered seemingly to himself.

"No," Zoe admitted, "that still does not make your business." Zoe concluded finally and shrugged her shoulders before she picked her glasses from the desk in front of her and was about to return to her reports when she found herself trying to considering whether or not she was making the correct decision.

"My office, ten minutes Zoe," Nick stated sudden before he walked away. Zoe saved her files and forced her glasses back onto her face and considered quite how she was going to avoid the conversation with Nick that he clearly wanted to have regardless of it's importance to the running of his department. The female consultant left the desk and hurried towards Nick's office to attempt to defend her own decision.

She pushed the door open speaking as she did so, getting Nick's attention instantly. "This is not a work issue," her meaning was clear and Nick seemed unfazed by her words and did not react.

"I never said it was Doctor Hanna," Nick continued with a hint of disapproval evident in his tone. "This simply friendly advice," he countered suddenly and Zoe rolled her eyes in angry at the words.

"What is?" She all but spat, her tone hostile as he regarded her with interest.

"You cannot take Sam's baby," Nick spoke suddenly, his tone final, he offered Zoe no room for discussion and she hit the desk in front of her angrily. Zoe could not comprehend why Tess and now Nick seemed to believe that they had right to offer an opinion on an arrangement which should have been kept between Sam and herself.

"It's what I want," Zoe replied confrontationally as she rose from her seat. "It's what Sam wants," she continued in anger and Nick rose to his feet almost simultaneously, shaking his head in clear disbelief and disapproval as he did so. Zoe stepped closer to the desk bring them closer together before. "Therefore, I do not see what this has to do with you at all, Nick," Zoe concluded, throwing her arms into the air, and Nick refused to be drawn into an argument on the subject yet he could not help but feel someone must make an attempt to encouraging Zoe to face up to the reality of what she was considering doing. For the time being however, he knew that it would not be him.

"You cannot really be telling me this," Nick sighed in frustration and Zoe didn't bother to respond before she swept from the office, knocking the chair she'd originally occupied over in angry as she did do. Nick closed his eyes at the sound of the door slamming behind her.

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><p>Miriam slowly closed the staff room door behind her as she crept into the room, coming to a halt by the sofa where Sam slept she sat down gently at her feet, the younger woman had stirred slightly and moved one hand to rub her eyes sleepily. "Sam," Miriam began quietly, not sure if Sam was wakening or merely moving in her sleep. Watching the younger woman carefully Miriam noted that Sam's eyes fluttered open momentarily before closing again and turning round onto her side and closed her eyes again as she tried to cocoon herself in the blanket Dylan had brought her.<p>

"Mhm," Sam murmured in response and struggled to open her eyes at the same time. She seemed to give up quickly and remained in the same position.

"Hey," Miriam began again.

Sam once again raised her hands to her eyes rubbing them gently and opened eyes and began searching the room as though looking to know where she was. "Where," Sam began and Miriam looked at her in confusion moving to sit on the low lying table in front of her so she could see Sam probably. "Oh-" Sam concluded softly upon realising where she was. She sat up suddenly.

Miriam noted Sam's quick movement with alarm and watched her carefully before speaking, when Sam had pulled herself into sitting position and rearranged her blanket. "How are you?" Miriam asked gently and moved herself so that she was sat next to Sam on the sofa.

"Not so sick anymore," Sam replied suddenly with a hint of humour in her tone.

"Good," Miriam replied to her words quickly and her main concern was no getting Sam to talk about the fact that she was planning on handing over Sophie moments after her birth and believing that she'd be able to automatically apt to life without her baby again. "Can you stand up?" Miriam asked suddenly, hoping that she'd be able to get Sam home and discuss her intentions towards who was going to bring up Sophie.

She watched Sam beginning to gently move as if to stand. "Yeah -" she replied and Miriam stood before her in order to support her if she would have needed it. "Oh," Sam murmured and seemed to blink in alarm suddenly. Miriam raised her eyebrow in question towards Sam as she reached out to take both her hands. "Dizzy." Sam clarified. "I'm fine now," she continued to explain in reassurance.

"Alright?" Miriam asked gently as she helped Sam back down to the sofa, feeling that it would be much safer to remain sitting than risk the chance that Sam may not be telling the complete truth when she stated that she was now feeling fine.

Sam nodded gently in reply and glanced at Miriam in a confused manner before asking the question which was on her mind. "Why you here?" Sam asked before realising the harshness of her tone as Miriam laughed at the question. "Sorry." Sam apologised quickly and Miriam shook her head.

"I know what you meant," Miriam said smiling. "Nick called," she replied.

Sam looked up in alarm at Miriam's words and turned her arm in an attempt to see her watch. "How long was I asleep?" She asked quietly, confusion evidently across her face as she registered the time and seemed to be lost in her thoughts.

"Oh, no," Miriam stated quickly realising Sam's confusion. "He called before you were ill," she clarified and Sam glanced towards Miriam in confusion. "He was telling me that you had found a home for Sophie." Miriam said without emotion. Sam's shock was evident and she glanced away from Miriam's gaze and seemed to be concentrating her attention on finding a way to be able to explain her wish to Miriam logically.

"Miriam -" Sam began almost instantly and seemed unable to form any other word as she turned round to look at the older woman.

"I'm not judging." Miriam's statement broke suddenly into Sam's thoughts confusing her, yet as the older woman reached across to hand Sam's hand in hers she found that she was for the first time since she had made the decision regarding Sophie's care that she was being offered reassurance that it could work out. "Just tell me it's really what you want," Miriam asked simply and Sam was certain that she could hear the sincerity in her tone.

"It's what I want," Sam said with conviction turning round to meet Miriam's eye as she did so. After all, if what she really wanted for Sophie was a proper family set up then giving her to Dylan and Zoe was the most logical way to gain that, without of course giving her baby girl to complete strangers she would probably never meet.

"Ok." Came Miriam's short response.

It stunned Sam and she wasn't that she must have heard incorrectly. "That's it? Ok?" She questioned with confusion only serving to become further confused by Miriam when the older woman nodded softly.

"Yes," Miriam replied and squeezed Sam's hand seeming in a show of support. "Tom said that he would take you home," Miriam stated seeming as if she had just recalled a conversation she had been involved in before Sam had woken up. "I'll see you soon Sam," she said cheerfully, letting go of Sam's hand and rising to her feet leaving Sam to think about what she was going to say to Tom when she came face to face with him in a strictly non-professional basis.

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><p>Sam was not sure how long she had remained in the same position on the sofa waiting on the inevitable awkward drive home, however she rose from her seat regardless and pulled her locker door open to retrieve her bag and coat. Pulling the coat on Sam ensured that she was leaving nothing of importance in her locker before closing the door and locking it storing the key in the same zip compartment of her bag, where it always remained unless in her scrubs pocket. "Sam?" Tom's voice from the door way startled her and Sam turned quickly to look at him in question. "Are you ready?" He queried, somehow not affected by the uncomfortable atmosphere that Sam was sure surround them whenever they were left alone together.<p>

"Yes," Sam she replied with an air of determination, desperate not to allow events which did not seem to faze Tom cause her to avoid the company of the person who had rapidly been becoming one of her closest friends. "Listen Tom, about the other -" Sam began and almost immediately she was silences by Tom raising his hand and shaking his head quickly.

"Not here." He stated clearly and Sam nodded. "Let's just get you home," Tom concluded softly and at that precise moment Sam yawned sleepily and nodded her head, again, grateful by the thought of soon being home and able to curl up under her quilt.

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><p>Tom stepped through Sam's doorway after her, she walked without pausing and seemed uncaring about the keys that she'd left in the lock and the door which stood ajar as she made her way towards her bedroom. "Hungry?" Tom queried gently as he took the keys from the door, before closing it and locking it behind himself.<p>

Sam shook her head and continued her walk to her bedroom. "Sleepy," she stated unnecessarily and the moment Tom reached the door she closed it suddenly and left him stood outside staring at the white painted door.

"Tom," Sam opened the door, now dressed in pyjamas, suddenly as she said his name. She paused for a moment seeming to think about what she was going to say. "Can you stay in here please?" She asked quickly, chewing down on her lip nervously as she did so. Tom nodded quickly and reached out to take Sam's hand and she lead him into the room, closing the door behind them as she did so.

Tom stood awkwardly at the foot of Sam's bed, when it seemed clear that she was very much intending on going to sleep. She had almost instantly dropped onto the mattress and soon enough had tucked herself carefully under the quilt; her now not so small bump, which seemed to have grown overnight, could be seen in the outline of the fabric. Tom noted that the only source of light in the room, came from a lamp by the side of the bed Sam occupied and he wondered why she had wanted him here at all.

Sam rolled onto her side and eyed Tom with interest before she sat upright and looked at him, bringing one hand from where they had been unintentionally rested at her stomach, she patted the duvet to her right and gestured to Tom before speaking. "Lie here," she spoke quietly and found herself relieved when Tom seemed to step forward, he kicked off his shoes before moving to sit on bed. Sam reached out to take his hand and tugged at it encouragingly until he had lay down next to her.

Sam said nothing and Tom could help but wonder if she really just needed the presence of someone next to her and she wasn't fussy on whom. "What's wrong?" He queried as gently as he felt he possible could.

"I'm sorry," Sam had began and he could hear the tears in her voice, he shifted him round to face her and reached out to wipe away a single tear which had fallen. "about last week," she confirmed. "I shouldn't have -"

"It's fine." He cut her off suddenly, not wanting to hear her apologises for something in which he shared responsibility for.

"I really care about you," Sam began as she moved closer to him, keeping a grip of his hand as he did so. "You've been the most wonderful friend and I was so scared that I'd ruined it," Sam continued and Tom didn't feel he could stop her when she clearly wanted to say the words.

"You never," Tom replied almost instantly and he tugged Sam closer to him wrapping his arms around her as he did so. Her head was buried under his chin when he spoke again, reassuring her. "I promise, Sam."

"Will you be here when I wake up?" Sam asked suddenly her voice muffled by his t-shirt and Tom nodded automatically before realising that Sam could not see the gesture.

"Of course," he murmured into her hair taking Sam's lack of response to mean that she was already asleep.

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><p>After forty minutes of complete stillness and silence Tom felt Sam beginning to stir in his arms, yet she did not move from them. He removed one of his arms to brush her hair from his face as he spoke. "Hey, sleepyhead," he declared humorously and at his words Sam sat upright forcing him to do so too. In the end they ended up sat against at a side of the bed each and Sam became painfully interested in her finger nails. "Dinner?" Tom said suddenly, mainly in an attempt to break the silence which had fallen over then.<p>

Sam looked up, clearly startled, and nodded softly, "maybe a little bit of something," she said slowly and Tom nodded before putting his hand on her shoulder preventing her from getting up, as he did himself.

"I'll bring us something." He said determinedly on his way out the door and Sam could not help but wonder what she had in her kitchen which Tom could prepare quickly and she would not feel guilty about barely managing to eat any of it.

Tom returned only fifteen minutes later, carrying two dinner plates in his hands and looking extremely proud of himself, Sam smiled when he sat down in front of placing the plates between them. She noted the simple dinner of beans on toast and smiled her thanks before lifting one half slice and nibbling at slightly.

Sam eat very little, in fact she was certain that she'd not even managed a full slice of toast and there was much left over, however she could barely keep her eyes open by the time Tom had decided that he was going to clear the plates, he disappeared without a word and returned empty handed a few minutes later. By this time Sam had curled herself back under her duvet and opened her eyes on feeling him standing beside her. Once again she gestured the empty side of her bed before speaking. "Will you stay here tonight please?" Her voice was small and she tried not to beg but there was something telling her that she did not want to be on her own tonight.

Tom did not reply he simply walked to the side of the bed and Sam pulled the quilt down from him so he could just slip beneath the covers and the moment he was safely in the bed she shuffled closer and Tom regarded her with interest yet never spoke. Sam rested her head gently on his shoulder as her eyes close sleepily feeling herself drift off almost immediately.

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><p><strong>So as ever, thank you for reading and reviews are always appreciated to tell me what you like and what you don't, of course, <strong>

**Annyx**


	28. Chapter 28

**Firstly, I will state that leaving this so long was not my intention, but I cannot promise that it will not become I recurring theme at all. Though I can say that there are only another 9 updates to go. I was made to go back to Uni and face reality and apparently I have a very silly timetable that makes me sleepy. However aside from my complaining.. **

**As ever thank you to the lovely people who have reviewed and given the length of time this has been going on - I am frankly amazed anyone is still interested. **

**To the lovely Callie, ficmouse and Meggi because I quite simply enjoy the madness that we bring each other. And to Checky for her very length review of 27 updates, thank you. **

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><p>Sam left Resus in a rush; she was sure she could hear her heart pounding in her chest and the blood rushing in her head. Certain her legs were going to give way before she even reached the door Sam threw herself into the first vacant chair in reception. She dropped her head to her hands and considered just what she had seen, the fact that in the space of eight hours two of the patients brought in by paramedics had been adopted, made Sam feel like the world was trying to tell her something and for the moment she was so very unaware of what. Raising her head Sam noted Tom was stood in front of her seemingly watching her reactions, she shook her head quickly and stood, heading towards the ladies purely because she could get a moments peace and Tom could not interrupt her there.<p>

Sam pushed open the door and immediately she leant against the sinks relieved that the cubicles were empty and she was completely on her own. Her first patient of the day had been four year old Tilly Stevenson, a little girl who had been adopted at two months and had an genetic condition which her biological parents never considered to tell anyone about. They hadn't been able to treat her properly, immediately and Sam knew that she had to be physically pulled out of the way, because she'd frozen in shock, when the girl's heart stopped in front of her. The concept of handing Sophie over to people she did not know and that did not know her and have a way to contact her had it been necessary suddenly became impossible. Yet whilst Sam knew that she was still waiting on Zoe's final decision on matter; she could not be certain that she would ever by able to hand Sophie over to anyone but Zoe and the baby's own father.

By the time Jeff and Dixie had wheeled in only Sam's second patient of the morning, she too was throwing adoption doubts at her, aged twenty four years old Dawn Freeman had been on her way to meet to the mother who had given her up at only two days old; the meeting had failed to take place because of a minor car accident yet the woman currently lying in the trolley in Resus had been confiding feelings of hatred, neglect and abandonment to Sam when the doctor could take no more and fled the room. The words of Dawn were playing heavily on Sam's mind and she couldn't shake the feeling that Sophie would react similarly to her patient in later life and Sam wasn't sure that she'd be able to deal with Sophie hating her.

A sudden, swift twinge in her abdomen reminded Sam of her more pressing concern; the fact that she was certain that Sophie had no intention on waiting until her due date to be born. The fear of Braxton Hicks contractions and not being a hundred percent sure about what she was meant to be expecting had left her wakening Tom in fear on more than occasion only for him to spend the next five minutes trying to quash her fears and eventually assuring her that it would be more than okay to go back to sleep. Sam was sure that they only managed to get about two hours sleep at any one time, and she was beginning to feel tired, which left her feeling guilty at the fact that Tom must be feeling similarly with the interruptions to his sleep that sleeping next to her would have caused.

Sam shook her head softly and strode towards the toilet door and hurried off the in the direction of the staff room, hoping that she would be able to settle down before the thoughts which were currently swamping her mind threatened to overwhelm her. She sat down on the staff room couch, letting her hand fall to her stomach as she did so - Sam couldn't certain why she did so but she knew that she had from the moment the little bump had formed. Sighing wearily, Sam rubbed at her eyes tiredly and picking up the cushion from the spot on the sofa she usually occupied Sam kicked her legs up onto the chair and cuddled the cushion to her chest. Her eyes were beginning to close sleepily within moments, fighting to keep them opened Sam thought suddenly of the living arrangement she seemed to have set up without any real discussion; ever since the first night she had fallen asleep with Tom by her side it seemed that more and more of his belongings had began appearing in her flat. It had begun with a toothbrush and pyjama trousers, him joining her at dinner time before wordlessly following her to bed when she'd been unable to keep her eyes open anymore. They'd fallen into a routine and after half an hour Sam would roll gently into his arms and he'd hold her against his chest until Sophie woke them both in the small hours of the morning.

Her hand remained enjoying the feeling of the tiny little movements Sophie made without even really trying to, she loved her baby girl unconditionally and the movements brought a smile to her face every time. Sam was so caught up in how she felt for her daughter that this moment was the very first time she had paused to consider how Zoe might feel towards Sophie; after all she wasn't, biologically, her mother regardless of whether or not she was going to be the one who would bring her up. Standing suddenly Sam began pacing the room as she tried to establish whether or not Zoe would be able to offer the unconditional motherly love and affection Sophie deserved or if the tiny baby would have to grow on Zoe, and the older woman would not love the baby at first sight. Sam shook her head as though trying to physically rid the thoughts from her mind yet in doing so it only served to bring Sam back to concerns about how Sophie may feel towards her when she learned that Sam had given her up as a baby. Sam seemed to drop into the chair and she automatically rested both her hands on her stomach and spoke quietly, "Please don't hate me baby," Sam began, speaking to a child who had not even been born yet. "Please don't," she continued, "because I love you very much and mummy is just doing what is for the best. No matter what happens, Sophie, you are going to be loved, so very much." Sam stopped speaking, suddenly feeling foolishly, regardless of the amount of journals and articles which said speaking to the unborn baby helped them recognise your voice at birth Sam could not shake the feeling that it seemed so very much like she was talking to herself.

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><p>Sam could not be completely certain how long she had successfully remained hidden in the staff room, however, when Tess entered a considerable amount of time later it was clear that the nurse had been looking for her. "Sam," Tess began softly. Sam looked up at the nurse's words and smiled in welcome as Tess crossed the room to join her on the sofa. "Are you alright?" The nurse began in question, and Sam nodded almost instantly.<p>

"Sorry," Sam began in apology for her unannounced disappearance from the department. "Is it busy? I was thinking," Sam clarified before Tess even had a moment to answer her previous question. However, Tess shook her head and seemed to regard Sam with concern as she did so.

"Is everything alright?" Sam nodded her head feeling that she could not verbalise a response without blurting everything she was feeling out to her companion, not, she considered, that Tess would be a bad person to share her fears with if Sam chose to do so but for the moment she was not certain if she wanted to admit to anyone - barely even herself - how she felt.

Sam wondered if she was beginning to regret her proposal to Zoe when she considered what was currently circling her mind. Sam had woken Tom up, feigning a slight twinge when he opened his eyes and regarded her with worry even though she was sure he knew it was lie, in the early hours of the morning when she suddenly felt the frightening urge to cry over the thought of having to hand her newborn over to Zoe. In her nightmare the consultant had been handed the baby moments after her birth and Zoe had fled with Sophie never letting Sam see the little girl. Sam had woken in a panic, and was relieved to realise that it was only a dream; she hadn't shared the truth with Tom, but she'd squeezed her crying eyes shut tightly and Tom had wrapped her arms around her back as Sam buried her face into his chest. Tom shifted himself so he pulled them both down onto their side and tugged the duvet back over them holding her until she slipped into a slumber again. He had questioned how she was feeling this morning but he did not mention her tears or ask what had caused them, something which she was incredibly grateful for.

"I'm afraid Sophie will hate me," Sam stated quickly without warning and Tess had turned to look at her in confusion following her words. Sam looked at Tess' expression before clarifying her knowledge of Tess' understanding of the situation that she was currently embroiled in with Zoe. "Tess," she said, "I know that you know." Sam clarified and Tess nodded before reaching out to take Sam's hand.

"She won't hate you," Tess stated so very carefully, Sam was sure Tess was simply trying placate her and she wasn't convinced by her words yet she could not bring her to question Tess' words. "You're her mummy," the older woman continued, "you're the one who kept her safe and warm for nine months." Tess had concluded and the words made Sam feel faintly sick - mainly because she had become so convinced that she wouldn't be able to keep Sophie safe for nine months at all. It had been a recurring thought, and one which occasionally invaded her dreams to the extent that when a restless Sophie had kicked Sam had been unsure as to whether or not she was still dreaming and to question whether Sophie was kicking or she was dealing with the beginnings of labour. Sam hadn't been to share her concerns with anyone, for fear of sounding silly if she revealed to Dylan, or Zoe or even Tom that she had a funny feeling that Sophie would be making her presence known much earlier than expected. Given that she was Dylan's daughter Sam concluded that it would not surprise her if Sophie inherited his awkward streak and made her arrival much early than Sam was prepared for. "This is what you want?" Tess had asked quite suddenly and Sam's head had snapped towards the nurse in confusion.

"It is." Sam agreed sincerely, pausing for a moment before continuing. "If Zoe agrees." Tess nodded at her final words and Sam closed her eyes sleepily, causing Tess to pat at the arm of the sofa gesturing that Sam should steal a few moments with her eyes closed whilst no one was looking for them. Sam made to nod her head in reply to the suggestion but wasn't even sure if she'd managed to before her head hit the cushion gently. Sam's eyes closed in tiredness and the moment Tess began running her fingers through Sam's long hair tied simply in a bobble the young doctor was unable to fight exhaustion any longer.

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><p>"Sam," Zoe began as she pushed open the staff room, however upon seeing the woman she was looking for curled up, Tess by her side, she looked towards the nurse in alarm but Tess shook her head softly dismissing her sudden concern. Seemingly aware of another presence in the room Sam stirred quite suddenly, and before Zoe had even realised that she was awake, she was sat upright, brushing a few stray hairs from her face. "We need to talk." Zoe stated quite simply and Tess seemed to understand the conversation as well; the nurse left the room almost as soon as the words had left Zoe's lips, only pausing momentarily to take Sam's hand and squeeze her fingers briefly seemingly in a show of support.<p>

"Have you decided?" Sam demanded quite simply, getting straight to the point. She was exhausted and had no intention of actually participating in any attempts at small talk before she worked herself up, or Zoe did, to have the inevitable conversation about whether or not Zoe had came to decision about bringing up Zoe. Zoe looked stunned by the sudden question and seemed reluctant to answer for a moment, before she stepped close to Sam and ended up sitting on the sofa next to her, both woman staring straight ahead.

"Yes," Zoe responded after a moment of silence. "Yes." Zoe echoed and turned to face Sam, who was looking back towards her curiously as though she could not read Zoe's expression.

Zoe did not expand on her initial reply and Sam wasn't sure whether or not the second positive answer was Zoe telling her what she had decided or if she was simply reinforcing the fact that she'd made her decision. "So?" Sam prompted suddenly and Zoe turned round to face her.

Zoe remained watching Sam carefully; seemingly not certain about whether or not she was able to vocalise her decision to Sam. "Yes," Zoe stated again, "if it's what you want and if Dylan agrees," Zoe clarified honestly. "Then yes I will." The older woman concluded with a soft smile in the direction of her younger colleague.

Sam nodded her head suddenly after a few moments of silence and Zoe released a breath which she had not even been aware that she was holding at the action. Zoe extended her arm gently towards Sam, Sam herself done similarly and gripped at the older doctor's hand, still lost in her thoughts, as though she had something on her mind. "I know that I was the one who asked you and that makes her your responsibility now," Sam spoke softly causing Zoe to look towards her, a curious, yet somewhat concerned expression across her face as she did so. Zoe didn't say anything hoping that Sam might have the confidence to continue without being probed. "But can you do something for me?" Sam questioned suddenly, much to Zoe's shock. Despite the fact that she wasn't sure what Sam was going to say she certainly hadn't been expecting Sam to not announce that she changed her mind about handing over Sophie once she was born.

"Anything," Zoe confirmed honestly, smiling.

"Her middle name is Helen," Sam stated quietly and Zoe did not flinch at the words and just simply nodded. "After my mum." Sam suddenly clarified. Zoe took Sam's uncertain expression, and reached out to gently cup her cheek, holding her face in place and staring into Sam's eyes as Sam continued with her explanation. "I promised myself that first would be Helen and Sophie is still the first."

"Then that is who she is," Zoe said simply, removing one hand from Sam's face to let it rest on her small bump. "Sophie Helen." She stated softly, for clarity.

"Thank you," Zoe nodded at Sam's words and suddenly pulled the younger woman into her arms. Zoe rocked Sam back and forth as they let a comfortable silence fall between them, now that they simply had nothing else to discuss on the subject.

Sam could not be certain quite how long she had remained in Zoe's arms, regardless she could not bring herself to move from the embrace which was making her feel quite so secure. However Zoe broke the silence just minutes later, bring Sam suddenly back to reality with her next statement. "Dylan has to know," Sam could only nod her head, her mouth feeling suddenly very dry at the thought of having to explain the decision to Dylan. She had absolutely no idea how he might react at all.

"I know," Sam finally managed to say.

"I think that you should be there," Zoe stated calmly and Sam understood almost instantly that it was not a suggestion and she would need to be present during the unavoidably awkward and tense conversation where Dylan was finally made aware of the plans which she had been making with Zoe.

"If you want -" Sam began.

"He has to know that it's what you want," Zoe cut her off quickly and Sam nodded simply.

"It is." Sam stated defensively and Zoe raised her hands in an acknowledgment of understanding.

"I know," Zoe confirmed quickly.

"Later?" Sam asked hopefully, rather hoping that she'd have some time to get her head together before she had to deal with Dylan's gruff nature and either of his possible reactions to the bombshell she and Zoe would drop.

Zoe nodded, partly in understanding, partly in sympathy. "Yes," Zoe began, "about five?" She questioned lightly, knowing when Dylan's break was. Sam nodded softly but did not make any attempt at speaking, even when Zoe rose to her feet and smiled at her lightly before leaving the room.

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><p>Sam remained in the staff room for little over five minutes once Zoe had left, returning to cubicles and Tess almost at once, however the senior nurse had waved her off explaining that it wasn't very busy and they could manage without her and besides she really did think that Sam needed a lie down. Whilst Sam could not deny that she'd like nothing more than to rest her eyes for half an hour. However, now that Zoe had confirmed her decision Sam found that she could not sit still and was feeling horribly restless as her mind constantly played out the different ways in which Dylan could react to the news. Sam nodded at Tess and very suddenly found that her eyes had filled with tears even she couldn't explain. She blinked quickly hoping to prevent the tears from falling, Sam turned quickly and spotted Tom emerging from a cubicle. She moved towards him very quickly and the moment she was beside him she reached out and grabbed his arm. Tom halted immediately and looked into her eyes in alarm, he placed a hand on her back to led her, wordlessly, away. It was only when the were locked safely in the on call room, away from prying eyes, that Sam did let the silent tears stream slowly down her cheeks, tears which even she could not for when Tom wrapped her in his arms some ten minutes later and questioned what was wrong. "Zoe agreed?" Tom eventually murmured into her hair, yet his words only made Sam cry harder and she buried her face into his chest as her sobs became more and more audible. Tom's hand rubbed circles on Sam's back and when Sam glanced up towards him she could see the complete confusion in his eyes. Yet given her current state Sam could not say that she blamed him at all.<p>

"Yes," Sam responded softly and felt Tom's grip tighten around her before she continued. "We're going to tell Dylan later," Sam confirmed suddenly and Tom seemed to loosen his grip from around her and guided her backwards until she was sat on the bed, him standing in front of her eyeing her with concern.

"You've still got time Sam," Tom assured quickly, mistaking her tears for regret.

"I'm not going to change my mind Tom," Sam spoke forcefully and she regarded his slightly stunned expression before continuing. "It's what I want." She spoke with certainty and reached out to take Tom's hand pulling him down beside her, they were sat side by side yet not looking at each other when Sam spoke again. "I know that you don't approve -"

"I just want you to be happy," came Tom's unexpected reply before Sam could even begin to explain why she had came to the decision which she had.

"Then please understand that I am." Sam said timidly and her tone did not escape Tom's knowledge and he reached out to wrap an arm around her shoulder bundling her into his side.

"Ok," Tom began softly and Sam placed her own hand on his stomach, expecting to be drawn completely into his arms like she always was. "Ok," Tom repeated softly, before he did indeed pull Sam flush against his chest and she buried her head gently under his chin.

Without moving Sam spoke, "do you think that I'm a terrible person?" Her voice was muffled by Tom's neck but the sense of complete despondency in her tone did not escape him and he tried, unsuccessfully to pull her tighter against him, hoping to make her feel more secure.

"I could never think that," Tom replied honestly and Sam did not flinch at his words.

They remained in silence, Tom only having moved once so that they were sitting completely on the bed Sam still wrapped in his arms, for much longer than Tom cared to think about given that he had disappeared without a word to anyone. Sam had barely moved and Tom wondered if she was asleep; she'd had very little sleep the night previous. Sam had been looking exhausted since lunch time. Now a good four hours later, all he wanted to do was suggest that she went home and he had no idea how to go about doing without provoking an irate reaction. Sam shifted in his arms and slipped down to lay her head on the pillow, her legs remained tangled with Tom's. She patted the pillow next to her head and Tom knew to lie down next to her, she seemed to smile at him and Tom reached out to stroke her face gently hoping to bring her some sort of comfort. "When are you talking to Dylan?" Tom queried gently.

Sam glanced up at him in confusion and then what he was asking seemed to make sense to her and Sam looked towards her watch in alarm. "Now," she informed him gently before sitting up and rubbing her face tiredly.

"Why aren't you going then?" Tom asked with a hint of mild amusement.

"I'm comfy," Sam's tone matched his and Tom smiled at her words before rising from the bed himself an stretching out an arm and offering her his hand to help her up.

"Come on," Tom began simply as Sam accepted his hand. "Where are you meeting Zoe?"

"Reception,"

"I'll walk you out," Tom offered, dropping her hand and placing his own hand on Sam's back as they slipped out of the room and began the walk towards the staircase.

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><p>Zoe had locked herself, Sam and Dylan in the Clinical Lead's office over twenty minutes beforehand, quite what Nick was thinking about the whole event Sam had no idea but she knew that she was beginning to feel quite nauseous and Zoe had began nervously trying to rearrange Nick's files; neither wanting to be the one who had to explain to a highly confused Dylan why they were all there. In the end, it was Dylan who broke the silence. "So?" He began in question. "Are either of you planning on telling me what is so important?" He eventually demanded and Sam and Zoe glanced towards each other.<p>

"We've been talking," Zoe began in explanation gesturing between herself and Sam as though to confirm what she was talking about for Dylan's benefit, but from his disgruntled expression Sam suspected that it was unnecessary. "Sam suggested that Sophie needs a secure family." Zoe stated quickly and hoped that Dylan immediately understand her words because she wasn't sure if they'd be able to explain Sam's decision with the sensitivity that it would require.

"Zoe," Dylan began in frustration and suddenly two pairs of eyes were on him. "Can you just get to the point please," Sam could tell that Dylan's patience was wearing and she wasn't completely sure whether or not Zoe was going to be successful in telling Dylan anything before he stormed out in anger.

"I want you and Zoe to have Sophie once she is born," Sam stated simply and immediately retreated into the corner of the office not looking at either Zoe or Dylan as she did so.

"Did I just hear her correctly?" Dylan's tone never changed and he did not look towards Sam at all.

"Yes," Sam didn't speak, she didn't know what to say and Dylan's question wasn't directed at her anyway, but she was relieved when Zoe did answer.

"Are you telling me that you've agreed to that ill thought out plan?" Dylan demanded of Zoe quite suddenly and Sam closed her eyes wishing that she was anywhere but trapped in the tiny office with Dylan and Zoe. "Zoe?" Dylan prompted again and Sam was half tempted to turn round and try to establish why Zoe had yet to answer, but she wasn't feeling quite brave enough to do so.

The door of the office opened with quite some force and slammed again in a similar manner it was then Sam was able to pluck up the courage to see who had left the room. However she had just opened her eyes when she heard Zoe speaking, "Sam?" indicating that it was in fact that Dylan who had left the room.

"He isn't going to agree is he?" Sam said sadly as she turned into Zoe's eye line.

"He'll come round," Zoe began softly trailing off when Sam shook her head slowly and moving across the room to join Sam in the corner and wrapping a careful arm around the younger woman's shoulder.

"In time?" Sam retorted and Zoe bit down on her lower lip, feeling, inwardly as anxious as Sam did about Dylan's reaction but really not wanting to show it. Especially to Sam when the younger medic was feeling quite so emotional about the situation that they were all now embroiled in.

Before Zoe even had time to ponder whether or not it would be acceptable to give Sam the false hope of an affirmative answer. The office door swung open yet again and Dylan re-entered the room and though he remained in the doorway, staring at the scene in front of him. "Leave Zoe!" He demanded suddenly and Sam, who still had his back to him, jumped in fright.

Sam turned around in alarm just as Zoe had reached the door, neither she or Dylan had bothered to look at each other, though Sam's words halted her momentarily in her tracks. "I want her to stay," Zoe was sure that she'd never heard Sam sound quite so young and suddenly felt very reluctant to leave Sam on her own with Dylan. However that feeling of reluctance was quickly quashed by a look from Dylan.

"Well I don't." Dylan declared suddenly; Sam said nothing but Zoe hurried from the room and Dylan closed the following Zoe's departure, turning to look intently at Sam. "Tell me that you want this," Dylan crossed the room to be stood directly in front of her, never taking his eyes from Sam as he spoke.

"Of course," Sam began quietly. "I would never have suggested it if I wasn't," she confirmed. "You're her daddy Dylan," Sam stated suddenly and Dylan felt lost by the words unsure of why he was being reminded of that particular fact. "And you do love her don't you?" Sam asked quietly and Dylan looked startled for a moment.

His expression quickly changed to one of partial anger and partial distress when he replied to Sam's shocking question. "Don't you dare suggest that I don't," his voice was raised and his tone harsh and Sam very quickly stepped backwards, something that did not escape Dylan's notice. "But Zoe is not her mother Sam, that's you," Dylan clarified unnecessarily and Sam nodded slightly as though she was confirming the fact. "Sophie needs you!" Dylan stated suddenly grapping at both of Sam's hands pulling her closer to him, unsure about whether or not to wrap his arms around and hold her until she understood that she was capable.

"I've made me decision," Sam said quietly, and she pulled her hands from Dylan's grip and stepped backwards though her gaze still met his and there was something telling her not to the be the first to look away. "Zoe is willing if you are." Sam stated simply and side-stepped Dylan, making her way to the door. Pulling at the door handle Sam stepped into the hallway and turned once for a moment before turning to face Dylan and addressing him again. "Tell me when you've decided," with her departing words Sam left Dylan stood in the Clinical Lead's office feeling more than a little bewildered by the events of the conversation which had actually lasted less than half an hour.

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><p>Sam scrubbed her eyes frantically, well aware that tears had begun to gather in the corner of her eyes, as she walked down the stairs, passing Zoe on the way. Sam realised that Zoe was her way back to Dylan, and that she did not envy her, nor did she want to be part of any conversation took place between the couple that evening. "You're actually going through with this aren't you?" Sam jumped at the sudden voice and when she turned to face Lenny she wasn't overly shocked to see the look of disappointment across his face.<p>

"Yes," Sam couldn't even begin to understand why she had bothered to reply, she knew that once upon a time she would have simply walked away and not allowed herself to be caught up in any sort of conversation about what she thought was her business and no-one else's.

"Why?" Lenny asked, confusion was evidently in his tone and Sam stepped down the remaining stairs coming to a halt in front of the Scottish doctor, not even certain how, or even why she should, she would explain her decision to someone who didn't understand.

"Lenny," Sam began in warning tone, desperate to avoid this conversation in a public place and at the moment the foot of the stairs in reception was about as public as they were going to get. "It's my decision," Sam retorted, much like she had when she'd first had the conversation with Lenny about the possibility of adoption. At this realisation, Sam considered how little had changed since that day and no she could be happy that she would be able to see Sophie in a family home. "It's for the best." She countered and as Lenny raised his eyebrows so Sam spoke quickly before he was even able to say anything. "She's going to her dad," she stated and as the words left her mouth Sam considered that no one could argue against her decision; she used it justify her decision to herself, whenever she wasn't completely certain and knowing that she was giving Sophie to her own father lessened the feeling that she was abandoning her little girl.

"Won't you miss her?" Lenny asked quite suddenly, out of the blue, and Sam wasn't sure if she'd even be able to make it through answering Lenny's fairly simple question without winding up in tears.

"Of course I will!" Sam declared incredulously, before turning away from Lenny to both hide her tears and to walk away from the conversation. She loved Sophie and she was certain that Lenny knew this. Yet as he asked the question Sam suddenly had to confront the idea that perhaps her actions would make people doubt how much she loved her little girl.

"Then why?" Lenny asked in confusion but Sam had already hurried away leaving Lenny stood himself in the middle of reception.

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><p>The conversation had been heated for the best part of twenty minutes and Lenny could tell that various other members of staff were beginning to look over towards him and Tom with interest. Lenny could not be certain quite what Tom thought had happened but at the moment he felt like he was being judged for whatever Tom thought he had or hadn't said to Sam. Lenny knew that the female doctor had fled into Tom's arms in tears when she'd hurried away from the conversation with him. "What's going on?" Came Linda's voice suddenly as he approached them confusion etched across her face as she did so.<p>

"Sam's giving up Sophie." Lenny replied quietly so that only Linda could hear him when he spoke. The information seemed to come as a shock to the nurse and she seemed too stunned to speak.

"And?" Linda eventually countered.

"Tom thinks that I've upset her," Lenny replied with a slight reluctance and Linda met his words with a startled look, raising her eyebrows before she looked between Tom and Lenny, waiting on one of the doctors to explain.

"You have!" Tom stated resolutely, his raised voice adopting a harsh tone which Linda had never heard him use towards anyone but troublesome patients before.

"Don't argue," She demanded suddenly causing both men to turn and face her. "That's the last thing Sam needs," she continued and both Tom and Lenny had the good grace to look both guilty and suitably chided. "Tom go back to her, take her home." Linda spoke calmly; determined to get the two men apart until she could speak to Lenny about what may or may not have upset Sam. She felt that even then Sam would be much better off at home, no one could deny how tired she was looking and Linda hoped that she would know enough to understand that everything would be much better for herself and the baby if she was curled up at home.

Tom did not give any response to Linda's ask but he moved swiftly towards the staff room and Linda had to assume that he was heading towards Sam. She turned to face Lenny quickly and the doctor had simply shrugged his shoulders at her and she'd pulled his hand leading him outside and away from the middle of reception, where he and Tom had, had their disagreement.

"What happened?" Linda asked calmly one she and Lenny has successfully relocated to the Peace Garden. The nurse turned to look behind her while she was waiting on Lenny's reply and as she did so noticing Tom lead Sam from the department, an arm wrapped around her shoulder as she curled into his side, as they crossed the road and disappeared in the direction of both of their flats.

"I just can't believe she's actually giving up the baby," Lenny began and Linda was reluctant to tear her gaze from Sam and Tom until the couple had disappeared completely from view. "Sophie will think that Sam never cared about her," Lenny had continued and the words which followed caused her turn to look at him, chewing at her lower lip, she considered how she supposed to reply. Though she was spared of the awkwardness by Lenny speaking again. "It's an awful feeling and I know." Linda was at a loss over what to say and resolved to wrap her arms around him, and they remained very still, still stood in the Peace Garden, wrapped together, neither needing words to demonstrate their understanding of the other.

* * *

><p>"Sam?" Tom called softly from his position by the door of Sam's flat. Sam had spent the majority of the evening napping on the sofa and Tom was reluctant to wake her - purely based on his knowledge of quite how little sleep she had actually gotten the night before. Occasionally he woke with her while Sam tossed and turned as she struggled to get comfortable, but he was sure that there were times where she had not woken him and Tom was sure that he'd slept through her movements. Glancing back to the pair now stood in the door way, Tom realised that the only reason he had even agreed to wake Sam from her slumbering state was due to who were now standing in her hall way, the female of the pair closing the door behind herself. There were a few moments of total silence and no one knew what to say to the other before Sam joined them in the hall way, sleepiness evident on her face. Tom stepped in front of her, both halting her in her tracks and shielding her from the view of her visitors; reaching out to place the palm of his hands on each of Sam's shoulders he spoke quietly, almost a whisper in her ear. "Are you alright?" Tom asked carefully. Sam nodded automatically in response then strained her eye line over Tom's shoulder, now looking between him and her house guests - a look of both confusion and intrigued on her face. "Lenny and Linda are going to have dinner," Tom clarified suddenly and Sam did not even appear to react to the news.<p>

"Okay," Sam muttered softly; speaking for the first time since she had actually returned from the work, she'd shrugged and shook her head in response to anything which Tom had asked since then and generally been completely unhelpful. Tom, however, had taken it all in his stride and knelt on the floor, stroking her forehead until she fell asleep on the sofa.

"Are you up to this?" Tom asked quietly once again moving towards Sam trying to avoid letting Lenny and Linda hear his question. Sam nodded simply and reached out to grip at his hand, holding on until Tom raised his gaze and met her eye. He noted the uncertainty in her eye and paused waiting on her reacting.

"Can you just-" Sam began almost as quietly as Tom had been speaking and quickly stopped speaking and turned on her heel and within a matter of seconds Sam had closed her bedroom door behind herself leaving Tom standing looking towards Lenny and Linda looking as bemused as they did about Sam's sudden disappearance. Tom gestured towards Sam's sitting room and Lenny and Linda wandered there instantly; leaving him free to check up on Sam. He knocked her bedroom door softly before pushing it open.

As he pushed open the door he remained in the doorway watching Sam who had curled herself up in the middle of her bed and seemed to be completely lost in thought, to the extent that she had yet to acknowledge his presence in her room. Tom crossed the room almost on his tiptoes, only alerting Sam to his presence when he sat down at the edge of the bed, "Sam?" He began softly, reaching out to touch Sam's face and he was suddenly alarmed by the look of completely fear and sadness in her eyes.

"Can you hold me for a moment?" Sam asked almost shyly and began to sit up slowly, smiling a little when Tom kicked his own legs up on to the bed, pulling her gently towards him and into his arms. Sam's head was nestled into the nape of Tom's neck before she spoke. "I've been having twinges," she admitted quietly, much to Tom's immediate concern.

Tom didn't dare move after Sam's words, nor did he think that he would ever find the appropriate words. "Are you worried?" He eventually asked softly, shifting Sam in his arms so he could see her face.

"I don't think so," Sam said slowly and then Tom was struck of the look of abject horror which crossed her face almost as soon as the words which had left her lips. "I should be, shouldn't I?" She asked very quickly and Tom only just caught her words, but before he could say anything Sam had shook her head softly and continued to speak. "Every other mum would, wouldn't they?"

Tom closed his eyes and pulled her tighter into his chest, letting them remain in silence with Sam wrapped in his arms for a moment of peace before he replied to her. "If something was wrong you would know." Tom said with honesty and conviction and hoped that Sam would understand that he was not lying to her.

* * *

><p>Linda had been looking around the frighteningly bare living area, occasionally throwing Lenny a concerned glance as she did so, as they remained in Sam's sitting room, waiting on both Sam herself and Tom to return from the bedroom. She was just considering telling Lenny that perhaps it would be better for all involved if they simply had this conversation in the morning when everyone had had a bit more sleep. "Hi," Linda almost jumped in fright at the sudden noise and turned to see Sam stood in the door, her cheeks were newly tear stained and she could not deny that Tom himself was looking a little worried and frankly a little sick, as he stood behind Sam letting her back rest against his front, his arms draped around Sam's shoulders and her hand was clutching one of his tightly.<p>

"Listen Sam," Lenny began, seemingly before he lost his nerve and couldn't say the words he'd actually come to say. "About earlier-" He began and was very quickly cut off by Sam violently shaking her head.

"Lenny," Sam began softly, "it's fine. I understand." She clarified.

Linda found herself rising from her seat quickly and joining Sam and Tom by the door way speaking as she did so. "We're not going to stay for dinner," she said simply and turned to find Lenny at her heels. "You look shattered Sam, just go to bed," Linda stated unnecessarily and the younger woman seemed to curled further around Tom at her words. "We'll see ourselves out." Linda confirmed when all four were stood in the hall way. Glancing towards Lenny Linda could note instantly that he seemed as confused by the situation as she was, as they reached the door, she shot one final look around the ajar front door and noted the way in which Sam pulled at Tom's hand propelling him towards her room.

* * *

><p><strong>I think I've proof-read this enough to be sure I've not left complete nonsense in it. <strong>

**As usual, thank you for reading and leave a review telling what you liked, or indeed, what you did not. **

**Annyx**


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